To ask if your children get on with one another, do you think it’s because of your parenting or just luck/personalities?

[Movingsoon21]

DH and I have one DC, seven months. We’ve always said we’d have 2 DC and DH has started asking what age gap we should have before the next one.

But I now know so many siblings who don’t get on at all, that it’s really putting me off having a second DC. I don’t want to deal with constant fighting and I don’t want current DC to have a miserable time arguing with someone at home.

As kids, my siblings and I hated one another and fought non-stop (although we get on fine now), and DH apparently bickered a lot with his DB and they hate each other as adults, which causes a lot of family stress. In both cases I think it’s a mix of personality clashes, exacerbated by certain parenting styles.

If your DC get on / if you’ve always got on with your siblings, do you think it’s because of a particular parenting style that assists sibling relationships, or is it just luck of the draw whether they have clashing personality types etc? If there’s a particular parenting technique I can use to help them get on I would feel more confident in having a second!

Encouraging friendship between them

My dd is nearly 4 and my ds 18 months. Ds adores his big sister. He follows her everywhere, he calls her name all the time and constantly wants to hug and play with her .... Unfortunately my DD is not overly impressed by him. She loves a hug but only on her terms and doesn't want to play with him. she has no tolerance yet for him so she tries to avoid him when she can. I'm hoping they will learn to at least tolerate each other as they get a bit older.

18 months between mine and they’re mortal enemies in between being best friends.

I’m sure I’ve heard that siblings have longer marriages on average than onlies, supposedly because they learn conflict resolution and long term relationship skills. Friends can walk away but you’re stuck with siblings and have to work it out.

so all that squabbling is good for them.

Oh dear, mainly seems to be luck. Not sure I want to roll that dice. @Trivester thst may be true but I’m not sure it would be good for me and my stress levels!

i have 2 sons. My oldest is 32 and my youngest 22. My oldest recently moved home as he has been diagnosed with bi polar and is finding life hard and needed support. My youngest has just graduated and taking a couple of months out and has every day been there for his brother from encouraging him to get out of bed and shower and dress to going out for lunch and helping him with his medication. I’m shocked they are now so close as they ignored each other growing up

I think parental relationship is a role model to a certain extent

Mine are 22 months apart (DD 12 and DS 10) and they are the best of friends. DS 10 is starting to really miss her as she spends more time with her friends. They will play for hours happily with the lego and it was in lockdown especially that i realised just how close they were. Every day together, through home schooling and they loved every moment, whilst DH and I were ready to kill each other!

I'm sure it's luck though and nothing to do with our parenting!

I think it is a mix of personality, age gap and parenting.

I have literally not known anyone who would claim their dc get along well. 😂 Mine are 9 and 4 and they do love each other but they could literally have an absolute knock out, hair pulling fight about whether the sky was blue. I truly don’t know anyone in real life whose experience with dc over about 3/4 is any different.

Dh and BIL are absolute best friends now in their 30s, but Dh still has the scare on his forehead from BIL taking an axe to his head when they were 10/13.

I have 3 very strong willed children ages 15,11 and nearly 7

Safe to say some days they would rsther be an only child. Other days they are amazing with each other and a joy to watch

Mine are 6 and 3 and argue all the time so much so I've booked them into the childminders when I've taken leave and cancelled some of my leave over summer as I can't stand it
Move used the excuse we are short staffed at work however the reality is I bloody hate it!

My two get on well. There is a 6 year age gap though and DS1 is the most laid back easy going person you will ever meet. He is just amused by his little brother's antics.

DS2 is also pretty chill but can be more of a pain in the arse and for some reason seeks to compete against DS1 when no competition is necessary.

My dds are 12 and 10 very different personalities dd12 is very academic and focused, dd10 is a totally comedian and full of carry on. But they are the best of friends, yes they bicker but they have each others backs.
I always tell them they have to look out for each other which they really do.
I also have an older sister with the same age gap we were extremely close growing up and despite our lives taking very different paths we remain very close in our 40s.

My two boys are aged 10 and 12 and they argue with each other around the clock. I find it really really difficult listening to them bickering and picking at each other ALL THE TIME. I need to read that book recommended by a PP.

Don't you know the first rule of parenting? If your DC does something good it's clearly due to your excellent parenting but if they do something bad it's their personality and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it.

DS adored DD from the day she was born and they are incredibly close well over a decade later. Just luck. I think as a parent you can harm their relationship ( eg through favouritism or unfairness) but you can’t force them to get on. The best you can do is model good relationships.

My 4 are close in age and got on well as kids, less well as teens and brilliantly as adults. They travel to see each other regularly.

It's luck and my amazing parenting 😂😂
It helped that they were close in age and I think it helped that they were naturally quite well behaved kids. I didn't have my kids do loads of extra cuticular stuff so they would play together a lot as kids. We also played a lot of board games and video games together so having fun together was normal. They laugh a lot when they are together.

It definitely luck too though.

I think parenting, how you deal with arguments, if you parent fairly (no favourites), and how you model relationships etc will affect the overall dynamic but I think you can still do everything right and have children who don't get along due to personality.

My two don't get on very well but they are close in age (2 years but consecutive school years, so feels like less, and DC1 is a boy/DC2 is a girl so that closes the gap even more). However, if they are in a group of friends they get on fine, so I think they just need a bit of "diluting". I'm actually sending them to different secondary schools as I think that will help.

My sister and I fought a lot but also played together a lot too, so I think the upsides outweighed the downsides. We drifted in our twenties as lived a long way apart but once I had my DC we saw a lot of each other and we're quite close now.

Age gaps are tricky because if you have big age gap- like 6 years plus- then it's unlikely they'll fight much (because the competitive element isn't there) but you also lose some of the benefits of a smaller age gap.

Mine are DD15 (almost 16), DS13 and DS8. They have always gotten along. They do have their moments but I find that because they are such different ages, they have different interests and don’t clash. My oldest is generous and nurturing to her brothers but they respect when she needs her own space. My boys sometimes bicker when they are doing the same thing but it’s not nasty, just annoying. DH and I try to treat them all equally so there is rarely any jealousy between them.

My brothers and I had a much closer age gap and we hated each other as children (fine now). But my parents also hated each other so that could have been the real reason 😂

My kids are 5 & 9 and they fight like cat and dog but also love each other to bits. It’s so weird! So 9yo has just been away for a week with her granny (5yo too young to take he’s a mummy’s boy) and my son cried every day for his sister, and when I spoke to her she missed him too. When she came home they cuddled on the couch for an hour and went to play games….then proceeded to fall out after a game of snap went awry 🙄 and informed one another they hated each other 😂 they’re all the same! Very few siblings IME genuinely don’t get on as children.

When I say ‘fight’ BTW I mean argue, I don’t think they’ve ever physically hurt one another!

I have a five and a half year gap between my two DDs. They have a good relationship and love hanging up together on me and their dad! In the last couple of years they've not played together as much but I expected that as they got older. They still like hanging about together on holiday but at home spend a lot less time together. I refuse to referee arguments which I also think helps!

Luck, personality and a 4.5year age gap. My 2 have always got on fabulously. Very, very few arguments. Nothing physical like tussling or smacking. Nothing to do with my parenting!

I sent them to the same child minder for 4 years (wrap around care for the older one) and I think that helped as my older DD became very protective of my DS. Other than that, neither of them are argumentative. They're chatty and funny. 😀

My children are now 16 and 11 for reference. They also get on well with their (11 year old) cousin, who they also lived with for a couple of years.

Its largely luck as to wherher they will be best friends but i think that your parenting style and role modelling can be that family is the most important thing. So my children arent necessarily best froends but they look iut for each other.