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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 25/07/2022 09:52

Private primary teacher? Aged 40?
Jesus fuck. Cannot believe the twunt and he sounds like a cocklodger too.
Please get rid of him. Tell him to go. Put his stuff out and change locks. Ring police if you need to - he us not on the tenancy. Universal credit will help you with top up if needed, put a claim in now. Tell your in-laws about his behaviour.
Cannot believe as a teacher he is acting like another child, you do not need two.
CSA all the way, he will not be able to wriggle out of that one. Stay strong.
Not even taking into account he was 32 to your 19 when you met. Power dynamic wrong. I wish you luck and if you needed further confirmation, oh yes, he is a prick.

thelittlestbird · 25/07/2022 09:56

Hello OP, could you try the love2dream arms up swaddle - it was a game changer for our little girl.

Couldn't believe my eyes that your husband sleeps til 12 noon with a five week old in the house. Even if you are EBF etc why doesn't he want to spend time with you and your precious new daughter?

GabriellaMontez · 25/07/2022 09:58

He's a prick.

How is he not paying half the rent?

Just get rid of him.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 09:59

This reply has been deleted

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Maytodecember · 25/07/2022 10:02

DangerouslyBored · 25/07/2022 09:28

  1. your DH is a mega cunt
  2. stop with the breast feeding guilt
  3. enjoy your beautiful little girl, I hope she feels better soon 💕

^^ This.
He is a waste of space in your life.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/07/2022 10:03

🌸

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 10:04

@Doisaysomethingornot

males can also struggle with pnd.

Aaaaaaargh no they do not. Men may suffer with situational depression following the birth of a child, but they cannot suffer with 'PND' (postnatal depression) because they are not postnatal. They don't give birth. PND is about the hormonal upheaval of pregnancy and birth, and can be exacerbated by additional stresses and traumas. It is not, and not in any way comparable to, the 'oh shit my whole life just changed' type depression both men AND womnen can feel after giving birth.

This gives me the rage. When you generalise something to the point it has no meaning whatsoever it dilutes and despecifies the support mothers with PND desperately need.

Miathecat · 25/07/2022 10:06

Haven’t read everything you’ve tried but one of my boys was dairy intolerant (constantly throwing up) and the other was lactose intolerant (sounds similar as he seemed in a huge amount of pain after feeding) couldn’t breastfeed as he would twist away after a few minutes due to the pain. I was given prescription formula for them both from the doctor, maybe try pushing for the lactofree one it was a game changer as infocol etc did nothing

Becca95 · 25/07/2022 10:07

The GP prescribed baby gaviscon and has referred her on to check for allergies, he said to try the gaviscon first then wait for a few weeks and if no improvement he will refer. I said no refer her today please as she could be waiting a while to be seen, else she’ll be waiting longer. If she ends up not needing it I will cancel but I don’t want to prolong her wait.

As for him, I'm taking baby out for a walk now as thought I'd get coffee in Costa as she will sleep after a walk so I'll grab breakfast. I woke him up to let him know we were leaving and he said I didn't need to wake him up to tell him that. I just said I also woke you up to tell you there's a suitcase under the bed incase you needed it to pack.

OP posts:
Becca95 · 25/07/2022 10:08

The gp said he doesn't know what to prescribe formula wise from the top of his head and that I should ask the health visitor ... It was the same one as last time.

OP posts:
PhilInt · 25/07/2022 10:11

Well done OP, good riddance!

WB205020 · 25/07/2022 10:11

@Becca95 I wouldnt normally say this but it does sound like a break from each other would be welcome. It may make him realise what he is missing out on. Do you have your mum close by? Could she help at all?!

I would tell him he needs to leave today and find somewhere else to stay for the next week at least. Have a break and see how you feel without him there. See how he feels. He may get a lightning bolt and realise he needs to step up.

DotBall · 25/07/2022 10:11

Well done, stay strong. You haven’t got brain space to manage this lazy bugger.
If his suitcase isn’t out when you get back, start it for him.
If you need backup, get a relative or friend over.
Tell him he’s out, and mean it.
You will be upset, but so relieved of the emotional weight in time.

Cherrysoup · 25/07/2022 10:11

If you’re not married, you can ask him to leave immediately. Why does he not pay rent? I can well imagine he’s reluctant to go because he’s a cocklodger.

