Am I: "Out of order" ?

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I have made arrangements to see a really old friend for lunch this Saturday. Due to covid and, well, life we haven't seen each other for nearly 3 years.

This Saturday would also have been my FILs birthday (he passed away last Sept)

My SIL has said that she wants a family picnic and everyone has to be there. I said it was a lovely idea and that DH and kids would be there but unfortunately I wouldn't as have plans with old friend (whole family know who this friend is).

I am out of order and selfish to have planned something on such a special day.

Am I? 🤷‍♀️

She’s right though

I think yab a bit unreasonable as its his first birthday anniversary. But surely his son can still attend if you can't?

Surprised at some of the comments here. He's only been dead a few months, your SIL and MIL are grieving and deserve more sensitivity than some posters seem to think. I recently lost my mum and would have been very hurt if my husband had made plans with friends on her birthday. I found it quite an emotional day and my dad in particular needed the support of having his family around him.

But her husband isn't upset, or bothered.
Her husbands sister is.

Her husband's sister is part of the family

She can do what she wants to, and grieve as she wishes.
She can't expect others to do so if that's not their wish.

Not really. SIL is grieving. Her DF hasn't been gone a year yet.

I found the 'firsts' really hard. Does that make me "batshit' too

I found the 'firsts' really hard. Does that make me "batshit' too

It's not finding anything hard that's batshit.
It's expecting people to drop their previously made plans to fit in with your expectations that would be batshit.

You perfectly reasonable! Also handily gives DH and kids something nice to do whilst you’re out.

If it was me and my DH didn't come to my father's death anniversary picnic I'd be furious (I wouldn't throw one in the first place but that's another matter- your SIL clearly wants to mark the occasion) BUT it sounds like your DH isn't that bothered, hasn't asked you to attend and probably doesn't really want to go either.

Just check again with DH the evening before just in case it does become emotional and he may want some support there. Equally, keep SIL and MIL happy by messaging them in the morning with a nice comment about deceased FIL and that you're thinking of them.

• sorry meant FILs birthday picnic, not death anniversary

My DM passed away a couple of years ago. The rest of my family would be there to support me if need be (that presumably being the point of the picnic) so that aspect wouldn’t bother me. Your SIL is still grieving and lashing out. I don’t think you should go to the picnic and try not to either stress about it or think negatively of your DH’s family.

One of my in laws tried this a couple of years ago, guilt tripping us because we had booked to be away on holiday over a deceased relatives birthday - the first one after they’d died.

I pointed out that we didn’t once all get together for this persons birthday when they were alive, so how would we possibly know there were plans for a gathering now they’re dead.

Your DH is fine with it, your in laws are batshit. Enjoy your lunch.

I think SIL needed to realize people deal with deaths differently - some people mark anniversaries and some don't, and both are fine, but if you want everyone to mark an anniversary with you, you need to give them enough notice of this. Given she didn't, and the fact the DH isn't bothered about marking the day, then the OP should stick with meeting her friend.

You’re not being unreasonable….but I think you need to accept that this might well cause some ill feeling within the family. In your shoes, I’d probably look to rearrange my lunch if at all possible (and if not, be apologetic to SIL - “tried to switch, but already arranged and not possible”). Just to keep the peace within the family.

Just spoken to DH. He doesn't want to go, but will do for his mum. He's going to give her a ring a bit later.

He said he just wants to raise a glass to him and that he doesn't expect me to cancel my plans for it.

Yes, frankly, I would, and I was left devastated by the death of my mother. Unless I'd taken annual leave I'd still be expected to work on that day, and to carry on with life as normal as I don't doubt she would have advised me to do. I can light a candle, take some time out, and remember her in my own way.

OP, you're a grown adult. I would laugh in the face of anyone who tried to tell me I 'have' to do anything: decisions as to my activities are made by me. IMO your SiL has a lot to learn; being dictatorial is rarely likely to gain people's cooperation.

Of course YANBU.

Oh wow. I don't even know when my Mil and Fil's birthdays are except sometime in May and February! Does everyone else? DH couldn't tell you my mum's either. We are in charge of our own cards.

Also agreeing with whoever said they don't have the mental space for the birthdays and death anniversaries and wedding anniversaries. Between us we lost 6 relatives in 12 months in 2014. That is a lot of dates.

No, but it is a bit batshit to mandate how everyone else has to grieve.

Each to their own in situations like these, SIL feels the need to commemorate, fine and she should do so. But not feeling the need doesn't make anyone else a problem

SIL is in the wrong for leaving it so late to announce the get together. Whether you remember the date or not, it doesn't follow that you'd foresee a family gathering taking place.

I do sympathize. It hurts: hugely so, and the early days of the grieving process are indescribably painful.

What I do find unfathomable - beyond the funeral at least - is the expectation that other people's lives and plans will stop to accommodate their preferences whilst undergoing that process. That is not reasonable. It's a brutal fact that life goes on. And if their expectations are not ones that the OP's DH share, then this would be all the answer I needed in her situation.

I think that's the point, Marie, and why the SIL has unreasonable expectations of others.

One of my friends lost her mum 20 years ago. I am not great at anniversaries anyway but every year on the date that her mum died she receives cards and flowers and Facebook messages from other friends with their condolences etc.

She would make a point of showing me what other people had sent to her, i.e the cards and flowers every single year following her mother's death. I have never sent anything, other than the first year.

To be honest I have enough of my own stuff to remember and it irritates me a little bit that I am seen not to remember her late mother anniversary and that she points out what other people have got her. It's almost a way of saying "you don't care about me". I do care. Massively. But I don't think it is healthy to expect other people to remember the death of a close family member in the same way as you do.

Yes, I would. But my family don't commemorate birthdays of dead relatives. We just remember them in our own way without having to make a big deal of it.

People grieving are clearly not batshit. But people who expect others to drop plans at short notice because they are grieving and want a collective display of their grief are expecting too much.