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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
Insanelysilver · 25/07/2022 00:54

You poor thing. He really is a selfish, useless waste of space..
i think I’d rather be on my own than put up with that.

LAsandkicksup · 25/07/2022 00:59

He’s a disgusting excuse for a father and partner @Becca95 . I have a 3 week old also born via section and I’m breastfeeding. DH is also off work. He just got up to change her nappy before I fed her as getting in and out of bed aggravates my scar. He will do same for the next night feed then he will go to spare room and get some sleep. When he comes down around 9/10 he brings me coffee and breakfast and takes the baby while I eat. As he loves me and cares about me and as he loves and cares for our baby - like he’s supposed to!!

marvellousmaple · 25/07/2022 01:04

Forgot to say in my prior msg that "YES, he is a prick".

Clarefrances · 25/07/2022 01:10

How horrible for you, has he always been like this with you?

billy1966 · 25/07/2022 01:15

OP,

Please tell your mother the truth.
He is a waste of space and is as nasty as possible.
Don't allow him to make things harder.

Don't give the baby his name or birth cert if you can.

34 year old with a 21 year old🙄.....don't waste any further time on him.

He sounds abusive and will likely get worse.

Tell your GP the truth and insist on help.

You sound like a wonderful mum, but tell those that love you the truth.

Do not protect him.

5zeds · 25/07/2022 01:28

If you were my daughter I’d want you to come home. He sounds very horrid for you and the baby. Put her first and take her to your Mums for a few days/weeks. Once you’ve had a little rest and a chat you can think about what you want to do.

Pr1mr0se · 25/07/2022 01:46

You are not being unreasonable at all about any of it. The father of your child should be involved in the care of your baby.

Phone your health visitor or midwife on Monday if you can as you need some support. Mumsnet is hear for you in the meantime.

It is ok to put your baby down in her cot or even in her car seat or whatever you have inside the house for a few minutes so you can shower, or get yourself breakfast. Your partner should be able to look after her for that time too. Perhaps your midwife/ health visitor can have a word about what other partners do so there is another person giving him this information. He might have more respect that way.

Hope it works out for you.

cantley · 25/07/2022 01:48

He's a total prick.
Can you leave?
Can you kick him out?
I honestly think if you can sort yourself financially you will be so much calmer and happier just with your dear little baby.

scarletisjustred · 25/07/2022 01:52

When a 40 year old man who refuses to do anything to help his wife look after a five week old baby with colic lists his positive points as not being an adulterer or a wifebeater, you know you made a bad choice. Don't double down on the bad choice by keeping him around. And never have another child with him - lot of people have found themselves pregnant at the six week checkup so be very careful.

Have you got a profession with decent earning power? Do you both own your house? Could you parents help out? Normally I'd think that even a less than satisfactory husband has some uses and may be better than nothing but in your case I'm struggling to see it. I find men who take the newspaper to the loo quite repulsive too.

By the way, everybody on mumsnet raves about slings but I found them utterly impossible although I was on the small side with large babies. I was either feeling like I was being strangled or in danger of overbalancing. Mine were projectile vomiters as well and no amount of muslin would have stopped that wall of milk coming towards me.

Your baby will have to learn that she doesn't spend every waking hour attached to you. You have to look after yourself. You have to have food and time for a shower. If she cries, she cries. (Mumsnetters will probably be coming for me with stakes because it's mum's net lore that you have to take your child to the bathroom and loo with you and I have to say I never did and they reached adulthood just fine.)

Housenoob · 25/07/2022 01:52

It makes me sad to see so many threads about shockingly awful men like this who are clearly dickheads yet the poor woman is still questioning whether they are the ones BU.

He's a prick, a fucking prick. Get rid.

Kisskiss · 25/07/2022 01:52

He’s a selfish prick

theremustonlybeone · 25/07/2022 02:07

Get back to the GP as your baby being so upset isn’t normal. Don’t let them fob you off. Get reflux wedges for the cot and pram. Discuss starting her on ranitidine. Don’t bother with gaviscon as that just leads to constipation. Don’t let the GP away with it being ‘colic’. As for your OH - he is not a nice person

SugarDatesandPistachios · 25/07/2022 02:14

‘I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her’

Rolling @ 5 weeks?!… 🙄I would be highly suspicious of his story here, he probably put her on her front, face down onto duvet. Lazy at best, dangerous AF at worst.

SugarDatesandPistachios · 25/07/2022 02:16

FYI - ranitidine is on recall and no longer available due to cancer risk association @theremustonlybeone

OPTIMUMMY · 25/07/2022 02:48

I would end a marriage over this,
Firstly your baby is only 5 weeks old and you needed a section, you’re still healing and he should be helping to look after you.
Secondly you’re having a tough time of it with having issues with breastfeeding (I had similar so totally relate) and now also the colic. For him to dare to suggest that you were not ready for motherhood whist going through this massive adjustment is damaging for your mental health, and I would say abusive, never mind the fact that you are having to do it all yourself!
Then to see your updates of how unsupportive he was when you had scares and needed to go to hospital is just unforgivable.

Reading between the lines it sounds like he has used the age gap to his advantage to try and shape you to what he wanted from a partner, to control you and put you down.
You are a fantastic mum and you don’t need him. As he is a 40 year old man he is unlikely to change and will continue to try and bully you as he has been doing so far. However I hope you have found your strength in becoming a mum to see him for what he is and dump him, it will be better for you in the long run.

In terms of your colicky baby, I’ve had two of those and there are lots of potential causes, discuss these with your health visitor or try a different gp. There will be different clues for CMPA, gas, lactose intolerance and reflux and different things to try for each.

