I think my mother lives vicariously through me

[fiercelion]

I think my mother lives vicariously through me. All my life she has pushed me into things that I haven’t chosen for myself including my career options which I have mostly made a mess of. I recently found out the careers she has pushed me into are things she wanted for herself as a young woman.

Recently I have got a new job and am relocating home. She insists on deciding where I should live. She spends all day on rightmove and even goes to look at flats without me. I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support. Worryingly, she has even looked up hobbies I can take up in my new town.

Whenever I have had a boyfriend, she needs to approve them in terms of how they look, dress and if they are financially stable enough to support me. She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie. Whenever she meets anybody, however random, she tries to play matchmaker and she asks them if they know anyone to set me up with. It causes me huge embarrassment and
humiliation but she continues to do this at every opportunity. She insists any worthy partner must have their own property and she is obsessed with me meeting and marrying a doctor. I have gotten into the habit of reporting any interaction I have with other people (friends or men I have dated) to her verbatim.

She buys me all my clothes and she also won’t let me travel on public transport because of the pandemic and insists my elderly father ferry me around everywhere. She says that some women are born to be driven, and I somewhat fear this attitude has rubbed off on me.

My brother lives his own life and my parents have withdrawn every sort of support from him as a result and treat him like a traitor.

She doesn’t do anything for herself and says I should be grateful for her self sacrifice and protection. She insists that she does all this because I have "nobody" in my life i.e a partner. She says that we are best friends. Before the pandemic she lavished me with holidays because she says I have no one else to go with, and always made a point to exclude my brother.

Unfortunately I realise I have now become very dependent on her for financial, emotional and social support through the years, but I feel this is because she has intruded in my life and I can now see no way of pushing back without causing offence or being cut off.

I have gotten into the habit of needing her approval for everything, to the extent that I don’t see myself as my own person anymore. I have very low self esteem and feel this is largely as a result of her meddling and interference in my life. How I can improve my relationship with my mother? People write about boundaries, but in my case how do I practically start to implement them? If I build them too abruptly I am worried it will be too obvious. Do you have advice for a gently gently approach? I love her dearly, but something needs to change.
I am a 42 year old woman by the way.

Recently I have got a new job and am relocating home

Based on everything you’ve said, I think this is going to be a massive mistake. Don’t.

Come on over to the "stately homes" thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4531618-April-2022-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes?page=5&reply=118855539

Google "narcissitic mother", "codependency", "golden child (you) & scapegoat (your brother)" and "enmeshed relationships".

As others have said you need to move away and consider going completely no contact, even just for a period of time whilst you "find yourself".

Have you really never said anything? nothing about your brother being excluded?

surely you're facilitating some of this?

I don’t think the situation is as perverse as these in the link. I couldn’t see the Reddit link mind you.

The only sex issue that I find embarrassing is that she likes to dub any men I date with phallic nicknames; usually a sausage name based on region or country of origin. E.g Saucisson for a French man I dated. Chorizo for a Spaniard.

She will bring these names up at the dinner table or conversation with wider family which I find embarrassing.

I think soon I will be able to cope without their financial help. They are helping me buy my new place outright, and I will have a new job with no mortgage to pay. I am hoping after this I won’t need anymore money from them.
My brother tries to keep out of things but has criticised me a great deal over the last few years for living beyond my means. I live in central london and have struggled to find permanent work for 12 years.
He has supported me financially also over the several years but has withdrawn all support now as he says I have compromised his standard of living. This has caused huge upset with my mother who feels he should have some responsibility towards my upkeep too.
I know this sounds awful, and I really don’t like who I’ve become but it really has been my mother orchestrating all of these complex financial arrangements.

You write as though you do not have choices. You do.

You are choosing to tell her your conversations, discuss your plans with her, take her money etc. All you have to do is to make different choices. It is in your hands. Pick up the ball and run!

He has supported me financially also over the several years but has withdrawn all support now as he says I have compromised his standard of living. This has caused huge upset with my mother who feels he should have some responsibility towards my upkeep too.

Do you have any intellectual or physical impairments that prevent you supporting yourself? With respect, it really is NOT normal for an adult in their 40s to be given or expect handouts from their parents or siblings on a long-term basis.

I fear you have made a grave mistake allowing your parents to help you buy a house: I have no doubt they will feel they now have a sense of ownership over it and, by extension, you.

However frustrating your mother is, you’re actually allowing her to live like this. When she buys you clothes, refuse them. Make your own decision about who you are going to date. Choose your own flats to look at. Yes, she can have an opinion, but start calling the shots. Take control of your own life. She’ll probably get huffy and stroppy when you start to reject her suggestions, but don’t be afraid of this. Start living the life you want to lead, not the one she wants you to lead.

Why should your brother has responsibility towards you?

Well you have allowed all of this to happen and your mum has delighted in her daughter letting her ! How are you going to change the situation?

your poor brother. The knot relationship your mother will accept is one that is controlled by her - it’s her way or the highway. Grow up and start being responsible for your own actions. You’re very odd in allowing this control. Why can’t you get a permanent job? Is the new flat going to be in your sole name?

