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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Every Sunday has now been booked

143 replies

Funinthemud · 25/07/2022 22:47

I have just been informed by my ex partner

That from now on every Sunday my ten year old daughter will be going to gymnastics

We rotate weekend's

Am I unreasonable to be annoyed as I was not consulted first

It now means that every other Sunday I need to take my daughter as well as my younger son to a gymnastics class

I know she will enjoy it but it's the printable of the thing, I should of been asked first

They would not take them on my Sunday and they will make a big deal out of it if I miss it

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 26/07/2022 06:57

Yes, you should have been asked first, but I still think YABU

Once your DC are old enough to appreciate and fully participate in classes that run at weekends then yes you lose all your term time weekends. This happens whatever the parenting arrangements

Don't be the parent who dicks around with their DC's activities and makes it hard for them to attend on their week.

napody · 26/07/2022 06:57

RaisinGhost · 26/07/2022 06:51

From the careful avoiding of pronouns, sounds like OP is male and his ex is female and the RP. Not that the sex changes things, but I think her being RP does. The ex looks after the child most of the time, but you begrudge taking the kid to one activity every two weeks and are pissed off because they won't take [the child] on my sunday. Why should "they"? It's one thing for probably one hour. If you have to miss it because of some other important event, so be it.

Not to mention your son from your current relationship is allowed to do an activity on Sunday, but dd isn't apparently.

Yup.

GettinPiggyWithIt · 26/07/2022 06:58

How nice for her to have an activity that happens every weekend whether she’s with her father or mother

I think that sounds like quite a stabilising thing to do. Consistency is good.

Pythonesque · 26/07/2022 06:59

I'm surprised no-one's mentioned one of the things that would have also annoyed me. I try to avoid regular working on Sundays or doing things that require others to work them, within reason. (there are necessary exceptions to this, I did work in healthcare years back). While I have done all sorts of one-off Sunday activities with my children (and indeed have sometimes run occasional Sunday groups), I would have thought twice and thrice about signing them up to a Sunday club and it would certainly have been discussed if it was the only way to do something they were very keen on. The only time they ended up with a regular Sunday commitment was when they were chorister ...

balalake · 26/07/2022 07:02

Weekly gymnastic or other classes fine. Lack of consultation not.

KateMcCallister · 26/07/2022 07:03

I read the op to mean that the son now also needs to be dragged to the class as op has no alternative child care for him.

Yanbu to want to be asked first.

For those handwringing about the child's "wants" not being put first, we don't know if the child even wants to go? Also my kids want to go to Disneyland every weekend, that doesn't mean we go to Disneyland every weekend. What kids "want" doesn't top trump everything, whether the parents are together or separated.

ILoveAnOwl · 26/07/2022 07:07

Yanbu op. My ex and I are not on brilliant terms, but we always check with the other parent before signing kids up to clubs/lessons/camp etc as we did when we were together. Obviously, what the children wants to do comes first but there are other logistics involved and it's a basic level of respectful behaviour to check it's going to be possible before a) telling the child and b) filling up the other parent's diary.

Goldbar · 26/07/2022 07:37

It should have been discussed. Personally I think activities should happen during the week if possible to leave the weekend free for r&r, visiting family and day trips so I'd be a bit cross in your situation. On the other hand, if you only do EOW, it might be nice to see your DD grow and develop in this activity and I can see how the other parent is annoyed that they do all the running about the rest of the time and you can't even do one activity a fortnight.

Can you ask if there's a class during the week your DD can do instead and can you offer to help take DD to activities sometimes?

Mindymomo · 26/07/2022 07:40

Yes, you should have been consulted, but hopefully DD is happy going and ex has paid for all lessons. Do you know any of the other parents that you could do lift shares with. My 2 sons both played Sunday football and we had quite a few boys in the teams with separated parents. Some fathers did all the weekly ferrying around and some made it clear that they would have trouble getting child to football when it wasn’t their turn to have the child.

FilePhoto · 26/07/2022 07:47

I read the op to mean that the son now also needs to be dragged to the class as op has no alternative child care for him

Me too.

XmasElf10 · 26/07/2022 07:48

You should have been consulted.

WillitFit · 26/07/2022 07:54

Everyone is assuming this is a father who has booked. I'd bet it's a mother!

My children did lots of activities, but we never committed to anything regular at weekends because it's so tying. And tbh I'd steer clear if gymnastics because it will take over your entire life if DD gets into it properly.

That may well be a selfish attitude if DD wants to do it, but the "industry" that is gymnastics has 1000s of children in "elite" programmes that it knows full well are not elite.

