Am I: "Out of order" ?

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I have made arrangements to see a really old friend for lunch this Saturday. Due to covid and, well, life we haven't seen each other for nearly 3 years.

This Saturday would also have been my FILs birthday (he passed away last Sept)

My SIL has said that she wants a family picnic and everyone has to be there. I said it was a lovely idea and that DH and kids would be there but unfortunately I wouldn't as have plans with old friend (whole family know who this friend is).

I am out of order and selfish to have planned something on such a special day.

Am I? 🤷‍♀️

There you go then, that's your answer and excuse in one. Tell SIL if the picnic had been mentioned sooner then of course you'd have saved the date and gone even if you didn't want to and that your lunch with your friend was booked as you say, over a month ago.

The picnic was only arranged yesterday for this weekend. OP has arranged lunch with her friend a month ago.

My dad died a year ago yesterday, we messaged extended family that we were raising a toast to him at 7 pm. We all sent photos on our WhatsApp group. Not every one joined us, some sent private message others have messaged since.

My mum died 20 months ago, she didn’t have a wake so we are having their ashes interned into my brothers grave tomorrow, I don’t expect everyone to
turn up but I would like immediate family take part. I would ask that you would change the time of your meet up.

There you go, I'd take your lead from your DH, and he's suggested you stick to your lunch plans. Personally, having relatively recently passed that milestone (first birthday after DF's death) my mother, brother and I had dinner together to raise a glass to my dad, but my DH wasn't able to make it and that was fine. At this point I can't really imagine not spending the day with my DM as it will always feel poignant (not least because her birthday is 4 days later and this first birthday after his death would have been/was a big birthday for both of them) but I don't mind if my DH isn't there, I cannot imagine my DM or DB having issue with my DH not being there.

Having been in a similar situation this year I checked with DH if he was ok with me planning something else on what would have been MIL's birthday, and like your DH he wasn't bothered.

Sounds like if you'd asked DH in advance he'd have said to go ahead with your plans.

I think SIL is being a bit OTT insisting everyone comes and esp. at really short notice, you've got your DH on your side so I'd just go ahead and catch up with your friend - but be prepared for a guilt trip from SIL!

There's nothing wrong in what this PP said. I don't find couching death in soft euphemisms at all helpful: calling it 'passed away' rather than 'died' doesn't make the reality of that bereavement any less painful or brutal. What Girlmom says is quite correct.

Some people simply deal with, process, or refer to these things in a matter-of-fact way. I'm with the PP who finds it odd when people who didn't indulge in these family occasions during a person's lifetime suddenly start once they're dead. Small use of that: they can hardly appreciate the gesture. By the same token I rarely leave flowers on my mum's headstone: I frequently took her them when she was alive and still able to appreciate it.

People approach these things differently.

I think that the first anniversary of the death, or the date of the internment are different to what would have been the person's birthday.

I would have checked with my partner first to make sure they were ok with me making plans on the first anniversary of their parents death. If they were (which op's is) then I would go for lunch with the friend.

Maybe if picnic was on anniversary of his desth but on his birthday, no.

@StPaulandTheBrokenBones - she's being very unreasonable. It's 20 years ago and I don't think she should have expectations of others at that stage.
My mother died 40 years ago, I remember the date of course, and think about what has passed, but make no demands of others.

I must be heartless too.

My mum died in May and we had the funeral a few weeks ago. Her birthday is the end of this month and it never occurred to me that we would celebrate it in any way. I'm pretty sure my brothers won't think of it either.

It's the birthday, not the anniversary of the death.

Yes people do deal with things differently.

What isn't ok is to call someone batshit because they deal with it differently to you.

The batshit bit is the sil having unreasonable expectations of what the op should do. If it's ok to grieve in your own way then there should be no pressure to join in.

Then say the idea is batshit, not the person.

No I'm not HTH

If your sil wants to celebrate his birthday that way that's her choice. For those posters who say it's insensitive to her feelings - what about the rest of the family's feelings? Maybe they'd like to mark it in their own private way. Insisting that everyone come, with three days notice, I'd out of order.
My parents are both dead and I just think of them and have a little conversation with them in my head. I do NOT want to be doing anything public. My husband is also dead. When the kids were small they used to write a birthday card to him which we would burn in the fireplace. I would have found it excruciating to have some sort of family gathering to memorialise him - my grieving is private and solo.

If your dh isn't worried and happy for you to meet your friend then I wouldn't give it another thought and meet your friend.

YANBU

Your DH’s opinion is far more important than SIL’s and he’s on your side so there’s no issue here at all.

Your DH is fine with you meeting your friend so crack on with it in my opinion. If he had wanted you to be there then that would maybe have been different, but he hasn't said anything like that.

Your SIL and MIL are absolutely fine to grieve in whatever way they wish, and it is still fairly early days yet so it may still all feel pretty intense to them. What they really have no right to do is to try and dictate that you should be joining them when you were already booked for something else several weeks in advance.

My Dad died 18 months ago. Of course we (my Mum, my Sister and I

Hit send too soon.

My Mum, sister and I thought about him a lot on the first birthday following his death, but we didn't expect everyone else to drop everything and put their lives on hold for it. We didn't even do anything that special, just talked on the phone.

I rang DM to check on her the first birthday after DDad died. She was confused as to why I thought I should ring. Which I should really have guessed she would be. It has been commented on how very unsentimental my family is before…we believe life is for the living…and remember DDad with fondness throughout our lives.

No you're not, SIL is being silly.