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For thinking SAHMs are making themselves financially vulnerable

655 replies

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

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Icedbannoffee · 24/07/2022 20:16

Well of course, but for some it's worth it although some are naieve to it. @malika3 I'm not sure what your point is, there are SAHMs across the board. Those who are forced out of the workplace due to childcare costs, those whose partner works a job which doesn't allow them both to work very easily ie military, and those who choose to- which spans across income groups. Anyone relying on someone else's income without an independent income stream of their own is more vulnerable in their own right than someone who has their own salary coming in irrespective of how much is coming into the family unit. People presume in event of divorce they'd get x, y or z but lots of the time people with assets know how to protect them, and in many cases its only until the children are 18 for anything substantial.

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sjxoxo · 24/07/2022 20:16

This has been done to death on this site..

I am a SAHM. Income is shared. We both have separate savings for the short term & long term. I have a ‘float’ in my current account of about 6 months pay (based on my last salary. We pay voluntary NI contributions for me in the UK. RE pensions; we have investments that are accessible to both of us and an investment plan that will give a good return by retirement age that we can live off the interest. In the country we currently live in, I would be entitled to 54% of DH’s state pension if he passed away. I don’t feel financially vulnerable as I have a good career history and a great education so in reality if I had to go back to work I could and still be fine. I think it’s totally fine to have one person at home or whatever set up works for your family, but I would say if you are going to rely on one income, you need to be quite financially secure with savings and make sure legally you are clued up. X

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:17

@saraclara

What does bf have to do with being a sahp?

If you presume most women take a years mat leave and most women have stopped bf by 6 weeks?

And even if still bf by a year the kid could surely cope throughout the day?

If being a sahp doesn't make you vulnerable or harm your career, why is it almost always the woman who does it?

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malika3 · 24/07/2022 20:20

"You are naive if you think marrying a rich man protects you in a divorce."

Can you not imagine any possible ways that families can mitigate against this?

No SAHM I know is naive. It's the exact opposite.

If their marriages ended tomorrow, they know they would walk away with more than they could have earned in their lifetime. Or, at the very least, they would be no worse off.

This is precisely why they SAH! Otherwise they would never have left their jobs would they?

On MN, SAHMs HAVE to be financially vulnerable or heads start spinning.

But it's not necessarily true. Far from it.

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 20:21

SaltyCrisp · 24/07/2022 20:05

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

I wouldn't depend on a partner financially but my husband was the sole earner when DC were small. Wouldn't dream of putting very young children in child care - personal choice before anyone takes offence.

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup

Yes, a marriage certificate.

People get screwed over in divorces all the time!

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oviraptor21 · 24/07/2022 20:22

PeasOff · 24/07/2022 18:25

Would or do you depend on your partner financially?

Do you have a backup in place in case of breakup or for your retirement?

Yep. All sorted.

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DreamingofItaly2023 · 24/07/2022 20:22

I am a SAHM and am financially dependent on my DH. I used to work but my mental health led to multiple breakdowns and left me unable to work. If I weren’t dependent on my DH I would be dependent on benefits. With lots of therapy and retraining I hope to reenter the workforce sometime in the next 5 years. Realistically I will probably never work full time and will always be financially dependent on DH or if he leaves benefits. We have a very happy marriage however.

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oviraptor21 · 24/07/2022 20:23

I took 20 years out. Not a problem.

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:24

@malika3

You're not painting a very good picture of sahms really

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Youdoyoutoday · 24/07/2022 20:25

This topic again?
Can MNHQ set up a topic/thread for those that feel the need to discuss this every freaking day?? But I honestly mean this specific topic!!
Every day...... find each other..... please!

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 20:25

I think most SAHM who have done so out of choice, absolutely do think of the consequences but roll the dice. Its ridiculous to think otherwise.

They put themselves in the best position they can, they weigh up the risks and decide thats its worth the risk for them.

Most i know have access to all the families money, there husband value and appreciate what they do. Obviously if they split (if) they had no savings then they would have to start again with the value of half the assets and get back out to work.

Even if i didn't have my own financial security i still would have risked being in the half that stay married to be a SAHM.

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stayathomer · 24/07/2022 20:25

i know a lot of sahds. I myself left work because I earned significantly less than dh and we paid hundreds more than my wage on childcare and travel to work. We had no family to help with childcare and both regularly got into trouble when the kids were sick. Parental leave was not a thing in either of our jobs. I laugh that people on mn think you just decide one day to be a kept person and ignore possible consequences-we talked about it for years. I’m back to work now but am glad we did it, kudos to those who can juggle it all but we couldn’t.

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TartanGirl1 · 24/07/2022 20:26

Youdoyoutoday · 24/07/2022 20:25

This topic again?
Can MNHQ set up a topic/thread for those that feel the need to discuss this every freaking day?? But I honestly mean this specific topic!!
Every day...... find each other..... please!

Yet you are helping this thread by commenting...

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Snoredoeurve · 24/07/2022 20:26

But Having a SAHP also reduces stress as there is someone there when children are ill, and in the summer holidays, and to get jobs done in the week freeing up more relaxing time at the weekend.

I just see this a facilitating men to duck out of parenting.
Whilst ruining your own retirement.
Im at the opposite end of parenting and am surrounded by women who now cant retire until 67 while their DH/ ex DH swans off at 60 and several have now decided that their pension is theirs despite the fact they are still married.
Rage doesnt begin to describe these women and they all regret it !

