Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

655 replies

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

OP posts:
Report
Please
or
to access all these features

springisaroundthecorner · 24/07/2022 20:37

I have no choice. A teenager with SEN and my mum's needs . Carer allowance of £69.a week means I have no pension or savings in

Please
or
to access all these features

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 24/07/2022 20:41

I was a SAHM.
I looked after the children and did much of the daily chores.
I went back to work when children went to school.

It never occurred to us that one earned all the money and that the other one was reliant.
No parental help due to living too far away.
No wrap around care as it didn't exist.

However, people don't generally stay married anymore, for whatever reason, so it makes financial sense to ensure that you can take care of yourself.

Different times and different attitudes to relationships.

Please
or
to access all these features

Bowtique · 24/07/2022 20:42

@worriedatthistime

Absolutely not but this is a very real issue and I’ve seen this happen time and time again, to some very intelligent friends of mine. I’m an academic and have lots of friends in academia and healthcare. Friends who thought they’d keep up with CPD when being a SAHM but of course it fell at the wayside.

The biggest contributor is men, men who, upon getting a SAHW absolve themselves of any parental responsibility at all because that is her job. Meaning that women have no time to be anything other than a wife and mother. That doesn’t happen if you work and split child/home responsibilities. It has other foibles of course but I think time away from your children/husband is important. For me, using my brain in ways that I don’t when with my children is also important. I’m not allowed to say that but don’t find playing and entertaining my kids (which I do very well) intellectually stimulating enough to keep me sane.

I also think that being a SAHP can be a very stressful and lonely existence and I have seen friends lose confidence. That lack of confidence has a big impact on their ability to regain employment.

Please
or
to access all these features

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:42

Also some of you come from too privileged a position, you realise many couples can't actually pay into private pensions with both working etc or save for a rainy day as they can just about cover the bills
Universal credit is majority claimed by working parents to help top up and live
Years back when the kids were little and I was back in work ,if myself and dh had split up the reality is both of us would have nothing as we had just had enough to live and pay essentials give the kids nice things
We aren't all in six figure jobs with lots of money around us

Please
or
to access all these features

prepared101 · 24/07/2022 20:43

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:34

@prepared101 why can't you accept that some do want to stay home though and thats fine its not for you but it is for others
Yes you look after your kids when you work but not 24/7 so its not exactly the same
But just because you didn't want to do it doesn't mean people who have are lesser than you

Wanting something doesn't remove the risk.

I have daughters and honestly, I'd be gutted if they didn't work or if they married a partner who didn't want to work.

It's my opinion (and why people post on here; to gather others' opinions...!)

Please
or
to access all these features

saraclara · 24/07/2022 20:44

What does bf have to do with being a sahp?

@Topgub I breast fed both my children for at least twelve months, and there was 21 months between them. So I needed to be the parent at home during that period of about three years. Theoretically my DH could have taken over after that, but I was enjoying being home with the girls too much to give it up.

And as I said before, back in the mid '80s, expressing as a day to day feeding option simply wasn't a thing. Even getting hold of a breast pump for emergency feeds wasn't easy. When making a decision about who stayed home, that wasn't available as a factor

Please
or
to access all these features

SaltyCrisp · 24/07/2022 20:44

Like a PP, I’ve advised my sons to marry ambitious women

You can be a SAHM and ambitious. You're just prioritising your children by being home with them in the early years.

Please
or
to access all these features

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:45

@Bowtique thats some people you know not all
You can study as well if a sahm if thats what you want , kids do sleep etc
Being with my kids and teaching them was rewarding enough for me and i still had intellectual conversations with friends etc
So it wasn't for you but if I was to say to you that why have kids to let someone else look after them , you would rightly be offended so why is ok for you to make general assumptions

Please
or
to access all these features

malika3 · 24/07/2022 20:47

Topgub - Again, it's not like that. Believe what you want if it makes you feel better, but it's not true. Nobody I know "married a rich man." Most of us met our husbands at uni, or shortly after.

Often the whole point of the SAHM model is to increase the family wealth so that everyone financially benefits long-term.

Some men have the potential to be very successful (financially). More wealth leads to different pressures and different priorities. Where that situation evolves, there will be more SAHMs, simply because the choice is there. If the choice wasn't there, then they'd be working!

Please
or
to access all these features

WibblyWobblyLane · 24/07/2022 20:47

On the flip side, family court wanted me to give up my job and go on benefits when I split from exh. That was there solution to me not being able to afford rent in London and childcare in London on a single salary (I wanted to relocate to keep a roof over our heads). I would have been better off being a sahm and being able to claim spousal support.

