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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
Motherofchickenslol · 25/07/2022 12:34

I had a similar issue with my littles one. We were prescribed baby gaviscon. I gave it to her every other feed to prevent constipation if definitely helped. Her nappy rash and poo was dreadful but cleared up over night. Although we were also given formula as the Dr thought it may be a cows milk allergy although I feel this was unlikely as we are weaning now and have no issues with cows milk.
Your partner sounds like an entitled prick! A screaming baby is stressful for sure but if he had helped you and allowed you to get a drink and something to eat, you would not have left right?

I used a baby bjorn mini and I still use it now it was the best thing ever and the only way I could get things done as she hated her mosses basket.
Just remember it does get easier as they grow but when you are living it it’s hard.

xippo · 25/07/2022 12:35

you've done a great job on your own. don't leave your flat, you've got enough on without a move. kick the lazy shit out, he's an embarrassment don't even worry where he'll go, he's not worried about you and your baby.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/07/2022 12:35

sleepyhoglet · 25/07/2022 12:26

I can totally understand why you couldn't get food or drink! It's so hard with a baby and you really can't put them down. Mine is over 6 months now and it is easier but was hell 0-4 months. It just was. Sorry. But the main issue here is that you have an enemy on your team. Hoping things improve for you.

@sleepyhoglet

you CAN put them down though!

I mean sure they might cry if you do but what’s the alternative - you don’t eat or drink all day or wet yourself because you can’t put them down to go to the bathroom?

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 25/07/2022 12:44

Op, I'd really recommend a woven wrap sling - you can tuck baby into it while you get on with stuff around the house and it leaves you with both hands free to make yourself lunch or whatever. Baby is happy.
the advantage of woven over stretchy is that you can use it until they become too heavy to carry, just adapting the different ties as they get older. I barely used a pushchair as I found the sling just so convenient - plus you can stick all sorts of purses, keys and mobile phones in there once you get the hang of it 😂

Nietzschethehiker · 25/07/2022 12:44

Just wanted to reassure you from further down the line. I wasn't as boundaried as you (that's a compliment I promise) and when Exdh showed his colours after ds1 I went on to have ds2 .....I wouldn't change it now because I am so grateful for both ds but in retrospect Exdh absolutely showed his hand with my eldest.

Totally entitled, pulled the calculated incompetence with the muslin as well. Left me to do absolutely everything. He wasn't even as verbally nasty either , my exdh was just a useless jellyfish of a man. Yours is vile. Like others have said , not cheating and hitting is the absolute bare minimum for a relationship, it doesn't even come close to the bare minimum to be a father.

I am 6 years on from walking and it was the absolute best thing I have ever done. I'm glad in my personal circumstance that I got ds2 but I would always tell someone to leave at the first now.

They don't change , even if he were to listen (I doubt yours will given his disgusting comments) but they don't. They make a vague half hearted effort for 2 weeks and then back it goes..

Really, leaving meant it was actually easier when I didn't have to deal with him as well. I had a 4 year old and a one year old and it was still the right decision.

Of course there are days that are hard but otherwise you end up with an extra child who is more entitled and arrogant than the actual children.

I have a Dp now but didn't and was a single parent. The dc are happier, I'm happier and it works so much better.

Nietzschethehiker · 25/07/2022 12:44

Just wanted to reassure you from further down the line. I wasn't as boundaried as you (that's a compliment I promise) and when Exdh showed his colours after ds1 I went on to have ds2 .....I wouldn't change it now because I am so grateful for both ds but in retrospect Exdh absolutely showed his hand with my eldest.

Totally entitled, pulled the calculated incompetence with the muslin as well. Left me to do absolutely everything. He wasn't even as verbally nasty either , my exdh was just a useless jellyfish of a man. Yours is vile. Like others have said , not cheating and hitting is the absolute bare minimum for a relationship, it doesn't even come close to the bare minimum to be a father.

I am 6 years on from walking and it was the absolute best thing I have ever done. I'm glad in my personal circumstance that I got ds2 but I would always tell someone to leave at the first now.

They don't change , even if he were to listen (I doubt yours will given his disgusting comments) but they don't. They make a vague half hearted effort for 2 weeks and then back it goes..

