Should all be 50--50 ? Is this fair ?

[financesplitting]

So I'll try to be a bit precise but also a bit vague, as to not be too outing.

My husband and I own all major assets 50-50. We've always put down the exact same amount of deposits on our house and flat / cars etc.

I used to make more money than my husband for a while, but he's overtaken me and I'm also currently on maternity leave, so my pay packet is a smaller than usual, as I don't get commission, just my base salary.

The situation is as follows- I feel like I pay for a lot of our day to day expenses- all food shopping pretty much, nappies, children's clothes, take aways usually, all cleaning stuff.

My husband tends to pay for stuff like tools and kitchen pans occasionally, that kind of stuff.

We pay our mortgage and bills completely 50-50.

We've recently had some work done at our house and he paid quite a bit for that, plus bought some large items like a TV. I also paid for some big stuff, but he paid a bit more than me.

I also pay all of my son's nursery fees since January.

Whenever I bring up that I feel like I pay more stuff than him day to day, he says he also pays for a lot of stuff.

But the fact remains that he's making double what I am making on maternity and I have basically no savings as I spent most of it on the house and I'm unable to save much now due to me paying mortgage, car, nursery fees and basically all food and cleaning. Plus cleaner and Gardner ! I forgot to mention that I pay those too.

I feel like if I bring it up, he'll just count all the extra big ticket items he bought for the house that we didn't split. Is that fair ? Maybe it is .

Don't think he's ever bought nappies or wet wipes or formula ! It all comes out of my pocket. So you may be right !

He also told me it was a waste of fucking money when I tried and failed at breastfeeding and bought a breast pump I now no longer use. MY money may I add !

Presume you were happy with 50-50 when you were earning more. You’re not now that you’re not.

either pool it or pay in proportion, but I get if he feels you had the benefit when it suited you and now don’t like it

Of course not.
You pay into a joint pot by direct debit proportionate wise to your income, eg by %. So if his income is four times yours, he puts four times more in. That pot is for every joint expense including childcare.
Why do you get lumbered with all the child related bills I wonder?
You're being had.

I always paid more anyway

Sorry to be clear I meant @KaloolaDeBue and @MollyRover approaches....

He sounds an absolute prince. It will all be split 50-50 if you divorce him, you know.

How is food not a "bill"??
Surely at a minimum joint household costs (mortgage, utility bills, food, childcare & all child related costs) should be coming out of a joint account, however that joint account is funded.

Once there's a baby, it's ridiculous to go 50-50. You've taken maternity leave to care for HIS baby, and as a result your pay is reduced for a year, which affects your ability to save money. For the rest of your life, your career will be one year behind where it would have been without the baby. If you go part time, it will affect yout pension and long-term career progression even further. If you go back full-time, someone will need to take time off when DC is ill, possibly incurring loss of earnings. If that person is you, thrn that's further impact. In the long term, someone's working hours will need to be fitted around school/childcare run and also all the school holidays. Unless your DH is volunteering to take fully shared parental leave, and then do the exact same part-time hours, take the same days off to look after DC when they are ill/childminder is ill/school has an inset day, then he has no place trying to continue with the 50-50 arrangement.

What???? "When it suited you..."??? She's not had a baby all by herself, this was a choice made by 2 people. You make OP sound like she is trying to take advantage of her DH, when in reality OP is on maternity leave losing earnings, while working really hard unpaid to take care of a baby that is as much her husbands as it is hers.

Sounds like you need to increase the funds to the joint account. Go through the bank statements for a couple of months and swirl out what you are spending on ALL the family costs, then increase your contributions so there is enough to cover them with £100 or so extra.
While you are on maternity he will have to put more in to cover it, but that’s how marriages ebb and flow. Your maternity leave is also a joint expense, don’t forget. It’s time for you to give birth and get baby settled. You’re not just having a jolly. It’s just a different type of work that benefits the whole family.

I don't get it if you are on maternity leave why are you already paying nursery fees?

I'm on maternity for the second child ! I have a small baby and a toddler. ( the toddler is at nursery )

Is that a thing? Isnt the whole point that if you aren't at work you have the kids at home? I can see why your DH might think it's a bit mad to pay nursery when you aren't at work.

I think a lot of people keep the older one in nursery, it's good for them !

So no, he is completely on board. We don't have many people we know around where we live, so my toddler would have very little interaction with similar aged kids if it was not for nursery. Play groups with a toddler and a newborn are also challenging.

I'm also not very well health wise, so I have my limitations with how much I can do with my toddler physically day to day.

Nursery works for us and is required. My husband and all extended family agree with this for our child.

MY money may I add!

Only it's not. It is your joint money. You are married. If neither of you can get your minds round this now, you are storing up some quite big problems for later.

Why did you actually get married? Marriage isn't a silly romantic thing. It's a legal transaction, and is very, very important for the person who loses their income as a result of having children. You both have to get your minds round this because you're hurtling down a road to resentment as it is.

So much of this financial stress could be avoided completely by just putting all money together into a joint account from which money is withdrawn to pay for your living and other expenses. All assets are joint in a marriage - why divide up like this - replace mine/yours with 'ours'.

Surely the childcare costs can go if you're on maternity? I don't understand why you're paying it if you're off..

This is what I wanted to do when we got married, but he didn't want to!!

For my first !!!

Yeah I was well aware it'll be for your first but either pay it (joint of course) and not complain or take DC1 out or reduce days, then they still have time there but you have more money - save the money and let them spend time being involved with baby 🙄

It’s easy to agree to things you don’t pay for.

Until I went on Mat leave DH and I earned near identical salaries and split everything 50/50.

Once mat pay started money was pooled, everything paid and then the rest was split equally so there was never any question I couldn’t afford a coffee/haircut etc.

This arrangement has continued for 9 years and works perfectly. He has never ONCE asked me where our money goes, what I’ve done all day, questioned how much I’ve spent etc. Not ONCE.

He is entirely unremarkable in my friendship group.

Your husband sounds like an arse and I wouldn’t stay with a man like him.

So why did he want to get married? Did he not understand what marriage meant?

We have enough money to pay it to be honest and he's really settled the way it is. So I don't see why we should change that. I think it needs to be paid 50-50 at the least though.

This is what I wanted to do when we got married, but he didn't want to!!

Honestly - every woman should teach their daughter to have some good solid boundaries around this shit.

No pooling of money? No marriage. Simple. it tells you all you need to know about his character that doesn’t want to.

Obviously that’s too late so you need to decide what to do now - will you put up with it? Or will you deliver an ultimatum that you’re willing to follow through on?

Whilst your3 on maternity, percentages must change and why is not paying 50/50 for your child’s needs?