Should all be 50--50 ? Is this fair ?

[financesplitting]

So I'll try to be a bit precise but also a bit vague, as to not be too outing.

My husband and I own all major assets 50-50. We've always put down the exact same amount of deposits on our house and flat / cars etc.

I used to make more money than my husband for a while, but he's overtaken me and I'm also currently on maternity leave, so my pay packet is a smaller than usual, as I don't get commission, just my base salary.

The situation is as follows- I feel like I pay for a lot of our day to day expenses- all food shopping pretty much, nappies, children's clothes, take aways usually, all cleaning stuff.

My husband tends to pay for stuff like tools and kitchen pans occasionally, that kind of stuff.

We pay our mortgage and bills completely 50-50.

We've recently had some work done at our house and he paid quite a bit for that, plus bought some large items like a TV. I also paid for some big stuff, but he paid a bit more than me.

I also pay all of my son's nursery fees since January.

Whenever I bring up that I feel like I pay more stuff than him day to day, he says he also pays for a lot of stuff.

But the fact remains that he's making double what I am making on maternity and I have basically no savings as I spent most of it on the house and I'm unable to save much now due to me paying mortgage, car, nursery fees and basically all food and cleaning. Plus cleaner and Gardner ! I forgot to mention that I pay those too.

I feel like if I bring it up, he'll just count all the extra big ticket items he bought for the house that we didn't split. Is that fair ? Maybe it is .

May I ask, when you don't manage to get stuff done or forget milk etc. does he have a go at you about it ?

No he doesn't. He'll go get it himself or say don't worry about it. He usually calls me on the way home from work to ask if we need anything.

I'm sorry you've become so used to this, it's not normal and it's not ok. It must really erode your self esteem and make you anxious.

Fair enough. Around 50 percent of the time I don't get the grumpy ' I can't ever eat in this house ' ' this is not a normal household ' responses when he can't find something or when something is missing. It's not constant. But it's enough to make me feel like shit when it happens !

He also occasionally calls on the way back from work and asks if we need anything.

But ultimately I know he thinks he shouldn't have to do any of that stuff and everything should be ready for him every day... that's how his mother did / does it.. so it's an expectation and I think he tries not to show just how disappointed he is that it's not his life. But occasionally it does show and then he just gets grumpy and says it's ' always a fight to get decent food '.

Ps ; it happens occasionally only. I usually have dinner ready for him 9 times out of 10. I make sure everything is taken care of, but he's not just happy with any old meal. He is spoilt and says I have no idea about food and not a proper food culture. He also recently said it's because my mum always did everything for me. Which did sting a bit !

He's treating you like a reportee that's on performance management. At work would he not loop to the route cause of the issue - that is you are exhausted and need support not criticism and an unrealistic job spec?

that's how his mother did / does it.. so it's an expectation

So you are compared to and are competing with his mother? Is this a race you want to win?

The best outcome here is for him to be independent and look after you sometimes - he can organise dinner or get the takeaway -

If you’re looking after the children and him - ask him ‘who’s looking after me?’

2 joint accounts, 1 for mortgage and main bills and the other for everything else, day to day, stuff for house etc and then at end of month split what's left for personal spends and savings.

We don’t put it in one account. We 5 accounts.

Joint bills - set amount every month goes into that to cover set bills (council tax, electric etc).
Joint spending - used ever month for shopping, kids expenses etc.
My account & his account - a set amount (the same) transferred into a solo account every month for personal spending.
Joint savings - a set amount plus anything left each month goes there.

Your husband sounds financially abusive from the way he gaslights you. It’s very common for abuse to start in pregnancy or shortly after so if this began when your DC1 was born it’s a big red flag.

@financesplitting

Is any of the he wants a 1950s housewife who pays like a 2020's working woman stuff sinking in at all. What he wants is completely unfair on you because he wants EVERYTHING from you.

I imagine his mother was a SAHM/Housewife? You are not.

You are going to have to have a conversation where it is clear that his 60 hours a week doesnt buy him 0% childcare 0% housework 100% control and 50% finances. Because ultimately he is right - you are not living in a normal household - you are living in one where he gets everything and you end up doing everything. That isnt normal or a partnership. What he wants shouldnt be anyones life because it puts him as the centre and you so far to the side

You're very right. I am thinking ahead.. can you help..

When I confront him about all this, he will probably say that he sees his savings as joint money and doesn't understand why I'm making a big deal out of it..

What do I respond to that ?

When I confront him about all this, he will probably say that he sees his savings as joint money and doesn't understand why I'm making a big deal out of it..

What do I respond to that ?

”Then we should put them in joint names, or save the next Xxxx (however much there is) in my name for safety of access if anything happens to one of us and to make me feel more secure.”

Savings in one name won’t be instantly accessible for the other if one of you dies. Joint savings will.

This is not normal, please understand this.

You are an adult, he is an adult, you are both equal partners in a relationship. He is not your father, or your boss or some other kind of authority figure.

He is treating you like his manager, but if you were working for him would you still be there putting up with this or would you have another job by now?

