I think my mother lives vicariously through me

[fiercelion]

I think my mother lives vicariously through me. All my life she has pushed me into things that I haven’t chosen for myself including my career options which I have mostly made a mess of. I recently found out the careers she has pushed me into are things she wanted for herself as a young woman.

Recently I have got a new job and am relocating home. She insists on deciding where I should live. She spends all day on rightmove and even goes to look at flats without me. I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support. Worryingly, she has even looked up hobbies I can take up in my new town.

Whenever I have had a boyfriend, she needs to approve them in terms of how they look, dress and if they are financially stable enough to support me. She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie. Whenever she meets anybody, however random, she tries to play matchmaker and she asks them if they know anyone to set me up with. It causes me huge embarrassment and
humiliation but she continues to do this at every opportunity. She insists any worthy partner must have their own property and she is obsessed with me meeting and marrying a doctor. I have gotten into the habit of reporting any interaction I have with other people (friends or men I have dated) to her verbatim.

She buys me all my clothes and she also won’t let me travel on public transport because of the pandemic and insists my elderly father ferry me around everywhere. She says that some women are born to be driven, and I somewhat fear this attitude has rubbed off on me.

My brother lives his own life and my parents have withdrawn every sort of support from him as a result and treat him like a traitor.

She doesn’t do anything for herself and says I should be grateful for her self sacrifice and protection. She insists that she does all this because I have "nobody" in my life i.e a partner. She says that we are best friends. Before the pandemic she lavished me with holidays because she says I have no one else to go with, and always made a point to exclude my brother.

Unfortunately I realise I have now become very dependent on her for financial, emotional and social support through the years, but I feel this is because she has intruded in my life and I can now see no way of pushing back without causing offence or being cut off.

I have gotten into the habit of needing her approval for everything, to the extent that I don’t see myself as my own person anymore. I have very low self esteem and feel this is largely as a result of her meddling and interference in my life. How I can improve my relationship with my mother? People write about boundaries, but in my case how do I practically start to implement them? If I build them too abruptly I am worried it will be too obvious. Do you have advice for a gently gently approach? I love her dearly, but something needs to change.
I am a 42 year old woman by the way.

God I think this could have happened to me too, if I hadn't had a breakdown at 19, and then therapy which started to help me see the emotional abuse, control / manipulation and FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

I had a breakdown, spiralled into a period of depression, anxiety, panic attacks and ill health, that "ruined" my mother's life in her own words. I ruined her life because I had failed her, couldn't meet her high expectations and abruptly stopped her living her life vicariously through me in its tracks. When I wanted to leave university after 1 term and take a year out, she took to bed and said she felt like "ending it all".

It was a complete head fuck when she did that, and triggered an outpouring of resentment that I'd internalised my whole life til then. I went to the GP hoping pills for depression, anxiety attacks and insomnia would help me, but my recovery really started with a referral from the doctor I saw that day for therapy. When my mother likely having narcissistic personality disorder was tabled by my therapist things really started slotting into place in my mind. I was told by two separate therapists that she likely had NPD. Having never heard of it (this was 20 years ago) and thinking her behaviour was that of a loving caring mother as she frequently told me it was, I still blamed myself for my mental and physical health issues and wasn't ready to open that box yet, I wasn't stable enough at that point to start dealing with it.

I had started to feel something wasn't right with our relationship as a teen, I had best friends but my mother insisted nobody could be as close to each other as we were, and that we were best friends. I was seeing major differences in my friends relationships with their mums and that planted a seed of doubt. When I started therapy at 19 I still too enmeshed to really face the reality. I think I was too young, naive, controlled and infantilised by my mother to really be brave enough to open my eyes fully.
I'm 41 now op, it's been a long exhausting process but with therapy on and off for years and the support from my husband I'm finally free, it's not plain sailing and I'm still low contact rather than no contact with her because of my Dad, brother and his kids being my dc's cousins. I'm as free as I'll be until when she's no longer alive as morbid as that sounds! I can recommend therapy and some books, online support groups etc if you want them op. I'm now attending an in person support group as well and being around other women who have been through the same as me has been so reassuring. The years of manipulating and gaslighting make you think everything is your fault and you're going crazy! No more though.

Thank you. I really feel that you understand me. I would be grateful for the book recommendations.

I'm glad you have a husband and children and managed to become free.

It's been hard for me to form a relationship, I have looked at online dating sites in the past however she tends to hijack them and takes my login to make contact with men on my behalf. It's put me off 'online dating' now.

It's been hard for me to form a relationship, I have looked at online dating sites in the past however she tends to hijack them and takes my login to make contact with men on my behalf.

OP having read all your posts I genuinely think your mother is coercively controlling you, which is a crime. There's also potentially financial abuse too.

And she's posing as you in order to attract men to date and presumably have a physical relationship with. This isn't far off pimping you out.

