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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
Softplayhooray · 25/07/2022 07:22

Impressed at the last part where you told him to leave. He's useless and dragging you and your daughter down massively. You definitely did the right thing.

StopStartStop · 25/07/2022 07:25

a) Stop trying to put the baby down. She's five weeks and knows that her survival depends on being in your arms. Of course she kicks off when you put her down - that's what she's supposed to do.

b) Have cold drinks. For six months in a lifetime, what does it matter? A lot of things that people think matter really don't.

c) Tell him again 'Shape up or ship out' and mean it. This is too big a job to do while you're carrying the weight of another adult and suffering emotionally because of his behaviour.

Good luck. It's a hellish time. It will get better.

Fluffycloudland77 · 25/07/2022 07:30

Your a single parent anyway with him so I’d leave. He’s had 20 years of adulthood and doesn’t want to look after his own kid because it stops him doing as he pleases.

Terrible way to treat you both.

Fairislefandango · 25/07/2022 07:31

He's not just useless, he's a vile, selfish arsehole. You and your child would be better off without him. He's showing every sign that he will be an awful father. He's already an awful partner.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 25/07/2022 07:32

I admire your strength in looking after your baby who isn't having the easiest start.

I think you are amazing for telling this absolute prick to leave. He is no father, and a useless husband. I can't believe that he thinks not hitting you or cheating on you makes him a catch! My god, his standards are so low, and I'm so glad yours aren't.

You and baby are better off without him.

You are doing really well. Stop apologising for bottle feeding, it's fine, be kinder to yourself. Make sure you eat and drink. You need to stay well and keep your energy up.

Prettypennies · 25/07/2022 07:33

Can I just say that you sound like a wonderful mum ❤️

Postypost · 25/07/2022 07:33

I agree with what everyone else is saying re your husband. Get rid, he is a prick.

Colic and reflux (if it is that) is just the worse, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and the docs can be absolutely useless. My baby had both terribly and for the first 11 weeks, if he was awake, he was screaming in pain. Here are some things that seemed to ease him slightly:


  • hipp organic milk

  • keeping him as upright as possible (this didn’t seem to always work so if it didn’t, I would lay him on his side and stroke his back until he fell asleep)

  • if he was sleeping whilst I was awake, I used to lie him on my chest

  • used the bouncy ball lots and held in different positions - it was usually about finding the right one to stop him screaming his little head off

  • put one end of his crib higher than the other (tbh this didn’t help and he was actually much better bedsharing)

  • lots of massage on his tummy and cycling legs etc

  • lots of tummy time to try and strengthen his muscles asap which did help his reflux


And he ended up on a few different reflux medications which were a big help too. Hes now a happy 8 month old so it does get better, but it is so tough.

Ultimately, a happy mum is a happy baby so anything that you can do to help yourself will help your little one too x

Katela18 · 25/07/2022 07:35

Hi OP.

I have an 8 week old also very colicky, have you tried a comfort milk? I have just switched and seen some great improvements. You can also buy lactose free formula so may be worth considering. However it does sound like your gp has been less than useful. It could also be silent reflux so it's worth going back and pushing it. Maybe ask to see someone different, our gp has all the Dr's listed on the website and their specialism, might be worth checking if you have one with a specialism in paeds or even womens health as they might know more.

To the point of the post. Your husband is a knob and its inexcusable, aside from the pure laziness he is guilt tripping you when you ask for help (you shouldn't need to ask!). Even small things I notice from your post such as the fact he made himself breakfast but clearly not you?

At this point I'd be saying he either gets his arse in gear with immediate effect or he goes because he is bringing nothing to the table physically or emotionally

TolkiensFallow · 25/07/2022 07:37

You poor thing.

Single parenthood sounds preferable.

Ask your health visitor for advice.

I had a very very similar sounding baby to you and the sling was an absolute game changer. I would recommend buying one of ones that’s like a long length of fabric that you wrap around yourself.

Doisaysomethingornot · 25/07/2022 07:40

He's a prick, however I would also question if he is struggling with the baby. The baby is a big change for both parents and males can also struggle with pnd.

Was he always this lazy re spending time in bed etc or just since the baby came along. You may want to consider therapy for your husband.

Failing that let him leave if it's better for you, it'll be tough but it sounds like your single parenting it anyway.

Also as a side note re the colic- every brand of formula is different. My little lo struggled on sma but was much better on aptimal colic formula.

You can also get colic drops which may help.
I found gripe water a wonder as well.

Drs tend to just say it will get better, push for help even with the HV as it could be more than colic.

GoldenSpiral · 25/07/2022 07:40

I'm really frustrated for you.

JacquelinePot · 25/07/2022 07:42

What a lazy, selfish, useless, nasty, gaslighting prick. You and your daughter deserve better.

Herejustforthisone · 25/07/2022 07:44

I can’t believe that piece of shit works with kids.

Leave.