Please
or
to access all these features

canyoutoleratethis · 24/07/2022 20:47

Oh great, it's another one of these threads.

I'm a SAHM and I can't for the life of me understand why people leave their babies for a stranger to look after for the majority of the week. It's your child ffs, and you leave it at the nursery gates and return 8 hours later. It's horrifying.

You see, we all make choices based on our own priorities. I wouldn't trade this time with my DD for anything. I've been there for every milestone and enjoyed the most amazing of memories. I've had a very successful career and deliberately waited to have my child when I was able to be there for her 100%. And I can go back to work when she's at school knowing she's had the absolute best start in her life, and that's priceless in my opinion

Please
or
to access all these features

WibblyWobblyLane · 24/07/2022 20:47

*their

Please
or
to access all these features

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:47

@prepared101 gutted they didn't work so their happiness isn't whats most important to you ?
You value money more
So if your daughter or son in law wanted to be a sahm and thats what they wanted and worked for them you would be gutted and much rather one of them went to work and was unhappy ?

Please
or
to access all these features

Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:47

@saraclara

OK but I didnt ask about your individual choice.

I asked why if being a sahp doesn't make you vulnerable or harm your career as your first out implied, why more men don't do it.

I dont think the answer is bf.

I think its a sexist society and women not wanting to share care and men not wanting to harm their careers

Please
or
to access all these features

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 20:48

@worriedatthistime So are you not looking after your kids once they are of school age then?

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Bowtique · 24/07/2022 20:48

@worriedatthistime

It’s perfectly fine for me to relay my anecdotal experience and it’s totally fine for you to relay yours.

Im not sure what assumptions you think I’ve made in doing that. I’ve not presented anything as fact. All experiences are relevant though.

Please
or
to access all these features

Vallmo47 · 24/07/2022 20:49

Oh, wow, this again….

Please
or
to access all these features

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 24/07/2022 20:49

I am a housewife and home ed our daughter. We have a joint account and each have properties in our own names so should the worst happen we have a house to move out to or sell for money. Both have seperate pension pots but joint savings.

Please
or
to access all these features

Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:50

@canyoutoleratethis

I take it your kids dad was ok with missing out on the milestones and the amazing memories?

How come you're ok with leaving your precious child for 6 hours a day once they hit 4?

Please
or
to access all these features

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:50

@Bowtique ye syou have you basically said then men absolve themselves from all the care etc , assumptions based on some friends but not on all sahm and you are trying to put down sahm however you want to dress it up

Please
or
to access all these features

saraclara · 24/07/2022 20:51

I also think that being a SAHP can be a very stressful and lonely existence and I have seen friends lose confidence.

Surely if someone finds it lonely and stressful, they stop doing it?

You don't seem to be able to imagine a woman feeling differently from you. Some people enjoy it, so do it. I loved it, had an active daytime social life, and it was a very happy five years.

Life for my daughters generation is different. My DD and mother of my two year old DGD doesn't have the option. It takes two salaries to keep a roof over her family's head, as is the case for most. She doesn't have the choice that I did (and nor does her DH).

Please
or
to access all these features

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 20:52

@malika3Often the whole point of the SAHM model is to increase the family wealth so that everyone financially benefits long-term.

That's not true at all. Often women become SAHP because they 'will be worse off' after paying childcare/because their partner has a bigger earning potential/women should be PCGs.

Your last sentence is very sexist

OP posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:52

@PeasOff of course im looking after them when at school but its very different being a sahm 24/7 to a working mum as someone who has done both I can compare

Please
or
to access all these features

Bowtique · 24/07/2022 20:52

@worriedatthistime but some men do!!

Please
or
to access all these features

Youdoyoutoday · 24/07/2022 20:53

TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 20:26

Yet you are helping this thread by commenting...

As are you!!

But it's so boring.... this topic!!

I don't want to talk to other mums at the school gates!

Builder used my toilet!

Neighbours child is enjoying the paddling pool!

MIL is really annoying by asking how I am!

MIL is really annoying by not asking how I am!!

OMG... SOMEONE WHO I DONT KNOW, RANG MY DOORBELL!!!! BUT IT'S OK BECAUSE I DIDNT ANSWER AS I WASNT EXPECTING IT!!

....Or was the delivery driver a twat for not delivering to me even though I was expecting a delivery but because he knocked on the door rather than actually ringing the door bell..... yahdah... yahdah.... yahdah!!

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?