Am I asking too much? ...new parents

[Becca95]

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

Try the soy based formula - it's available in the bigger supermarkets - SMA wysoy. My son is dairy intolerant and even the prescribed hypoallergenic one from aptamil didn't do him any favours.

Husband is a dick, get rid of him. If all he thinks he's contributing is "not cheating or slapping you." 🙄🙄🙄

Baby sounds like she might have CMPA (cows milk protein allergy)? These were DD's exact symptoms. She's now on Neocate and doing great. You can go to paed A&E to get prescribed if your GP can't do it.

Get rid

I think OP you need to think back over the relationship and realise that he started off as an adult man - 5 years older than you are now! - hunting down a school leaver to start a relationship with. I bet you meet 19 year olds now and think they are babies (even if they look like grown ups) and you'd probably not even consider getting into something with a 19 year old boy as he'd be too immature and it wouldn't be an equal thing.

I know there are exceptions to this but a lot of the time when a really grown up aged man gets with a teenager there is one main reason for it - not that she's hot or they have a special bond, but that he is massively attracted to the fact that she will take his shit and not know any better. Well you know better now and you've learnt the very hard way that he is a domestic dictator who plays dirty and really just wants his own way. That's not love. It's not going to turn into love. He doesn't love your (his) baby either. It's unforgiveable.

And that - as well as what everyone else has written - is why I hope you will get supportive relatives round later today, present him with his packed suitcase and deposit him in the street with the rubbish where he belongs.

Pop him back on the shelf and lodge a case with CMS.

How can you trust him not to let the baby come to harm, through laziness, negligence?

I wouldn't try a soy formula as babies who have cmpa also have intolerance to soy please push at the doctors or ask for a different doctor to speak to , my dd had cmpa and it was horrific my ds does not have one I have him on Kendamil goats milk and he's been fine get rid of him he's an arrogant arse who can't be arsed to look after his daughter .

My DS just couldn't have SMA after doing the Infacol and Gaviston route it was the health visitor who suggested Milupa baby powder, was a game changer. End of tether moment I needed to vacuum round popped him in his moses basket turned hoover on, silence, turned out he hated it being to quiet, no banging music just gentle back ground noise.

As for your other half he hasn't got any rights to stay in your flat, he's not a tenant, or on the paperwork and you're not his Landlady. Neither are you married to each other, so absolutely no ties legally.
Not sure how you feel about it or whether it's fair on him but if you haven't registered little one yet I'd go as far as keeping his name off of the certificate.
He's showing absolutely no interest in her and even less about your wellbeing, not helping so you can grab something to eat/drink...he should darn well be getting it for you.

Not sure if this post has genuinely upset me or pissed me off...He makes it sound like you should be grateful for any crumb of anything he throws your way...."Not ready to be a mum"...you're running yourself ragged while he sleeps longer hours than baby.
I'd never really advocate a family parting ways but you really do sound like you can cope on your own both mentally and financially and it'll be less stressful for you to know each day you'll, hopefully, only have little one to see to.

Not ready to be a mum"...you're running yourself ragged while he sleeps longer hours than baby.

This comment enraged me too. You're doing a great job with a difficult baby and ZERO help... meanwhile he can't even make up the baby's bottle or comfort her for LESS THAN ONE HOUR... he's clearly not cut out to be a dad. Does he think "being a mum" means doing 100% of everything with no help, while the other adult in the house stands there idle, gets in the way and brings the mood down? OP, I can assure you that's NOT what motherhood is supposed to be about. Good luck to you.

What a waste of space he is, you two will be better off without him

Things like cold drinks, sandwiches, roast etc can be made one handed. A lot more can be done with baby in a sling.

Or baby can be in a bouncer
Or pram
Or moses basket
Or on a playmat on thr floor having a kick around - is the benefit of having a non mobile baby!

When he leaves, you'll have to do this out of necessity anyway, but there absolutely no need to go without food or drink
when you have a baby. You are important too.

Ps: thank goodness you've chucked the waste of space out.

Toast not a roast!
Doing a full roast would be more a challenge 😜

Agreed you have to find ways of making food for yourself and eating it, going to toilet, showering, even stuff like washing your hair and putting makeup on if you want to do that

What a horrible, selfish and unfeeling man your partner is. What positives does he bring to the relationship? Seriously, you are doing everything for your baby now so his absence would make no difference to your situation. No support just making you feel bad and only giving negative vibes. He doesn’t deserve you or the baby. Things will not improve if this is how things are now. He is robbing you of the joy of being a mother and eroding your confidence.

