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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I asking too much? ...new parents

433 replies

Becca95 · 24/07/2022 22:40

I didn't know where to post this or what to ask and I was going to wait for the health visitor to come on Tuesday. I think I am being unreasonable or maybe I'm postnatal I don't know.

I have a 5 week old baby. She's amazing. She has colic. I can cope with the crying, I don't care if she meowed or sang Christmas carols but it's her little face going bright red and the tears. She's in pain and I can't help her, all I can do is cuddle her.

I had a difficult pregnancy. There was blood loss at the beginning. Then she had fluid around her heart. Then she was measuring too large. All of these things turnt out fine...the fluid disappeared and she was born a healthy weight (their measurements were way off) after an ELCS.

Her dad. My partner. I've been with him for 8 years. I mean anyone can cuddle a baby right?

He won't take turns in the night. When he does he's mad that I've asked him to. He will wake me up on his turn (he's a teacher he has 8 weeks off work at the minute) to ask me to put the Muslin on his shoulder correctly incase she spits up he doesn't want it on him.

She's actually and okay sleeper. She will wake up at 3 ish then about 6ish. I get up with her at 6 and stay up with her and he wakes from his pit around 12. I'll ask him to do her bottle. He says he can't he's having breakfast. That's fine I do it.

Today for example. I woke with her at 6. She was unsettled this morning. Very windy and the poor thing is doing really uncomfortable poo's. He got up half 12. I'd not eaten yet. I made her bottle (breastfeeding didn't work for us...long difficult story feeling incredibly guilty) and asked if he would feed her. No he needs his breakfast. He has his breakfast. Spends ages washing up. We're now at 2....I ask can you watch her. No he wants to do his teeth ....okay no worries. 3pm comes along....would you mind watching her I've not had a coffee or anything to eat....no it's Sunday I want to go to Tesco before it closes.....okay no worries. Gets home ....could you watch her I want to get some food and maybe my coffee .... no I want to do a poo...takes his paper and disappears for his poo. He comes out and I just lost it with him. But before this May I add, I asked him to watch her whilst I made a bottle. I came back through he's watching cricket and instead of holding her he's put her on the bed and she rolled onto her front ! And he just said "oops" and then holds her. So I've said right I'm going to Costa .... alone. But I didn't I was outside the house with my coffee in my corkicle flask....I was outside for 55 agonising minutes. When I come in my babies inconsolable, so I've cuddled her and I said to him she can pick up on this toxic environment . And he said to me "she would do when her mum f**ks off for 3 hours" ....so I show him my ring doorbell footage. I was just under 56 minutes in total....suddenly "it's not about the time" and that if I'm going to complain about it I should've have become a mother. I wasn't ready to be a mother and all this poison he's come out with.

I've told him to leave. I said to him when I stop needing you it's one thing, but when she stops needing you your nothing but a squatter.

His response is if you want someone who goes out and cheats or slaps you about then go and get it, it could be worse.

Is he just laid back or is he a prick.

OP posts:
SillySausage81 · 25/07/2022 09:02

oakleaffy · 25/07/2022 00:31

@Becca95
My old Health Visitor said that many men are hopeless with babies, That they tend to bond with them when they are “Able to do things, like ride on Dad’s shoulders “

Young babies do generally place a strain on relationships, and personally my DH was hopeless when our DS was sick, or bawled, or needed a nappy change.

I have seen men really come into their own when their children are a little older.

I’d never leave a screaming baby with anyone- Just not worth the risk.

Yes, but any decent man even if he doesn't really "get" the baby will still be able to focus his energy on helping out his wife. Doing things so that SHE's not run ragged. He is flat out refusing to even do things to help HER, and being very nasty about it too. Absolute bastard.

WhenDovesFly · 25/07/2022 09:04

OP, despite everything you've got going on, you sound like a wonderful mother to your baby and your DD is lucky to have such a caring parent (thank goodness she has at least one!) It also seems like you have your head screwed on with regards to getting rid of your useless partner and figuring out what's best with regards to transport/accommodations.

I can tell you'll just thrive once you have this deadweight off your conscience.

KaloolaDeBue · 25/07/2022 09:09

I cannot get over how selfish he is, truly. But you also need to stop saying fine and tell him no, it is not fine. He needs to make a bottle, no he cannot go to the shops, hand the baby over and go for a shower. Do this today, wake him up, stop letting him lie in. You never get one why the hell should he?

He did go into one last night about his rights regarding moving out he doesn't have any rights, he isn't on the tenancy and remind him of that. If he doesn't step up then I would give him notice to leave. Does he have anywhere he could go immediately? A parent? A friend?

