To ask if your children get on with one another, do you think it’s because of your parenting or just luck/personalities?

[Movingsoon21]

DH and I have one DC, seven months. We’ve always said we’d have 2 DC and DH has started asking what age gap we should have before the next one.

But I now know so many siblings who don’t get on at all, that it’s really putting me off having a second DC. I don’t want to deal with constant fighting and I don’t want current DC to have a miserable time arguing with someone at home.

As kids, my siblings and I hated one another and fought non-stop (although we get on fine now), and DH apparently bickered a lot with his DB and they hate each other as adults, which causes a lot of family stress. In both cases I think it’s a mix of personality clashes, exacerbated by certain parenting styles.

If your DC get on / if you’ve always got on with your siblings, do you think it’s because of a particular parenting style that assists sibling relationships, or is it just luck of the draw whether they have clashing personality types etc? If there’s a particular parenting technique I can use to help them get on I would feel more confident in having a second!

Total luck, I think, but I wouldn't avoid having a second for fear of squabbles - very few siblings fall out so badly that it impacts negatively on their lives and while it can be very tedious when kids have patches or even years of fighting, it's not forever.

Our two (DS and an AFAB non-binary one) are three years apart and seem to get on - we're probably heading for a slightly tricky bit when oldest is in mid teens and DS is coming into adolescence and it wouldn't surprise me if they rub one another the wrong way for a while then - even my older sister and I, who got on well, were a bit tetchy at that point. Bickering between them has only been very momentary, like lost tempers on a car journey.

I'll admit, I have seen friends really struggle with kids who are constantly arguing, but it is the exception and not the rule.

Luck, definitely. Me & my younger brother were always very different people with very different outlooks, interests & friends. There was nothing my parents could have done to change that. I was the odd one out in the family, not my brother. Now, as adults, we get on fine when we see each other, but we have little in common and are not close.

19yo & 15yo, both male.
They get on well enough most of the time, and always have.
Mostly connect over gaming, they chat, soend time together, cook for each other.
Ds1 is quite dogmatic and ds2 just goes along with things for the easy life, except when he decides he doesn't want to and ds1 usually recognises that he gets his own way most of the time and so acquiesces.

Mainly luck I think!

I have 4.5 year old DC (twin girls) and they are very close, although very different.
I think they get on as they have similar interests (at the moment), despite being totally different temperaments.
I can't tell how the future will pan out, but they get on well, despite bickering. Even though they are twins, neither refers to the other as her best friend, and they are close to different little pals.
I don't involved in their arguments, unless one is being truly harsh/mean to the other and I encourage them to seek space from one another if they need it.
My mother forced my sister and I (16 months difference) to always be together, wouldn't 'let' us argue and forced my poor sister to let me tag along wherever (I was the youngest).
My sister and I have a toxic relationship as adults and are currently NC.

Mine get on - I think from never comparing them and reading dr Laura Markhams’s booking ‘siblings without rivalry’. That set us up really well.

would recommend reading it. I am sure personalities make a difference but it makes sense to be prepared.

also there are lots of things you can do when the second baby is born that make a difference, like prioritising 10 mins ‘special time’ with the elder one.

17 months and get on really well. I agree that I think it's personality. My DD is very kind and gentle and puts her db's wants before her own, she won't even take a party bag at a party if he doesn't get one. I worry about this as I feel my DS might take advantage and also wonder why not everyone treats him like a little prince.
I'm an only and I find their bond astounding. I spend most of my time wondering why they don't hate eachother.

My sister and I didn't get on at all growing up and still don't now. We tolerate each other enough to sit for family get togethers, but we aren't close at all and it's definitely a personality thing. She isn't my usual type of friend but no matter how much effort I put in, she doesn't like me. I've stopped bending over backwards for her so now she really doesn't want to know.

DP and his sister aren't super close but actually like each other. They're very different personality wise but when we all meet up they get on so well. It's nice to see, I'm jealous of them.

I hope my DC get on when they're older but I really do think it's down to luck.

My sister (4 years younger) & I didn’t get on at all as kids but we’re really close as adults.

I think it’s because our parents never forced us together, so we were able to become friends when we were ready, which was when I went to university.

Although if I’d had to share a room with her I don’t think the relationship would have ever recovered.

@Xiaoxiong I read that book; really recommend it!

I have 9yo DD, 5yo DS, 3yoDS. They all get on very well. DD & DS1 have an amazing bond and she loves sitting and playing with him; he is the quietest of the 3 and very sensitive. DD & DS2 have lots of fun together; they’re very similar personalities both very mischievous and there’s always a lot of giggling when they’re upto something. DS 1 & DS2 are the best of friends. They’re 19 months apart and adore one another. Very different but fiercely protective of one another and both, although young, are very good at compromising so games usually go well.

obviously the 3 of them do squabble at times as all siblings do but, for the most part, they’re a tight unit.

DH & I both have 2 siblings and we’re close with all of them and with BILs and SILs. I would say the closest is me and my sister. She’s my best friend and we talk every day and see each other at least twice a week.

