I think my mother lives vicariously through me

[fiercelion]

I think my mother lives vicariously through me. All my life she has pushed me into things that I haven’t chosen for myself including my career options which I have mostly made a mess of. I recently found out the careers she has pushed me into are things she wanted for herself as a young woman.

Recently I have got a new job and am relocating home. She insists on deciding where I should live. She spends all day on rightmove and even goes to look at flats without me. I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support. Worryingly, she has even looked up hobbies I can take up in my new town.

Whenever I have had a boyfriend, she needs to approve them in terms of how they look, dress and if they are financially stable enough to support me. She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie. Whenever she meets anybody, however random, she tries to play matchmaker and she asks them if they know anyone to set me up with. It causes me huge embarrassment and
humiliation but she continues to do this at every opportunity. She insists any worthy partner must have their own property and she is obsessed with me meeting and marrying a doctor. I have gotten into the habit of reporting any interaction I have with other people (friends or men I have dated) to her verbatim.

She buys me all my clothes and she also won’t let me travel on public transport because of the pandemic and insists my elderly father ferry me around everywhere. She says that some women are born to be driven, and I somewhat fear this attitude has rubbed off on me.

My brother lives his own life and my parents have withdrawn every sort of support from him as a result and treat him like a traitor.

She doesn’t do anything for herself and says I should be grateful for her self sacrifice and protection. She insists that she does all this because I have "nobody" in my life i.e a partner. She says that we are best friends. Before the pandemic she lavished me with holidays because she says I have no one else to go with, and always made a point to exclude my brother.

Unfortunately I realise I have now become very dependent on her for financial, emotional and social support through the years, but I feel this is because she has intruded in my life and I can now see no way of pushing back without causing offence or being cut off.

I have gotten into the habit of needing her approval for everything, to the extent that I don’t see myself as my own person anymore. I have very low self esteem and feel this is largely as a result of her meddling and interference in my life. How I can improve my relationship with my mother? People write about boundaries, but in my case how do I practically start to implement them? If I build them too abruptly I am worried it will be too obvious. Do you have advice for a gently gently approach? I love her dearly, but something needs to change.
I am a 42 year old woman by the way.

If they are buying your house and you are moving ‘home’ then you won’t be free of her influence. Whose name is on the house deeds? If it’s jointly owned then she will treat you like a puppet and you will be dancing to her tune.

Tbh this isn’t a sensible move if you are already struggling with her interference in your life. Please get some counselling to sort out your feelings and give you the tools to put solid boundaries in place before she destroys your life any further.

I don't think you can do it gently. You need to cut contact for a while so that you can get used to doing things without your mother's input or approval. And stop taking money from her, obviously.

Good god! This sounds like controlling behaviour to the nth degree 🤬
Why on earth are you so dependent on your family? By your age you should have been completely independent from them, you’re 42 not 12.
No wonder your poor brother pulled away, your circumstances are so extreme as to be parasitic.
For heaven’s sake start living like a mature adult. You clearly recognise where things have become so ridiculous, now do something about it.

If you are moving nearby why not try a few things to flip the balance in your relationships. Firstly if you can now afford it because of no mortgage, try and pay something back to your brother and build your relationship with him. Plan something for yourself that you keep secret, your own hobby or habit. Then also with your DM could you try suggesting something to do with her? So rather than her dictating what you do, you suggest something for the both of you? It could be something as simple as a regular date to walk in a park or something?

OP you are a prime example of how being the golden child can be just as damaging, if not more so, than being the scapegoat, and I say this as the scapegoat child of a narcissitic mother.

My grandmother was a classic overt narcissist and my mother was her golden child, my uncle (scapegoat) escaped fully in his 40s emigrating to the otherside of the world and building a fantastic life. My mother has always been trapped even 20 years since my grandparents died. The amount of clutter my mother has in her house that when asked if she even likes it (let alone needs it) her reply is but "granny" (her mum) like it, and that's the end of the conversation.

My brother (goldenchild) has come out reasonably unscathed although he did call his ex "fat" just in normal conversation with no real malice intentded (replicating how he'd seen me been treated throughout my childhood) and definetly has a sense of entitlement, like you OP. But whilst I finally went no contact 3 years ago (and low contact long before that) and am rebuilding my crushed self esteem, my brother will be burdended with dealing with our increasingly difficult mother through old age, as he won't ever be able to let go.

There has to be a balance and it sounds like you are her only hobby. She probably isn’t even happy! The financial control is worrying because she will want in on your life with it- it’s not free.

Rry to encourage hobbies, friends and volunteer work and distance yourself a little. A good, subtle way to do it is talking about a friend’s mum, who is always lunching with friends, doing exciting things and helping out. Ask her why she has never done this. But make it subtle.

My rule of thumb is to make sure everyone is fed, supported and entertained, offer them lots of things to do but maintain my own friendships and hobbies outside of kids. It keeps me sane.