It's easy for us to say you need to cut ties as I know you're still in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) stage but can you see that she isn't 'living through you' but is in fact controlling you?

Did you feel unable to say no to her having your logins for fear of her reaction?

Do you feel unable to say no to her messaging them as you for fear of her reaction?

You're being abused and while at your age it's easy for us to say you're taking their money so why don't you stop and cut ties, I think that due to her control and infantilising you, you're essentially stuck in a teenage role.

This is so fucked up and you need to get away from her and get some counselling to process what's happened to you during your whole life.

This can't be real, surely. If it was a movie people would be deriding the unrealistic plot.

I really for you OP and the advice to seek counselling, put some distance between you and your mother and start standing on your own two feet are all valid.

I think many people won't understand though what growing up with someone like this can do to a child and how it can mess up with your head even when you become an adult.

I had a mother very similar to yours, controlling, manipulating and who became hysterical and violent if she did not get what she wanted from me when I was a child and a teenager. And a father who was cold and violent too who colluded with her delusions.

I am no contact with her now or any other member of my family and I usually refer to her as ''Norma Bates'' ...

I literally had no sense of self or of my body when I was growing up. Every thought, feeling, gesture and behaviour was analysed and regimented by her. She had chosen a career for me and where I would live. She saw me not as a person but as extension of herself, something that belonged to her.

If I complained I was told I should count myself lucky to have such a mother that cared about me or I was threatened and sworn at. She would go into (fake I realise now) hysterical crying fits and throwing herself on the floor to show what a wicked child I was.

I never had the normal experiences that teenagers go through to start asserting their independence and find their own way in life, never got involved in any sporting activities. I pretty much spent my early years on my own, living inside my head...She never really cared about my health and appearance either and a genetic condition that affected my jaw and face was never corrected. I have the awful feeling now that this ensured that I would be kept unattractive and therefore more easily manipulated and less likely to go off to be married. I was to stay a complaint child forever.

When I tried to pick the university and career of my choice she intercepted my acceptance letters and destroyed them. I started the course she had chosen for me after many threats from her and I ended up having a nervous breakdown.

When I finally broke free at 22 I moved to a different country and spent years in therapy. She also tried to keep controlling me from a distance by offering me money and clothes and at that stage I was still so unsure of myself and my skills (as I had always been told that unless I followed her advice I would ruin my life and end up destitute) and it took me years to stand on my own two feet, be able to get a job and pay my rent.

It also took me a long time to see and accept the horrible reality: that I was raised by a raging narcissist who never had my interest at heart and who sabotaged every aspects of my life simply to meet her needs using guilt and lies. When I finally saw the truth, there was no going back and I knew I could never have any contact with her again.

This is not an easy truth to face OP and I actually understand why you are finding yourself in this situation. Because it is hard to accept that a parent is actually harming you through their behaviour especially when they style themselves as generous and caring and have spent years chipping at your sense of self until you are just a helpless child forever,

But if you ever want to have your own life and be your own person you need to act and stop the influence your parent has on you. What is happening is not healthy at all and I think the fact that you made your post is a sign that you are starting to see through the haze.

My young adult children try to control me. I'm glad I don't have to see them much.

That’s going to be tricky as her Mum is buying the house for her

You need to see this for what it is. All your discomfort is simply the price of her financial assistance.

To believe otherwise is like a prostitute believing they can get paid without having sex.

Finance yourself and your problems will disappear.

It's been hard for me to form a relationship, I have looked at online dating sites in the past however she tends to hijack them and takes my login to make contact with men on my behalf. It's put me off 'online dating' now.

She doesn't take the login. You give it to her. You need to take some responsibility here for what's happening.

My own mum is similar although she was never financially supportive but did think she decided how I spent my money, one incident was over my dish drying rack, she decided that I needed to replace the one I had so choose another for me and then tried to get me to buy it obviously I declined and said I was happy with the one I had and she actually said “well I don’t like it!”

Im now non contact with her because as I became “me” she became more spiteful and vindictive towards me and basically tried to sabotage what I wanted to do. A lot of the time it was dressed up as looking out for me or helping me but it wasn’t.

The relationship that you describe isn’t healthy. She has done an absolute number on you but you can break free. Therapy has been mentioned and I found this website quite helpful and they send out regular emails too.

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Don’t let her buy you the house. Cut all financial ties. Stop telling her your passwords or all about who you are dating like a primary school child reporting their day at school to your mum.

Let her sell the London flat and find a place to rent in your name only. Don’t tell them the new address. Get a new number and email address that you use for new friends and acquaintances (assuming with a mum like that you don’t have any existing friendships). Don’t tell your family your new number or contact details. That way you can build new relationships without worrying about what your mum is messaging you about. Only switch on the phone that your mum contacts you once a week. Etc etc.

