Am I asking too much? ...new parents

[Becca95]

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

Sorry meant to add I would be worried if he puts her down in safe places

@Becca95 ask your dm to come over at 9am.
Don't tell your dh.
Let your dm realise he's laid in his bed and a lazy prick. He'll have a shock when he gets up at 12.
If my dsil had treated my dd like this I would have given him both barrels.

Exactly as 5 week olds are unable to roll!

Remember to wind after every ounce. People sometimes forget the importance of winding very regularly- so important if baby is colicky

also a bath is an excellent way to help with gas

leg cycling also

re your husband- I’m shocked he thinks he can get away with treating you like this. He needs to understand that it is v hard in the early days but they will pass. Sadly you will remember how he treat you at your time of need and resentment will set in

Your husband is a knob
Look at what steps you can take to divorce him

He’s a prick, utter prick. He’s got 8wks off and isn’t helping at all, sleeping all day. You really do not need him around. Throw him out, let’s see if he pulls his socks up. I’d tell him you can also get a lot better (re his comment) and even being alone is better than him and his disgusting comments

Oh my god in furious for you! He’s an absolute prick. Get rid of that useless waste of space, has he always been this way?

my partner could not do enough for us!!! He probably did more night feeds than I did, always interacting with her, consoling her, feeding her, just the bloody best. he should be making you breakfast, bringing you the coffee!!

if this was my “partner” although I can’t see what he does to be called that i would rather be a single mum, you pretty much are!

I read so many threads like this I’ll never understand them.

show him this!

He is being absolutely horrible. He is off work and making every excuse not to be involved. Not sure what the answer is here. But I don't see why you should move out of your house.

I would look at cmpa- my nephew had cmpa and one of mine had colic. There was a massive difference. The one with colic was generally happy other than the evening and could be sorted with infacol, poos were normal and she’d be in a bit of discomfort until a burp but was pretty much sorted by 8-10 weeks and slept ok . The baby was cmpa had awful poos and was very unsettled all the time. He was really hard work and just didn’t sleep unless held.

and as for your partner… he’s off for an extended period and you have a formula fed child. He should be doing 50:50 and instead he’s moaning about ‘helping’. He’s a complete deadbeat if he can’t see that.

Why is your bar set so low OP?

Sounds like red flags from the start op.but you need to get gone now as it sounds like he's getting worse.anf in the process making you and bathe baby so too.
I'm sure there is physical reasons for your babies distress.butdo you no just how much a person's emotions play on the gut.and how much stress and anxiety fuck up the gut working.and the gut brain axis etc etc.reflux,bloating,digestive issues.
It's how so many people with ibs end up finding it was never about the food specific it about anxiety and stress and then anxiety stress about said foods!
So if your babies picking up on this it won't be helping her.

But don't stay,don't wander,don't wait to be treated better.ive never heard it changing,always in fact getti g worse and by the time you realise your at rock bottom your too destroyed to get out.

Just by his ending comment id have the fucker out.what a horrific thing to say to a woman,a mum,his partner.anyone!

You've had loads of great advice that I cant add to but THIS LINE

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

Massive kudos to you for coming out with that. It really made me smile and I bet it gave him a bit of a shock even if he didn't show it

No, you are not asking enough. I can’t believe that by 3pm all he had managed to do is get up, have coffee, clean his teeth and have a shit. That’s beyond mind boggling.

I wouldn’t stay tbh, it seems as though he is nothing but an albatross and requires more of your output than he inputs. He just doesn’t seem like an asset to you frankly.

I also couldn’t find someone like that attractive in any way, shape or form. Actually by 3pm I’d count them amongst the most repugnant people in the world edging up there with Putin😁.

Eurgh this is scary! He is a waste of space!

My boy was so unsettled as a newborn, my partner was the best! Took it all in his stride and did the lions share for the weeks I was recovering without moaning once!

he loves spending time with his child! Your OH sounds awful! Please leave!

oh you poor thing. Sounds awful. My youngest - now almost 3 was like this.

is she being properly winded? Dd wasn’t being which was partly the reason.

have you tried using the next size up teat on the bottle. I think this was the cause for us. Using the size 1 teat meant she wasn’t getting enough milk at a time feeding took ages and she was getting loads of air. We switched to a bigger one and it helped a bit.

for you - take care of yourself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup as the saying goes. You need to eat. And drink. And rest.

He is an utter prick. Putting himself ahead of his new baby doesn’t bode well for the future, and he is completely uncaring about you - you’re a new mother and you are recovering after the hugely demanding physical (and emotional) experience of giving birth. Selfish, selfish, selfish man - tell him if he doesn’t shape up and start being a better father and partner he can ship out!!

Oh God he's a right a*sehole.
How incredibly selfish is he. I couldn't live with someone like that.
For the baby, it's very common for them to experience this in the early days. Things that helped me a lott - windy from Frida ( look on Amazon, so relieving to hear them...relieve 😅)
If you can afford a baby Bjorn bouncer...I've tried many but something about this bouncer seemed to ease my baby. See one on marketplace if it's too expensive. And a sling/carrier is my last suggestion.
Definitely call your mum or someone else over because you need the help you are still recovering and newborns are hard.

Sorry I've not read the whole thread but have you had her checked for tongue tie? It could explain a lot of your issues - breastfeeding not working, collic/reflux/unsettled. I'd recommend the fox and the moon on Instagram she gives some good advice.

Your partner sounds like a prick. it's not at a partnership it's all on you.

He sounds like an absolute waste of space. Cruel, selfish, thoughtless and grumpy. You'd be better off alone with your lovely baby.

Just tell him to leave. Tell him his standards for himself might be in the gutter but yours and your baby's aren't so he can fuck right off.

I’m actually amazed by what I’ve read. What an awful person to treat you in such a way.
my husband had heart surgery and doesn’t wake late.
everything you wrote was just is awful. Please leave and never look back, what an awful person.

the sling sounds amazing and if it is colic it’ll settle in a few weeks time
perhaps could be cows milk intolerance (probably been mentioned in other posts) you could ask to try her on milk free formula :)

sending you love

What a prick! Selfish tosser.
GPs are often not baby experts. Your health visitor who only sees babies and some toddlers will often be more knowledgeable when it comes to feeding / crying issues.
Your baby sounds she they may have reflux . My second baby wanted to be held upright and HATED being in the bouncer because it made the reflux worse. All the jigging that I did with first baby made things worse
Try a sling to have the baby upright and close and consider some gaviscon duo squirted into the cheek before a feed .
I’m so sorry your man is SO useless.

Prickisn behaviour. But there is still hope.

Your DH sounds completely unprepared for what parenthood. He is unwilling to change his routine and believes a female can miraculously reborn as a mother the moment she gives birth. Some like to call it mother’s instinct.

You will have to train him like a puppy, as bizarre as that may sound. Men are psychologically much more reward driven than women (who are much more complex emotionally). What you need now is a cool head and great observation.

Whenever he does something remotely good, praise him and be specific about your praises. Such as “I like how you are holding the baby, she looks so comfortable.” Or “Look at the way you are burping her! Well done!” Be sincere and do this all the time. In a month or two he will be taking on more and more baby tasks for these reward. You must always praise him even if you think these are his responsibilities and do not deserve a song and dance each time as no one is praising you for your effort. But remember the end game, the goal is to do less baby work so you could rest and regain yourself. This isn’t a completion of who gets more stickers on the reward chart but to help your husband learn what it means to be a father.

Once the baby grows out of the infant stage and begin to develop a personality, a bond will form and things will happen naturally.

I'm so, so sorry.
You must be feeling awful.
He's a fucking bastard.