You are doing this all by yourself anyway. A parent puts their child's needs above their own but you also need to look after yourself with showering and getting yourself meals. Do you have any friends who can support you? Or your Mum again?

thethoughtfox · 25/07/2022 09:20

We had lots of reflux and switched to Hipp Organic formula and the Dr Brown bottles. did this and put a book under the top of her mattress to elevate a little and it fixed the problem.

Becca95 · 25/07/2022 09:22

@thethoughtfox
I've heard about the Hipp organic and it's been mentioned a few times - I'm going to get this for her today

OP posts:
MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 09:25

@oakleaffy

My old Health Visitor said that many men are hopeless with babies, That they tend to bond with them when they are “Able to do things, like ride on Dad’s shoulders “

But you don't have to be 'bonded' to your baby to look after it for 10 mins while her mum has a wash, and you don't have to be 'bonded' to your baby not to be a prick to your partner. Please don't make excuses for him. He's a wanker.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 09:26

Becca95 · Today 09:22
@thethoughtfox
I've heard about the Hipp organic and it's been mentioned a few times - I'm going to get this for her today

Just to point out if it is CMPA HIPP will make no deifference because it's still made with cow's milk.

SillySausage81 · 25/07/2022 09:26

When he does things like get up at midday and have a leisurely breakfast, do you actually say to him things like "I've been up for 6 hours and haven't had breakfast yet,", "No, it's my turn to have breakfast first," "when do I get to lay down and rest?" "You've had a 6-hour lie-in so now it's my turn"?

Your response to him asking you to prep the bottle for him should have been "no, I have to prep my own bottles so you can too". and, "you're off work for 8 weeks, that means we should be parenting exactly 50-50 for these 8 weeks".

I know it ought to be obvious, but it's not to everyone. And even if he doesn't start to get it, at least he won't be able to claim you left a happy relationship for no reason.

DangerouslyBored · 25/07/2022 09:28
  1. your DH is a mega cunt
  2. stop with the breast feeding guilt
  3. enjoy your beautiful little girl, I hope she feels better soon 💕
Goldbar · 25/07/2022 09:29

You're doing fantastically. It's tough but you've got this.

He's really taking you for a ride, isn't he? He's living largely expense-free in your home and not contributing at all.

If you want him out, he has no more rights than a lodger. And it's not your problem whether or not he has somewhere to go. Ffs, he's an adult with a job, he can sort himself out.

jammiewhammie65 · 25/07/2022 09:30

Omg no he is absolutely useless. Stick to your guns you may aswell be doing this alone. You sound like a great mum by the way Pity her dad is carrying on like a teenage brother and a useless one at that.

LivingOnAnIsland · 25/07/2022 09:30

The best thing about having a useless husband is, when he walks out you won't notice the difference.

Whatever00 · 25/07/2022 09:32

He is a nasty, lazy, selfish wanker. He is projecting his shit on you. The only one who clearly isn't ready to be a parent is him. I would normally say don't make any rash decisions so close to having a baby. However, in this case I would ditch the bastard now. He adds nothing to your life.

With the baby I think you need to consider cows milk allergy. You can buy milk over the counter and trial it. If it works you could get the GP to proscribe it. I would get a baby carrier. It will help with the wind and give you arms free. Have you tried baby massage? There are great ones for wind. Also bicycle legs help. Also get a baby bouncer. Pop baby in there in the bathroom when you shower. So you can see them it they are crying but know they are safe and secure. One last thing. I honestly does get easier.

BeardyButton · 25/07/2022 09:32

Leave this guy. That’s it really! It’s not going to get better.

life will be harder in some ways w one income…. But so much easier in most ways.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 09:32

@Becca95

It worst comes to worse I'll just serve notice on the lease and move somewhere else local.

DO NOT DO THIS!!! He has no rights. None. He is in your home on sufferance. He has paid no rent, he has signed no lease, he has no right to be there the second you say you don't want him there. Where was he living beofre? I will bet my house to a bunch of bananas it was at his mum's or a shitty post-student houseshare. Let him fuck off back there. DO NOT leave the home you like and have lived in for years because of him!!! You do not need the stress of moving with a young baby.

Don't suppose you have any burly family or friends you can cvall along to chuck him out?

Also, I guess it may be too late for this but if you haven't yet done the birth certificate DO NOT PUT HIM ON IT. You are not married, until you add his name to that certificate he has no parental rights to your DD and I'd be doing my best to keep it that way if I were you. He's a leech and will do neither of you any good.