Most importantly get therapy - and be an adult and don’t tell your mum you are getting therapy. Do things that are just for you.

My own DM isn't as bad as yours, although she'd love to be, and wouldn't recognise any issue with it!

I was in my 40s when I finally put down boundaries - after the support of a counsellor and some wonderfully wise and patient advise from numerous MNers.

Well , she screamed and she stamped her feet. She terrorised (I don't use that word lightly) me for a year and now, three years later, she still has her moments.

I have lost so much of my love for my mother since recognising what she did to me for all those years. I had hoped we could eventually move to a healthy adult relationship but we are incredibly strained now.

I have not gone NC, although that was strongly advised. It wouldn't have worked for me - the guilt would have been worse than her behaviour. However, there are now healthy(er) boundaries in place - she may not like them but I am much happier.

By continuing the relationship as it is, you are facilitating her abuse and doing yourself a massive disservice. Break away, live independently, love her with APPROPRIATE boundaries. She is responsible for how she reacts to that. You are responsible only for yourself

@BMW6 i suppose this is my main fear that people won’t believe me.
to the external world my mother behaves like a martyr and prepandemic was a keen church goer.
We used to look like a poster middle class family, and I worry that none of my friends would believe and I know this is something my mother would not believe even if pointed out to her.
this is one of the reasons I struggle as everyone around me always tells me I’m so lucky to have her support.

What u have said about what ur mother does , I do not belive she would accept she is at fault or she needs to back off at all. She would probably make it worse by making u feel guilty and emotionally blackmail u, u need to get therapy and learn how u can safely stop this abuse. It would be living a more modest life which is what she can dangle like a carrot in front of u. People who don't live in central london and r mortgage free by 40 live fulfilling lives. U will need to relearn how to live independently and I imagine its going to be tough but I belive u can do it.

I don't think it's a case of just telling her to back off and she listens to u, with the amount of control she currently has she is going to just let that go.

Does your friends know the true extent of what 'support' she gives u ? Like everything u have mentioned on here?

People will say that you are lucky to have her support because that is what people say to be polite and nice in social settings. I suspect many will be skeptical about your mother's involvement in your life and that the truth about your relationship will not come as a big surprise to them. People are more perceptive than we often give them credit for. They go along with things because they want to be polite and nice, and not stick themselves in other people's business, but that doesn't mean that they don't see and understand.

You need to break away.

I have to confess I am a little bit like your mother with one of my adult children. He has SEN and I find it so hard to let go. I have been guilty of suggesting what clothes he wears on a date, where he goes, looking up flats on Zoopla for him, helping him with job apps. The difference is, I always bow down immediately if he says no or does something different. I recognise it as a problem I have and when he picks me up on it, which he does about once a week, I always defer to him because it's true, I really shouldn't do it. It stems from fear. Fear the world won;t be kind enough to him, fear his disabilities leave him vulnerable and someone needs to fight his corner for him.

But your mother's version is extreme and overly-controlling, and definitely as much about you being the puppet version of who she wanted to be. You have to break free from this. If you don;t want to end up shunned by her, then you could try reassuring her: I know you want the best for me but i need to make my own decisions/choose my own man/flat/job; make my own mistakes. Anything she pushes you to do because she loves it, encourage her to do herself - never too late to join a U3A class or try a new restaurant etc. If she continues to shun you then her control is more narcissistic than fear-based and you really would be better off like yoru brother, cutting ties for a while.

The thing is OP it’s not support, it’s control - there is a massive difference.
Does she ever ask you what YOU want? I suspect not, she just decides for you and expects you to go along with it? My own mother never treated me like I was a person in my own right, I was just a puppet to her.
Also agree with pp that others probably see through your mother’s help for what it really is.

OP having read all your posts I genuinely think your mother is coercively controlling you, which is a crime. There's also potentially financial abuse too

The OP seems to have glad to allow her family to control her life until now, she certainly hasn't made any effort to stop it, which she could easily have done. She has been content to take the easy route through life and it's now hitting her, at 42!

@JudgeJ

I think you need to be a bit less quick to judge and no, it is not ''easily'' done.

People like the OP are conditioned to become and stay dependent and lack a sense of self from childhood.

It is like any other abusive relationship. The person is slowly destroyed, manipulated and made to think that there must be something wrong with them, not with the perpetrator if they are unhappy with their situation and complain.

It is incredibly guilt-inducing to go against a parent who present themselves to the outside world as kind and generous. I shared my story on this thread and it is not dissimilar to the OP although I was younger when I broke free. And no it was not easy. Just like it isn't easy for some people to live with an abusive partner. It is even less easy when the conditioning and control started as a child and you never develop the skills to be independent as you were growing up.

Anyway she is concerned about the situation now and wants to do something about it and that is all that matters. Just telling her she should have done it sooner is not going to help her in any way...