To be annoyed about dh giving female colleague lift home

[noirthoughts]

Good afternoon,

NC as incredibly outing but here we go.

Dh is a manager at a retail store 5-10 minutes drive away (25-30) mins walk.
Colleague and sometimes male colleagues live approximately 5 minutes walk from store.

Dh insist on taking the car to work and if I need to use the car in the daytime then I have to then when I finish what I need to do I then park the car in his work car park and walk home or sometimes if his break falls around they time he will drop me off.
I have a 4 year old twins and one year old in tow.

So I know dh can be generous with lifts home he says it's on his way bla bla so I've had no problem regardless if female or male.
Dh has two colleagues he drops off if hes o. Shift with them let's call her A and him B.
A&B live on the same road. So makes sense he drops them both off

but this is my aibu.

Yesterday I was struggling and when I dropped the car off he berated me saying it was filthy and how can he have his colleagues in the car with it looking like this.. he then says I should enjoy the walking as it helps with my weightloss. My children are screaming and then he says "I chose to use the car gallavanting around and that's my fault" I told him "why don't you walk home with them considering it's on your way and I'll just drive them home"
He says they live the opposite way but only a few minutes
So I said well they can walk he said it's only A I'm dropping off and she is vulnerable at 11pm to walk home as once she got mugged and now she's scared so it's no issue to drop her off and quickly come home.

Aibu to be pissed off?
He's happily let me walk home from the car park with 3 kids at 9pm in the winter when I was recovering from a brain tumour being removed but can't possibly let his colleague who btw has a husband who can come pick her up but can't because her son is in bed walk home for 5 minutes?

His work image, the Great Giver of Lifts, He Who Cares is so much more important than the safety and comfort of his wife and kids?

Oh, OP. You really have got a charmer on your hands haven't you?

I hope you have real life help close by. Because no matter what choices you make you will need all the support you can grab.

Your husband sounds awful OP.

Well if I was the one working to pay for everything for the family, including paying for the family car, I would at least expect to be able to use it to get to said place of work

His priorities are definitely skewed. He is prioritising his colleagues over you and I definitely suspect some kind of affair.

As for the weight loss comment... disgusting and abusive.

“His work image, the Great Giver of Lifts, He Who Cares is so much more important than the safety and comfort of his wife and kids?

Oh, OP. You really have got a charmer on your hands haven't you?”

^I can’t believe he doesn’t let you have the car when you have 3 small children let alone all the other stuff.

You and the kids aren’t his priority. Simple as that. He will never change. You either accept it and accept as your children get older they will start to see that and start to resent him and be affected mentally by it, or you walk away and show your children and yourself you’re worth more than this pathetic pig.

For a 25 minute walk? When your poor wife is wrangling 3 kids? Pathetic.

Does your username indicate your sex? 🤷🏼‍♀️

If I was the one working (so either getting up early/getting home late, spending 8 hours out at work everyday etc, then 25 mins of my day is more precious than 25 mins of someone who has the whole day - especially when it would be my going to work that is paying for the car/everything else)

But it’s not really as we don’t even know if any of that is the case in the OPs scenario

What do you mean?

YABU

I don’t think he should have to walk 30mins to work there and back just because you want the car.
Why should he have to get soaking wet or sweaty before he gets to work?

If you don’t think 30mins is that far then why don’t you walk back with the DCs?
If you are a SAHP then surely this makes sense.

I would be annoyed if you left my car in a state too.

However I don’t think your anger is about the car or the colleague.

You said he made you walk home after you came out of hospital which is absolutely disgusting and you need to deal with this properly as it sounds like you’re still very resentful because of it.

Was this a one off lack of judgement from him or is this what he’s like?
I’m not sure I could have stayed in a relationship with him after that.

You said you were struggling why was that?

Great post.

Are you man?

Either way you have a shitty understanding of the idea of a partnership 🤷🏼‍♀️

I work at home from 8pm onwards so I am a full time sahm and worker!

I paid for the car, he pays insurance and I pay petrol!

In the example we were discussing (which might not necessarily reflect the OPs actual scenario) the man is going out to work every day to pay for the family

I think that’s a pretty good contribution to the partnership!

In that case, you need to come to an equitable compromise arrangement

I suppose my next question is if he goes out to work and you work from home, what do you need the car for?

I work at home from 8pm onwards so I am a full time sahm and worker!

If you don’t start work until 8pm then why do you need it during the day?

Surely the unwritten rule is whoever is working takes the car.

So if you didn’t WFH then you’d get it to drive it to work later on.

And staying at home to bring up their three kids under 5, working herself when they’re in bed isn’t 🤷🏼‍♀️

I stand by my comment. If you think it’s ok for her to walk home with three kids at 9pm so he doesn’t have to walk 30 minutes home himself because HE pays for the car (which we’ve since found out he doesn’t) then you have a shitty understanding of what a partnership is!

Surely the unwritten rule is that whomever needs the car takes the car?!

Agree with most other people

The 'giving a lift to a colleague' isn't the issue.

The fact he leaves you to ferry your dc about without a car when he could easily walk to work is.
The fact he speaks to you so rudely is.
The fact he has 3 small dc and is then fretting when the car gets messy is.
The fact he expects you to walk home well into the evening with your 3 small dc so he doesn't have to on his own a bit later is.
The fact he expects you to clean the car (whilst looking after 3 small dc is).

If none of were in the mix, then I absolutely would hope my dh would give a colleague a lift home which adds 5 mins onto his journey, if the colleague had been mugged and was afraid to walk home at night on their own. That^ part isn't the issue in all this,

@CarlCarlson

I work from 8pm in the evening.

So I'm the daytime, I had school runs, after school activities, shopping, errands etc. for example the twins activity finishes 6pm on a Thursday, and I've been having to get the car to him for about 6.45 after traffic, walk home, then I'm home at 7.25, bath and food before I get them to sleep for me to start work at 8pm.

I honestly don't see why I should have to get a bus everywhere while my car is sitting in a car park because he wants to act like the big I am

He seems like a house devil and street angel to me.
You and the little children come first, end of

Huh? Is this real?
if it is read your post back and imagine someone else wrote it

you’re focusing on entirely the wrong things

If I had to choose who is valued most in this, his family or his work colleagues then it's not hard to see it's his work colleagues. You need to talk to him about his priorities but I'd be very surprised if he has any interest in changing based on what he's already said to you.

I honestly don't see why I should have to get a bus everywhere while my car is sitting in a car park because he wants to act like the big I am

Has he given you any reason to feel so insecure?

I think if he wasn’t giving his colleagues lifts home (one in particular) then you wouldn’t care about him having the car.