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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want baby number four?

107 replies

Ohforgoodnesssakess · 25/07/2022 23:36

I know I am. I’ve just had baby number three and I am consumed with sadness this will be the last one.

she is so perfect I want another ten of her. Cannot believe i am never going to be pregnant again, give birth again, have a newborn again etc etc

i was so hoping I’d feel ‘done’ when she was born

i know rationally it makes no sense to have a fourth although it didn’t make sense to have a third either and that didn’t stop me and I’m so glad I did but I can’t stop feeling sad

tell me this feeling goes away? I can’t end up with twenty children!

OP posts:
Fluffygreenslippers · 26/07/2022 13:28

I think you’re bonkers.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2022 13:30

you need to find out the reason why a child makes you feel validated

I'd agree with this. Having children doesn't define us. What is missing in your life that means you have to keep filling it with babies @Ohforgoodnesssakess?

TheDuchessOfMN · 26/07/2022 13:35

Unless you’re a very high earner, I really don’t understand how anyone affords 4.

4 little ones, (excluding childcare) maybe. But 4 teenagers (adult sized everything)? no.

Even if you can afford it, think of the emotional needs of 4, the daily grind of making 4 lunches, washing 4 uniforms, illness, bickering, all those pairs of shoes around the house, the noise, extracurricular activities x 4, homework & exams x 4, swimming lessons, haircuts, the possibility of another having SN and how that would stretch you and what it would mean for the existing 3.

paying for a holiday for 6 people Confused

Wouldn’t you like to be able to help them out financially towards uni etc when they’re older?

They are only babies for about 5 minutes. I wouldn’t.

Mally100 · 26/07/2022 13:38

TheDuchessOfMN · 26/07/2022 13:35

Unless you’re a very high earner, I really don’t understand how anyone affords 4.

4 little ones, (excluding childcare) maybe. But 4 teenagers (adult sized everything)? no.

Even if you can afford it, think of the emotional needs of 4, the daily grind of making 4 lunches, washing 4 uniforms, illness, bickering, all those pairs of shoes around the house, the noise, extracurricular activities x 4, homework & exams x 4, swimming lessons, haircuts, the possibility of another having SN and how that would stretch you and what it would mean for the existing 3.

paying for a holiday for 6 people Confused

Wouldn’t you like to be able to help them out financially towards uni etc when they’re older?

They are only babies for about 5 minutes. I wouldn’t.

I don't think these people are thinking along the same lines. I can't imagine they would be providing these opportunities to all 4 kids.

Staynow · 26/07/2022 13:55

Don't you think it's sad that instead of appreciating what you have - the thing you say makes you so happy - you're just upset and sad that you won't have it again, and again, and again.

Perhaps it's time to concentrate on how wonderful the toddler years, preschool years, school years, teen years are - rather than just pumping out baby after baby because that's the bit you like?

Blossomandbee · 26/07/2022 14:04

I felt like this after my third, everyone kept asking if I was done and I couldn't say I was. But as the newborn stage passed and her needs changed and increased, along with my other DC's needs the feeling passed. I still got the occasional pang but that's all it is.
4 children changes a lot, even having a standard 5 seater car for example. It's also hard to give quality 1:1 time the more you have. Sometimes head has to rule the heart, but only you know what you can cope with and what is best for your family.

3luckystars · 26/07/2022 14:09

OP, all I will say is to think of the ones you have. Every extra one you have takes time away from them. If there is any issues, you now have several others to think about.

mydogisthebest · 26/07/2022 14:17

Well 3 children is already a lot. Couples should be sticking at 2 at most. Does no one care about climate change and the future all the children being born now are going to face?

So many selfish people

Louise0701 · 26/07/2022 14:23

I felt like you OP, although DC3 is almost 3 so older than yours and I’m pregnant with number 4. Absolutely cannot wait but this will definitely be our last child. We have enough bedrooms for all 4 to have their own rooms so that’s my limit.

If you want 4, can afford 4 and know you can give 4 your time; go for it. I would give yourself longer to ensure you can give 3 your time first though.

MsTSwift · 26/07/2022 14:27

Insane. They don’t stay toddlers forever. Parenting 4 teens in our society? No bloody way. Agree you need to find out what it is in you that is validated by having all these children and do something about it that isn’t having more and more children. Look at the thread moaning about tourists. Planet is overcrowded.

ChimneyPot · 26/07/2022 14:36

I had 3 very close in age and always wanted a 4th. Not a 4th baby but a 4th child.
I did have him and knew as soon as I was pregnant that I was done.
It is a lot and it is busy but the 3 oldest are adults now and the youngest is not yes a teenager and I know it was right for our family.

