Am I asking too much? ...new parents

[Becca95]

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

You don't have to TRAIN him OP!! FFS let's resist the bar just a little.
He's a 40 year old primary school teacher (worryingly).
He's a prick. Get rid. He's not interested in the baby, that would be a hard line from me.
DH had six weeks pat leave, and was gutted when he had to go back. Ours was also a velcro baby. I've he went back to work he'd make me a packed lunch and a coffee in a contigo travel mug (stay got for hours), before he went. No he didn't need to, yes I would've managed, but he wanted to make my life a little easier. He was also desperate to spend time with DS when he wasn't at work, Saturday mornings became my me time, he'd take him for a walk to the park/beach/aquarium from a very young age and I would sleep in then have a long bath/shower until lunchtime.
This should've been the most perfect timing for you to have a baby with him having 8 weeks off work, instead he is being verbally and emotionally abusive. How dare he say you can't cope. Can't cope with his vile behaviour, yes, completely understandable.
Leave him and have your lovely baby to yourself.

@Goldbar

So I rent a 1 bedroom flat and have done since 2016. I didn't let him move in until just before Covid lockdowns and we actually managed okay through lockdown.

I pay the rent and council tax water rates- we half the gas and electric. He pays for things like sky where he sits and watches football all day. If there's no match on he will watch cricket. If that's not on its speedway. If all that fails he will go onto the YouTube app and watch a historic match.

My company car was taken off me when I fell pregnant as I wasn't able to do my community work anymore and they gave me a work from home role, so we currently car share and he pays the car payments.

So basically the walls won't crumble around us when he leaves.

This has made me sad to read. Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job. Having a new baby is so hard, having a baby with colic sounds like an absolute nightmare...but you are managing so well... All on your own. Your baby is lucky to have you. Your partner needs to step up or if you feel strong enough, you need to really assess the relationship and decide if you and baby would be happier together, without him! But honestly it sounds like you are doing grand!

Fuck me. What an absolute arsehole he is.

I'd never be able to forgive him. You'd be better off without this waste of space I'm afraid.

Worrying that he's a teacher and responsible for (and presumably capable around) other people's kids but can't lift a finger to help his own?

Massive hugs to you. You're doing an amazing job and your little one is lucky to have you.

Complete and utter prick. Definitely sounds like life will be much easier without him around.

He's an absolute knob and you are doing very well. Don't listen to him.

I found gripe water very effective and a bouncer with a vibration.
Also the baby carrier after feeding to keep her upright. For some reason going up and down the stairs with her in it seemed to relieve the wind. Ridiculous when I think about it but you'll do anything that works!

It sounds like he either didn't want to have the baby and is now resentful she is here, or that he sees babies as mothers work therefore you shouldn't dare ask him to do anything to help. Neither offers good long-term prospects.

You'd be better off on your own, rather than staying with this man; he sounds awful, and that is not a good environment for your child to be in.

Is the lease in your name? If so, boot him right now. If he won't go, call the police. Who owns the car and is responsible for the repayments? Can you get your own vehicle?

Just out of curiosity why hadn't a forty year old desperate to have a child not managed to get a house of his own but rather moves into your one bedroom flat?

@Becca95 . That's good and of course you will be able to claim CM. If you know his salary, you should be able to calculate how much you will get on the CMS website.

In your situation, I'd just tell him to go. If I were you, I'd be eaten up with resentment and disappointment every time I looked at him, and I'd prefer he just fucked off and left me to enjoy my new baby. He doesn't sound like he has many redeeming features. It's not your job to fix or train him either, he's a grown adult.

Goodness, he's fallen on his feet, hasn't he? No rent, a comfortable flat where he can doss around watching sport, and sex on tap till recently. And he still doesn't feel he should contribute even to looking after his own child.

For yourself, is there any way you can see a different GP in the practice? It certainly sounds as if cow's milk allergy is worth checking out.

I have to admit I also got the ick at the thought of a 32 year old man pursuing a 19 year old woman.

He sounds worse with every update OP. You will have lost your single person discount on your council tax when he moved in, so he should be sharing that, and sharing the water rates.

I'll add my voice to everyone elses and say KTBO (kick the bastard out). I reckon when you're not stressing about him, and also following some of the tips given by posters on here, things will change immensely for you.

Not the point but in regards to colic have you tried different bottles? Because that really changed things for us and also Frida gas passers...

He obviously hasn't bonded with the baby and I'm not sure what you can do about that. But I would tell him to shape up or go. He can feed her and watch the cricket at the same time, does he realise?

I can't see how your relationship, or his parenting will improve.

His baby is in pain, his wife is exhausted. He doesn't care.

