Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 25/07/2022 10:25

breastfeeding guilt - agree with @SpiderVersed.

We are very lucky to have a range of formulas for those of us who choose not to breastfeed or for whom it doesn't work out.

What matters is that the baby is fed. Ask women who live in areas where they can't access formula or clean water about that.

Sounds to me like you are doing really well with a baby who is needy and a man who is a fool

10HailMarys · 25/07/2022 10:25

Your partner is a giant piece of shit. He wanted a baby (despite living in a one-bedroom flat, upon which you are paying all the rent and council tax as well as half the bills), he's got eight weeks of holiday and he's doing absolutely fuck all to care for his own child. He's not 'laid back', OP. He's vile. You would 100% be better off without him - you're already caring for your daughter alone, and all he's doing is making it a million times harder for you.

I honestly think the only reason he wanted you to have a baby was so it would give him a means of control over you. Don't let him have that. Leave him now.

Cakeandcardio · 25/07/2022 10:26

Your partner is an absolute prick. You are doing an amazing job. And never feel guilty about bf not working out - I understand that guilt but 2 years down the line, I'm just so happy my baby is healthy. Your partner needs to step up or fuck off.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 10:27

@Becca95

I just said I also woke you up to tell you there's a suitcase under the bed incase you needed it to pack.

applause

Please please hold this line OP. He will NOT have packed when you get home, and he may suddenly come over all lovely and kind and helpful because his meal ticket is in danger. DO NOT RELENT. He has shown you what he is. He has groomed you to accept very little from him, but you are a mum now and that's why you're fucking furious - you won't accept this for your daughter. Hold onto that outrage, that disgust that he can care so little about her.

Chuck the twat out, do it today. It will be hard and horrible but you sound like you will be able to manage financially on your own, he has a PAYE salaried job so he can't hide his money from CMS, and you will feel SO much less overwrought and exhausted when you're not having to do everything alongside someone lounging about. It's like that saying, there's nothing so lonely as feeling alone when you're with other people - there's nothing so tiring as slogging your guts out whilst someone who is supposed to care and support you just sits back and watches you struggle. When he's gone you can just work at the pace of you and your little one and find your own rhythm, you can seek out support from people who actually love you, you can find your way. And think how nice and quiet it will be when there's no fucking sport on the TV all bloody day and night!!

You're so much stronger and braver than I've been. Keep it up.

Becca95 · 25/07/2022 10:28

@user1497787065

That is a genuine problem that I've got to work on. The ending up on her face may have thrown that work back a bit - I was worried during pregnancy constantly but there were a few scares so it seems to have carried over

OP posts:
Somethingneedstochange · 25/07/2022 10:29

This^^

housepilot · 25/07/2022 10:30

You are doing a brilliant job as a new mum with a difficult baby and an inconsiderate 'partner'. I'm sad to agree that he should move out as he's contributing nothing to parenting and beginning to use it against you.

YouSoundLovely · 25/07/2022 10:33

I'm so sorry he's proved such a disappointment. He needs to go. It really does sound as if his very atavistic views of men's and women's roles are coming out. All this stuff about you 'not coping' (how dare he?) is because he thinks mothers are child-caring machines. He's basically assumed that he'll have the status of 'father' and you'll do anything that looks like work, because that's what he thinks you're for - to facilitate his life. Terrible, terrible model to give a daughter (or a son). Throw him out of your home.

As far as watching sport goes (ffs) - my dh watched all sorts of things, presumably including sport, with our babies asleep on him (or grizzling and being rocked/cuddled by him), while I got some rest without having to keep startling out of sleep. It is entirely possible! All this 'I need to watch sport', 'I need to brush my teeth' - he might as well be saying 'fuck you' each time.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 25/07/2022 10:35

You will have to train him like a puppy, as bizarre as that may sound. Men are psychologically much more reward driven than women (who are much more complex emotionally). What you need now is a cool head and great observation.
Whenever he does something remotely good, praise him and be specific about your praises. Such as “I like how you are holding the baby, she looks so comfortable.” Or “Look at the way you are burping her! Well done!” Be sincere and do this all the time. In a month or two he will be taking on more and more baby tasks for these reward. You must always praise him even if you think these are his responsibilities and do not deserve a song and dance each time as no one is praising you for your effort. But remember the end game, the goal is to do less baby work so you could rest and regain yourself. This isn’t a completion of who gets more stickers on the reward chart but to help your husband learn what it means to be a father.

The OP isn't Barbara Woodhouse ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️

mrs55 · 25/07/2022 10:36

Op you do not need a referral for cmpa I don't even think there's a test for it the out of hours doctor prescribed it when our daughter was a week old if really push for it to try and see if it makes a difference.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 10:39

@mrs55

Op you do not need a referral for cmpa I don't even think there's a test for it the out of hours doctor prescribed it when our daughter was a week old if really push for it to try and see if it makes a difference.

