Should all be 50--50 ? Is this fair ?

[financesplitting]

So I'll try to be a bit precise but also a bit vague, as to not be too outing.

My husband and I own all major assets 50-50. We've always put down the exact same amount of deposits on our house and flat / cars etc.

I used to make more money than my husband for a while, but he's overtaken me and I'm also currently on maternity leave, so my pay packet is a smaller than usual, as I don't get commission, just my base salary.

The situation is as follows- I feel like I pay for a lot of our day to day expenses- all food shopping pretty much, nappies, children's clothes, take aways usually, all cleaning stuff.

My husband tends to pay for stuff like tools and kitchen pans occasionally, that kind of stuff.

We pay our mortgage and bills completely 50-50.

We've recently had some work done at our house and he paid quite a bit for that, plus bought some large items like a TV. I also paid for some big stuff, but he paid a bit more than me.

I also pay all of my son's nursery fees since January.

Whenever I bring up that I feel like I pay more stuff than him day to day, he says he also pays for a lot of stuff.

But the fact remains that he's making double what I am making on maternity and I have basically no savings as I spent most of it on the house and I'm unable to save much now due to me paying mortgage, car, nursery fees and basically all food and cleaning. Plus cleaner and Gardner ! I forgot to mention that I pay those too.

I feel like if I bring it up, he'll just count all the extra big ticket items he bought for the house that we didn't split. Is that fair ? Maybe it is .

Just lay it all out on a spreadsheet, if it's too hard to do it for the past, start now and then it's obvious how much you're both spending and hopefully ye can make it fairer - good luck

What you need is hard facts and figures

All in a spread sheet

All costs, TV V ongoing nursery costs doesn’t cut it!

List every thing his in green yours in purple and see how that stacks up -

I would ask him to look at everything in detail and come to an arrangement

Bills account, including car tax, train fares, , savings account, holiday fund, Christmas, children’s expenses, one offs, like repairs,

Then see what’s left over.

Re negotiate when things change, nursery fees will stop, your pay will increase etc.

If you divorce him you will get half of his precious savings and he will have to pay maintainence so you will probably be better off and he won't have a free live in skivvy any more.

So does everyone pool have their e tire salary into one account when they get married ?

I suggested to have a joint savings account, but he always ignored me when I said that.

My parents have had disgusting finance arrangements ( where my dad never gave my mum money - told her everything is his, that she's useless and that he'll throw her out on the street with nothing in case of a divorce )- so I haven't had a great example of 1) a healthy relationship 2) how to manage finances ! !

It's not something you ask friends about either.

My mum was absolutely disgusted at my husband when I told her I pay the nursery fees etc.

I thought it wasn't intentional on his part to act like this with money, but im beginning to think it could be.

I thought he was just a bit disorganised ( as am I ) and that he doesn't understand how much it costs to keep a family going the way I do for us. He seems dismissive / like he doesn't believe me when I point it out !

It's what we done - about 4 months before we got married we opened a joint account and both salaries were paid in. We were paying for our own wedding so this seemed like the sensible option.

I mainly manage our bank account, any big purchases are discussed but it's me that pays the bills/buying for the house/kids etc.

Our money is seen as family money and hubby mostly doesn't comment on what it's being spent on.

(Until I changed to an online bank which pings both account holders each time a transaction is made - but that's mostly helped me stopped the late night useless purchases).

Upon reading this thread it seems this way to be the exception as opposed to the rule which is a little baffling to me.

So does everyone pool have their entire salary into one account when they get married ?

We don't do that (not sure why really). Dh has been the main earner for years (since our now teen dc were born). During those years he paid a large proportion of his pay automatically into the joint account every month and I sporadically paid in when I could. All bills and family expenses come out of the joint account though, and it's always been understood that I could use money from the joint account for anything I needed for myself, regardless of how much or little I was putting into the account at the time.

We're about to be back on equal footing salary-wise for the first time in 17 years, so I'll be paying the same proportion of my salary in every month as dh does.

I'm not minimising the obvious (and, as you say, probably deliberate) injustice of your financial situation, but it sounds as though you have more problems in your relationship than just money. Would you not be better off without him?

Funny how he is adamant on 50/50 when it benefits him (house, cars) but not when he either thinks it should be your job (cleaning, ironing, cooking, childcare) or doesn't benefit him (baby stuff, nursery fees)

It's like he wants to be a 1950's husband, who doesn't have to think about cooking, cleaning or childcare but with the benefit of being a 2020's husband with a wife who still pays 50% for everything.

Tell him he can't have it both ways.

My personal preference for finances has always been that everything goes into a central pot and then my DH and I put the same amount away in savings and have the same amount to spend each month. It benefitted me when he earnt more, it benefits him now when I earn more.

However, if your DH prefers 50/50 (which quite frankly is disgusting on maternity leave) then he needs to do half of the housework, half of the cleaning, half of the ironing (so if they get outsourced he pays half of the cost).

