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For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

655 replies

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 21:02

And we are off !!
Entrenching the pay gap ....tick

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sst1234 · 24/07/2022 21:03

There is a sad irony in the choice to be a SAHM. At least for some. Wait, wait, hear me out.

It perpetuates the situation that you can’t be a good parent and focus on your career. It keeps the same old stereotypes going in the workplace that you can either be a present parent or an effective worker - at least where salaried workers are concerned who are expected (wrongly) to follow the presenteeism culture. When women choose to drop out of the workforce to ‘focus’ on motherhood, it just gives that presenteeism work culture a free pass.

Of course there are exceptions where women simply want to give 100% of their time to children.

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PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:03

@Silverswirl I'm glad you feel that way (truly - no sarcasm intended).

Does your DH not wish he could do those things? Are you not resentful for the lack of support with childcare?

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Youdoyoutoday · 24/07/2022 21:03

Oh yes, I am a SAHM but "worth" far more than my working DH financially.
He earns "more" as he works but I'm sitting on about £900k worth of property all in my name.

It really fucks me off this topic is bought up every day like we've all been fucking stupid by having a baby!! Not all of us are brain dead financially!!

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:04

@Topgub it can also depend on the job, my dh earns more than me as he does a more senior role, his boss a female earns more than him
Personally I am at a level where i am happy with and don't want more responsibility and accept my earning potential stays put, my dh is also of same opinion he has gone as high as he wants
I work in an industry that is very mixed and salaries are paid per position not on wether male or female and its cHanging in lots of areas , especially lower paid jobs
A postie or bin man/ women gets paid same regardless

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Goldbar · 24/07/2022 21:04

Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:55

@malika3

Surely two 'successful' higher earning jobs brings in more income than 1?

It depends on the job. A partner in a city law firm or a senior investment banker will usually earn many times more than a solicitor working in-house or in a regional practice or an accountant. And those are jobs where the expectation is 24/7 availability so difficult to combine with a family if your spouse or partner is also doing the same job.

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 21:06

malika3 · 24/07/2022 21:02

"Some people have the potential to be successful. Fixed your horribly sexist comment for you!"

Yes some PEOPLE have the potential to be financially successful. Obviously. But we are talking about families with SAHMs aren't we? So that would be the husband then.

FWIW, a good friend of mine who earns a lot (not sure how much exactly but it's probably £600k or more) - her husband is a SAHD. Previously he was on about £100k, but the stress of two parents doing the hours / travel that those type of jobs require, didn't feel sustainable. They had a nanny for a while, but it all got too much. So he is a SAHD, because they can easily afford it and it's better for the whole family. And he's not financially vulnerable because they have loads of property and investments.

This is how it works. He hardly needs anybody's concern and neither do most SAHMs, if the truth be known.

You are very naive if you think all SAHMs are in wealthy households!

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PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:06

@tiggergoesbounce well it does. To say otherwise is disingenuous.

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Bowtique · 24/07/2022 21:07

@saraclara I don’t doubt being a SAHM is fab for some people and often works. I know plenty of happy SAHM.

That doesn’t mean I can’t weigh up all of the pros and cons (in today’s society) and come to the conclusion that it’s probably not the most sensible decision in a lot of circumstances and use my own anecdotal evidence to back that up.

Bear in mind that I made that decision myself a few years back and I feel
confident in it. If people want to convince me that I shouldn’t be then the argument tends to be that I am somehow failing my children by putting them in childcare. That argument has been made on this thread and it is quite frankly, revolting.

Someone who believes that Mum working is more sensible will tend to use the financial/work argument. Someone who thinks that SAHM is better will often just insinuate that they are a better parent because they couldn’t bear to let someone else raise their child.

Do what works for you but taking EVERYTHING into consideration.

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 21:08

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:06

@tiggergoesbounce well it does. To say otherwise is disingenuous.

Pre Covid the gender pay gap was expected to disappear in 60 years now it is 90. That's depressing!

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PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:08

@TartanGirl1 a lot of SAHMs are SAHMs because of poor financial circumstances.

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FunDragon · 24/07/2022 21:08

SaltyCrisp · 24/07/2022 20:44

Like a PP, I’ve advised my sons to marry ambitious women

You can be a SAHM and ambitious. You're just prioritising your children by being home with them in the early years.

I’m sure it’s possible, but I’ve personally never met an ambitious SAHP. I do know women who achieved well prior to having children but decided that children were their ticket out of the workforce. I also know women who never really got anywhere career-wise and decided children were their ticket out of the workforce.

If you’re ambitious but want to spend time with your children the obvious thing to do is to go PT isn’t it? Keep your hand in while spending more time with the kids. Get some pension contributions. Then you can dial up work if you need to for any reason. I know tons of women who’ve done that.

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prepared101 · 24/07/2022 21:08

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:01

@prepared101 no I think people being able to do what they want is the right thing and not being judged by it
I know happy sahp and not so happy and same for working parents ,but what most find hard to deal with is the judgement
Ie sahm you must be bored and silly
Working parent , why have kids
Instead of people just realising we have different wants and needs and its perfectly fine for people to do wha works for their family and others should maybe be less judgemental

You are the only one who has expressed any of those things.

Project all you like but don't misquote me.

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PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:09

It really is.

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ihavenocats · 24/07/2022 21:09

TeenDivided · 24/07/2022 19:35

I can't imagine the pressure on the working parent to be the sole provider of income (most SAHP don't have partners earning six figures) and I don't see how that can be healthy for a relationship. Looking after your own children is not comparable to working (believe it or not us working parents also have to look after our kids, clean the house, do the shopping etc etc)

But Having a SAHP also reduces stress as there is someone there when children are ill, and in the summer holidays, and to get jobs done in the week freeing up more relaxing time at the weekend.

