To want baby number four?

[Ohforgoodnesssakess]

I know I am. I’ve just had baby number three and I am consumed with sadness this will be the last one.

she is so perfect I want another ten of her. Cannot believe i am never going to be pregnant again, give birth again, have a newborn again etc etc

i was so hoping I’d feel ‘done’ when she was born

i know rationally it makes no sense to have a fourth although it didn’t make sense to have a third either and that didn’t stop me and I’m so glad I did but I can’t stop feeling sad

tell me this feeling goes away? I can’t end up with twenty children!

Define 'better life '. Look at Brooklyn Beckham. Shit photographer, shit cook... From what I can tell there's no substance to his life. No career. No further education. Not doing anything of substance despite being given the most extraordinary of opportunities and having a life of extreme privilege.

Unless of house you count just being rich with no talent or meaning as a 'better life '. Which most people wouldn't

@Bigwetdog he’s had more experiences and opportunities than many his age. He has had a much more comfortable and fulfilling childhood than many his age. A life of extreme privilege is better than a life of extreme poverty.

He CAN be a shit photographer and a shit cook; he won’t starve because he chooses to spend his time doing things he enjoys as opposed to having to do a job he hates to pay the bills. He has the privilege of choice. Many don’t.

@Bigwetdog and there are millions of people in this world with no talent. Having talent doesn’t mean having a better or worse life.

I used to feel like that. But to have the time to spend doing things and talking with my teens is precious. I can give my undivided time. So in retrospect although I wanted another baby a few years ago, I'm glad it's worked out this way. Also thinking ahead: driving lessons, university fees, helps g with house deposits - it's very expensive!!

Op I felt exactly the same almost 6m ago when dc3 was born, I’d really hoped to feel done but instead sobbed at the idea she’d never have a sister… I still don’t know but I am 40 next year so the increasing risks worry me a lot. As does having time and money for 4. But dynamics wise I feel 4 is better than 3, there is less likelihood of leaving someone out when there are the younger two and the older two… My Dh will probably decide no for us!

You said the Beckham's were able to give their kids a 'better life' because of their money.

Define 'better life'. What makes a life 'better' to you because most people with any smarts wouldn't think the answer is simply 'money'.

Also interested in how you define a 'fulfiling' childhood beyond 'money and fancy holidays'

Consider the future of the planet that the three you already have are going to be living on. Ive got two myself and worry for their future. I used to badly want grandchildren. I dont really anymore tbh because the future of our planet seems so bleak.

Celebrate the three you have. :)

Lol of course you think it’s selfish not to have kids. Selfish to who?

Planet is already too full. BF, my half sisters, more then half of BF's family have decided not to breed altogether. His cousin's cousin has adopted two children specifically because she felt too many had no parents. She couldn't in good conscience add to numbers. She has other reasons. Her DH has child by previous partner & happy to agree.

@Bigwetdog I already answered you in my first reply to you.

Most people would find it difficult to financially, mentally, physically and emotionally support 4 children. That doesn't mean those kids have a bad life. It does mean that they my have had a better one of their parents weren't stretched that thin. I think it's selfish to just plough ahead with having multiple children without thinking about the impact on the ones that already exist that's all. I'm glad your children have a great life. Plenty won't though. If you can financially support 6 people plus ensure 4 kids get 1-2-1 time, downtime, to read with their parents every day, their own space in the home, their own passions and hobbies, to see the world and to experience as many things as possible... whilst also nurturing your own passions, career, relationships... then crack on.

I just don't understand the idea of OP being desperate for another baby when they've literally just had one. At least give it time to see how life is for all of you with 3, before you add to that.

