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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed about dh giving female colleague lift home

149 replies

noirthoughts · 24/07/2022 15:19

Good afternoon,

NC as incredibly outing but here we go.

Dh is a manager at a retail store 5-10 minutes drive away (25-30) mins walk.
Colleague and sometimes male colleagues live approximately 5 minutes walk from store.

Dh insist on taking the car to work and if I need to use the car in the daytime then I have to then when I finish what I need to do I then park the car in his work car park and walk home or sometimes if his break falls around they time he will drop me off.
I have a 4 year old twins and one year old in tow.

So I know dh can be generous with lifts home he says it's on his way bla bla so I've had no problem regardless if female or male.
Dh has two colleagues he drops off if hes o. Shift with them let's call her A and him B.
A&B live on the same road. So makes sense he drops them both off

but this is my aibu.

Yesterday I was struggling and when I dropped the car off he berated me saying it was filthy and how can he have his colleagues in the car with it looking like this.. he then says I should enjoy the walking as it helps with my weightloss. My children are screaming and then he says "I chose to use the car gallavanting around and that's my fault" I told him "why don't you walk home with them considering it's on your way and I'll just drive them home"
He says they live the opposite way but only a few minutes
So I said well they can walk he said it's only A I'm dropping off and she is vulnerable at 11pm to walk home as once she got mugged and now she's scared so it's no issue to drop her off and quickly come home.

Aibu to be pissed off?
He's happily let me walk home from the car park with 3 kids at 9pm in the winter when I was recovering from a brain tumour being removed but can't possibly let his colleague who btw has a husband who can come pick her up but can't because her son is in bed walk home for 5 minutes?

OP posts:

Timetogetup123 · 24/07/2022 19:54

I'm assuming they're his children too. Push back. At the very least you work as a team and share the car. You have it for the days you do activities and he does the shopping on his days off or he has the children on his days off and you do it. Sounds like a toxic arrangement. If you want to stay with him, you need to see marriage counselling to learn to work together. He needs to be less controlling and you need to be more assertive. Good luck.

Aberration · 24/07/2022 20:00

id kill for a 25 minute walk to work so I DIDNT need to drive. Fair enough as a one off if its pissing down with rain but what a waste of money /petrol/the environment on a normal day!

just to be clear though: 25 minute walk with shopping and 3 small kids is a different kettle of fish

itswafflesgirl1010 · 24/07/2022 20:16

What an absolute waste of space he is. What about your rest days?! He sounds like an absolute cretin and is treating you and his children like an inconvenience. Good riddance I say!

CombatBarbie · 24/07/2022 20:28

I can't actually believe what I'm reading. Take the car keys and tell him to fuck off! What an inconsiderate arse hole. Tell him to get his own car if he's that lazy. I mean really who takes out car seats religiously. When mine were younger they were only moved if needed. So what if there's toys, crisps whatever on the floor.

Rarely do I get annoyed with threads like this but FFS every post gets worse and worse.

RobertaFirmino · 24/07/2022 20:29

What a rotten, stinking, red arsed baboon! They never change you know, never. You may wish to consider life without him. You certainly deserve better. Much better.

Youdoyoutoday · 24/07/2022 20:38

Can't even be arsed to read beyond you have 3 kids to ferry about!! Fuck the twat telling you that you need to leave the car where he wants!!
Fuck him, fuck his colleagues!!

I'd be so petty as to park at his work and siphon off the petrol to leave him looking a dick but then he'd also be coming home to changed locks.... if it was me!!

RaspberryParfait · 24/07/2022 20:40

Get rid of him and keep the car. Honestly car sounds like it’s of more use than him.

DH used to bike to work (or I’d drop him and he’d get a taxi home in bad weather) so I had a car for emergencies and also just to ferry DC around and be able to shopping etc. We also had twins and an older DC. No way would I not have use of car!

Your car is being left unused after being driven 5 mins to and from work while you’re walking miles each day with 3 DC including twins!

He’s an utter bastard obviously not caring for your health or the safety of your DC if he made you walk everywhere after a brain op! Obviously now putting his need to look good his helping work colleagues before you and your DC.

In the interim, tell him you need the car more than him, you’ll drop him when he starts if timings work and he needs to get an Uber home. Still cheaper than another car and not too expensive if only 5 min trip at 11pm when no traffic.