HappyMediocreTime · 25/07/2022 10:11

good luck OP. He's had what many parents would dream of - the opportunity to spend eight weeks with his partner and baby seeing all those early moments. My husband would've loved it.

You don't need someone who will only drag you down.

SpiderVersed · 25/07/2022 10:12

Obviously yes, he’s a asshole.

On more practical matters, buy yourself loads of things you can eat on the fly - sandwiches, wraps, pots of salad, prepared fruit, bananas, smoothies, Babybel etc. Stuff you can eat one-handed with a baby on your shoulder/hip. You need to keep your energy levels up.

Bugger the breastfeeding guilt. It does neither you nor your daughter any good. My breastfeeding actually caused my baby’s digestive problems because he reacted to the caffeine in my tea and the amount of fibre I ate, so at least you’ve eliminated one possible source of digestive issues.

I found a sling an enormous help soothing my babies so I hope it’s good for you too.

Ditch the butthead bloke, and best of luck to you and your daughter.

Completelyovernonsense · 25/07/2022 10:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/07/2022 10:13

Start to prioritise yourself as well as your daughter op

make yourself food and eat it

if she cries, so?? She’ll be ok.

BeeAFreeBird · 25/07/2022 10:15

He is a twit! Whether it could be worse is irrelevant. It’s awful and that’s enough.

Loved the glorious dignity you showed for yourself and your child when you said:

“when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.”

Bravo!

What he’s doing at the minute is setting out his stall. By refusing to do anything to help he’s putting down an early marker that parenting is your job. By berating and insulting you, he’s making sure you know your place. And by providing negligent care to your baby so that you will concede, he’s showing that his ego is more important to him than your child.

There are too many men who that think that once a woman has a child she’s stuck and he can call the shots and get away with what he likes. Often that’s how it play out.

But you do have choices. If he isn’t bringing a positive contribution to the table and that’s causing persistent stress and danger, it’s ok to go it alone.

If he’s throwing his toys out of the pram because your baby is getting all the attention you’re in narcissistic territory. Run!

You’ve got choices. Do what’s right for you. But don’t rush into any big decisions in the heat of the moment. Good luck with it! X

Doughnuttie · 25/07/2022 10:15

Your partner sounds like a twat. He also sadly sounds a little like my husband, although he is definitely not as bad as yours. We have a 2.5 year old and a 12 week old, he has not changed a single nappy since she’s been born or held her for more than 10 minutes at a time. He freaks out whenever she does anything more than simply lie perfectly still in his arms and thrusts her back to me. He has never helped with night feeds (I’m breastfeeding but it would have made no difference if I wasn’t) settling etc. Our daughter also had terrible reflux and colic so I used to have to hold her upright for 40 minutes - an hour after each night feed which meant I was averaging about 3/4 hours of broken sleep a night. His ‘contribution’ is that he gets up in the morning with the toddler and feeds him his breakfast before scuttling off to the toilet for his hour long coffee/poo break and heading to work. Nothing else to add but solidarity. He needs to pull his finger out and start being a dad to his daughter. Worth noting that there is also an age gap between us, I’m 26 and he’s 45. Not excusing this behaviour but I think they’ve had more time to be selfish than we have so they find it harder to adapt to not putting themselves first when children come along. breaks out tiny violin

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 25/07/2022 10:16

Prick and a cocklodger
get rid

WildOnce · 25/07/2022 10:19

Prick of the highest order.

Somethingneedstochange · 25/07/2022 10:20

I wouldn't even bother with the waste of space. He obviously doesn't want to be a dad. If it was up to him the child would starve.

LaughandGiggle · 25/07/2022 10:20

Good on you for standing up for yourself.

I have one of these. He always puts himself and his own needs first, barely lifts a finger in the house, doesn't enter his head to feed the kids and, when asked to, kicks up such a fuss about it. There's always an excuse as to why he can't do his fair share. It doesn't get any better so you're right to kick him out now.

user1497787065 · 25/07/2022 10:24

He sounds awful but I don't understand why you can't make a drink or something to eat whilst she is with you. What is the need for constant 'watching' whilst you do anything?

But still he sounds like a thoughtless moron.