Bottom line, yes you should have been consulted, but it's done now. Go with it and hope it fizzles out. Be every careful if they want her to do more sessions.

WartyWartFace · 26/07/2022 08:02

I would take DD but I would send him a written message saying that in future you won't be going along with any clubs or activities that take up your time, that he has unilaterally made a decision on.

WartyWartFace · 26/07/2022 08:03

Plus, (s)he booked it, they pay for it.

Oneborneverydecade · 26/07/2022 08:13

LilyMarshall · 25/07/2022 23:11

It's unfortunate but divorced parents can't be making plans that commit their children to activities when they don't have the child full time.

why can a divorced parent not commit to taking their child to a healthy activity the child has chosen twice a month? I take my children to activities every week. Why would i not be able to do that if i only had them half the time?

They can but it should be their choice, as it is yours.

gatehouseoffleet · 26/07/2022 08:16

Funinthemud · 25/07/2022 23:19

I will do my best to accommodate it, but it's just annoyed me as still feel I'm being controlled and was not consulted first

I can understand why you think that way but what matters is whether your dd wants to do it. If she does, and you can accommodate it, case closed.

Would you be doing something else exciting on Sunday mornings otherwise? I'd actually be quite pleased that my child was doing an activity they wanted to do each week and I didn't have to think about finding other ways to keep them entertained. Obviously if you have a family or other special event to attend you'd miss the class but that would be the case whether or not parents have separated.

Itswaytoohot · 26/07/2022 08:19

Are you the non resident parent op?

Bananarama21 · 26/07/2022 08:21

It's part and parcel of being a parent taking them to activities its not every week as you alternate but every other what's the hardship it's for the child.

Ds wasn't able to do football actives because his dad didn't want to take him on HIS time so he missed out. He relented later on and DS go to go to kick boxing which he enjoyed. Once he realise time was for the benefit of him.

Ironically he takes his own dd to ballet and gymnastics, swimming so he's realised it's part of having a child is encouraging activities.

All of my dc have had the opportunity to have extracurricular activities dd goes to swimming club twice a week DS2 did football. Its something that should be encouraged it's part of parenting you can't just have the fun parts. Kids should also have the opportunity to go to friends party's during contact time it doesn't just stop because they are with their dad.

HandbagsnGladrags · 26/07/2022 08:22

Speaking as a divorced parent, I would say that if your child wants to do this activity then you should both find a way to make it work. Maybe you can change access arrangements. The poor kid shouldn't miss out because you got divorced.

Itswaytoohot · 26/07/2022 08:22

Either way my opinion is that yabu.'

It's perfectly normal for kids to be commuted to weekly activities at the weekend. It's part of life.

I see it a lot where the non resident parent doesn't want to/can't be arsed to commit to the activity because they see the weekend as 'their' time, fun time to do as they please. Therefore the child misses out.

I've even known it where a non resident parent won't take the child to a party.

Goodskin46 · 26/07/2022 08:23

YABU 10 is a really normal age to start having regular weekend activities, part and parcel of parenting. It's only for 6 or 7 years until they can take themselves. There is loads of evidence that sport in adolescence (partially for girls) is protective for all sorts of physical and mental health later on.

As PP says what would you be doing with that time otherwise ? Family bike ride ? Or slobbing about in pj's?

Itswaytoohot · 26/07/2022 08:24

That should have said committed not commuted

diddl · 26/07/2022 08:24

Has this come totally out of the blue?

Has your daughter ever mentioned gymnastics?

If the ex can't take your daughter for some reason will you be expected to step in on their time?

It sounds infuriating!

misskatamari · 26/07/2022 08:25

Wtf am I reading on here?

of course you’re not being unreasonable!

Its not about whether you would have said yes or no, it’s about whether this should have been a joint decision. Even if you were still together, it should be. Anything that requires a commitment, every single week, basically indefinitely, impacts the whole family, and as such you discuss it and decide if it’s a thing you want to do.

How anyone thinks that is unreasonable is beyond me! I would be pissed off too. You’ve been signed up to something every Sunday you have the kids, without any say in it!

Tbf I hate weekend things like this tho. After school, no problem, short term weekend courses, great. But the thought of singing up to activities at a set time every weekend for eternity, ugh no. It feels so stifling and limiting, so I know I am biased in that regard.

yanbu though, ex should have discussed it with you

DogGoneCrazyNow · 26/07/2022 08:28

My kids want to do clubs and their dad won't allow it if it's weekends, no matter their wishes because he doesn't want to take them. It's not fair on the kids. It's an hour. Get over it. If you have a special day out planned once in while you can skip but otherwise who cares? Would be nice to be forewarned but try and keep the children priority. YABU.