Really, leaving meant it was actually easier when I didn't have to deal with him as well. I had a 4 year old and a one year old and it was still the right decision.

Of course there are days that are hard but otherwise you end up with an extra child who is more entitled and arrogant than the actual children.

I have a Dp now but didn't and was a single parent. The dc are happier, I'm happier and it works so much better.

CombatBarbie · 25/07/2022 12:46

He may be a teacher but not intelligent enough to know he has no rights, no tenancy, no proof of paying any form of rent. He has no rights. He is a squatter essentially.

And he had a go at you questioning his parenting skills.... I hope you laughed when he said that!!!!!

You sound like you have your head screwed on OP! Make sure he leaves today.

justasking111 · 25/07/2022 12:49

So a Forty years old man has no home of his own, is happy to move into a one bedroom flat with you, pay nothing. Convince you to get pregnant What the hell has he done with his salary for the last twenty years??

sleepyhoglet · 25/07/2022 12:56

@LuckySantangelo35 it sounds crazy I know. My first was so much easier to care for but this time round it was so stressful putting him down. I spent most of the day easing him so he wasn't crying. When you've not slept for weeks, not laid flat, your body and mind are hurting you simply can't cope with the sound of the crying. That's how I felt. I would grab a cereal bar etc but nothing else and then if he fell asleep on me I didn't want to move to wake him. But I was breastfeeding. When bottle feeding, the partner of the OP has no excuse. He should be pulling his weight

squishymamma · 25/07/2022 13:01

Sorry OP, what a terrible time 💐

Just wanted to say that I've been on a milk free diet for almost 3 weeks now after consulting with my GP, and after less than a week my DS2 (6 months) was pooing normally again and not bothered about being on his back. We had the same issues as you but hadn't had any prior to him turning 5 months so took ages to diagnose milk protein allergy. We think it may have been the 6 in 1 vaccine (we don't live in UK so schedules may be different) triggering it as that is the only thing that happened around the same time. Regardless, would highly recommend trying it if nothing else works - there are loads of vegan substitutes now and I just take multivitamins to make sure calcium etc is covered. I know you should technically do it in cooperation with your GP but sounds like yours is dragging their feet a little?

Hope you get out of that situation soon, almost like you have 2 newborns to take care of 🙄 good luck x

GrinAndVomit · 25/07/2022 13:06

Can I just say, please don’t feel guilty about not breastfeeding. I managed to breastfeed but it was only because my husband did all the house work and cooking for three months after each of our children were born.
It would have been completely impossible without a supportive partner.

IfYouOnlyKnew · 25/07/2022 13:06

Bless you! I had a baby like this, the only thing that helped in the end was a prescription for omeprazole! We tried the gaviscon, infacol, about 12 different formulas! It didn’t fully solve it but made it much more manageable.

In terms of your partner, make sure he leaves. You will be far better on your own, not tiptoeing round him. He is waste of space. Agree with others, if he refuses to leave ring the police.

pinkyredrose · 25/07/2022 13:11

You will have to train him like a puppy, as bizarre as that may sound. Men are psychologically much more reward driven than women (who are much more complex emotionally). What you need now is a cool head and great observation. Whenever he does something remotely good, praise him and be specific about your praises. Such as “I like how you are holding the baby, she looks so comfortable.” Or “Look at the way you are burping her! Well done!” Be sincere and do this all the time. In a month or two he will be taking on more and more baby tasks for these reward. You must always praise him even if you think these are his responsibilities and do not deserve a song and dance each time as no one is praising you for your effort. But remember the end game, the goal is to do less baby work so you could rest and regain yourself. This isn’t a completion of who gets more stickers on the reward chart but to help your husband learn what it means to be a father.

Hahahahaha!

Thinkingblonde · 25/07/2022 13:14

He’s a prick and an abusive prick at that.
An immature, selfish, lazy abusive prick.
You'd be better off on your own with your baby.
Keep on at the GP re possible reflux.
Im glad you told him to leave.

