Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To want baby number four?

107 replies

Ohforgoodnesssakess · 25/07/2022 23:36

I know I am. I’ve just had baby number three and I am consumed with sadness this will be the last one.

she is so perfect I want another ten of her. Cannot believe i am never going to be pregnant again, give birth again, have a newborn again etc etc

i was so hoping I’d feel ‘done’ when she was born

i know rationally it makes no sense to have a fourth although it didn’t make sense to have a third either and that didn’t stop me and I’m so glad I did but I can’t stop feeling sad

tell me this feeling goes away? I can’t end up with twenty children!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohforgoodnesssakess · 26/07/2022 06:53

Another sleepless night hasn’t changed my mind 😩

OP posts:

JennyForeigner · 26/07/2022 07:01

Hold on. It passes.

Darbs76 · 26/07/2022 07:04

Well it has to be the last at some point. You could have another and still feel like that. I know someone who was like that and is pregnant with no 10. I think realistically you have to look at your circumstances and how many children you can afford without sacrificing lifestyle of your other children.

Numbat2022 · 26/07/2022 07:05

Well, this is why people do end up with 20 children. At some point you have to make a decision with your head and accept that you don't have the money, space or capacity to look after and pay attention to so many children.

11Hawkins · 26/07/2022 07:10

Your baby is only little, enjoy her without rushing onto the next one.

Strawberries86 · 26/07/2022 07:12

If you spend this time worrying about when it’s finished, you will miss it!

Maybe it’s about thinking about how you can enjoy your children at every age, not just as newborns. You might want another baby but it takes a lot of skill to give 1:1 quality time to 4 children, maybe think about how if you did just keep going, your current children would lose out of precious bonding time with you?

Catsstillrock · 26/07/2022 07:20

It’s a normaL urge OP. We’re biologically programmed to want more babies, and in some
people that urge is stronger than others.

also true that it comes and goes. I felt similar when my last was a new born, and DH and I went back and forth on whether to try for one more for a while.

if the pandemic hasn’t happened maybe we would have.

but the last is four now and sticking with what we’ve got was the right decision.

i loved being pregnant and having new borns too and part of me will always be nostalgic for it.

but being a good mother is about more than that phase, and we can meet the needs of the children we have, well - emotional and financial . Not feel run ragged all the time.

a lot of people with larger families are in denial about the toll it takes on their kids.

as a PP said it takes a lot of skill and luck - (what those kids are like) and money to meet the needs of four kids well.

FergieFergus · 26/07/2022 07:22

I felt the same after Dc3.

We forced ourselves to think with our heads and DH got the snip.

Then we got a puppy 😁

Ravenclawdropout · 26/07/2022 07:27

Well I have friends with 6, 8 and 9 who've all turned out fine! I have 3 and very sadly miscarried my 4th. I do think at times what life would be like if that baby had survived. I personally don't consider 4 a huge family. DH and I would've happily had 4 or 5. You don't have to convince yourself that it's somehow wrong to have another child if it works for you and your husband.

arrogantorwhat37 · 26/07/2022 07:30

Catsstillrock · 26/07/2022 07:20

It’s a normaL urge OP. We’re biologically programmed to want more babies, and in some
people that urge is stronger than others.

also true that it comes and goes. I felt similar when my last was a new born, and DH and I went back and forth on whether to try for one more for a while.

if the pandemic hasn’t happened maybe we would have.

but the last is four now and sticking with what we’ve got was the right decision.

i loved being pregnant and having new borns too and part of me will always be nostalgic for it.

but being a good mother is about more than that phase, and we can meet the needs of the children we have, well - emotional and financial . Not feel run ragged all the time.

a lot of people with larger families are in denial about the toll it takes on their kids.

as a PP said it takes a lot of skill and luck - (what those kids are like) and money to meet the needs of four kids well.

No, not everyone is biologically programmed to have 'more' children, or indeed any. Many women have no biological imperative to procreate, and most certainly don't feel programmed to keep churning them out

Roselilly36 · 26/07/2022 07:34

Many congrats on your baby OP. Probably hormones, I felt like this when I had DS2, I felt really sad that I would not have another baby, DH & I had agreed on two, soon settled though, helped by the fact he wasn’t the contented baby DS1 had been! Didn’t fancy going through all that again. Enjoy your baby and who knows if you want a 4th in the future, go for it, but in the meantime enjoy what you have now. Good luck.

FizzyLizt · 26/07/2022 07:43

I don't know many people who can comfortably afford more than 2. Both financially and emotionally. That's what would make me put the brakes on. We will stop at 2, the only reason I would have to make the youngest a middle child would be my selfishness of wanting to be pregnant and have a newborn again, and I don't think that's fair to the children I already have. I am the youngest of three and didn't like it. The middle child also suffered. The only one who would say he had a good childhood is the eldest. I don't think my parents had enough between them to support us emotionally and it really showed. I am therefore probably a bit jaded about anything over 2 kids unless one of you works very little or not at all. But I don't know anyone like that. Most couple I know are both full time or 1.8WTE between them (and above average earners).

