To ask if your children get on with one another, do you think it’s because of your parenting or just luck/personalities?

[Movingsoon21]

DH and I have one DC, seven months. We’ve always said we’d have 2 DC and DH has started asking what age gap we should have before the next one.

But I now know so many siblings who don’t get on at all, that it’s really putting me off having a second DC. I don’t want to deal with constant fighting and I don’t want current DC to have a miserable time arguing with someone at home.

As kids, my siblings and I hated one another and fought non-stop (although we get on fine now), and DH apparently bickered a lot with his DB and they hate each other as adults, which causes a lot of family stress. In both cases I think it’s a mix of personality clashes, exacerbated by certain parenting styles.

If your DC get on / if you’ve always got on with your siblings, do you think it’s because of a particular parenting style that assists sibling relationships, or is it just luck of the draw whether they have clashing personality types etc? If there’s a particular parenting technique I can use to help them get on I would feel more confident in having a second!

You’re totally overthinking this and it is nothing you can control. I’m 48 and have never had a cross word with my big brother. On the other hand, always fought with my sister and have been NC with her for 5 years.

It’s not restricted to childhood!

if you’re looking for an excuse not to have another child, I don’t think this is it.

Have NC’d for this as really want to add to the conversation. OP I had all the same worries when DD2 was born 19 months after DD1. DD1 took an instant dislike to DD2 and exhibited behaviours, such as covering newborn’s face with pillow, throwing TV remote at her etc from the outset, which left me in tears (and was the only time I felt I had to reach out to MN for support). I bought the book everyone is recommending and read it but can’t now think how much of it I actually remember or used.

DD1 now 12 and has started secondary. DD2 is 10. If I’m honest, they’re relationship is probably a love/hate one. They get on really well at times and at other times want to strangle each other. Like PPs, I grew up in a large, fiercely competitive family and the one thing I wanted to avoid was raising my DC to compete against each other. I think I have been successful here. However, there are some things beyond my control. DD2 is autistic and has some speech issues but is incredibly bright. DD1 is NT and evolved into becoming DD2’s carer at school (frequently called on when teachers didn’t know how to cope with DD2 who would retreat into her shell entirely). This has definitely affected their relationship and though I try really hard to ensure there is no nastiness at home around singling out others for their needs, I know DD1 must harbour some resentment for inadvertently ending up as her carer. She is caring though and this is definitely a good trait in her. She can also be incredibly mean, which I come down hard on her for, sometimes too hard.

As an adult I get on really well with all my siblings bar one, I know my life would be much better if I never saw him or the rest of his wicked progeny ever again, but sadly I can’t avoid him at family gatherings. DH is an only child and has no understanding of sibling rivalry or love/hate relationships. As kids, there was a lot of nasty bullying in our house and I have always resented my parents for not stamping it out. It did teach me to stand up for myself however, something which proved very useful when I begun to get bullied at school! My sis and I did not get on when young but as teenagers we grew really close and became best friends. It irrevocably changed my life when she met someone and moved abroad in her early 20s. We never had that same closeness again, that was more than 25 years ago. I often think when our kids have grown up and moved on, perhaps we can live nearer each other and rekindle our friendship, but I don’t know if it would ever be the same.

OP I think you are very sensible for thinking this through now. But as many have said, you can’t control their personalities in the end. PS I have a DS who is 7 and generally, all 3 get on well most of the time. And I hope they will have a great affection for each other as adults as they do see how well I get on with my siblings despite our rocky childhoods.

Mine are very close, I think it’s down to personality types, a tiny age gap so there was never sibling rivalry as the older one doesn’t remember life without the other and wasn’t old enough to experience jealousy when the younger was born, teaching them conflict management sprinkled with a good bit of luck.

I think other than the very obvious - not creating a golden child / scapegoat dynamic, not having favourites, and not playing children off each other - parents have no control over how well siblings will get on.

I’m very close to my brother, who’s 20 months younger than me, even though we’re quite different people.

So close, that I (well, we) went for the same age gap with our DC. Our two are 18 months apart, and get on as well as my DB and I do.

It’s sheer luck, though. But I do absolutely see my close relationship with my brother when I watch them.

Of course they have the odd squabble, but most of the time when I need to ‘tell them off’, it’s to ask them to stop shrieking and laughing together so loudly!

And now as my brother and his husband won’t have children of their own, they adore my two, and my DC adore them.

