To ask if your children get on with one another, do you think it’s because of your parenting or just luck/personalities?

[Movingsoon21]

DH and I have one DC, seven months. We’ve always said we’d have 2 DC and DH has started asking what age gap we should have before the next one.

But I now know so many siblings who don’t get on at all, that it’s really putting me off having a second DC. I don’t want to deal with constant fighting and I don’t want current DC to have a miserable time arguing with someone at home.

As kids, my siblings and I hated one another and fought non-stop (although we get on fine now), and DH apparently bickered a lot with his DB and they hate each other as adults, which causes a lot of family stress. In both cases I think it’s a mix of personality clashes, exacerbated by certain parenting styles.

If your DC get on / if you’ve always got on with your siblings, do you think it’s because of a particular parenting style that assists sibling relationships, or is it just luck of the draw whether they have clashing personality types etc? If there’s a particular parenting technique I can use to help them get on I would feel more confident in having a second!

My 2 are 18 and 16, girl and boy.
DD has ADHD, which has had a big impact on their relationship, I think. She’s less mature than DS and extremely prone to scanning for any perceived favouritism/unfairness. Tbh, she’s hard work to live with a lot of the time.
In contrast, DS is pretty laidback, and finds life (academically and socially) pretty easy.

They get on ok most of the time, but I wouldn’t say they’re super close or particularly supportive of one another, which saddens me.

Growing up, I was one of 4 siblings, with a twin sister and older brother and sister.
My parents did a great job of diving and conquering, putting us against each other, with the result that my older siblings loathed each other, and my brother resented my twin and me for coming along and upsetting the status quo.
He and my twin sister took great enjoyment in bullying me (I was the shy, sensitive, “ good” child), and it continued into adulthood, so I’m NC with both of them.

My mum is a twin too, and hasn’t seen or spoken to her brother for about 20 years, so I do wonder if it’s something that gets passed down, subconsciously.

DH is an only child, as was my dad, so no examples of sibling relationships on those sides.

I'm not sure it's either.

Mine get on brilliantly but I'm not so sure that's a good thing. A bit of clashing with your siblings is part of learning to stand up for yourself. Mine are too considerate to each other, especially my NT one to her autistic brother, and I worry it's linked to low self esteem and too much "people pleasing".

Mine DC are 19 and 16. They get on fine now, but are not very close. The eldest was always disinterested in the youngest, they never played together much at all. Though they didn’t fight / bicker much either! I always tried to give attention to both of them , the eldest did loads of sports , the youngest a lot of varied hobbies. I tried to facilitate both and to play with them individually. It’s always been difficult to do things as a family as they want to do very different things. Though we do all like a day at the seaside!

I have a 22 month age gap between my children they are now both in their 20s. They have always got on really well mostly I think by luck. DS is the most chilled person in the world and would often give in to DD, for an easy life and because he loves her.
Right from the beginning though I stamped down really hard on any signs of nastiness would not allow things like name calling which caused so much trouble with my sibling, and I think this helped.

DS1 and DS2 are 15 months apart and adore eachother. They couldn't be more different personality wise, but there's never been a cross word between them. DS2 and DD on the other hand 🙄I'm sure they used to disagree on things when she was still a bump! It's exhausting and I'm hoping they will get along better as adults. I didn't particularly get along with my sister when we were children, but now we're great friends.

Ours love each other and I've always thought it's due to the personality of the older one. He's so patient and caring and always hated it when the younger one was upset, and therefore the younger one never had any reason to do anything other than adore him, as he was just another loving, older person, who always looked after him and cared for him. It's very sweet.

I have a 15 yo and a 12 yo. They get along incredibly well.

I think it's mostly luck. They like similar things, and enjoy spending time together. They are also home ed, so spend a lot of time together.

The fact that ds1 is a bloody saint with the things he puts up with from his brother probably plays a part in it too. The only parenting thing we do with regards to their relationship is pull ds2 up every so often when he takes his brother a bit too much for granted.

I was always very close to my older sister (2 years older) and to this day I consider her my best friend.

Modelled behaviour? I come from a family where siblings were close all the way up the chain on both sides. My parents were close to their brother, grandparents to theirs etc.

I was close to mine with 3 years difference (boy then girl). Probably a few years from when I was 10 where we argued a lot then close from mid teens onward. Dhs family full
of arguments and going nc on both side.

Mine are a nightmare - super close then hate each other. I find it distressing tbh as it was one of my most important relationships and I wanted that for them. Fingers crossed they'll move through this (early teens).