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rainrelief · 24/07/2022 20:28

TeenDivided · 24/07/2022 19:20

It is much more of an issue if the SAHP isn't married to the partner they are dependent on.

Yup. One of the saddest posts I read was from a devastated non- working, home schooling, unmarried mum of four kids. Her partner had just announced he was leaving her.

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FunDragon · 24/07/2022 20:28

I’m not sure it does really. I’m not spectacularly naive, I’ve read the threads where women are trapped with abusive men, they’ve left their minimum wage jobs due to the cost of childcare, and they can’t get back into the workforce because the husband won’t give them money for a bus into town let alone childcare. But what made those women vulnerable wasn’t the decision to be a SAHM - that decision was made for then really by the cost of childcare. What made them vulnerable was having a low paying job and the cost of childcare. They’d be vulnerable even if they’d managed to stay in work.

Otherwise, when I look around at my (admittedly MC) social circle, and the divorces I’ve seen take place, I don’t think the SAHMs are particularly vulnerable at all - I actually think their husbands are more vulnerable. Being the sole provider looks hugely stressful in itself, particularly during a cost of living crisis and impending recession. I would hate to be sole provider, knowing that my performance at work is all that stands between my family and ruin. And then in the event of a divorce they’ll (rightly) be ordered to pay child maintenance, along with a sum that reflects the impact of being a SAHM on the wife’s career.

Like a PP, I’ve advised my sons to marry ambitious women.

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:29

@Bowtique do you think sahm are all thick and don't realise this ?
I was a sahm got back in the workforce and had to make it back up a bit but could go a lot further if i want now , but I just dob't
A career is not the most important thing to me
Also for some in min wage job time out won't make a huge difference to their work / job progress
Women can make a choice , yes its a risk but so is many things in life , none of us can predict the future we can only try and safeguard
So for me we shared the bank account their was no his or my money , we paid the bills and shared what was left over and could save or spend as we wished
People do know the sacrifices but some of us think its worth it and thats ok

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:31

@KosherDill how can you say that and speak for others
The best years for me were the 4 years I had at home with my kids , priceless to me
Might not be others choice but if its a wanted choice who cares its no one elses business and maybe people should judge a little less

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 20:33

Youdoyoutoday · 24/07/2022 20:25

This topic again?
Can MNHQ set up a topic/thread for those that feel the need to discuss this every freaking day?? But I honestly mean this specific topic!!
Every day...... find each other..... please!

I know and the same goady nonsense commenters appear slowly with the same nonsense. Its fine if its not your choice, but they must understand it can easily be others choice.

I always post as i stupidly think that maybe, just maybe people might understand that most SAHM do think about the consequences, that all people are wired differently so happily make different choices, its Just so narrow minded to think otherwise or claim to not understand.

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malika3 · 24/07/2022 20:34

"You're not painting a very good picture of sahms really"

Yes that's because the only picture you see is the one you want to see.

But it's not true. Come to where I am and I'll show you it's not true.

If a family can afford to have one person working part-time or SAH, then they may well do that. It's not rocket science.

If a woman has the choice to SAH, she may well take it. Again, not rocket science. She looks at the financial circumstances of her family. For some women, SAH will be something if a risk, but nevertheless, it's a risk they're prepared to take. Simple as that. But equally, for other women, it's not a risk at all and this is how and why they do it.

If I thought being a SAHM round have rendered me, or more importantly my children, at financial risk, I would never have done it! It really is as simple as that. As it is, I am less financially vulnerable for having been a SAHM than if I'd been working these last 20 years or so. And so are my children.

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rainrelief · 24/07/2022 20:34

tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 20:25

I think most SAHM who have done so out of choice, absolutely do think of the consequences but roll the dice. Its ridiculous to think otherwise.

They put themselves in the best position they can, they weigh up the risks and decide thats its worth the risk for them.

Most i know have access to all the families money, there husband value and appreciate what they do. Obviously if they split (if) they had no savings then they would have to start again with the value of half the assets and get back out to work.

Even if i didn't have my own financial security i still would have risked being in the half that stay married to be a SAHM.

Yeah this. I personally would not recommend it, but for those it works out for, it leads to a much more pleasant life. It’s a risk, and the risk is ALL on the woman (or SAHP). If you are going to do it, make sure your H sets up as much financial protection for you as possible, and that he pays a good amount into a decent pension for you.

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worriedatthistime · 24/07/2022 20:34

@prepared101 why can't you accept that some do want to stay home though and thats fine its not for you but it is for others
Yes you look after your kids when you work but not 24/7 so its not exactly the same
But just because you didn't want to do it doesn't mean people who have are lesser than you

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WillitFit · 24/07/2022 20:35

For me the risk is more the "all eggs in one basket" with the family being dependent on one income if there's job loss or long term illness etc. I don't think married SAHMs are that vulnerable to divorce. Unmarried SAHMs are very vulnerable though.

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tiggergoesbounce · 24/07/2022 20:35

Lets see how long before a particular poster starts misquoting people, saying how the role has no value, saying you cant be a feminist etc etc

They are obsesed in a bad way with these posts.

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Topgub · 24/07/2022 20:36

@malika3

But you're essentially saying all the sahms you know had no interest in ever being financially independent or having a career.

They just had to marry someone well off to do the earning for you.

Job done.

Its a bit embarrassing

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