Should all be 50--50 ? Is this fair ?

[financesplitting]

So I'll try to be a bit precise but also a bit vague, as to not be too outing.

My husband and I own all major assets 50-50. We've always put down the exact same amount of deposits on our house and flat / cars etc.

I used to make more money than my husband for a while, but he's overtaken me and I'm also currently on maternity leave, so my pay packet is a smaller than usual, as I don't get commission, just my base salary.

The situation is as follows- I feel like I pay for a lot of our day to day expenses- all food shopping pretty much, nappies, children's clothes, take aways usually, all cleaning stuff.

My husband tends to pay for stuff like tools and kitchen pans occasionally, that kind of stuff.

We pay our mortgage and bills completely 50-50.

We've recently had some work done at our house and he paid quite a bit for that, plus bought some large items like a TV. I also paid for some big stuff, but he paid a bit more than me.

I also pay all of my son's nursery fees since January.

Whenever I bring up that I feel like I pay more stuff than him day to day, he says he also pays for a lot of stuff.

But the fact remains that he's making double what I am making on maternity and I have basically no savings as I spent most of it on the house and I'm unable to save much now due to me paying mortgage, car, nursery fees and basically all food and cleaning. Plus cleaner and Gardner ! I forgot to mention that I pay those too.

I feel like if I bring it up, he'll just count all the extra big ticket items he bought for the house that we didn't split. Is that fair ? Maybe it is .

So your money all gets spent on the family while he hoards his and you have no access to it. That kind of behaviour falls under the coercive control umbrella, its a type of domestic abuse. Is he controlling in other ways as well?

Start billing him for looking after the baby or suggest shared parental leave and you will go back to work and he can take the financial hit.

He knows he has it made and has no intention of changing.

If you've talked to him and nothing changing, there isn't more you can do.
I'd be looking at leaving.

He is a tight bastard, verging on financially abusive. I wonder if he is abusive in other ways.

Well I've talked to him a few times about how I feel like I'm paying more. And even before I was making less, I was definitely paying more than him for ages. I felt guilty because I was outsourcing a lot of the stuff that felt like ' my job ' - so ironing and cleaning and takeaways ( rather than cooking ), so I happily paid. I now realise that's just so dumb.

Then since I've been making less, every time I mention that I've spend xxx on food shopping this month and the nursery fees and whatever else - he says, well I've paid for the TV and the carpet. Or he'll say, well I topped up our joint account because it was a bit low. So it just shuts me down, but I literally have no savings now because I've spent so much on having the baby, nappies, nursery etc etc. so I need to have another word.

It does feel like I spend money on our day to day lives way more. When I bring it up, I feel like he makes me sound ridiculous. But his savings are increasing, mine are not. It's like I'm trying to keep up with him by paying my share and more ( like I always did ), but I'm now left without my own money almost.

Ask him about shared parental leave because you can't afford Mar leave anymore.

I would also change the DD or just start paying for the nursery fees from the joint account and just tell him I can't afford it anymore.

I have to do that and I'm actually going to ask for the money back. And I'm also going to go through all my bank statements and ask for half of all other expenses.

Every time I read about a woman's
'DH' expecting her to pay 50/50 when on reduced mat pay I just think what an utter cunt.

I didn't realise it was a thing ! I just thought I could keep up. But seeing as we bought a house and have had so many expenses and a new baby and a toddler in nursery, my reduced salary is not cutting it anymore.

I just think he's going to deny all understanding that it's unfair and just make me feel crazy. He always does that.

I just think it's awful to not treat it as family money either when you marry OR when you have DC together.

DH and I tried the good and bad times together.

Ask him how much it would cost him to pay for a full time nanny and housekeeper to replace you. Honestly it's terrifying to calculate the gross employer costs.

No it's not bloody fair, and I have no respect for a man or woman who would see the other short while they're hoarding what is actually family money. He's a shit.

Look at it this way. He’s expecting you to financially contribute as if you are working. Is he contributing to childcare and running of the house as if he’s not working???

No one should ever be using savings for bills while the other person accumulates more savings. This is financial abuse. I would insist on a joint account for all bills and a joint account for all savings with each of you having equal fun money. If he won’t agree to that then focus on getting back to work, building your career and making an exit plan. That includes getting some legal advice now on what you need to do to get yourself in the best possible position.

The thing is, when I bring it up- I'm sure he'll just say that he'll spend it on the house anyway. So he would spend it ' for us ' anyway.

Look you may have a tiny chance if he will agree to couples therapy and you find a proper trained couples therapist who understands financial control (try Relate)...But you've got yourself In a mind set that he's allowed to choose what he spends his income on whereas you must ensure all the family costs are covered... Maybe he just hasn't realised what a duck he's being....... but maybe he's just a dick

@financesplitting I'm sorry to go on about this, but if you left him, you would get at least 50% of absolutely everything, including his salary/pension, regardless of who has paid for what. This is what marriage is about. Is he so incredibly stupid/ill informed that he doesn't realise this?

Well, turn his argument around on him - if he's going to spend it "on us" anyway, he shouldn't object to pooling all funds into a joint account to spend "on us" from, should he? And if he does object, then he'll have to explain why, which I think he would find difficult!

Excellent points of view.

The only discussion needs to be deciding what equal amount you each have for purely personal spending. Allmoney (salaries, maternity pay, premium bond wins, great aunties inheritance, child benefit,) , goes into one pot, the amounts you have decided you each have for personal use ( and purely personal use, no dipping into it for coffee tables and nappies) comes out of the pot into personal bank accounts and what is left in the pot covers everything else , mortgage, insurance, car payments, nursery fees, clothing, nappies, food, savings etc etc.

In a family you should pool your resources.

You have our money. Not his and hers.

50/50 is just madness.

If he’s concerned you will miss a mortgage payment then set up 2 joint accounts. One solely for the mortgage. Transfer enough across to that account to cover the repayment each fortnight or whatever plus leave an additional lump sum to cover 4 payments as a back up.
Counselling might be a good idea.

In case you missed it, she's on maternity leave after having THEIR child

This.

One account, both salaries paid in & all bills paid out of it.

I can understand wanting some financial independence. I wouldn’t want to have to justify how much I spend on haircuts or nails, or want him to have to explain why he bought so many records or whatever, but there needs to be more than enough in the shared pit to cover all family expenses.

I realise in a healthy relationship people don’t have to ‘justify’ their spending but some couples have different attitudes to what counts as frivolous and basic and I do like a bit of my own fun money.