@pinkyredrose If it’s in her name she can rent or sell it.

We are just about to go into a major financial crisis. The OP needs to put an ocean between herself and her parents but with no solid career at 42 she also does not want to end up in a life of renting and poverty.

Life is not a Catherine Cookson novel and women do need to be realistic about money.

none of this is normal or healthy. You need to take some of the excellent advice on here and grow a backbone.

It’s happened because the op is living beyond her means.

If you ever take money then you are often beholden to that person and can be manipulated, it’s why it’s better to live in crap accommodation and go without in life.

@Luredbyapomegranate

If it’s in her name she can rent or sell it

That's a very big 'if', though.

i agree with others that this is not a normal relationship on any level. Unfortunately when money comes into it, parents think they can control their children and then the children think they ‘owe’ the parent.

i have seen a few of these types of enmeshed and dysfunctional relationships in some families I know and it’s never good. My BIL is like this with his adult children inc his eldest who’s mid-20s.

You need to put distance between you, there’s nothing wrong w financially helping your children, but it can’t be with caveats. But I feel this is a lot more than that and you need to break free.

Renting doesn't equal 'poverty'. You can own a home and have bugger all spare money.

This sounds like the plot of Sorry! that Ronnie Corbett was in. I hope you manage to find the strength to break away OP.

OP is allowing this to happen by living beyond her means and being a limpet. She behaves like a person who has extra needs.

I do sympathise. Your upbringing would have led to this and it probably happened so slowly and deeply that you never realised and you’ve been left without the foundations for independence that other adults have.

But you do have insight so now, if you don’t have special needs, it’s time to grow up. Stop blaming your mother - she didn’t do a fantastic job of parenting but probably has many issues of her own.

Take any money - you need it - but don’t be guilted into “paying it back” by doing what your mum wants. Seek real-life support as to how to emotionally detach and firmly control your own private life. Try to establish a good, adult, mutually supportive relationship with your brother if at all possible. See your mum as someone to be pitied but certainly not to control you. Good luck!

And while you say your mum is making choices for you that you think she would have liked herself - could this be because you’re refusing to make your own choices and she’s just suggesting things that are familiar to her? Maybe she’s at the end of her tether trying to think of things for you to do with your life. I realise it’s not that simple but she’s not holding a gun to your head and if you want to find some peace and independence you can’t continue to be this passive - unless you WANT to be.

You are a grown woman with a job. You don't need your mum to buy you a house outright, she will see it as something to hold over you.

Move out, fund your own house like all other 42 year olds (even if that means renting), buy your own clothes and don't tell her about relationships or anything.

I was the enmeshed golden child - I think the only reason I was able to break away was because my mother found a husband and basically ditched me as she didn’t need me anymore. It is incredibly disabling and I think people who haven’t experienced find it hard to understand how debilitating it is.

it means that you didn’t get to develop an independent sense of self and you literally don’t know how it feels to be independent.

I’m 46 and moved cities when I was 25 and then countries when I was 30. Finally went no contact when I was 38 and honestly only now properly starting to live my life. It has been catastrophic for my life development. And it has taken a lot of work to get through.

you can do it - but you need to commit to it and be prepared to take some risks. You also have to be prepared to lose your relationship with your mother - which sounds like where your brother got to.

if you don’t do it now at 42 you never will.

Your poor brother. You need to pay back every penny he has given you. How could you accept money from him and treat him so badly?

Apologise to him and if he forgives you then build a relationship with him and just stop being so ridiculous. You’re the one telling your mum everything so just stop it.

I'd move out of London. Make a fresh start someone affordable for you.

You need to look at the part you play in all fhis.

Painful as it is I wouldn't allow your mother to buy a house for you.

Rent somewhere to live that you can afford on your salary. It may not be so nice as what you could have with your mothers money but you have to start somewhere. And it would be your own place that you paid for.

There is great pleasure to be had in that!

You are a grown woman you should be responsible for your own up keeping, not your poor brother. And you should move far far away from your mother and stand on your own two feet.

Without going into specifics (as I want to be anonymous), he will get his money back. With the new move out of London, we are selling our London flat and buying a new one in my name only. The sale of the London flat will mean he gets all his money back that he has used to support me living in central London for the last decade. This has caused a rift in our family.

I am heartbroken about the move as I thought I would have the London flat forever. At the same time I realise this is a step towards independence.

This has to be a wind up surely?

At 42 why can't you get yourself to & from work ?
Get public transport
Cycle
Electric bicycle
Can you drive ?
Start next week

Buy some of your own clothes
If money is tight, buy from charity shops
Take your old clothes that you don't wear to a charity shop

Book yourself onto a singles holiday or a group holiday without your parents

Why do you live this lifestyle ?

WHO’s we and our? It’s your parents flat isn’t it?