Overwhelmedandoverworked · 25/07/2022 07:45

I know from experience this doesn’t get better, as posted earlier my now exh got worse and worse.
It actually got to the point where he grabbed me and shook me whilst I was holding our 12 week old daughter.
He wouldn’t get out of bed and never did a night feed - I hated seeing him asleep so much when I was up all night I asked him to sleep in the spare room, the minute he was out of sight I felt much better.
despite him getting physical with me the thing I will never forget was me begging him to hold the baby whilst I had a shower - she cried whenever she wasn’t held and I couldn’t function when she was crying and certainly couldn’t have a shower. I hadn’t washed for a week and I remember so distinctly getting in the shower and the minute the water hit me I heard her crying. I got back out the shower to see what was going on and he had just plonked her in a pram and was ignoring her. I fucking hated him in that moment like I have never hated anyone.
That baby is now 8. He absolutely adores her and is actually a good dad now. I divorced him when she was 5 in the end. I am really really happy with my dp who is actually a grown up and exh has gone from gf to gf wishing he hadn’t thrown it all away.

LookItsMeAgain · 25/07/2022 07:45

I've read your posts @Becca95 and I still can't get past this particular sentence in your opening one:
His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.
So in his eyes, there are two types of blokes you could be with - an ineffective condescending prick like him, or one that would beat the crap out of you and cheat on you.
Lovely.

There are many many men who would love to be with you and your DD so my advice is this - kick him out, get the necessary help you need to get your DD through the colic (though to me it sounds like silent reflux as she doesn't like lying flat on her back very much) and then go after him for child support. Get legal advice and show him that you're not to be messed with.

I wish you all the success in the world and hope you can get to enjoy your DD.

Overwhelmedandoverworked · 25/07/2022 07:46

Oh and I also got the at least I don’t cheat on you line, couldn’t give me the ‘hit you’ one because he had

Nerdymummy · 25/07/2022 07:46

That’s awful. He should be giving you hell no question. He is a parent to and it’s not all down to you. He is being a crap dad and crap partner.
Colic is exhausting even with help. Have you tried colief. My daughter struggled and health visitor suggested it. It was a game changer for us and worked much better than infacol for us.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 25/07/2022 07:48

This guy has tried to teach you to not ask for help at any point the baby is your role and if you leave him with her he will let her suffer.

This is emotional abuse. You could do worse because doesn't he hits you. Abuse gets worse when you have had a baby.

Run. I mean it your life would be easier without him in it. I really promise you.

Your husband isn't relaxed, he's controlling. Run please dear god run. I know your sleep deprived and probably thinking oh it's not that bad but I promise as baby gets older he will get worse. Please please run.

scarletisjustred · 25/07/2022 07:49

I'm not sure about a previous poster's idea about training him like a puppy. On reflection though the puppy analogy may be appropriate in terms of getting him neutered. In dog terms, he has been an unsuccessful genetic experiment and will not contribute to the future of the breed. It may be easier to divorce him though rather than getting him to the vet.

Anonymouslyposting · 25/07/2022 07:49

He’s a prick. Any man that doesn’t want to help you or his newborn is a waste of space and energy.

As it’s only been five weeks I’d give him an ultimatum with specific things he needs to be doing to help by a date (a close date), if he doesn’t step up leave him.

Brefugee · 25/07/2022 07:50

He is shit and should leave, But you can put your baby down for a few minutes to eat, clan your teeth or whatever.
It is hard when it's your first - but you really can do it. Especially if you end up parenting (even more) alone (than you do now), you will need to do that. A frazzled, starving, hungry, thirsty mother is no good for your baby.

Good luck.

Harridan1981 · 25/07/2022 07:51

He's an arsehole. Ditch him, get a decent sling. Life will improve.

Goldbar · 25/07/2022 07:52

scarletisjustred · 25/07/2022 07:49

I'm not sure about a previous poster's idea about training him like a puppy. On reflection though the puppy analogy may be appropriate in terms of getting him neutered. In dog terms, he has been an unsuccessful genetic experiment and will not contribute to the future of the breed. It may be easier to divorce him though rather than getting him to the vet.

Indeed. He's not a puppy and he's not your child. He's a grown adult and shouldn't need you to teach him how to behave decently. Instead, he's happy to leave your tiny baby screaming.

How easy is it to kick him out, OP? What's your housing situation?

tootiredtoocare · 25/07/2022 07:54

Honestly, stretching out flat could be really good for her colic. Put her flat on the floor and lie next to her with your hand on her tummy so she can feel you. Also, I used to put colic drops straight into the bottle - it's not recommended, but I felt like it worked better. I used Woodwards Gripe Water. It's really hard but you might have to let her cry it out, too, start with leaving her (safely) for even just 30 seconds to a minute, talking to her all the time, then when she calms down within the minute, make it a bit longer. You can do without dad partner - kick him into touch. He's making you more anxious and your coping mechanisms have gone out of the window because of that. Your health visitor is there to help - use them.

Postypost · 25/07/2022 07:56

The other thing I forgot to mention which helped massively was probiotics for the baby! We used the optibac ones