More to the point he is the equivalent of your colleague, if one of your colleagues was having a go at you for things they were perfectly capable of doing themselves, and should do, but had arbitrarily decided were your job, would you still be working with them or would you have got another job by now?

If he says savings are joint and he paid for the TV and carpet out of savings, then you did pay half for them didn't you? So he can stop holding that over your head for starters

He sounds horrible, just generally.

But anyway, I’m almost certain that he can’t have bought enough TVs, carpets, pots and pans to equal the nursery fees alone! If you sit down with bank statements and go through everything you’ve paid and everything he’s paid he’s definitely going to end up owing you money. Especially as you are paying for nappies, food, cleaner etc on top of nursery fees. So call his bluff. Next time he says “but I paid for a new TV!”, whip out the bank statements and compare what the two of you actually pay for and make him pay you the difference! Then set up a way of making it equal from now on.

That way you can hopefully start saving so you have some money for when you’re ready to leave him! x

But @financesplitting you are focusing on the wrong part - what you really do need to get across to him is that at the moment he wishes to work and put forward 50% of money whilst expecting you to do everything else.

That is what you need to make a big deal about. The fact that he is asking for you to become a housewife/SAHM whilst at the same time putting 50% of the pot in. That isnt normal or fair on you

Lets take the fact that you pay to iron his shirts?

If they are joint savings - you need to have access to them and see what is there.

Are you prepared to end the relationship though if he doesnt agree to a fairer split of chores and money

And if he’s paying out of savings for his share then you are paying twice as legally half of those savings are yours anyway!

But if savings are joint he will have no problem adding your name to the account and giving you access to them so that you can buy things out of them too 🙃

He's just going to say I'm making a big deal out of everything and being dramatic / nagging

He will say there's absolutely no way he can do any more than I do in terms of chores, because of his hours.

And then he will say I'm making such a big deal out of one meal a day for him, after he's had a long day. And from now on I shouldn't bother. But he'll get all passive aggressive etc if it's not done to satisfaction etc. and the thing will go around again. He will try his best to hold his tongue for a while, but then undoubtably he will make his dissatisfaction clear eventually and say hurtful things. That's how it goes.

I didn't mean more chores than me, I meant more chores than now.

I couldn’t live like that! We are married, it doesn’t matter who pays for what, it doesn’t matter whose name the assets are in, they are joint assets, joint expenses.

DH and I currently have separate bank accounts, purely as we never got around to combining. But we consider out money joint and transfer between accounts as and when required with no explanation required.

Well of course he is going to say that. Because the status quo is absolutely benefitting him currently.

He works for 60 hours and then does nothing. No housework, no cooking, no ironing no childcare.

Assuming you sleep 8 hours a night (highly unlikely with a baby) you do 112 hours housework, cooking, organising and childcare.

You do basically double what he does, pay 50% or more for the privilege, don't have access to money and get yelled at if you don't live up to his exacting (highly unfair) standards.

Of course he is going to say you are nagging and he can't do anything extra. Because he is a misogynistic abusive arse who is happy to buy his leisure with your overwork.

He's being a bastard and you are trying to change it. He's not going to let you do that easily.

You know what you need to ask him, not whether he can do some hoovering or cook the occasional meal or buy a baby grow

He wants a stay at home wife to support his 'big career'

You are a woman with her own career path

He needs to work out whether fundamentally he is in the right relationship for him, and whether this is a deal breaker (and quite frankly he should have worked that out before having 2 children with you)

You need to work out whether fundamentally you are in the right relationship for you and whether his behaviour is a dealbreaker (it should be)

Take all of the emotion out of it, all of the who does the cooking, who paid for what, who earns most.

Can he cope with a wife with a career. Can you cope with a man who wants a housewife who pays her own way.

If both of you decide that you want to stay in the relationship then you have conversations about resetting what that looks like.

But if one or both you can't cope with the above then splitting up is unfortunately the only option.

And (I cannot emphasise this enough) don't ever ever ever be manoeuvred into a position where you give up work to look after this specific man. I promise you that will destroy your entire life.

Can’t understand people who decide to make a life together and get married yet make money an issue. Why should he have more money left over each month than you do? He’s treating you like a child - you have your own money but a list of things it must be spent on.

nursery fees aren’t for you alone to pay - or the cleaner and gardener.

id be sitting him down and pointing out it’s not all about him and what he wants - because it’s working to his advantage. He’s selfish and unless you point that out he won’t see why he has to change.

get him into the modern world.

Then your relationship cannot be saved

My god, he's a shit. Me and DH have always pooled all our money. All expenses paid out of that and any leftover is shared for fun/savings etc.

Just started my third mat leave and like you we are decent earners and DH is pushing me to keep the toddler in nursery full time and use before and after school club for the eldest to make my life easier 🤣 we have agreed on a half way house of reduced hours for both as I want to spend more time with them now that I'm off. He is also insistent we keep the cleaner as well. Just because others can't do these things doesn't mean you should be judged for doing so. I've got no health issues either, just a DH who doesn't want me run ragged!

I think you've picked up an unhealthy attitude to shared life/finances from your parents (absolutely not your fault!) but you need to take a step back and review it. You're meant to be a partnership not two separate entities living in the same house.