If you muddle through the next couple of months your baby will be feeling a bit brighter - you a little more rested. Suddenly his behaviour wont feel as uncaring, and you will start to minimise it naturally as time goes on. He's tired, he doesn't cope as well as you do, it's not "his thing" etc etc.

You've already said how much easier you found the day alone without him. Rather than speak to your Mum, she may dismiss each point as "typical new Dad" without being able to hear the whole story - send her this thread. If you were my daughter I would want to scoop you up into a big hug.

Get rid of him and whatever you do, don't believe his lies that he will change or you won't find better. Ignore anything he says, it's lies.

What does he do with the rest of his salary, @Becca95 if all he's paying for is the television and half the gas/electric ? That can't work out to more than £300 a month.

There’s a reason why no-one wanted to have children with him before now - he’s horrible.

Alas, Covid lockdown brought proximity for some couples long before it was due or proof that the relationship was fundamentally sound.

There is not enough of him, his attitudes & approach to love & family life to keep you together. It’s early days, cut your losses now.

it was him who initially wanted to try for a baby.
Surprise Surprise. Man getting on, worried about continuing his great and outstanding lineage but actually caring fuck all about his child or the other.

OP, you’ve already said it yourself that life was easier when he wasn’t there. And as @FatEaredFuck succinctly put, once the tired haze wears off you’ll start to minimise this behaviour. It’s not behaviour that should be minimised. He is a terrible dad, a terrible partner and you both deserve more than this. Telling him to shape up or ship out won’t work, you’ve told him to help and his response was to call you a bad mum.

Show your daughter what it means to be a strong woman, so she can model when she is older and not follow the pattern of terrible relationships where the man does fuck all and the woman is expected to run around like a blue weed fly.

He’s a lazy, nasty cocklodger Op, get him out.

Prick. It was painful to read.
I’m very sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you would be better on your own as you wouldn’t have to deal with his attitude.

You sound like you are coping with a needy newborn really well. Which is lovely, the first few weeks are so hard, she needs you and you are there for her. Good for you, it's really not easy.

And you know you manage it all on your own, too.

Well done you.

OP, I must take issue with your thread title. You wrote "new parents", but that's incorrect, isn't it? There's only ONE parent here, who's having to parent two babies. Get rid of the fully grown one qnd you can focus entirely on the one that actually needs you.

The lease is in my name. With regards to the car I'm not too bothered. My support network are all local within walking distance and I like to get baby out for a walk daily anyways. I can afford to get a car but I can't really warrant paying out for one at the minute. I live in the ULEZ plus when I return to work in April I'll be given access back to a company car which is super taxed so I'll be being taxed high for one car and paying out for another. Also she's only young at the moment and eventually I'll move to a bigger place, but for now I'm reserving funds for the activities coming up like baby swim and sensory ballet from 6 months. I'd rather she has those activities than her own room that's of no use to her right now anyways.

I'm currently using the anti colic valve bottles. I was using Tommee Tippee valve ones but I ordered her Dr Browns ones this morning.

The doctors phone lines are down so I had to wake him let him know I was going to the GP and he just asked when her next feed would be due and to prepare it before I go. I tried to talk to him last night but he was uninterested as apparently I verbally abused him by asking him to leave and questioning his parenting....

The GP only do phone appointments so when I asked for an alternative GP they just said her name goes down on the list for the day and is picked up by whoever's desk she lands on. Last night I filmed some of the gagging (which was difficult as I just wanted to immediately pick her up) and her reactions at different times post feed. They then said they can only view images on their platform so that's not great.

The lease is in my name, I informed the landlord of him moving in and council tax ect but never actually put him on the tenancy. He did go into one last night about his rights regarding moving out but I honestly couldn't entertain the conversation in the end. It worst comes to worse I'll just serve notice on the lease and move somewhere else local.

So he's refusing to leave YOUR home?

He's not in the lease so he has no rights, you could kick him out today. Why didn't he pay 50% of the rent though?

It sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders and are being really practical about this. He is telling you who he is, and the fact that after you threatened to kick him out, he still only cared about his needs and how you can alleviate his workload when he's not even working tells you he is not willing to change. He might not beat you, but he is gaslighting you, which is a form of abuse. He is a feckless father and he needs to go to the man bin.

Jesus he literally doesn't have a single redeeming feature.

He's not even paying half the bills. Basically a grown man living for a few hundred a month.

You sound very switched on OP.

Goes without saying he needs to go.

If it's any consolation son had terrible colic, but thankfully it doesn't last forever. About 3 months if memory serves. And nothing helped. You may just have to ride it out.

Good luck.