This. CMPA is usually a non-iGE allergy i.e. there's not conclusive test for it - exclusion is usually the only way to 'test, which is obvs a lot easier when EBF as you just cut it out of your own diet, but with a FF baby I should think the only 'test' would be to put her on a non-dairy formula and see how she fares. I'd definitely do that before trying all the 'comfort' milks or different brands being bandied around here - they all contains cow's milk protein so won't make the slightest bit of difference if CMPA is the problem!

Rainyday4321 · 25/07/2022 10:39

Don’t let up on getting him gone.

Don’t get drawn into arguing or justifying.
You don’t want to be with him, it’s your flat, he needs to leave.
He has until the end of the day.
No you don’t know where he should go to, it’s up to him.
He can visit the baby on Friday, and can pick up the rest of his things then.

ask him to give you his key, tell him you are going out for xyz, and don’t expect him to still be there when you get back at 5. He can close the door behind him.

the end.

If he really doesn’t like it, tell him you can call the police on him, but as a teacher that would have consequences you don’t want to put him through, so it’s really better for him to go quietly.

wellhelloitsme · 25/07/2022 10:39

You will have to train him like a puppy, as bizarre as that may sound. Men are psychologically much more reward driven than women (who are much more complex emotionally). What you need now is a cool head and great observation. Whenever he does something remotely good, praise him and be specific about your praises. Such as “I like how you are holding the baby, she looks so comfortable.” Or “Look at the way you are burping her! Well done!” Be sincere and do this all the time. In a month or two he will be taking on more and more baby tasks for these reward. You must always praise him even if you think these are his responsibilities and do not deserve a song and dance each time as no one is praising you for your effort. But remember the end game, the goal is to do less baby work so you could rest and regain yourself. This isn’t a completion of who gets more stickers on the reward chart but to help your husband learn what it means to be a father.

I can't believe anyone would be so ridiculous as to suggest the above considering OP's first post and the fact that when she asked him to leave:

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

If you think OP should stay with this man, let alone spend precious time and energy 'training' him to be a vaguely decent human being you are either stupid and / or think that women are rehabilitation centres for shitty men.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 10:40

The good thing is it should be a pretty immediate result with a formula change, whereas with EBF it takes time for the cow's milk protein to leave the mother's body and thus the milk. so it can be weeks before you see improvement.

rainbowstardrops · 25/07/2022 10:41

Firstly, you sound like a lovely caring mum and I'm so sorry things are difficult right now.
Secondly, your H is a prick!!!
He stays in bed until midday and refuses to parent and is now refusing to leave the flat that is in YOUR name?!!! Nah. I'd be packing that suitcase for him.
Nasty poor excuse for a 'man'!
I'm angry on your behalf.

2bazookas · 25/07/2022 10:42

He's a prick, and since he declines to father, your baby doesn't need him either.

SillySausage81 · 25/07/2022 10:43

I just said I also woke you up to tell you there's a suitcase under the bed incase you needed it to pack.

You absolute QUEEN!!! Nice one! Keep it up 😃

Goldbar · 25/07/2022 10:45

I woke him up to let him know we were leaving and he said I didn't need to wake him up to tell him that. I just said I also woke you up to tell you there's a suitcase under the bed incase you needed it to pack.

He's really making your decision very easy, isn't he? What an unpleasant man to have around your home while you're getting to grips with being a new mother and your baby's health issues.

And ffs don't listen to anyone who says it's your job to teach him to be a father. It really isn't. No one taught you to be a mother, did they?

Nofreshstarthere22 · 25/07/2022 10:45

Get rid, hes a useless father and partner

FiloPasty · 25/07/2022 10:46

Big hugs and get rid!

id also pack his bags and tell him if he isn’t gone by 5pm then you’ll be calling the police

billy1966 · 25/07/2022 10:55

OP,

If he is a teacher, (god fxxking help us) he will NOT want to be reported to the police.

He has been verbally and emotionally abusive and has threatened you with his rights.

Tell him you are going to the police and are reporting him and his vile behaviour and that he is refusing to leave YOUR home.

Tell him you are telling them that he is a teacher and where he works.

Will he want his school to know?
I doubt it.

Fight fire with fire.

He is a cocklodger.

Get him out and dial 101 for police assistance.

Do NOT be bullied any longer.

Notlostjustexploring · 25/07/2022 10:57

I think you've received good advice on how useless your "partner" is so I won't wade in further...

Is your tot maybe lactose intolerant? You can get lactase drops to break down lactose in milk while you're waiting on further referrals?

colief.com/

And I found gripe water to be quite good for all sorts. Infacol didn't really help, and Infant gaviscon caused constipation (so a heads up there.)

Good luck with it all.

BeeDavis · 25/07/2022 10:58

What. The. Fuck. He’s an arsehole. 40 years old. Wow.

Kennykenkencat · 25/07/2022 10:59

Would giving him a formal notice to leave in 1 week/10 days time or what ever time you think he could get another place/sofa to go to.

In the meantime I wouldn’t leave your Dd with him as he sounds really spiteful and uncaring and she is so tiny.

Has he anywhere you go? Does he have his own place? That he can go to aat much shorter notice

billy1966 · 25/07/2022 11:03

I also wouldn't leave your baby with him, he's NOT to be trusted.

Tell the police that too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread