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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I: "Out of order" ?

102 replies

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:44

I have made arrangements to see a really old friend for lunch this Saturday. Due to covid and, well, life we haven't seen each other for nearly 3 years.

This Saturday would also have been my FILs birthday (he passed away last Sept)

My SIL has said that she wants a family picnic and everyone has to be there. I said it was a lovely idea and that DH and kids would be there but unfortunately I wouldn't as have plans with old friend (whole family know who this friend is).

I am out of order and selfish to have planned something on such a special day.

Am I? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
WillitFit · 28/07/2022 10:09

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:55

DH also thinks it's ridiculous. He says whilst he obviously misses him, his DM and SILs constant need to make it seem as if he is still here is starting to piss him off. "Life goes on, and so must we" were his exact words. Something that I could actually hear FIL saying too.

So will DH be going? If DH doesn't think it's important, why does it matter what SIL thinks of your plans, or has he thrown you under the bus by telling them your family won't be there because of your plans ?

cheveux · 28/07/2022 10:11

My DH wouldn’t book something on my father’s birthday or anniversary of his death without checking with me first, as I find those days can sometimes hit me really hard and he is very supportive. If he had arranged a fun day out with a friend for the first birthday I would have been so angry. So I do think it depends on how your husband feels about it, if he’s fine it’s fine. You don’t need to worry too much about your SIL.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 28/07/2022 10:11

If it had been planned earlier, then that would be different. The fact that she's only just thought of it means she absolutely can't expect people to cancel other plans.

cheveux · 28/07/2022 10:15

I also agree with PP about not making “traditions” - we were extremely vigilant about this in my family! It’s too easy to say we’ll always spend certain days together etc. and get into a routine but life does go on and we’re 8 years on now, and sometimes my family have spent the day all together and sometimes my husband and I have gone to a football game or the theatre. We had our engagement party on one of his anniversary’s even! It’s best to keep it flexible so you can keep living, and so you don’t end up with angry and resentful family members if you are busy one year.

girlmom21 · 28/07/2022 10:15

She's batshit. He's dead. He doesn't care whether you're at the picnic or not.

MangoBiscuit · 28/07/2022 10:22

If it's such an important date, then your SIL should have arranged something sooner. If she's only planning it now, it's not that bloody important, is it. She sounds hard work.

CPL593H · 28/07/2022 10:23

I'm of an age where the losses have really started to stack up and I have neither the time or emotional capacity for "forced" remembrance. It isn't disrespectful and it doesn't mean these people are forgotten, far from it. If your SIL etc want to do this, fine, but they can't reasonably insist others take part. If it was very important to your DH, it would be cause to reconsider, but it isn't.

Go and see your friend.

LindaEllen · 28/07/2022 10:25

I'm having exactly this issue with my family at the moment. They've suddenly decided we need a big family party for my grandad's 100th birthday (who died 3 years ago) and I have something booked that I really, really do not want to miss.

Our family events are awkward as fuck because we only meet up once in a blue moon and don't talk in between, so they're basically strangers. The only thing we all had in common was my grandad, and since he's gone there's nothing holding us together.

maddy68 · 28/07/2022 10:27

No it's fine. You made plans. Your sil made plans you are both right

Herejustforthisone · 28/07/2022 10:28

Are you out of order to have made plans on the day of your dead father in law’s birthday? No. You’re absolutely not. Anyone who says you are is likely grieving, but also totally irrational.

JenniferBarkley · 28/07/2022 10:29

I would have been hurt if DH had booked a day out without checking on the first birthday after my dad's death.

If your DH is ok with it then carry on.

NadineDorries · 28/07/2022 10:35

My mother died almost 20 years ago. I always try and take the day off out of respect to her memory. DP knows I do it but just gives me the space I need around the time of day she passed. I'd have absolutely no problem if they made plans (I'm not sure the date would be in their mind anyway).

babyjellyfish · 28/07/2022 10:39

I think if the picnic had been in the diary beforehand, you should not have made arrangements with your friend on that day.

And I think that if your husband wanted you to be there to support him, you should if possible try to see your friend on a different day, or maybe change it to a dinner and go later in the day.

But given that you made your plans first and your husband doesn't need you to be there to support him, you crack on with your plans. Your SIL and MIL can still remember your FIL together with your husband and children.

Bigmouthshouthotair · 28/07/2022 10:41

girlmom21 · 28/07/2022 10:15

She's batshit. He's dead. He doesn't care whether you're at the picnic or not.

Aren’t you delightful 🙄

bluekostree · 28/07/2022 10:43

Go and enjoy your lunch with your friend. Your SIL is being ridiculous.

girlmom21 · 28/07/2022 10:45

@Bigmouthshouthotair yes thanks Smile

Chdjdn · 28/07/2022 10:50

As your DH doesn’t mind then I think it’s fine.

SuperCamp · 28/07/2022 10:51

If your DH is fine with you not going, then that is fine.

However SIL and MIL clearly feel a need to observe the day and be together. People deal with loss differently, their grief is real and I think some of the posts here calling them bonkers / batshit etc are unkind. And I am one who is not into shared anniversaries and memorials.

So I would say go and enjoy your time with your friend, but be sensitive.

ilovesooty · 28/07/2022 10:53

StupidUsernameUnavailable · 28/07/2022 09:55

DH also thinks it's ridiculous. He says whilst he obviously misses him, his DM and SILs constant need to make it seem as if he is still here is starting to piss him off. "Life goes on, and so must we" were his exact words. Something that I could actually hear FIL saying too.

In that case your sister in law is being ridiculous. Enjoy your lunch.

WifeMotherWorkRepeat · 28/07/2022 10:58

Don’t give it a second thought, I’m sure you FIL would rather you went out for lunch with your friend than attend a forced family picnic.
When someone dies you don’t have to mark their passing religiously on an annual basis, life goes on and those that have left us should be remembered and celebrated regularly but not with an annual event that must be attended.

MatildaJayne · 28/07/2022 11:05

I guess we did have a family meal with all children and grandchildren 6 months after my dad died. It was on what would have been my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. It was lovely to celebrate it, actually, but it had been arranged quite a while beforehand.

Whitehorsegirl · 28/07/2022 11:10

She is being silly.

First of all she should have given plenty of notice to people and she should understand not everyone can make it or will want to attend.

The idea that ''everyone has to be there'' is ludicrous. You are in charge of your life, not her.

10HailMarys · 28/07/2022 11:13

It's hardly a given that someone is going to want to do something on a dead person's birthday, so of course you weren't out of order to make other plans. It wouldn't even have occurred to me that this was a big deal.

My SIL sent DP and his mum a message on his dad's first birthday after he died and said something like 'Raising a glass to Dad today on his birthday and I know we're all thinking of him. Mum, if you'd like some company just let me know xxx' and I think MIL said she was going to go to the churchyard where his ashes are. But there was no expectation of a memorial gathering.

Coffeeenema · 28/07/2022 11:24

girlmom21 · 28/07/2022 10:45

@Bigmouthshouthotair yes thanks Smile

💩

Crazyperi · 28/07/2022 11:28

My DF - who I was v close to - died three years ago on my DD’s fifth birthday. I was two hours away from hosting a party for 20 kids in our garden. It went ahead (my parents live abroad).

I know my sibling and DM were upset that he happened to die on DD’s birthday but I now think it may not have been a coincidence. He would have hated me to me miserable and this way we always spend the day celebrating his living legacy: his grand daughter.

Go to your lunch - in the spirit of your FIL…