Crumpleton · 25/07/2022 13:22

pinkyredrose · 25/07/2022 13:11

You will have to train him like a puppy, as bizarre as that may sound. Men are psychologically much more reward driven than women (who are much more complex emotionally). What you need now is a cool head and great observation. Whenever he does something remotely good, praise him and be specific about your praises. Such as “I like how you are holding the baby, she looks so comfortable.” Or “Look at the way you are burping her! Well done!” Be sincere and do this all the time. In a month or two he will be taking on more and more baby tasks for these reward. You must always praise him even if you think these are his responsibilities and do not deserve a song and dance each time as no one is praising you for your effort. But remember the end game, the goal is to do less baby work so you could rest and regain yourself. This isn’t a completion of who gets more stickers on the reward chart but to help your husband learn what it means to be a father.

Hahahahaha!

Nearly spat my coffee out reading this...
Must be a reply to a wrong post.

Thinkingblonde · 25/07/2022 13:26

GPs seem reluctant to diagnose reflux. Even with a hospital consultants diagnosis there can be a reluctance to prescribe the medication the consultant has advised.
it took an intervention from my granddaughters consultant to her GP to get him to fill out the prescription for Omepramazole and prescription only formula. This is a baby who almost died at two days old before silent reflux was diagnosed.
CMPA took longer to diagnose, once she was on Nutrimagen formula she was a different baby.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/07/2022 13:47

He’s a prick, @Becca95. My eldest and his wife have a baby about the same age as yours (my first grandchild), and he is doing nappy changes, feeds (including night time), making bottles etc - basically doing everything he can to look after the two people he loves the most. That is what a decent man does.

If your dh were one of my boys, I would be hauling him over the coals until he changed his attitude.

Congratulations on your lovely baby. Thanks

PatientlyWaiting21 · 25/07/2022 13:47

Becca95 · 25/07/2022 09:22

@thethoughtfox
I've heard about the Hipp organic and it's been mentioned a few times - I'm going to get this for her today

This was the third milk I tried and it was like a new happy baby!!

roastedsaltedpeanut · 25/07/2022 13:48

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

What I have recommended is a classic, well researched and well practiced psychological method that works.

What is your motivation to insult me as a mother as well as my children?

whoopsnomore · 25/07/2022 13:57

speakout · 25/07/2022 06:37

Why is your bar set so low OP?

If you reflect for a moment, there is a kinder way of phrasing this.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 13:57

@roastedsaltedpeanut

Because your reply presupposes it is her job to manage and teach him. You will come back pleasing utilitarianism but frankly the idea men are like children or pets and need to be trained infantilises them and puts the onus for dealing with everything on the woman. it's archaic. Why should the OP put so much in for so little reward?

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 14:00

*pleading

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 14:01

And by the way I said nothing about your mothering or your kids. Unless you have sons you are raising to believe it's fine for them to do jack shit unless they are pandered to relentlessly.

Goldbar · 25/07/2022 14:18

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 13:57

@roastedsaltedpeanut

Because your reply presupposes it is her job to manage and teach him. You will come back pleasing utilitarianism but frankly the idea men are like children or pets and need to be trained infantilises them and puts the onus for dealing with everything on the woman. it's archaic. Why should the OP put so much in for so little reward?

Exactly. It's not women's job to train or 'fix' useless men.

It is certainly not the OP's job to pander to her partner and stroke his ego to try to get him to do an iota of parenting while she's carrying the entire burden.

Especially as he is so easily tossed out on his ear in this case. By being so useless, he's essentially made himself entirely dispensable.

Why would the OP put lots of energy into trying to fix him (an unrewarding and probably futile endeavour) when she can just bin him?

longtompot · 25/07/2022 14:35

Somuchgoo · 25/07/2022 11:52

Toast not a roast!
Doing a full roast would be more a challenge 😜

I was going to say! I struggled with two hands sometimes, not sure I'd manage with one 😆

@Becca95 you are amazing. All the things you are going through right now and you are still taking baby out to various places. I am so glad you have told your useless ' partner ' where to go. He is more a hindrance than a help and it sounds like you are made of sterner stuff and will be in a better place without him. I hope you have a lovely visit to Costa and when you get back home he has gone 💐