Should all be 50--50 ? Is this fair ?

[financesplitting]

So I'll try to be a bit precise but also a bit vague, as to not be too outing.

My husband and I own all major assets 50-50. We've always put down the exact same amount of deposits on our house and flat / cars etc.

I used to make more money than my husband for a while, but he's overtaken me and I'm also currently on maternity leave, so my pay packet is a smaller than usual, as I don't get commission, just my base salary.

The situation is as follows- I feel like I pay for a lot of our day to day expenses- all food shopping pretty much, nappies, children's clothes, take aways usually, all cleaning stuff.

My husband tends to pay for stuff like tools and kitchen pans occasionally, that kind of stuff.

We pay our mortgage and bills completely 50-50.

We've recently had some work done at our house and he paid quite a bit for that, plus bought some large items like a TV. I also paid for some big stuff, but he paid a bit more than me.

I also pay all of my son's nursery fees since January.

Whenever I bring up that I feel like I pay more stuff than him day to day, he says he also pays for a lot of stuff.

But the fact remains that he's making double what I am making on maternity and I have basically no savings as I spent most of it on the house and I'm unable to save much now due to me paying mortgage, car, nursery fees and basically all food and cleaning. Plus cleaner and Gardner ! I forgot to mention that I pay those too.

I feel like if I bring it up, he'll just count all the extra big ticket items he bought for the house that we didn't split. Is that fair ? Maybe it is .

Is there a reason you aren’t pooling your resources? Or at least having a joint account you both pay into to cover joint costs and keep the rest to spend/save as you like?
It seems a bit like keeping score when there is a simple solution.

This is ridiculous. If you are married, there's no "50/50": everything is, or should be, shared. Why are you paying all of your joint child's nursery fees, for starters? If you were just living together, 50/50 might make sense - but if you are married, it is insane. Bear in mind that if you divorced, 50/50 would be the starting point, regardless of who has paid for what. Even if you had never paid a single penny of the mortgage, it would still be regarded as 50% your house. That's the whole point of marriage!

You’re married. You should have the same amount of “fun money”/ spare money to spend on yourselves each month. Whether you just pool all money and both take out some equal “spends” or you both put into a bills and savings pot an amount that leaves you with the same left over is up to you

Married people should generally enjoy the same standard of living as one another, both in terms of spare time and money, and especially where there are children involved (so you’re inescapably a team)

You are a family unit. One of you shouldn't be struggling while the other is ok. You are married though so legally it's all shared anyway. Why not just put everything into an account and pay bills from that....otherwise unless you're a high earner, childcare will cripple you especially if you have another.

I always think as long as you are both pulling your weight, that equal leisure time and equal personal spending money is a fair way of working things out

We pool our money in a joint account for mortgage payments and also for bills, but not for other stuff. Husband also gets anxious about anything else coming out from that account, in case it gets low and we accidentally miss a mortgage payment. I'm aware we are not doing this very well, something needs to change !

Well you went 50/50 on the baby so you should be pooling your finances now that you're not earning.

Definitely not fair that you're tearing through your savings while he's earning more!

He'll just say, but I bought the TV, the coffee table and that's why you're paying the nursery fees.

Also I always think 'stingy bastard' when I hear a man still expects his wife to pay for all of 'her share', when she is not earning (or not earning as much) because she is off work caring for his baby

Both get paid into that account and transfer out yours and DHs "fun money". Then everything would be fair. All bills/savings/joint purchases come out of the joint.

It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a proper run through of your finances. This all sounds a bit "well I spent this" "but I spent that" and no-one is actually taking any proactive measures to try to look at the overall position since the baby has arrived.

God he sounds tedious.

You're a FAMILY now. Does he not understand this?

Make a spreadsheet and list out all expenses

Create a section for household bills, ones for childcare, give a rough estimate on food etc

Go through your bank statement and add in all regular expenses. Try do this for your partner also
You can split them into what you pay and what he pays and then you'll clearly see who is paying whaT

My partner pays our rent and car finance (although the car is his but I have use of it), and then I pay everything else - all bills, phone bills, subscriptions, food, formula, nappies, clothing etc

I did the spreadsheet and showed my partner clearly what was being spent and he then understood and now transfers extra money to me to cover these costs. My bills are all also increasing due to current inflation which is another thing to consider

Set it out clearly in front of yourselves and you'll see where it's spent.