I think it's mostly luck. My DS (13) and DD (11) get on somewhat. They don't really have anything much in common - maybe that helps as they don't have things to argue about? They are both quite caring but also can be quite pedantic, so most rows are about something ridiculous like did we eat lunch at 12.15 or 12.30 🤦‍♀️. However they both look after each other - DS is walking DD to the park to meet her friends today with no huffing at all - DD regularly saves him sweets etc that she knows he'll like, so I'd say they are thoughtful and both quite generous with each other. I don't necessarily think it's how they are brought up tho

The age gap is less important then how you treat them both. Favouritism, unfairness, quality lack of 1:1 time, having a ‘black sheep’ or family scape goat will hinder sibling relationships.

dB and I get on as adults, but never has children. I think mostly because my parents did nothing to encourage us. We were always treated separately (5 year gap) so for example we would never have a family trip out to somewhere we all enjoyed, it would always be a trip for me or a trip for dB and the other sibling would have to tag along begrudgingly.

My DC get on very well (4 year gap)..they bicker but we do try and make sure they see themselves as a cohesive family. Do things together we all enjoy.

My three fight sometimes but then 5 seconds later they're being nice to each other and they won't let other people be mean to their siblings.

My sister and Iive on different continents and I send my niece and nephew birthday and Christmas presents but we don't talk. And I do feel sad about that when I read about or meet people who are close with their siblings. That said, she is the child my parents really wanted, tall, slim, athletic, capable not socially awkward or clumsy like me and so why would she want to have any relationship with her loser sister anyway?

Some personality, yes. But I actually have worked very very hard to try to make sure that none of my children feel the way I do and that they can look at each other as people who can help each other. My copy of Siblings Without Rivalry is dog eared from how much I have read and reread it.

Thanks for the book recommendation, will check that one out

I think parenting has huge impact on sibling relationships. When my sibling and I were kids, our parents and grandparents analysed our personalities, looks, compared us to each other, had different approaches to our upbringing, more strict with older one - all these led to a lot of competitiveness and resentment and needless to say we are not very close.

My adult DCs get on very well, apart from the normal bickering as children. I know that each would do whatever they had to for the other.
My sister’s children hate each other, she couldn’t leave them together in the same room from about 3 and 5 years old, they would physically rip each other apart. Now, nearly 40 years later, they don’t have a good word to say about each other. It’s very sad but that’s how it is. If the see each other in town they’d cross the road to avoid meeting!

I have 4 DC aged 7-13 and they all get along very well. People often comment on it.

They are all kind personalities who get along with others easily, adapt to different scenarios and peoples needs, but we are also very sociable and have a wide circle of friends.

So I think it's a mixture of both.

Considerations for further sibling(s)
Space, time, money, SEN, age gap, mutual respect

1. Will they have their own space/retreat/area?
2. Do you have time for 1-1 /divide and conquer?
3. Is it going to cause £ stress on the family?

4.Would making reasonable adjustments impact the other?

1. Is the age gap too large?
2. Can they respect, if not like, each other?

Caveat: for all the above there will be families who make it work regardless of factors 1-5 In terms of nature vs nurture, I think nature is more influential but 6. is down to you.

I have two girls, 11 & 14.
they adored each other when younger but drifted apart from around 5 & 8, when the older one started to see her sister as annoying.

more recently I have encouraged them to be at least civil as they would just ignore, the odd snippy remark, but it was just that they lived in the same house. No arguing as such, but no relationship at all. It was very upsetting.

I have asked them to be civil to each other, if they feel a snippy comment coming on to ignore. It’s working. They actually spent two hours yesterday walking round Trafford centre together (no adults), & then the eldest dyed the youngest hair when they got home.

brought tears to my eyes!

luck, personality & parenting. Mixture of them all, I’d say

I have 3 sisters, only get on with one of them.
husband has two brothers, gets on with one.

Based on my own experience, I think personality and possibly parenting impacts.

I am one of 3. Me and my older brother have always been close and got on well, despite him being 5 years older. We are both quite easy going and laid back. In some ways, we are quite different- I have always been academic whereas he excels in more practical things but we have always been proud of each others achievements.

Neither of us get on with our younger sister which does make me quite sad. In part, I think it is personality- she is a difficult character, even as an adult, and very self centered. Not someone to compromise/go out of her way to help someone but expects that of others.

When growing up, I in particular, had to be responsible for her quite a lot due to parents work e.g. when I went to secondary, I often had to pick her up from primary, get us home/tea made etc. She was unpleasant and difficult which made me resentful.

I do wish we were closer and I have tried over the years but nothing seems to help so pretty much given up now.

People may think it's luck, but I beg to differ. There's a difference between not getting on & not being best friends. Obviously, if your kids have different personalities that don't match, they may never be best of friends, but there's no reason why they shouldn't get on with proper parental influence.

In my own experience, I didn't get on at all with my sister specifically because I was parentified (with my cousins too) and scapegoated constantly so grew to resent her. It wasn't till we both became adults and had a decent amount of time away from each other that we could come together and discuss our childhood and how it negatively affected us. I also think their parenting negatively affected her personality but that's a story for another day.