DangerouslyBored · 25/07/2022 09:32

personally my DH was hopeless when our DS was sick, or bawled, or needed a nappy change

🙄

Why is your bar is set so low? If my DH was ‘hopeless’ when my baby cried or needed his nappy changed, I would LTB. How utterly pathetic of him. OP, don’t accept any of this shit.

RealBecca · 25/07/2022 09:33

I've noticed you arent piling on the comments about him being awful. perhaps you have genuinely decided to dump him?

Someone on here once said relationships tend to be great before baby because the man puts himself first and the woman is often happy to do that too. Then baby is born and her priorities shift but his dont and thats where the tension comes from.

He obviously thinks being a dad is letting you do the hard work and him putting up the odd facebook picture of him holding the baby with a #blessed quote.

Children get harder not easier, at least until school age. You said yourself you were calmer without him and that rubbed of on baby. Whatever he says, he wont want access in any meaningful way as it would disrupt "his" weekends. So dont worry about leaving baby alone with him if you split. Good luck. Babies are hard work and get all the support you can without him putting you down for it whilst doing fuck all himself. I noticed you didn't talk about his parents. what are they like? Involved? Did his mummy do everything for him now his expectation is that you'll do the same for baby? X

brookstar · 25/07/2022 09:34

He sounds awful. You would definitely be better off without him.

With regards your daughter, she sounds like my DS. Speak to the doctor about the possibility of beinglactose intolerant- we put DS on lactose free formula and it made a huge difference.
They doctors even prescribed it for him and it saved us a fortune.
Good luck x

Butteryflakycrust83 · 25/07/2022 09:35

This thread made me so sad. He is being a selfish son of a bitch. What is he adding to your life? Love? Care? Attention?

I would ask myself if I wanted my child to grow up around a person like that.

Solidarity, I had a baby I couldnt put down either!

CatwomanlovesJoker · 25/07/2022 09:36

He's a prick. You've had your lovely baby with the wrong man. I hope things improve. My husband said he's a prick to when I read this out to him. Anyone can make a baby but it takes someone special to be a father. You sound great. Congratulations and I hope he either improves or you can get out of this pointless relationship. A decent bloke wouldn't behave like this with his newborn believe me, he's a spoilt brat. King Prick

Hugasauras · 25/07/2022 09:37

What a prick.

I also have a five-week-old.

My husband:

•Gets up with DD1 every morning, got her dressed, breakfasted, off to nursery.
•Did almost all the housework while he was on paternity leave: laundry, cleaning my pump parts and bottles, etc. He still does the lion's share now he's back at work.
•Took DD2 whenever needed so I could shower, have a coffee in peace, etc.
•Brings me tea, snacks, whatever I need when I pinned to sofa feeding

Sorry you've ended up with such a useless excuse for a partner Sad

HangOnToYourself · 25/07/2022 09:38

He doesnt have any rights to your flat, if he refuses to leave get the locks changes while he is out and throw his bags outside. Tell him to crack on with invoking his "rights" (and call the police if necessary).

Hugasauras · 25/07/2022 09:40

On the formula front, DD is BF now but we did top up with formula a bit in the first couple of weeks and Kendamil is the best one we've used. Smells like actual milk, not as hideous as some of the other formulas smell, and seemed a lot gentler on DD's tummy. She barfed up Hipp and Aptamil and they gave her super stinky farts, but she tolerates the Kendamil really well.

Galvanisethis · 25/07/2022 09:43

So many men are like this. You only realise after you've had a baby with them what selfish pricks they are! Sadly, it's too late then and you're stuck with them in your life forever and the constant disappointments as they let your child down all the time. I had similar issues and I said to myself that he will not ruin this magical time in my life. I'm going to love every minute and not have it spoilt by this selfish man baby. I did enjoy the time and still feel happy, looking back, despite all of the chaos he tried to create. He left us a few times and went to stay with friends because I was out of control, crazy, aggressive (in fact, this was him) and I stayed with my baby and have peaceful and happy memories . It wasn't ideal of course, it was sad that he tried to ruin this time but I didn't let him and don't let him ruin yours. Close him off and just think if yourself as a single parent.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 25/07/2022 09:49

Rolling @ 5 weeks?!… 🙄I would be highly suspicious of his story here, he probably put her on her front, face down onto duvet. Lazy at best, dangerous AF at worst.

My youngest could roll at 2 weeks. She was always big and strong. Not all babies are the same just fyi.

Just saying we don't have to monster him by making things up. He's already a monster.

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