However I don't think 50/50 is fair if you are on maternity leave and also he's making more than you anyway

We’re also feeling our way with joint accounts. But we have lots of them! You def need one account that is very specifically monthly bills. I also feel stressed if an account isn’t being used for its purpose. But that’s a separate conversation..

Things need to change now because you have a child and you are facilitating him working and earning more then you unless he is going to start paying i to LU hourly gross nanny fees?

If you're in a couple with a big difference in income then really you need to pay using percentages, not 50-50 split. So for example if he's bringing in 75% of the household money, he should be paying 75% of all expenses. Much as he might complain about that it isn't fair to expect you to live in relative poverty in order to fund his own personal lifestyle, which is what the current arrangement is doing.

I would suggest to have a joint account where all bills and household payments come from; then you reach pay in whatever percentage you owe for each month.

Add up all costs
mortgste/bills/cars/food/nappies/phones/utilities/insurance/gardener/cleaner/nursery - everything
wotk out % of total income you bring in and ge brings in

so if eg it’s 3k and you take home 35% total income you pay 1050 and he pays in 1950

simple

or out all in a joint account and pay everything from joint account

Does it matter what has happened before today ?

the important bit is going forward, and it sounds like you need another joint account for all joint expenses like coffee tables and childcare.

you can pay proportional to income, but I feel it fairer as your promotion prospects are different, to have the same access to your own personal spending money.

big discussion with a spreadsheet paper and pen and a calculator needed to make it fair, going forward

It all has to be pooled otherwise no one will win this type of argument. It just creates dissension and resentment if either of you are looking for a row

Every year Dh and I have always had a "financial meeting" where we look over what we have spent and what we intend to spend in the coming year. Money has always been proportional to earnings, he earned more so he put more in the pot. Once I went on maternity leave my contribution came was topped up from our savings account which we had built together and this was discussed before I was pregnant.

I returned to work part time, my contribution lessened as I earned far less and Dh's increased salary covered a higher propotion.

When we have the financial meetings, we know what is guaranteed to go out, all the direct debits including the mortgage etc. We never spend what we don't have. Any excess money from the month before gets moved over into a savings pot but we never take it down to zero in the main account. There is always a very healthy buffer. Any additional spending comes out of that savings account. That would include furniture, holidays, one off payments.

Our setup is very similar to @KaloolaDeBue, but we use an app to maintain a running tally so we know what we're spending on incidentals too- childrens stuff, groceries, the cleaner's wages. We can get away with this because our salaries are very close. If one of us earned much more I think we would have to put a higher proportion of our salaries into the joint account (eg 60% instead of 40) and take the incidentals out of that account too so neither of us would be overstretched personally.

Yeah, this is why all our income goes into a joint account and we have an equal monthly amount for personal spends. Otherwise it just gets petty. We save an agreed amount, splitting equallyish between isa allowances. You're being penalised for looking after his children. And I presume you do more than 50% of the chores too. Does that count for nothing?

It’s becoming a daily post - couple has baby, woman’s income is reduced, husband/partner is a douche when it comes to finances.

I’m not terribly romantic - marriage to me is what you do when you want to join lives and finances and share resources.

If you aren’t pooling your money and having the same spends as each other it’s absolutely ridiculous.

50/50 is an unreasonable ideal if you aren’t earning the same.

Yeah this is our second baby. I think it's been going on since the first baby, actually even before then ! I feel like I always took care of day to day stuff more, even before. Just because I'm the one who actually does any shopping- he expects to just eat it and complains when there's not enough food in the house. That's for another post, don't get me started.

To be honest I pretty much despise him since we had children.

The only solution that isn't a huge amount of work and utterly depressing is to have a joint account. Your husband's worries about missing a mortgage payment are neither here nor there- by all means have a separate account for the mortgage but you need a joint account for joint spending as well. Then you can either just spend from there or have separate individual accounts for your discretionary spending.

If you really want to do the whole "I paid for X, you pay for Y" thing, you need to record all your spending. You also need to adjust for the fact that you're on maternity leave- I hope he doesn't think all the costs of having a baby are on you because you're the one with the womb.

Excellent approach and we do very similar here - equitable split and communication around future expenses is key. All key bills must be paid before niceties such as TVs/non-essential furniture etc. And you should be thinking carefully about your Pension contributions during this lean time.