In the meantime I would recommend Hipp organic powder (ready made stuff is gassier on their tummies, and SMA has a bit of a reputation for this). Lots of winding after her milk and keeping her upright for about half an hour after her feed.

Movement helps a lot of little ones - so a carrier or sling can help during the day as can bouncers with vibration. For sleep I used a mamaroo bassinet which has different motions for sleep and white noise. These will be cheaper second hand and you will likely be able to sell it on again for not much less than you’d pay for a second hand model if you felt it was worth trying.

Ewan the sheep is also great for helping them get to sleep. Lots of babies also really like the sleep nests like dockatot but you need to supervise napping in them, aldi sell the clevermama ones for around £30 instead of the high price tag to dockatot. Purflo does one though that is approved for night time sleeping which lots of people swear by.

Good luck and like others have said even though it won’t feel like it now, the colic will pass, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 25/07/2022 02:51

He is a teacher yet fails to safeguard is own child. Please shot him out, he is an embarrassment

scarletisjustred · 25/07/2022 02:55

We just put a few textbooks under the legs at the head of the cot but we started out with a cot because the babies in my family are quite large. We suspected some reflux but they seemed happy to dribble milk, interspersed with the occasional projectile vomit if they got 5 ml too much of formula. I think we tried a thickened formula at one stage but I can't remember that it made much difference.

I mean this might be really self evident but could changing the teat of the bottle help. I remember reading you should try to get one that resembled your own nipple but frankly gave up on this as none of them resembled me. The tighter the ring, the slower the flow as well. My sons both hated Avent bottles as well and we just gave up using them. (They look well designed and safe but for some reason they were really not keen.)

I'm also suspicious about the five week rolling. I had toddlers running at 10 months but they couldn't have rolled at 5 weeks. (No, they didn't turn into great natural sprinters or athletes.)

Somethingneedstochange · 25/07/2022 02:56

I remember doing this at baby massage. My two never had colic but the one for constipation worked.

Somethingneedstochange · 25/07/2022 03:03

Colicy babies find it more comforting accross your knee than being cuddled. I remember my nephew don't do it with a nappy off though. It can trigger some nasty explosions as my sister found out. 💩🙈💩

mathanxiety · 25/07/2022 03:24

Your husband is an utter bastard.

Tell your mother. Keeping silent about what this abusive scumbag is doing to you is only protecting him. The longer you leave it to tell her the harder it will be. TELL HER.

You need to kick this loser out. Ask your mother for help getting this done.

If necessary, move to your mother's house and from there hire a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings.

Bordesleyhills · 25/07/2022 03:25

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 25/07/2022 02:51

He is a teacher yet fails to safeguard is own child. Please shot him out, he is an embarrassment

Totally- why so selfish and get rid. You don’t need a man child or a self indulgent idiot. I had a Mamaroo, it was fantastic with a windy baby. Ask for prescription milk for little one- this could be a dairy allergy. Don’t be fobbed by GP. Tell matey step up or ship out. He should be ashamed if himself

mathanxiety · 25/07/2022 03:31

@Becca95

His story about the baby rolling over on the bed is chilling. I would be 99% certain that he put her there on her front. He is punishing you for leaving her with him by putting her in danger so you will never trust him again.

today at 1:30 she was due a feed at 2. Ask him to get it all prepared .... 2:15 comes about and she's wailing. Bottles still being sterilised.

This deliberate failure on his part is using her to get at you too.

This man is a danger to your baby.

If you haven't already registered her birth, please don't put his name on her birth cert.

Dahliasandtea · 25/07/2022 04:33

your partner is a prick. YANBU. Sorry.
how selfish can a person get?

that said it’s more common than you might think. I am not excusing it at all…. God knows people should be able to use their eyes to see someone needs help… but sometimes men especially, can’t see for looking and think women should just be able to naturally do it all… and their male privilege kicks in (like when they have man flu) and they feel like they are either being taken advantage of or they resent their partner spending all attention on the baby and not them.

I have no advice for what to do about him. But I would say invest in a baby-wearer thingy…like a sling but firmer. And get yourself meals and coffees with baby in that. It will keep the baby upright to help with colic and also keep it close to your body to calm. Baby wearing saved me.
my husband worked away from home for 4 months, leaving 2 weeks after my first was born. It’s horrible to do everything alone but you find a way. Basically forget about housework and all of that. Find some mother baby groups. Sleep when the baby sleeps if you can and invest in lots of cook meals and a smoothie blender. Food shop online. you shouldn’t have to wait til someone ‘watches the baby’ to feed yourself or take care of yourself. Everything you need to do can be done with a baby on you. You just need to do it a few times to get the hang of it. Sadly if he is going to be a dick about everything then you need to work out how to do these things without him. Learn now so it’s not such a change when you kick him out.

autienotnaughty · 25/07/2022 05:02

What was he like before the baby was born? If he was a prick then too then this should not be a surprise.

But It sounds like he's struggling to bond with the baby and taking it out on you. When you pull him up on this it's likely your hitting a nerve. Can you two take an hour or so away from the baby to talk about what's happening ?

ittakes2 · 25/07/2022 05:43

Please take her to a cranial oesto who has training in treating babies. It’s a thing and some health insurance companies will pay for it.
also worth considering if she is struggling to digest diary and this happened to my son who went into nutramigen
I am sorry but I would not leave him alone in charge of this child as I don’t feel she is safe if he is not watching her and she rolled onto her stomach.

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