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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I: "Out of order" ?

102 replies

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:44

I have made arrangements to see a really old friend for lunch this Saturday. Due to covid and, well, life we haven't seen each other for nearly 3 years.

This Saturday would also have been my FILs birthday (he passed away last Sept)

My SIL has said that she wants a family picnic and everyone has to be there. I said it was a lovely idea and that DH and kids would be there but unfortunately I wouldn't as have plans with old friend (whole family know who this friend is).

I am out of order and selfish to have planned something on such a special day.

Am I? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 28/07/2022 09:46

No. Your father in law is no longer here and your SIL didn’t book in the date in advance.

She’s being batshit. Ignore.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 28/07/2022 09:48

Having been in the situation recently of a first birthday since a parent passed away then I'm afraid I think you are. Irrespective of the lunch your dh is likely to find it harder than you think. I wouldn't have booked anything for that day.

FetchezLaVache · 28/07/2022 09:50

Effectively, you're supposed to keep the birthdays of dead relatives free in perpetuity in case anyone suggests a memorial picnic? Nah.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 28/07/2022 09:51

Who booked what first? If your DH was off with his pals and leaving you to look after DC on the anniversary of one of your parents' death, would you be OK with that?

RhubarbCheekbones · 28/07/2022 09:51

FetchezLaVache · 28/07/2022 09:50

Effectively, you're supposed to keep the birthdays of dead relatives free in perpetuity in case anyone suggests a memorial picnic? Nah.

Exactly. This is quite mad.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 28/07/2022 09:52

Sorry, misread that - my question still stands - first birthday after they died.

Hugasauras · 28/07/2022 09:52

Was it your DH who said that or SIL? I would assume that if your DH felt it important for you to be there, there would have been discussions about it prior. My DH doesn't want to mark either anniversary of his parents' deaths or their birthdays, so I respect that and don't mention it.

Reallenow · 28/07/2022 09:52

In this situation I would think about what kind of relationship you have- are they generally loving, caring and understanding if your needs? Do they care if they ever offend you?

If yes, I would suggest meeting the day before or in the morning or send a gift or something.

If no- express polite regrets and reiterate that this meeting was a prior arrangement that you can’t or won’t rearrange.

I would tread gently when it comes to bereavement

TeeBee · 28/07/2022 09:53

Of course you're not! SIL is going overboard. You'll be around after your lunch to support your partner. He's an adult.

coffeeneeded · 28/07/2022 09:53

God I hate this. Constant memorials for dead relatives. Gatherings on birthdays, death days and any other days for that matter, all "in memoriam"

Call me heartless but one funeral is enough. Let the living live.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2022 09:54

Did she tell you you're out of order, or are you just wondering if you are? If she said it, she's mad.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 28/07/2022 09:54

FetchezLaVache · 28/07/2022 09:50

Effectively, you're supposed to keep the birthdays of dead relatives free in perpetuity in case anyone suggests a memorial picnic? Nah.

No, it's the first birthday after their death, not the 21st. He's been dead 9 months. If this was reversed everyone would be saying the DH was an arsehole for leaving his wife to deal with the kids.

Shoxfordian · 28/07/2022 09:54

Who said it? I don’t think you’re out of order

Original poster
StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:55

DH also thinks it's ridiculous. He says whilst he obviously misses him, his DM and SILs constant need to make it seem as if he is still here is starting to piss him off. "Life goes on, and so must we" were his exact words. Something that I could actually hear FIL saying too.

OP posts:
TeeBee · 28/07/2022 09:55

I'd be perfectly fine if my partner went and did his own thing on the anniversary of my parents' death. I'm not made of china. Don't people have any resilience these days?

bruce43mydog · 28/07/2022 09:55

No your not, you made arrangements with friend first. You haven't seen friend for 3 years, Why should you go changeing your plans, for the sake of others. Let Husband & kids go to picnic, you are being fair enough. Its not a special day, father in law no longer here, im sure if he was, he would tell you to go to your lunch with friend and have a lovely time.

Maireas · 28/07/2022 09:55

Don't send a gift.
Don't go, you've got something else booked. They've already had the first Christmas and the first Father's Day, so it's really not the first event without him.
What does your husband think?

TeeBee · 28/07/2022 09:56

Ah well, if your partner is fine with it, crack on. Not your problem.

Original poster
StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:56

Lunch was booked over a month ago. Picnic was mentioned last night.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogling · 28/07/2022 09:56

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:55

DH also thinks it's ridiculous. He says whilst he obviously misses him, his DM and SILs constant need to make it seem as if he is still here is starting to piss him off. "Life goes on, and so must we" were his exact words. Something that I could actually hear FIL saying too.

Then why are you posting?! You and DH are agreed. Who gives a monkeys what your SIL thinks?

Maireas · 28/07/2022 09:59

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:55

DH also thinks it's ridiculous. He says whilst he obviously misses him, his DM and SILs constant need to make it seem as if he is still here is starting to piss him off. "Life goes on, and so must we" were his exact words. Something that I could actually hear FIL saying too.

There's your answer. Sensible man.
Enjoy meeting your friend.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/07/2022 10:02

She's bonkers. Ignore her.

faw2009 · 28/07/2022 10:04

My dad passed away last year. If my husband did this I think I would have been pretty hurt.

So what does your husband think? How much do you care what husband's family think? Is it going to make future meets frosty?

I would say though the following years after it would be OK.

faw2009 · 28/07/2022 10:06

Sorry just saw your update! Ifnyour husband is fine with it then yeah, go see your friend!

WillitFit · 28/07/2022 10:06

I would have discussed it with DH to see if anything was likely to be arranged, before making plans for that date in the first year.

I'd also strong resist it becoming an annual thing though.