To ask if your children get on with one another, do you think it’s because of your parenting or just luck/personalities?

[Movingsoon21]

DH and I have one DC, seven months. We’ve always said we’d have 2 DC and DH has started asking what age gap we should have before the next one.

But I now know so many siblings who don’t get on at all, that it’s really putting me off having a second DC. I don’t want to deal with constant fighting and I don’t want current DC to have a miserable time arguing with someone at home.

As kids, my siblings and I hated one another and fought non-stop (although we get on fine now), and DH apparently bickered a lot with his DB and they hate each other as adults, which causes a lot of family stress. In both cases I think it’s a mix of personality clashes, exacerbated by certain parenting styles.

If your DC get on / if you’ve always got on with your siblings, do you think it’s because of a particular parenting style that assists sibling relationships, or is it just luck of the draw whether they have clashing personality types etc? If there’s a particular parenting technique I can use to help them get on I would feel more confident in having a second!

Kids (7 and 4) get on really well generally, but they’re still young. DH and I are both the youngest of 2 and our siblings seemingly DGAF about us 😄 can’t explain why the kids get on so far, of course they bicker a bit but generally harmonious so far. They’re both the same sex and we do a lot of positive parenting, naming the emotion, modelling how to deal with negative feelings etc. Probably just luck!

I have twin girls, they are very close and surprisingly tolerant of each other but they definitely have their moments of arguing over anything and everything.
I have asked them separately who their best friends at school are and they both list each other first. They spend more time together than other siblings naturally would and it has made them very close.

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. They equally love and play well as they do annoy and squabble!

I have a nearly 17yo dd and a 14yo ds. They've always got on remarkably well. I don't really think it's much to do with our parenting skills (maybe a tiny bit). I think it's partly luck. They have always had a surprising amount in common. Dd has always been a very non-girly girl and they've always liked a lot of the same things, which really helps.

They have the occasional row, but they mostly enjoy each other's company and choose to spend time together. I think ds will be bereft when dd goes to university! He's already feeling it a bit, as dd is out with her friends a lot now. He's always found it harder to make friends than her - maybe because he's a bit dependent on her!

Mine are 22 months apart and mostly get along really well (they are the same sex). That being said, I read Siblings without Rivalry, and keep it on my kindle and refer back to it regularly! I'd definitely recommend reading it.

Both DH and I get along with our siblings, so I don't know if we are putting in place good practice we saw from our own parents, or whether it's just luck.

in my experience it’s down to personality. I have 3 dc, 2 are very close while the other 2 don’t get in at all.

PS they do bicker and wind each other up of course but that's normal, they need to figure out how to bicker and then resolve the conflict and stay friends.

90% luck with 10% parenting.

But if you didn't have the 90% luck then parenting would make little difference.

My 2 girls are 12 months apart and they argue about everything.
There is small moments where they get on but mostly just try and do there own thing.
They are 13 and 14

I think it's a mixture of both but mainly personality. I have 2 siblings - one who I've always been incredibly close to and another who doesn't get on with either of us!

I have 2 boys, 2 year age gap and they argue/fight a lot but also miss each other terribly when they're apart. I'm sure they will be friends as adults, but they do best when they have space away from each other too.

Sometimes personalities just don’t click or are too alike and a certain amount of sibling fighting is par for the course but with regards to parenting I think being consistent and fair is the main thing -
For example if an older sibling is constantly told they have to look out for and Set a good example for the younger ones with little room to make mistakes or be a kid themselves that can breed resentment
Similarly if the first kid gets the best of everything and the younger one their hand me downs , weekends dictated by the older ones activities/social life then that can cause problems too

somethings can’t be avoided but making sure each child feels valued and rules are consistent and fair and can go a long way to helping a good sibling relationship

My boys are 23 months apart. They've always been besties, although the age when the eldest went to school and the younger didn't, was testing.

I also have a DD who is 8 years younger and they adore her, but I think that's because they were old enough to know all about her from my pregnancy and they've always just taken care of her and been protective.

Mine don’t really! I put it down to there being a 5 year age gap. The eldest just isn’t interested in the younger one (they’re not that little even) and then he gets very resentful of her.

I have a 6 and 7 year old (one of each) and they're the best of friends. In some ways i think it's luck they get on so well but i was a SAHM for 5 years and able to put a lot into them when they were little. I feel that might have paid off in how they resolve disputes and how they show each other kindness.

