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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Getting the "ick" over long-term boyfriend?

29 replies

LostandFoundNever · 26/07/2022 23:23

Is this normal??

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years; we have a mortgage together, no children and we are both 28.

The past week I've been feeling very "icky", I don't know how else to describe it whereas usually I adore him and find him absolutely irresistible. I thought this feeling would pass and perhaps I was hormonal but I still feel that "ick".

Some examples are, he will text me midway through his working day saying:

"Can't wait to see my gorgeous lady later ;)"
And I feel "ick"

Or he'll text"
"Want to sleep with you (he uses the "f" word though) so badly later"
And I feel "ick"

I'm currently taking 2 weeks off work and we were dtd during the daytime and I just kept thinking about how weird it was that it was daytime and we were dtd, rather than being lost in the moment like I usually would.

I don't know if it's the sexual says that gives me the ick rather than him himself; like he'll just say to me randomly in the day "you loved last night" and slap my bum and I just feel bluergh.

After typing this, I've realised it is the "dirty" talk that gives me the ick; perhaps I need to talk to him about toning it down as it's a bit full on!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 23:26

You're getting the ick because he's grim

FlissyPaps · 26/07/2022 23:31

Has he always been like this?

Meraas · 26/07/2022 23:32

Agreed, he sounds awful.

Don’t ignore the ick, it’s your brain trying to tell you you’ve made a mistake,

Original poster

LostandFoundNever · 26/07/2022 23:34

Yes he has always been quite "sexual", I don't know if it's maybe a difference in sex drives between us both? But I don't know if it's because I'm off work atm but it's making me cringe 😶I do usually not take much notice do I don't get what's different about this week

OP posts:

EmmiJay · 26/07/2022 23:36

Tell him to relax on the dirty talk abit. I used to love that stuff when I was younger but now I just tell my bf to stfu and he laughs it off. Its become his way of teasing me and I like it..? I must be weird.🥴

Ace56 · 26/07/2022 23:38

Does he value you for anything other than sex? Ever make nice comments that aren't sexual? Do you have interesting, deep conversations?

If not, this is your brain giving you alarm signals!

Crikeyalmighty · 26/07/2022 23:39

@LostandFoundNever I think sometimes things sneak up on us and what we once found ok- we suddenly don't find so appealing. I would ask him to drop it as it's beginning to irritate-

MyAnacondaMight · 26/07/2022 23:40

Any chance you could be pregnant? Weird for such a strong change in feeling after 5 years.

Otherwise, yes - just ask him to dial down the sex talk.

RosyappleA · 26/07/2022 23:46

Well Im in my early thirties and love sexual talk when I am attracted to the man. Times I wouldn’t and would feel the ick are:
If i am low and hes pissed me off. Have you got any u resolved dispute?
Or have you forgiven him for something and tried to move on but not really forgave him deep down, as little as it may be?
Or a lower sex drive due to contraceptives.
I would ask myself if I was attracted to anyone else. Then there may be no going back as you may just not be attracted to him anymore.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2022 23:48

He sounds gross and equally as embarrassing. Like a daft 20 year old trying to sound sexy. Ugh.

gardenofweedin · 26/07/2022 23:48

It's not that odd for tastes to change. Cutting back on the dirty talk might do the trick, and it's easy enough to try.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/07/2022 23:49

BTW, you've grown up, he hasn't.

FormAnOrderlyQueue · 26/07/2022 23:53

You need to nip it in the bud now or this will turn from an 'ick' into you being turned off and grossed out when you're actually DTD.....

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/07/2022 00:32

Wow, amazing the first two posters can confidently say he's both 'grim' and 'awful' based on a singular post that pinpoints one aspect that OP doesn't like about her boyfriend!

Fuck sake.

@LostandFoundNever if he's always done this and it's only now it's bothering you, then he's never going to know it's bothering you unless you speak up. Just tell him to lay off the dirty texts and talk for a while, it's grossing you out.

sammylady37 · 27/07/2022 06:59

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/07/2022 00:32

Wow, amazing the first two posters can confidently say he's both 'grim' and 'awful' based on a singular post that pinpoints one aspect that OP doesn't like about her boyfriend!

Fuck sake.

Ah but this is MN and he’s a man and he’s expressing an interest in sex with his partner, all of which equates to him being grim/gross/vile/perverted/juvenile etc.

Whoops1 · 27/07/2022 07:05

Personally I think it’s the way he’s doing it.
My gorgeous lady, I want to f you, you loved last night…
would give me the ick too, the tone is..controlling, misogynistic? Can’t explain but not exactly respectful and romantic. More big man with possession.

Ws2210 · 27/07/2022 07:08

I find the ick usually comes when you have a need that is not being met....(maybe a need to feel valued?)....Or when you have overextended yourself or given more than you wanted to, or not been able to say no to something and resentment has built. E.g. Have you recently 'gone along with' sex but not been fully into it? Another example...Have you given a lot of oral sex and not been able to ask for any in return? The example doesn't have to be sexual, have you done more or your share of the chores recently and feel taken for granted in that area?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/07/2022 07:09

It's probably because you're spending too much time together. Familiarity breeds contempt and absence makes the heart grow fonder. Go away for a night to visit friends. Miss him a bit.

Twiglets1 · 27/07/2022 07:21

Not sure going away will help - he will miss her too and there will be more cringey texts about his gorgeous lady!

ValerieDoonican · 27/07/2022 07:32

Eew I agree with pps its toe-curling , presumptuous, and it diminishes you to his 'shag', as opposed to a life partner and fellow human. He's puffing out his chest metaphorically.

If you stay together and life happens - have kids, get old, get sick, what will you be to him then? Is it possible the 'one note' nature of his communication might be making you insecure about this, underneath?

Toloveandtowork · 27/07/2022 07:33

I always get the ick after about two years with a man. My sexual attraction for them goes way down and it feels like a brother/ sister relationship.
I think it's nature's way of getting women to spread their genes with several partners.
Men don't seem to go off women as quickly.

PinkPhlox · 27/07/2022 07:36

Have you changed contraceptive recently? Or come off them?

I came off the pill and found my boyfriend and all ex's suddenly repulsive 🙃

YouAreNotBatman · 27/07/2022 07:48

Can’t blame you for having the ick.
Gave me heebie jeebies just reading your post.

Tuilpmouse · 27/07/2022 08:21

Wow, amazing the first two posters can confidently say he's both 'grim' and 'awful' based on a singular post that pinpoints one aspect that OP doesn't like about her boyfriend!

OP - MN seems full of posters who get off on trying to split people up by exaggerating or over-interpreting issues. Im guessing they are projecting their own relationship woes onto others

As your relationship is now long term, it's unrealistic to think you'll constantly be in perfect alignment with each other.... A very simple conversation with him could well be enough to resolve this. If you don't tell him you're feeling icky, how's he to know?

Ultimately it's not your icky feelings in themselves that will determine whether your relationship lasts, it's whether and how you communicate the issue with your partner and how he responds..... It will determine whether your relationship survives the honeymoon stage (which it sounds like you've had for 5 years which is far longer than most this stage in most relationships) and becomes something long term that can withstand the ebbs and flows of life.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/07/2022 08:25

Toloveandtowork · 27/07/2022 07:33

This is why consensual non monogamy keeps sexual attraction alive!

and no I know it's not for everyone but more people should try it 😁

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