He needs to pay half of the nursery fees, half of the baby costs and half of the food bill, and he needs to do half of the food shopping.

And ideally (although it might be too late) he does half of the parental leave as well so that you can go back to work sooner and build up your earning power again.

Because the reason he out-earns you now is not because he has worked harder, or because he is batter at his job, its because you have had to take time out from your career twice and he has let you take that impact for the sake of the family unit and he is now punishing you for it.

If you weren't paying for the childcare, the baby stuff, the food etc you probably would have been able to pay for the TV and the carpet and then he wouldn't be able to keep holding them over your head.

So if he wants 50/50 he actually does 50/50. Not sits around on his arse letting you work yourself to the bone and into debt. Because profiting off your greater workload is abusive. And you have to be a pretty shitty father to not pay for your kids and a pretty shitty husband to watch your wife get into debt whilst you hoard your money.

We don't pool all our resources but neither do we contribute to household finances 50:50. As the lower earner, I transfer less each month into the joint. My husband recognises that my work is valuable but less well paid. All household bills come out of there, including nursery fees.

What we realised after having a child is that more 'stuff' comes out of the joint household account (anything child related), so we just increased our monthly contributions accordingly.

Having separate (ish) finances can work when neither partner is a dick about it. I'm afriad your husband is a dick. You don't have a finance problem - you have a DH problem.

Why would you still pay 50 50 when you're now earning less in order to look after the child you had together ?

Immediately reduce your mortgage contributions proportionally. Same for all other bills. Let him know he'll need to increase his by the same amount.

If he can't afford extras like tvs for a few months that's OK.

Meanwhile arrange a system where you both put % of your salary in your joint account for all shared expenses. If there's enough for extra things like tvs he can buy them from the joint account.
Keep the remaining % for treats or a rainy day. The percentage is a proportion of your salary depending on how much less you now earn.

Stop being responsible for the food and other dull things. Does this mean you also have to buy them all?

Tell us more about him. Is he kind, generous and loving?

Yes. We pooled all money when we married. I earned more initially, but have been a SAHM for years now, with full access to all accounts. My spending isn't questioned, though I tend to spend more by nature of being on family admin. We discuss major expenses and financial lifestyle decisions.

We wouldn't outsource nursery/gardening/ironing etc while having a parent at home. I was keen to work, so DH is reducing hours to enable me to start again. We have two pre-school children to look after as well as school age.

At least your married, so assets are equal. But your DH is not looking after his family with this set up. Some men are so selfish!

I'm not minimising the obvious (and, as you say, probably deliberate) injustice of your financial situation, but it sounds as though you have more problems in your relationship than just money. Would you not be better off without him?

I'm feeling pretty resentful now to be honest. I hadn't really realised just how messed up it all was, until my mum pointed it out and I made this thread. I've also been away for a while from him now, to get a break and some perspective and I just can't work out what he brings to my life - other than demands.

He's never happy with what I do at home anyway ! Complains about the food I make him or when I order take aways or get ready meals because I am so tired - he complains about that. He complains about everything really. Nothing I do is good enough in the house. When I point it out, he says it's in my head and he doesn't complain a lot at all. He cannot sort his clothes out to save his life. I refuse to do it for him and then he gets angry when he can't find stuff because he's chucked it all over the place.

I go back and forth in my mind about it all and I just can't work out if I am being a bitch and expecting too much.

Of course I've posted about him/ these things before..

I have tried posting it in a different way too. So describing his working day and hours and asking if more could be expected from him and I got a lot of responses saying that I cannot expect any more from him in terms of ' sharing the load '. That's also why we outsource a lot of things ( which I pay for ).

He has a very time consuming job, so I do pick up more domestic stuff and I outsource because I'm so tired all the time. But say there is no milk or bread or butter or something like that, I get a rant about how we don't live like normal people and how we don't have a real house or household.... I can't work out if I'm just so shit at running a house and just can't handle the demands of a family and husband or if it's really just him. Like I said, I've posted about various issues in various different ways and have sometimes been told I'm unreasonable because I don't provide food for him when he's out at work all day, seeing as I'm at home - why wouldn't I want to help him out ?

I do provide food for him, 9 days out of 10. But sometimes I just don't manage or a takeaway is late and he goes on a rant about how we don't have a normal house and how it's always a battle for him to eat.....

We have a baby, 3 months and a very active toddler. I'm very tired of everything and everyone !

So he wants you to pay for at least 50/50 whilst picking up all the childcare and the domestic chores and complains that you dont do

Are you actually separated and working out what he brings - because the answer is nothing!

He sounds borderline abusive and you sound ground-down and depressed.

He says so many unforgivable things to be honest that hurt me deeply. He's not shouty or anything like that, just mean / thoughtless / condescending sometimes.