22 months between DS (nearly 15) and DD (just turned 13), and they really don't get on at all. I thought I'd done the right kind of things to encourage their relationship, but it hasn't worked. Their personalities are polar opposites, and they have no shared interests.
It's a real source of sadness to me, and I envy people who have siblings who get along.
Days out and holidays much be so much easier!

definitely personality means they get on, my children are very best friends love each other to bits but its because my eldest is so lovely and gives in to his little brother too much so there’s no arguing to be had.

I have 3, aged between 14 and 8. It’s inconsistent! They definitely love each other and are quick to defend each other if anyone else is unkind to one of them (eldest will step in if he thinks I’m being too strict with the younger ones, which drives me potty). Sometimes they get on brilliantly, but there is a fair amount of bickering too. It goes through phases and I think is developmental - eg there is usually one of them trying to assert their independence and pushing siblings away, and (although it changes) it’s usually clear which 2 are currently the closest.

I often feel like I have had no impact here at all - as their personalities have developed they’ve found their own paths and relationships with each other.

It’s my parenting and it is the thing I am most proud of. Literally. Most proud of.

Lots of parenting fuck ups but not this one.

I have two DSs, 18 and 16. They've always got on really well and still do now. They're close, with lots in common but very different personalities.
They tease each other mercilessly and get annoyed occasionally but they rub along well, go to the gym together, spent a lot of time together on holiday recently, older DS gives younger one lifts etc
It's down to luck but I do like to think we've had a tiny bit to do with helping them develop a strong bond.

I feel like its random as you don't really know what personality your kids will have. I have a sister 2.5 years younger and we never got on, we'd play as a group with all the kids on our street but never together at home other than maybe on a games console. As adults we get on but maybe that's because we don't live together!
Brothers always seem to get along a lot of my male friends who have a brother had them as their best men.
I have two boys with a 3y3d age gap and they seem to get on well most of the time. I think the eldest can be quite nurturing and because of the age gap they're not competing with each other to be the best at something. They don't always play together at home but play nicely in parks, playgrounds etc and don't really fight much. Definitely not as much as my sister and I did! I really hated her!

Mostly luck. My two teenagers are genuinely close friends, and it's mostly just down to their personalities. I'll take credit for having nurtured the relationship and not done done anything to mess it up, but even that I didn't do particularly consciously, and I couldn't have done it at all without them being compatible in the first place.

DS and DSS are almost 10 and almost 7. They’ve been in each other’s lives almost 6 years now and they love the bones of each other and play beautifully together. They do however get a “break” from one another when they’re at their other parents’ house

My DCs are young adults now but they get on so well. They have a lot in common and just ‘get’ each other. Their personalities are quite different- DS wears his heart on his sleeve and DD is more reserved.
When they were young they had a real ‘sibling’ relationship but have always been great company for each other (less than 2 years between them).

To add - I don’t think I did anything to help or not help!!

I have 3 DC...quite big age gaps as they are 24, 21 and 14. They are all very close and love each other to bits..particularly the 24 and 14 year old. I am not close with my brother at all and we fought like cat and dog as kids so my kids sibling relationships makes me very happy as I know they'll always be there for each other. I think it's mainly luck but I like to think I've modelled how to be a caring person at least.

Mum of 4 ages ranging from teen to toddler.

I'd say there's nothing you can do to 'make' them get on. But there's certainly many ways you can foster resentment between them. If one of them feels hard done by they'll take it out on the other, Xmas gifts have to be carefully planned to make sure nobody feels like an after though.

They all generally get along, squabbles here and there as yoh can imagine, a few fights at times too. But we try to be equal and fair and explain our choices which helps.

We also have a weekly board game evening and family meeting where everyone's grievances can be heard without any backlash.

There's quite a gap between my 2 but on the whole they get on pretty well. There's 2 years between me and dsis, and we get on much better now we no longer live in the same county 😂

I think it’s mostly luck. I get on way better with one of my siblings than I do with the other one and it really is just that one of them has a vastly different personality to mine. We have similar views on many issues, and actually have many similar interests up to a point, but we have such different communication styles and ways of interpreting things, and we tend to react to situations in completely opposite ways, which means we’ve always had a lot of arguments. I love her and we can get on in small doses but we fought like cat and dog when we were in the same house.

I made it my life time Mish for my young adult children to get on. I never played them off against each other. I made sure I was there for them, equally. I have separate relationships with them and anything they tell me does not get passed on. They all hang out, without me. They all go out, without me.

I see them most weekends. I am in contact with them, everyday. We tell each other we love each other, everyday. So, yes, I do feel like I have helped cement their relationship. After all, a lot of siblings don't get on because of childhood favouritism, etc.

Looking back at my own childhood, my mother always had favourites, couldn't keep a secret and secretly enjoyed the fact that we didn't get on- and we still don't today. She truly showed me how not to be. And I know she resents the fact that we are all so close. Weirdo.

You can't really predict.

DS and DD, 3.5 years apart really didn't get on during primary school, but after DD started secondary school they got on really well.

They are now 22 and 19 and it is great.

DH and his brother did not get on at all. BIL was 4 year older and used to beat DH up .... until DH grew taller and fought back. They still aren't close tbh.