38 years ago my firstborn had bad colic. I was a zombie with the constant breastfeeding, crying and lack of sleep. My dh was brilliant. He was also a teacher and would arrive home from work to find me still in pjs. He never criticised, just got on with making the tea and doing things that needed doing. He would jog dd up and down the living room in his arms every evening, humming repetitive songs to settle and comfort her. We were supposed to take it turns to take dd daughter downstairs in the morning when she woke, around 5.30 but invariably he would tell me to sleep and he took her down. It did get better. She was prescribed a medication which no longer gets prescribed but I think, in the end, she just outgrew it. ( The next two babies were fine, thank goodness!)

I have never said this before but seriously, you would be better off without him. He has no compassion or empathy for either of you. Perhaps too stuck in his ways to change. Once you are over this hurdle it will be something else. You spend too much time fussing over the baby and he feels neglected, for instance. He is obviously not cut out to be a father or a loving partner. Get shot.

Tell him to get to fuck and start packing his things if he doesn't believe you. use bin bags.

You will be happier without suck a selfish prick in your life.

"You can't do better than me, because I don't slap you" is a particularly low effort but popular abusive phrase.

Sorry you've found out he's a shit father. Do remember the warnings and leaflets the health visitors gave you about the risks of controlling and aggressive behaviour increasing once you're pregnant and with a baby, as they will tell you you cannot leave now.

Some men just thrive on watching their partner suffer, refuse to engage with 'the baby you wanted', attack you with 'oh has the novelty worn off now, you're such a shit mother' and then feel proud of themselves for 'trapping' you.

My DS actually spent a lot of his early months sleeping in a car seat as it meant he was in a propped up position. I also used to play white noise by him (a fan, a radio between stations) and he slept much better that way.

As for your partner, what a colossal bellend. Get rid.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

It's not an either or situation, there are other men in this world beyond the pricks. You did the right thing sounds like your life will be easier without him!

Hi OP,

my baby was like this and it turned out to be silent reflux. GP’s often get this wrong and it was luckily only because we’re under care of GOSH that it was diagnosed. Good on you for pushing with your GP!

your partner sounds like an absolute waste of space. Bin him and get on with it. You sound like you’re an amazing mum xx

And this from a fucking teacher. God help us!

You know what, you don’t sound like a total pushover. You got this, your life will be easier without him. roll that turd right out of your home.

Also plenty of normal dads out there. DH who is older than yours spent hours rocking DD and bouncing her around, he did nappy changes, feeds, bath time. This is all normal parent stuff not mum stuff. He probably slept the least out of all of us in the first few weeks as I was recovering. Thats a normal dad.

DD went in bouncer (hated sling, didn’t like bouncer either tbf) or on a mat was fine if I had to do something. We had to raise the head of her cot slightly (we used rolled up towels but not an incline where she could roll over) which seemed to help her a bit, burped after every ounce and fed her as upright as possible. Weirdly I found that lying her down, waiting till she started to squirm then getting her upright resulted in a big burp. She still wakes up and has a burp sometimes now she’s almost 3.

Good luck OP! I have total confidence you won’t lumber yourself with him for the rest of your life.

Has she a milk allergy maybe? Look for ways to hold her on her tummy, there's stuff on Youtube. It's a swaying rocking movement and is ver good for colic

Jesus get rid of this awful, lazy, entitled man-child! I wouldn't be happy with him ever being in sole charge of your beautiful baby.

12 years ago my second son was a newborn with colic. It is very hard and heartbreaking. But one thing to hold onto with kids is that everything is a phase and will resolve. The problem with your dickhead partner is that problems with him will only exacerbate with time and never resolve because he is a callous entitled knob jockey.

just tell him if youre not gone by this evening i'll phone the police to assist you leaving

he wont want that as a teacher

I can totally understand why you couldn't get food or drink! It's so hard with a baby and you really can't put them down. Mine is over 6 months now and it is easier but was hell 0-4 months. It just was. Sorry. But the main issue here is that you have an enemy on your team. Hoping things improve for you.

Well done OP. Don't stand for his shit. Waste of space cocklodger!