Londonwriter · 26/07/2022 14:44

I have a two year old and a five year old, and want a third child. It's not insane to want the family size you want, and you'll know what family size is right for you.

BigWoollyJumpers · 26/07/2022 14:49

As a pp has said, the initial years are fine, lots of things can be shared, and passed down, but when you have four teenagers the costs ramp up. A four or five bedroomed house, four phones, laptops, driving lessons, cars, holidays, university top ups (£8k per child if you are on minimum loan). I have a friend who financed their four through private school and university (all at the same time), their income was obviously good, but their standard of living pretty poor!

Original poster
Ohforgoodnesssakess · 26/07/2022 16:45

I do wonder what it is that I find so fulfilling, especially as I actually have an extremely professional career…

that does pay, sorry to disappoint @Mally100 , very well ☺️

OP posts:
Tabbouleh · 26/07/2022 16:50

On every discussion about climate change there are posters yelling that Indians and Africans are having too many babies, but the carbon footprint of a Western child is far larger. And 4 Western children... well.

Phrenologistsfinger · 26/07/2022 16:54

Some of us will never get to have one child, let alone three. Grieve all you like of course but you are already very lucky.

BlackbirdsSinging · 26/07/2022 16:54

Global birth rates are crashing.
The population size is not yet decreasing as death rates are also falling (due to the increased access to health care).
I wouldn’t worry about over population. That is already sorting itself out.

mydogisthebest · 26/07/2022 17:04

Louise0701 · 26/07/2022 14:23

I felt like you OP, although DC3 is almost 3 so older than yours and I’m pregnant with number 4. Absolutely cannot wait but this will definitely be our last child. We have enough bedrooms for all 4 to have their own rooms so that’s my limit.

If you want 4, can afford 4 and know you can give 4 your time; go for it. I would give yourself longer to ensure you can give 3 your time first though.

Yes just be totally selfish and go for it.

Just because someone can afford 4 children now does not mean they will be able to afford them in the future. Just look at some of the threads with posters saying they could afford 3/4/5/6 or god knows how many children but something happened (illness, loss of job etc) and now they are really struggling.

mydogisthebest · 26/07/2022 17:08

BlackbirdsSinging · 26/07/2022 16:54

Global birth rates are crashing.
The population size is not yet decreasing as death rates are also falling (due to the increased access to health care).
I wouldn’t worry about over population. That is already sorting itself out.

Are you seriously saying that overpopulation is not a problem in the UK?

I must be imagining all the problems with the health system, the education system, the lack of affordable housing, the overcrowding on public transport etc etc etc etc.

Louise0701 · 26/07/2022 17:56

@mydogisthebest some people might be able to afford one child now but not in a few years.
some people might be able to afford a mortgage now but not in a few years
some people might be able to afford a new car now but not in a few years

Should people never do any of those things either?

RampantIvy · 26/07/2022 18:04

Just because someone can afford 4 children now does not mean they will be able to afford them in the future.

If you look at the WIWIKAU Facebook page there are a lot of parents seriously worried about how their DC are able to afford to go to university. The parents can't make up the shortfall between their student loan and the cost of accommodation, so the students will need to work, which is fine for low contact humanities degrees, but more difficult for STEM degrees with lots of contact hours and lab practicals, and even more diffcult for medical students and Osbridge students.

Purplepurse · 26/07/2022 18:25

You have to think long term . Its not even the money. Will you still be as keen on sitting through your 4th childs school performances, helping with the same homework 4th time round. Doing the school run for x number of years. Masterminding the endless after school clubs.
You think you will. But its quite likely you won't! It actually gets quite boring.

RampantIvy · 26/07/2022 18:28

Good points @Purplepurse.

One of my friends has 4 DC, the last being a surprise.

The older two got taken to lots of toddler groups, soft play etc, then there was a gap between 2 and 3. The third child went to fewer toddler groups and soft play and by the time the fourth child was old enough she went to very few toddler groups and soft play because my friend had had enough of going to these places.

Mally100 · 26/07/2022 18:35

Even with the money, there isn't a way it's possible to give them the time and attention they deserve.

Moonface123 · 26/07/2022 18:56

So easy to say whilst they are at this stage and you still have loads of energy, fast forward 10 - 15 years, its a totally different kettle of fish, many of us are dealing with the teen years as well as supporting elderly parents whilst holding down a job as well as going through the menopause. l never thought ahead to any of that whilst mine were still babies. As a lone widowed parent l am so glad now l stopped at two.

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