I have ds 18 and dd 16. When they were young they were totally unconnected, No fights but minimal interaction. ds had no time for dd although she probably would have like him to be more involved. For the last couple of years, they have discovered many areas they have in common and now often choose to go out together to movies or events. They get on really well and I am delighted. I, like a pp put it down to mostly luck although we tend to be a very respectful family to each other in general ie. Would never insult each other or speak rudely even if we have disagreements.

I have a younger brother with a 2.5 year age gap and we fought a lot when kids, physical and verbal but we were tight if we were both in trouble. We are close as adults and love spending time together with our respective families although we live in different countries. Maybe if we were together more often, we would not be so close.

I think it's probably best to go for the gap that suits you and your partner best, treat everyone in the family respectfully, expect the same from your children from a young age and offer the rest up to the universe, fingers crossed!

I have 3 girls. First 2 just under 2 years apart, get on very well generally (now 13 and 15, never actually had a time when they really couldn't get on, obviously have had fights and disagreements but not on a daily basis and not the norm) they are very different but have always hung out together when not at school and generally have fun. As teenagers they do spend more time on their own now but still together frequently.

3rd girl is 5 years younger than middle. She's now 8. The other 2 get pissed off with her as she is irritating.....as they were when they were 8! But they look after her and happily do stuff with her if I ask. (Eg 13 did tie dye with her tidal as I'd started but needed to get 15 from a friends) The only thing they argue about is putting her to bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think in the long runs closer age gap is easier in terms of getting on with each other though I can't speak for girl boy combination!

They go through stages throughout their lives. So their relationship will vary with age and whatever else is going on. Of course you can do the groundwork by being fair, good tempered and encouraging sharing, talking through problems etc

My Sister and I have 14 months between us. My Sister was the favoured child, first born. We got along to a certain degree as youngsters. My Sister turned into Satan as a teenager but she blonde, pretty and slim so my Mum lived through her (my Mum was obese and ginger; like me! as a teenager).

I honestly wished my Sister dead as a teenager. She was a total bully. Popular girl in school due to her looks and got good grades. She slapped me in front of my friends, as in straight across the face, as I was going to a concert with a friend outside of school. The worst thing she ever said to me was after bullying me for hours was 'if I was as fat and ugly as you then I'd kill myself'. Also I remember the twin towers falling but only because I was in sixth form, Sister year above me, literally punched me in the face (can't remember what displeased her at the time!).

Hated her as an early adult. Only became useful to her when she got a dog and I looked after them whilst she was at work. She finally matured during these years and I am close to her now. We lost our Mum unexpectedly 10 years ago which brought us closer.

She is Mum to two lovely children, she just morphed into an amazing Mum. As a child I thought she was horrid but adore her now.

I appreciate its not what you're asking OP, but my mum's parenting definitely drove wedges between me and my siblings and it set us on a path of being very distant. I have a twin and we were close as young children but he was adored/babied initially then scapegoated when older. Older sibling was golden child. One thing that is noticeable to me is we were never encouraged to spend any time together, show concern for each other etc. That pattern naturally continued and is something me and eldest had to essentially learn for the first time once we were young adults. Unfortunately my twin felt so disconnected he left home at 16 and never looked back, I've tried to build a relationship but he has kept a polite distance. I do genuinely wonder sometimes how things would have turned out if we had been parented differently. In our case there were no obvious barriers though (eg no extremes of personality, or disabilities that are likely to have an impact on each other)

Ds 11 and DD 9 15 months between them and they bicker like cat and dog, they play together regularly but usually ends up with one falling out with the other. Both have strong personalities but Ds has always been a bit emotionally stunted and struggled with recognising how to deal with situations. He is getting better the older he gets, but it's always felt a bit weird that he has had to actively learn these things rather than it coming naturally from observation. DD loves her brother to bits, pretty sure DS loves his sister a lot too but it isn't as obvious!

Mine are DD8 and DS4, and they both adore and despise one another.

For the latter, most of the time it's because DD doesn't want to play and DS does, or DD does want to play but DS doesn't do it "right" and she gets annoyed. DS can also be quite aggressive when he's cross (we're trying desperately to get this sorted) and DD is often his target.

And then they can be the absolute best of friends, only want each other, miss the other if they're not there (and spend the whole time talking about them!), etc. They play beautifully together when they really try and it's my favourite thing in the world. It doesn't ever last for long enough and I really try to enjoy it when it does!