Cherrysoup · 24/07/2022 20:42

Your car that you pay for. Take him off the insurance. I’m appalled that you’re dropping it off so he can give colleagues a lift, not his-or your-problem. How the heck are you supposed to get round without the car? He can walk home or bike it. Tell him to fuck off, he’s ridiculous!

converseandjeans · 25/07/2022 00:45

Why should he do 10 hour shifts then have to walk home because I decide to put my children in activities.

Are they not his children too? He's really got a strange attitude. Lots of children do activities.

timeisnotaline · 25/07/2022 00:50

As your first step towards leaving say it’s your car now and you will drive your dc whenever you want wherever you want. This man does not prioritise you one iota. If Dh lived a 25m walk from work and we had 3 small dc he’d walk rain hail or shine unless he had both legs chopped off, so I could get around with the dc.

scarletisjustred · 25/07/2022 03:33

Let me get this straight - it's your car and you pay for the petrol. He pays for the insurance? You have three small children, you are recovering from a brain tumour and you work from 8 pm after looking after three small children including twins all day. You have to walk to his work to pick up your car with the said three children if you want to use your car and your petrol for activities, school runs etc. Meanwhile he is worrying about his colleague getting mugged so you can't use your car. He's also said you should enjoy the walking as it helps with your weight loss as you trudge along with two four years olds and a one year old so he can show off for the female colleague. Then he berates you about not cleaning your own car which he "insists" on using. (Funnily enough the female colleagues in this situation are never the middle aged woman from accounts with bad bunions but in this situation it wouldn't matter if it was Kim Kardashian.)

I am afraid that if I were you I'd have to try very hard not to have my hands firmly wrapped round his gonads and be squeezing while assisting him out the door. I think you need to find your anger and your backbone. I am outraged on your behalf.

Fraaahnces · 25/07/2022 04:00

You need to also ask him why you should continue paying for petrol for a car he isn't letting you use - AND for him to drive his colleagues willy nilly. I would sell the bastard car and get something in my name only.

Funkykitty · 25/07/2022 04:38

Cherrysoup · 24/07/2022 20:42

Agree with this.

autienotnaughty · 25/07/2022 04:49

I would be fine with the dropping people at home, male or female. I would not be fine with his demands re the car.

RenegadeMatron · 25/07/2022 04:54

Wow. He is next level awful.

No advice, as I can’t get my head around why you you would want to spend a second with such an awful specimen, let alone a lifetime.

Suffice to say - you deserve a lot better than this man.

powershowerforanhour · 25/07/2022 04:56

He needs to get a bike. He can get a tandem if he wants to dispense largesse and lifts.

Mellowyellow222 · 25/07/2022 05:25

He sounds cruel and abusive and it sounds like a pretty loveless marriage.

I think you should see a counsellor and work this though. Why are you accepting this treatment?

FavouritePi · 25/07/2022 05:39

Who is the car registered to? Are you the legal owner? If so, could you get insurance for it instead and make sure he's not on it?

If the above is yes, don't return the car to him on a break and don't let him use it.

I expect him getting the shopping in will only be another way of him controlling you by either getting food you don't like, getting nothing for you or imposing a diet on you.

All of this sounds like the end of a marriage to me though.

StickWithYSL · 25/07/2022 06:14

Sounds awful. However my mind keeps going to the fact you have three car seats in the car and he is taking 1 to 2 people home regularly. Have you for a 7 seater?

StickWithYSL · 25/07/2022 06:15

Got*

he would awful.

Crayfishforyou · 25/07/2022 06:20

The female colleague isn’t the problem.
the fact that your DH is a cunt is a big problem.

cocktailclub · 25/07/2022 06:35

Stop complying with this.
As others have said he can buy a bike or else walk. It will be good for him.
Of course you need the car during the day with three kids. Never mind recovering from a brain tumour.
If he takes the car in the morning then go pick it up but stop dropping it back.

Darbs76 · 25/07/2022 06:37

Ok re the colleagues he’s the manager, he probably feels a responsibility to ensure his staff get home safe at 11pm, especially females.

but that’s not the issue here really, he’s incredibly rude re the weight loss comment, and doesn’t seem to care if you and his children are put out. Get a taxi and ensure he’s funding it if you can’t have the car

Blackbird2020 · 25/07/2022 06:40

Why are you being so nice to him, when he is being so awful to you?

I hope the scales fall from your eyes soon.

There’s not one person on this thread who thinks this is even remotely acceptable behaviour from the father of your 3 children.

Longdistance · 25/07/2022 06:42

Tell him to get his own fucking car. Then he can play Uber with his colleagues.
Sorry you’re married to such a wanker!

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