Each to their own to do what works best for them / hat they feel they need to do.
Let's let people make their own choices.

Exactly. My husband does F-all housework and comes home to either work on work stuff or chill. I don't want him doing housework or cooking and I definitely don't want to have to work. I do work as I choose to and can do so from home around what I do here. I love being at home and don't miss going out to work. My husband doesn't like housework and wants a career and to make lots of money. leave him to it. I worked full-time before I had my child and after I had her I was just done with work, I didn't give a crap about what was going on at work and wanted to immerse myself in her life, and I don't regret that.

Now she's going to school I'll have more free time and I'll use it to try and increase what I can do from home but I never want to be back in the workplace. I'd only ever volunteer or consult in the future. Being employed was hell for me, but I get that some people love it and feel valued at work.

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:10

@Youdoyoutoday exactly and like those of who chose to sahm are somehow less interesting or able to cope
For some people shock horror even some who don't have kids a career is not important to them
Some don't want to work 80
Hrs a week and have a lot of stress , whilst others thrive on it
I have reached my limit I have a job with medium responsibility and I don't want to climb the ladder as my work life balance is good
My kids are older so I could but im happy with my balance and thats ok too

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:11

@prepared101 maybe reread some of what you wrote and also I have seen these posts numerous times and i never said its what you said just the judgementa you hear against mums working or not working

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prepared101 · 24/07/2022 21:12

I particularly enjoy the SAHP go to argument of "why would you want to leave your child all day- why even have kids...?"

You could ask your partner who goes to work all day and leaves your kid because they must be as shit a parent as I am Hmm

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 21:13

worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:10

@Youdoyoutoday exactly and like those of who chose to sahm are somehow less interesting or able to cope
For some people shock horror even some who don't have kids a career is not important to them
Some don't want to work 80
Hrs a week and have a lot of stress , whilst others thrive on it
I have reached my limit I have a job with medium responsibility and I don't want to climb the ladder as my work life balance is good
My kids are older so I could but im happy with my balance and thats ok too

There is a lot of options between working 80 hours a week and not work at all.

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 21:14

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:06

@tiggergoesbounce well it does. To say otherwise is disingenuous.

So OP you seem to already have very strong opinions on this matter, so your post seems quite disingenous to be honest.

Do you think we need to look at solving the some of the potential reasons that this happens rather than blaming other women.

One example, Childcare can be too expensive for women to continue to work, do you aim your anger at that being acceptable or do you blame the woman who cant afford to work ??

A woman should always have the right to choose what is best for herself.

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 21:15

@canyoutoleratethis

What is the difference between a nursery worker being a stranger and a teacher being a stranger?

I'm not really sure why it's OK at 4 but notv1 tbh.

Not a gotcha no. I just dont get the difference.

My dh would also have been gutted to miss it. Thats why weade sure he didn't

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 21:15

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:08

@TartanGirl1 a lot of SAHMs are SAHMs because of poor financial circumstances.

So why try to shame those that are for being the problem for the paygap? What a shitty thing to do.

(which is ridiculous anyway)

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 21:16

@TartanGirl1 im fully aware of that but its also fine of someone doesn't want to and wants to be a sahm mum
I was a sahm for maybe 4 years i then worked part time and now back to full time as they are older .
But my time as a sahm was a great time for me and worked for us all as a family and was what I wanted , I knew the risks and planned for them but as at the time we were both low earners it had not too much an impact financially
We are now both earning quite well and i could go farther but I don't want to
So for me being a sahm hasn't held me back or being where I want to be

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Silverswirl · 24/07/2022 21:16

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 21:03

@Silverswirl I'm glad you feel that way (truly - no sarcasm intended).

Does your DH not wish he could do those things? Are you not resentful for the lack of support with childcare?

Yes he does feel a bit sad that he can’t be at more things. The few things he has been able to come to over the years have been lovely.
However he is far far less bothered about it than I would be.
He said that when all our kids were young all together (ie all babies / toddlers) that he really couldn’t have don’t the job of looking after them without going crazy and he didn’t know how I did it.
He takes on literally all the paid work burden and I have done all the family stuff.
Hes a brilliant father and husband at the weekends- I can’t complain!
Yes I do sometimes get annoyed / frustrated about lack of childcare. I have no family support really either except dire emergencies so it’s been hard.
I have to accept it as part of the package deal though. He more than pulls his weight with earning money and we have a great life, so it’s my job to sort the children out.
When the kids are I’ll and need to have days off school I do sometimes say ‘what would we do if I was working today?!’ He doesn’t have an answer because the job he’s in has a lot of responsibility and he’s only in that position because he’s focussed on it totally. I think he’s only had 1 day off for a sick child in 14 years and that was because I was too ill with a vomiting bug that I couldn’t look after the child.
Now they are getting older, they need me less and school requirements won’t be there for me, I think I will see if I can get some work from home or set up my own small business, give me something extra to focus on. But it’s been a brilliant ride.

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MsTSwift · 24/07/2022 21:17

Did it for 6 years. Some of the best years of my life so lovely to be there. Then picked up where I left off using my professional skills when youngest started school higher rate tax payer again now. Totally right decision for us. All my sahm friends have teens now everyone working agin in some now quite senior. For most it’s a temporary stage so don’t get the hand wringing on here..

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