I think this is 99% of the time down to luck/personalities.

I imagine there are very few parents on the planet who actively want their children to dislike or be indifferent to each other as siblings. Surely the vast majority of parents hope their children will get along and bring them up accordingly. If the children then don't get along, it's usually quite a sadness.

I have a sister 2.5years younger than me and she is my best friend in the whole world. The day of her birth is my first memory, we got on from that day. Nature/ nurture ? Who knows. In light of our relationship we have both replicated the same gap for our DCs, mine get along OK (DS18, DD 15) but not super close like we were as teens (we shared vlothes make up and boyfriends).

My kids are 18 and 13 and have always been close. I think for us it’s a combination of personality, parenting and age gap.

With just over a 5 year age gap, there was no room for physical fighting/pushing as obviously the younger one could have been really hurt. My son always did the older brother thing very well and my daughter really looks up to him. My daughter is more prone to worrying and my son is very laid back so he helps her a lot. I think the age gap also meant there’s never really been competition between them that so many siblings seem to have. Their personality is quite different in lots of ways but they just seem to get on. And they both love gaming.

We’re not particularly close our siblings so I really
wanted to encourage my own children to be close. We’ve always done lots as a family, the 4 of us are very close, probably due to not having lots of close extended family. My son will be off to Uni next year, my daughter is trying to persuade him to live at home. 😢 I’ve told him not to make a decision based on this but I know it’s weighing on his mind.

My DB and DSis got on really well as children, just a couple of years between them. I was a lot younger so never really at the same stage. Nowadays they can’t stand each other! Partly due to their OHs who don’t get on either. I’m the go-between, which is weird as I wouldn’t say it’s a natural role for me.

My 3 DSes get on OK. DS1 and DS3 get on fine but not best friends or anything. A 5 year age gap and differing personalities. DS2 has ASD so doesn’t really interact much with the other two. I had smallish gaps, 2-3 years, they’re all the same sex and that helped when planning activities as they like fairly similar things, though DS1 got a bit bored of things DS3 could also do.

My two are adopted. 15 months apart, DD6 & DD5. They get on really well probably 80% of the time. They have plenty of scraps but usually make up within a few minutes, although the scraps have started to get more pinching, scratching and hair pulling, which I’m desperately trying to stop they’re generally over before I have chance to get involved!!

It’s usually 6 of one, 1/2 a dozen of the other, eldest tries to boss youngest, youngest gives no fucks and is generally annoying in the way only the youngest child can be! but they laugh a lot and play together ever so well.

I’m really hoping they stay close as they get older. I know it’s down to luck, and personality but that feeling that they have each other’s back in time of need must be very comforting.

Mine get on great 18 months between them.
Firm friends.
My bro and I get on but we did fight a lot. We used to box so it was quite a sight when we went at it.
DP hates her sister but is close with her brother.

Me and my sister didn't get on as kids but we get on fine in small doses now. Definitely a personality thing. My 2 ds get on well (for the most part!) And I'd love to say it's parenting but I think it's just their age/personality. They do argue but they are also best friends. There's only 18months between them and they are 3 and 4.

My two get on really well DS and a DD with a 2.5 year age gap. There is a lot of luck involved. I think it helped that when DD was born she was a very difficult baby so she didn't oust DS as the most loved - putting him to bed was a wonderful break from DDs screaming for whoever's turn it was. Now they're older it helps that he is very chilled out and nerdy and she is very kind & is nerdy in a complimentary way. Two with the personality of DD would fight like cat and dog. Two with the personality of DS would ignore one another most of the time or be playing DnD every waking hour

I really didn’t get on with my brother, we fought like cat and dog and then stopped talking. I don’t remember my parents ever trying to make peace, my mum would get upset, but I don’t remember her helping much. I could be wrong.
However even with us not getting on I’m still glad for him, as adults we rub along okay and help each other out, when my father died it was good to have someone who understood.

My kids get on well, some of that is luck, they’ve got more common ground than db and I, but I also do try to get them to understand each other, be sympathetic and forgiving. My db and I would physically fight and I just wouldn’t tolerate that, different times.

Me and my sibling never got on. But as I’ve grown older I’ve come to see it was 8000000000% my parents fault.

everything always played off of each other. Always “well your sibling has done this so well” we were encouraged to snitch on each other.

even into adulthood my sibling still tries to fight for our parents attention. “My parents will always love me more because I gave them their first grandchild”