I agree that you need professional help to untangle your relationships and learn how to build healthy ones. Your brother should never have been in a position where he was giving you money and you should never have accepted it. Your brother absolutely did the right thing in pulling away from this situation, now it is your turn. You need to stop taking money from any of them. Start standing on your own two feet. It will be scary at first but you will gain so much freedom in your own life.

Good grief - there are shades of my mother in what you have described but she would be utterly horrified at the extent that this woman is enmeshed into your life. I don’t blame your brother one little bit for being angry and withdrawing - why on earth should he be supporting you?

Where does your mother get these ideas from - that “some women are born to be driven around” and that you should be protected so much? Is it a cultural thing? Was she born in to a great deal of wealth?

Anyway, I think it is brilliant that you are starting to recognise that things need to change. But you have been conditioned to accept the status quo for 42 years so will need proper help untangling it all.

You live in central London? I would find a job and move somewhere far far away for a start - Edinburgh? Manchester? Either put a stop on this flat purchase or you can rent it out. You need some serious distance.

I actually think counselling would be of huge benefit to you. It could give you strength.

Good grief indeed. Your poor brother. Are you from a culture where this level of familial support is normal?

You won't be "independent" if they have paid for your house.

You need to sit down and take a long hard look at yourself.

Why have your relationships with men not worked out?

You need to rent and pay for it yourself. You can't afford to buy and if you do, you'll be handing yourself to your mother for eternity.

I want feeling sorry for your brother until your j just comment about him giving you money. Why the fuck should he? I'm glad he managed to stand up to the rest of you about it.

Thinking you won't be needing any more money once you have your new place and this you will be free is very shortsight. You'll be in debt to her forever.

Hi OP

This is really not healthy. Your mother is NOT doing this in any of your best interests, she says she is and she will have convincing arguments as to why, but a parents role is to bring up children so they are happy, healthy and independent so that when the parents are gone, the children can live a good life. Your mum has done the opposite of this. I have a feeling that your relationship with her has dominated and spoiled your relationships with friends and boyfriends.

She has been like this your whole life and there is a lot to unpick. As it's all you've ever known, you don't seem to understand how fucked up and serious this is and the full impact on you.

I'd advise two things:
Get some therapy. It's going to be too confusing and difficult otherwise

In the meantime work on getting yourself financially independent, however you can. You can never be emotionally independent from someone who is paying your bills and putting conditions on there.

Start by doing some small things, your mum doesnt even need to know about it. Tell her you were watching TV or going a walk and go and work out how the public transport works near you and go a train or bus ride. Research what suits you and buy a new top that she would never have picked

Is this real OP?! Because it real does read like it could be a wind up.

Assuming it is, get the house bought, and while you are waiting for that get a bloody therapist and start seeing them twice a week (seriously).

It’s great you’ve recognised a problem, but you have to really face it:

You are acting as your mother’s doll, and you need help to unpick that. You don’t have a good work track record, you need help to unpick that. You don’t stand on your own two feet, socially, romantically or financially, and you need help to unpick that.

Get the house through as quickly as you can, and make plans. Make sure the house is in your name so you can sell it and move to Edinburgh (you seriously might need to), and focus on sorting your professional life out - now you have no mortgage you have no excuse to take any more money from them or your brother.

You have got the great adventure of living your own life ahead of you.

Start by getting on the tube, going to a cafe and looking up a therapist on UKCP, or psychologies magazine also has an online directory. You need to see a woman therapist by the way.

Do you have any health issues or additional needs OP? Because I can't understand why any of these people are supporting you.

@hopeishere

The OP’s brother is responsible for himself. She does not need to take on guilt about him. It sounds like they are both damaged by very odd parents.

Turning down the house is daft. At 42 it gives the OP a secure basis to build up her life.

Lots of people have relationships that don’t work out. This is not the OP’s key problem, her own autonomy is what’s key. (Although the answer to your question is pretty obviously surely?)

The OP knows she needs to change, but after a lifetime of weirdness taking a long hard look at herself is unlikely to do it. She will need support.

If you want to be independent start by being financially independent.
Apart from for health issues no woman of your age should need money from her parents or brother in the long term.
You are complaining about these people but are happy to take their money

Why are you accepting so much money off them?

Turning down the house is daft. At 42 it gives the OP a secure basis to build up her life.

Not when it comes with so many strings,

So she wants to control every aspect of your life from what you wear to who you have sex with by vetting them and giving them phallic names but you don't think that's perverse?? Jeeez she's done a job on you. Use your brother as an example. The moment he stood up for himself she realised she couldn't control him so removed him from the fold as he was a threat to her authority.

Please read up on narcissistic parents before it's too late. And don't let them buy a property for you as you'll be indebted to her the rest of your life. The only escape from a narcissist is going no contact I'm afraid. They don't do subtle hints. Why on earth has your father put up with this so long?

You are going to have to stand on your own two feet and once you do that I have a feeling you'll be a lot closer to your brother because she will dispose of you too for being ungrateful.