I am so tired

I just dont understand this whole separate bank accounts and splitting bills. My mate and sister do this.

I have always earned significantly more than my wife and we had the odd little disagreement in the first year or so of dating when we were learning the boundaries as I had owned a house for a few years while she hadn't been and I was a bit more focussed on priorities with bills and mortgage overpayments.

My wife can spend what she wants, the only thing I want out of our finances is some money that goes in to things like overpayments, savings, et cetera. I'm fortunate my wife and I are on similar wave lengths with money.

So if you split who would get the TV and coffee table ?

He would pack those up and youd have nothing to show for your nursery fees.

He is playing the i have a big important life and you need to facilitate it card, whilst also paying your fair share financially too.
Its a common trap but its bullshit.
You need a serious chat

Have you considered leaving?

DH and I earn roughly equal amounts of money. We both have salary paid into personal accounts. Then we both transfer an equal amount £x payment into joint account. All bills mortgage, insurances, utilities, food, cleaner, fuel for car, takeaways, joint gifts and any other household spending comes out of joint account. We also have joint saving account we transfer money from joint everyday account into joint savings of it is looking flush, goes towards holidays. We both keep money in our personal accounts and pay for mobile contracts, haircuts, dentist, gifts for each other and if eg I want to treat my sister for lunch that comes out of my personal account or DH goes to pub with friends that comes out of his personal account. We both pay an extra amount into joint to cover Xmas. It works because we earn roughly equal. We know it would not work if one earned a lot more than other.

Would you be less tired if you could eat what you wanted when you wanted, have a take away if you were tired, not have to worry constantly what he was going to pick at next and not feel responsible for picking up all his shit?

I outsource a lot of stuff but I pay for it too.

Nursery
Cleaner once a week
Ironing of his shirts
Some takeaways / ready melas

The rest I do- so looking after baby ( day and night alone ) and keeping household running.

I can tell by some posts I'm being judged for being at home ( on a very well paid maternity leave ) and outsourcing these things. I am doing my very best, if you can all manage to stay home with an active toddler and tiny baby every day, on no sleep, do all ironing cleaning on your own and all cooking - great for you. It's too much for me. I am falling apart with all I have on my plate and doing my very best. I don't have energy to take both my children out every day. I have health limitations and it would be cruel to leave the toddler at home every day. They need to go out and about and nursery provides some of that for them.

I'm also alone all weekend and try to manage an outing with both my children and when I get home, I'm absolutely shattered.

I'm also still up in the night for baby of course- never had one nights break since the birth. ( that's fine, I don't expect my husband to get up). But just saying how my life is.

We are both good earners, so it's not killing us ( well it is killing me now ! ) to pay for this stuff. But I'm going to make him repay me for the last 4 months at least.

We used to go 50/50 on everything even though I earned more, this was when we lived in a flat I owned, DH earned a decent salary and want skint but he also fritters money. I would pay extra things and I saved a lot, which eventually mainly went towards buying a house together and renovating it. Once we got married and ds was planned) on his way we both get paid into the joint account, I did a spreadsheet to cover all outgoings, estimate for food, nursery bills, spending for DS, savings for us long term which we don't touch and separately form household expenses like new garden furniture or if the boiler breaks, whatever is left gets split in two so we have the exact same spending or fun money, we're married and a family now. I still earn more than DH but marginally and sometimes his overtime means he earns more than me. We still get exactly the same each.
Do a spreadsheet to show all outgoings, with an amount point aside for household items like you've said he bought, so going forward this isn't just to benefit you but so he realises he won't be paying for things himself either. It's just reframing it as family money.

Dh and I have never had a joint account. But we have always had an 'ours' attitude to money. Our house, our dc, our pension pot, our savings, our expenditures, our assets and our debts. It doesn't matter whose account it is in. We have exactly the same amount of money, because we are married. After all, if the relationship ended, that's how the court would view it.

But in your case, it's all about this: To be honest I pretty much despise him since we had children.

You despise this man. Your mother feels the same.

He is buying his freedom to continue his life unimpacted by children with your exhaustion.

There is literally zero reason why a father with two children has never done a night waking.

There is literally zero reason why a father with two children never irons his own shorts (and expects you to pay for them to be ironed out of your own money if you don't do them yourself)

You have fallen into the trap of thinking you need to change your life because of having children and he doesn't. Does he have to work so many hours, it sounds like financially he doesn't, which means he is choosing work over his own families interests and using your exhaustion and money to fund this.

If you split up he is unlikely to do any of the shared care by the sounds of it. So you might not get more time away from childcare. But at least you wont be ironing his shirts, cleaning his mess (or paying for these) and treading on eggshells that the food you have cooked will meet his standards every night.

Are you the poster who’s husband blew up because a takeaway was late??

You pay to outsource the ironing of HIS shirts.

I think its more that posters are questioning why on earth YOU need to pay to outsource these things rather than he take any responsibility