We're also lucky to have loads and loads of similarly aged kids on our street and they play out a lot so don't have tons of time when it's just the two of them.

My sons are 17 and 21, they have never had a physical fight, play fight when younger yes, and l have never heard either of them bad mouth one another. They just get on, they share a very natural easy going relationship which has made my life easier and l am grateful for it. l would put it down to luck.

My kids are DS9 & DD11 and they are the very best of friends. I think it is because I’ve always made them share and not getting on is not allowed. I’ve always told them how much they need each other and how lucky they are to have someone at home to play with.

I grew up hating my sibling and being encouraged to compete with them by my parents, so I was determined to make my own children be friends.

I realise they’ll separate a bit as they get older, but so far they remain close.

My DC have a 3 year age gap and they row as much as they’re friends. But my brother and I have a 5 year age gap and have always got on really well. I think it’s all down to personality.

I had a 21 mth gap between my two DS’, they are adults now 21 & 19, they are really close, best friends as well as brothers. They are complete opposites in personality, so that probably helps.

Mine get on well- but there is a 12 year age gap. Ds1 is 26 and ds2 is 14.

DS1 was very excited to finally have a sibling. They're at very different life stages obviously but ds1 is very caring towards ds2.

As for whether it's my parenting or their natures- I don't know. We're all close generally though (although I'm a single parent, that might make the difference?) and are going on holiday together in a couple of weeks.

I myself have five siblings and only get on with two of them. But that's because two of the other three are dicks and the other one is weird 😄

I have 3. DS1 & DS2 are 19 months apart and in consecutive school years. DD is 23 months younger than DS2. So 2 school years below him.
I think age gap has a lot to do with it. I wanted them close together and luckily it worked out for us. They have always been a tight unit. I didn't really have friends over for play dates as they all played together once DD got over the destructive terrible 2s. DS1 is super bossy, DS2 is super laid back DD is super competitive and it all just gelled.
We are on hols at the mo and they are 18, 16 and 15 (DS2 nearly 17) and yes they wind each other up CONSTANTLY which drives me to distraction but both the younger 2 are dreading DS1 leaving in Sept.
I hope they stay close as the get older

I encouraged them to do things together. Especially oitdoor stuff. Tbey lived ib the garden/ at the field and still do. They were all into the same things as each other at the same time. The older 2 have just been in 6th form together which has bonded them even more.
Without DS2 (I call him.my jam in the sandwich) I don't think DS1 and DD would have got on as they are too similar and a 3yr age gap seems trickiest from what my friends say!

I am one of 6, five sisters and a brother.

We are spread in ages so never really played with each other. There was never enough money so we competed with, and resented, each other.

As adults, I am very close to one sister and on good terms with the rest, based on our personalities & interests. The others get on ok but see each other maybe once or twice a year.

I think it's down to luck rather than planning.

They say you're defined not by your relationship with your parents but with your siblings.

I have got on really well with my sister since she grew taller than me at 14 and I had to respect her. Until then though I was a domineering bully and very territorial with regard to my parents.

Unfortunately I think those years really affected negatively on her self-esteem. She presents like an incredibly confident high-flyer, but has a history of bulimia and cocaine abuse (now resolved).

My DS18 and younger DD15 have a respectful relationship now and are generally lovely people. But DS treated DD horribly for the first ten years of her life. It's had a negative effect on her own self-esteem and he also suffers I think from being 'replaced' in his eyes when she was born (which is exactly how I felt as a toddler too).

I don't really think there's much you can do about it - IME if you either have two girls or a boy and a girl, they'll work any issues out naturally in the end. But unfortunately I don't actually think you can do a huge amount to control it.

My 3 get on well (all in their 20s now). They’ve always got on well but did go through a phase where they didn’t do well as a 3, but any pair would get on.
My DH and I are both one of 3 and we get on well with our siblings and we see each other fairly regularly (although none of us live nearer than 75 miles from each other) so I guess they’ve had that modelled to them growing up.

Mine are 4 and 1. Seem to love each other. They are very young though.

Mine adore each other. One is a stress magnet and the other super chilled. The stress magnet doesn’t trigger the chilled kid so there’s very little friction.