KosherDill · 26/07/2022 07:44

Think of the planet your existing children will need to exist on.

FizzyLizt · 26/07/2022 07:44

Not meaning to be negative about three either, I did think before I posted. But I thought posting might also help as you've got three in terms of how it can be for some youngests of three to grow up. I'm sure many have a much better time than I did, but not all will. Being the youngest isn't always great.

Enko · 26/07/2022 07:44

I never had the 'done' feeling but dh did after no 4 so we stopped there. For me I'm 52 I've been through menopause but I'd still love another.

jayneyitscastleblayney · 26/07/2022 07:45

4 times the money for everything. Mine needed new shoes about three times a year at one point. Forking out for 10 to 12 pairs a year. In this economy? Apart from environmental considerations, the cost alone should be putting you off. Nothing is getting cheaper. The world is also on fire and you want to have 4 children? You would be mad.

MsTSwift · 26/07/2022 07:51

Teens are amazing but emotionally hard work even easy ones and extremely expensive. Weekly Dh I breathe a sigh of relief we stopped at 2. And yes the planet is quite literally on fire witnessed the flames myself last week in France. Absolutely terrifying but we are all ignoring it!

Catsstillrock · 26/07/2022 08:18

‘No, not everyone is biologically programmed to have 'more' children, or indeed any. Many women have no biological imperative to procreate, and most certainly don't feel programmed to keep churning them out’

i didn’t say everyone was.

it is a completely normal feeling after you’ve just had a baby, though. I felt that way after every baby, and so did lots of my friends in the newborn weeks. Which is not to say everyone feels it at that point.

it is hormonally driven, to help the survival of the species. Especially in pre modern times when plenty of babies didn’t survive, hormones driving a desire for more helped created more babies, some of which did survive. So it is a biological urge.

Doesn’t mean everyone feels it as a mother of a newborn, nor that you have to act on it.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2022 08:24

I am assuming that none of your children are older than primary school age yet.

My advice is to NEVER underestimate the emotional and financial toll having 4 teenagers take, even if they sail through life without any issues.
Friendship issues, relationship issues, bullying are extremely emotionally draining. Multiply this by four and you will be an emotional wreck.

Then you have the added stress of GCSEs x 4
A levels/other leverl 3 qualifications x 4
UCAS x 4

Then financially:
4 school uniforms
The cost of clothing 4 teenagers - they won't want to wear hand me downs. If they are lucky they will be able to get work after 16 (employers these days are reluctant to emply young people under 16)
4 mobile phones
4 laptops - they will definitely need these to access the school's VLE as all homework is now set online
Supporting through university - student finance only looks at your income, not your outgoings

I agree. Fortunately for the planet there are many women like this.

Mum4kids1dog · 26/07/2022 08:34

I've got 4. I love it but it can be hard work. It's hard to give them all your equal attention, though that may be down to age differences. I've got a teenage and my youngest is 4. In my opinion, going from 3 to 4 was more of a difference than going from 1 to 2 or 2 to 3. But if you're not done and you'll alwsys regret not doing it, then go for it.

LuckyAmy1986 · 26/07/2022 08:53

KosherDill · 26/07/2022 07:44

Think of the planet your existing children will need to exist on.

No me on these threads ever seems to think about this or care!

“if you’ll regret it, then go for it” 😳

what about the baby? The world they are being brought into? Selfish.

Caspianberg · 26/07/2022 08:53

I think more than a couple of children is much harder as they grow. Nowadays you need to financially support them through education, housing or they stay home longer due to cost. Childcare is expensive.

I don’t think large families can possibly have enough 1-1 time to cater to all needs of an individual.

rainbowmilk · 26/07/2022 13:15

LuckyAmy1986 · 26/07/2022 08:53

No me on these threads ever seems to think about this or care!

“if you’ll regret it, then go for it” 😳

what about the baby? The world they are being brought into? Selfish.

Show quote history

People generally don't care. There was a MN poll thread a few months ago asking if people cared about climate change and it came out as 50/50. Why people who have children have no interest in the world the children will live in is utterly beyond me, but many don't.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2022 13:23

I wonder how many climate change deniers were complaining about the heat last week.

Mally100 · 26/07/2022 13:26

LuckyAmy1986 · 26/07/2022 08:53

No me on these threads ever seems to think about this or care!

“if you’ll regret it, then go for it” 😳

what about the baby? The world they are being brought into? Selfish.

Show quote history

I agree. Op is clearly thinking very selfishly having just had a baby, so clearly the reasons are from an unhealthy place/need. I know a few people who have 3 and have been honest enough to admit that they can't give each child the time and attention they deserve. Op you don't need a 4th, you need to find out the reason why a child makes you feel validated.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread