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For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

655 replies

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

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PeasOff · 24/07/2022 20:54

@worriedatthistime I've done both as well.

Just because someone is a working parent doesn't mean they're not looking after their child (just because they're under a certain age) which is what you insinuated.

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:54

@SaltyCrisp

Do working parents not prioritise their kids?

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 20:54

malika3 · 24/07/2022 20:47

Topgub - Again, it's not like that. Believe what you want if it makes you feel better, but it's not true. Nobody I know "married a rich man." Most of us met our husbands at uni, or shortly after.

Often the whole point of the SAHM model is to increase the family wealth so that everyone financially benefits long-term.

Some men have the potential to be very successful (financially). More wealth leads to different pressures and different priorities. Where that situation evolves, there will be more SAHMs, simply because the choice is there. If the choice wasn't there, then they'd be working!

Some people have the potential to be successful. Fixed your horribly sexist comment for you!

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malika3 · 24/07/2022 20:54

Honestly, most SAHMs I know would just read all this frothing and laugh.

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 20:54

You can be a SAHM and ambitious. You're just prioritising your children by being home with them in the early years

Of course you can and everyone outside of MN acknowledges that, it doesn't fit the narrative on here for those too narrow minded to appreciate others just prioritise other things for a while

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ihavenocats · 24/07/2022 20:54

Yes.
Yes.

I think depending on your family unit is great. But always have a contingency plan in place, for everything.

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Goldbar · 24/07/2022 20:54

Having children makes you financially vulnerable, SAHP or not. What cushions this is the availability of substantial assets in case of a relationship breakdown.

If you're a SAHP, you're financially vulnerable if your relationship breaks down as you don't have a job and your earning potential may be reduced.

But if you're a working parent and have reached that Mumsnet holy grail - an equal split of childcare duties alongside full-time work - you're also financially vulnerable if the partner who used to do 50% of pick-ups and childcare etc. fucks off and you have to buy in services to cover the slack.

Equally, you're also financially vulnerable if you're in a shit relationship where both of you work but your partner doesn't pull their weight, as realistically that means your job has to flex around childcare/sick days etc. which reduces your earning potential.

The degree of vulnerability depends on the circumstances and assets available imo. I wouldn't say that a SAHM in a relatively wealthy family with thousands in property, savings and ISAs is more vulnerable than a working parent who works nights and relies on her partner to care for the children while she does this.

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:55

@malika3

Surely two 'successful' higher earning jobs brings in more income than 1?

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Bowtique · 24/07/2022 20:55

@worriedatthistime I’m glad you are obviously not married to one of these men.

Or one who has left you and screwed your over financially.

Well done you.

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autienotnaughty · 24/07/2022 20:55

Yes I work v part time. My dh pays more into his pension that my wage per month. He provides for us and I care for our disabled son. I worry if he died as I only have a small pension.

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prepared101 · 24/07/2022 20:55

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:47

@prepared101 gutted they didn't work so their happiness isn't whats most important to you ?
You value money more
So if your daughter or son in law wanted to be a sahm and thats what they wanted and worked for them you would be gutted and much rather one of them went to work and was unhappy ?

I value my financial independence and giving them every opportunity that offers.

Would I be gutted if they used their experiences and education to stay at home and be someone's wife? Yes, I would.

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 20:56

@Youdoyoutoday I am not the one moaning a subject of boring yet giving it traffic 🙄

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PeasOff · 24/07/2022 20:56

@Youdoyoutoday and yet... here you are reading and commenting! 😁

First post on here has gone down a treat!

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:56

@Topgub more men don't do it as more often its to do with salaries , it is changing and more men take on some of childcare and I know a few who would love to stay home but finances dictate its not possible
For many now it has to be 2 salaries that hasn't always been the case
In my work place as many of the men do school runs as the women as we have flexi working so it makes it easier
But still around people I know more women want to stay home especially when babies as may be bf so easier , plan on number 2 quite soon so going back feels very short term
Times are changing slowly and i think its a same we don't have the opportunity for parents to be able to have more time off with kids if wanted

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 20:57

Honestly, most SAHMs I know would just read all this frothing and laugh

Because it is ridiculous to read.
People on hear then like to twist in as if SAHM feel the need to justify their decisions (they are simply responding to questions) or they say how angry SAHP get , again rubbish, most dont care what others thibk as their choices are considered ones.