@Bigwetdog

You’re saying money isn’t everything, but it makes for a damn better and more comfortable childhood than one with constantly anxious, stressed parents who are struggling to get by / being hungry, cold, homeless / being expected to work at 16 to help pay the bills because your parents benefits are reducing / being told you can’t go on the school trip, the day out, have the trainers you want / have friends round because the house is a mess or in a poor state or there’s not enough food, waiting months for operations or treatment because your parents can’t afford private, going to a failing school in a deprived area because your parents can’t afford a car or bus fare and it’s the closest one. Basically, a complete lack of opportunity and encouragement because why encourage someone who’s future is already mapped out. University not an option, further study not an option. Whilst you may not consider the beckhams great parents (and I did point out initially that I was merely stating an example of a wealthy family who had 4 children, in relation to someone saying people don’t have enough money for 4 children) I think it’s very obvious to someone, who isn’t pedantic like yourself, to realise their children have had much more opportunities and access to a wider range of experiences than a smaller family with 1/2 children whose parents might miss school events as they’re both working full time, who may be too tired every evening so can’t or don’t sit and do homework, play and read to their children, who don’t have grandparents or ones young enough to help as they had wait to years to afford to get on the property ladder and establish careers after being left with thousands in debt from university, whose entire wage goes on a mortgage they had to stretch themselves for, wrap around childcare costs as they both need to work full time and bills; leaving next to nothing for holidays, days out or extra curricular activities; all of which give children a well rounded childhood.

Do not do it, Christ. It’s just hormones. It’ll pass.

Don't do it. Cute babies grow into teenagers that rip your heat, bite it into tiny pieces and spit it back at you
(bad few days, sorry 😞)

Rip your heart out 😔

@berksandbeyond I agree with you; I also advised OP to see how 3 goes before having another.
I also agree with all the things you listed; space hobbies and 1-1 time etc with all children and there’s no way we would’ve gotten pregnant with another if I wasn’t completely sure we could provide all those things for all 4; I am certain we can and will.
Plenty won’t, including children who have no siblings or just 1. All parents are different and some won’t be able to offer 1 or 2 children the things you’ve listed. Only we know our own capacities and what is capable for our own families. That’s why I don’t think people saying an outright no to OP isn’t fair; we have no idea of their circumstances.

@headstone can you please explain the ‘it’s selfish not to have children’ because I was told that repeatedly when I was childfree and I do not understand it.

I also loved that baby stage and craved more after the birth.

I think the reality of activities, music, dance football, brownies scouts every night becomes challenging when you move beyond 3 children.

I also did not anticipate how raising teens is so different to small children.
They need you far more to emotionally available than when they are small for the ups and downs. Also into adulthood

They need you far more to emotionally available than when they are small for the ups and downs. Also into adulthood

To overuse a mumsnet cliche ^^ this with bells on.

I guess because the birth rate is crashing and there's already a real and genuine concern there won't be enough people to care and pay for older generations in their old age.

The answer to having a large elderly population is not to create an even larger generation of babies that will require an even larger generation of babies for when they get old. That’s a pyramid scheme.

Rainbowmilk you only don’t see the effects of a low birth rate in this country because we import immigrants. Try to imagine the NHS without workers from countries with higher birth rates. It’s selfish to have children it’s also selfish no to have them

How is it selfish not to have kids?! Selfish to who? Having kids is the ultimate act of selfishness. We create more people knowing that they are going to have to wander this planet essentially alone, and then die. We do it for the selfish reason that we want to have babies. There's absolutely nothing selfless about it.

Not saying I agree with the pp. But it's a tricky one to solve!

It's understandable to feel that way. However, I've found the teenage stage to be extremely difficult and unpleasant.. So when I found out I was pregnant with my third I was devastated. We did decide to go ahead with it and of course I don't regret it at all, he's a wonderful little toddler. But it's a struggle reaching the needs of two teens and a toddler, the teens are more exhausting to me than a baby or toddler ever could be.
Anyway, my point is, you can't think of it as having another baby, think of it as having another child, a 7 year old, 10, 15 etc.

Wait until they are teenagers.. at the same time. You'll be glad you stopped at 3 !