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:57

@prepared101 but their happiness isn't a concern ? You seem to not care what they want just what you want for them

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BungleandGeorge · 24/07/2022 20:58

It’s ok for people to have different priorities, it’s really nothing to do with anyone else. No i don’t think it’s necessarily the case that SAHM make themselves vulnerable financially, it depends a lot on circumstances. You could also argue that a lot of life choices can make you vulnerable financially- getting married, choice of career, getting pets, buying the wrong property but ultimately life is for living not everything can be a purely financial decision

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prepared101 · 24/07/2022 20:59

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:57

@prepared101 but their happiness isn't a concern ? You seem to not care what they want just what you want for them

Why do you think all SAHPs are happy? Do you think working parents are mostly unhappy?

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:59

@Topgub but not everyone is a high earner you know
You still want your bin emptied and to have nursing care don't you
So someone on £23000 taking a couple years out is very different to someone on £60000 , we can't all have well paid jobs

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Silverswirl · 24/07/2022 20:59

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

I’ve been a SAHM for many years. But it’s something I’ve always very strongly wanted to do.
Had 3 children and been with DH for 13 years before kids were born.
DH earns very well. Anything I could earn after we paid for childcare would be only marginally more.
DH has to be at work though- can never take a day off short notice for a poorly child, has only ever made sports day once and never any assemblies etc. Hardly ever done school drop off or pick up. Is at work or commuting from 7am-8pm so it’s all me, all the time with the kids.
Its been hard work. Very hard at times but I have absolutely loved it. Best time of my life and I don’t want it to end.
Yes I know I’m financially vulnerable but it’s 100% worth it for me. Personally for me, I could never have not looked after them all day or sent them to someone else, or missed any of the school things where parents go in to watch / help.
Ive done the absolute maximum I possibly can with them so far, spent the maximum about of time, not missed a single thing and for me that is priceless Even if I was bankrupt later on in life it would have been worth it.

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 21:00

@worriedatthistime

There's no reason should be earning more than women other than sexism

Having a sahm just entrenches the pay gap

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:01

@prepared101 no I think people being able to do what they want is the right thing and not being judged by it
I know happy sahp and not so happy and same for working parents ,but what most find hard to deal with is the judgement
Ie sahm you must be bored and silly
Working parent , why have kids
Instead of people just realising we have different wants and needs and its perfectly fine for people to do wha works for their family and others should maybe be less judgemental

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malika3 · 24/07/2022 21:02

"Some people have the potential to be successful. Fixed your horribly sexist comment for you!"

Yes some PEOPLE have the potential to be financially successful. Obviously. But we are talking about families with SAHMs aren't we? So that would be the husband then.

FWIW, a good friend of mine who earns a lot (not sure how much exactly but it's probably £600k or more) - her husband is a SAHD. Previously he was on about £100k, but the stress of two parents doing the hours / travel that those type of jobs require, didn't feel sustainable. They had a nanny for a while, but it all got too much. So he is a SAHD, because they can easily afford it and it's better for the whole family. And he's not financially vulnerable because they have loads of property and investments.

This is how it works. He hardly needs anybody's concern and neither do most SAHMs, if the truth be known.

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canyoutoleratethis · 24/07/2022 21:02

@Topgub

Actually no, my DH is gutted to miss out and if we could share being at home, we would, so I'm not sure what your point is? Better paternity policies would therefore get my vote, as it's not possible in his workplace to go part time, but at least one of us is here with her. Better one of us than a stranger.

I'm also not sure why you think leaving her at 4 is the same as leaving her at 1? At 4 she'll be ready for school (and at 5 it is a legal requirement), so obviously she'll be there during the day. Younger than that and of course it's very different, hence why they don't start school earlier. So again, I'm not sure what your point is.

I think you thought you had some kind of 'gotcha' points, but fell kind of flat instead

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 21:02

@worriedatthistime

I didnt say everyone could be a higher earner?

@malika3 made the sexist assumption that men can be and need a sahm to support them

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