To be annoyed about dh giving female colleague lift home

[noirthoughts]

Good afternoon,

NC as incredibly outing but here we go.

Dh is a manager at a retail store 5-10 minutes drive away (25-30) mins walk.
Colleague and sometimes male colleagues live approximately 5 minutes walk from store.

Dh insist on taking the car to work and if I need to use the car in the daytime then I have to then when I finish what I need to do I then park the car in his work car park and walk home or sometimes if his break falls around they time he will drop me off.
I have a 4 year old twins and one year old in tow.

So I know dh can be generous with lifts home he says it's on his way bla bla so I've had no problem regardless if female or male.
Dh has two colleagues he drops off if hes o. Shift with them let's call her A and him B.
A&B live on the same road. So makes sense he drops them both off

but this is my aibu.

Yesterday I was struggling and when I dropped the car off he berated me saying it was filthy and how can he have his colleagues in the car with it looking like this.. he then says I should enjoy the walking as it helps with my weightloss. My children are screaming and then he says "I chose to use the car gallavanting around and that's my fault" I told him "why don't you walk home with them considering it's on your way and I'll just drive them home"
He says they live the opposite way but only a few minutes
So I said well they can walk he said it's only A I'm dropping off and she is vulnerable at 11pm to walk home as once she got mugged and now she's scared so it's no issue to drop her off and quickly come home.

Aibu to be pissed off?
He's happily let me walk home from the car park with 3 kids at 9pm in the winter when I was recovering from a brain tumour being removed but can't possibly let his colleague who btw has a husband who can come pick her up but can't because her son is in bed walk home for 5 minutes?

Also, it's not your husbands responsibility to keep her safe. It's her own responsibility to find a safe way to get home or her own husband should step up. She could always get a taxi if she's that worried about getting mugged. It's nice to help people when you can but absolutely not at the expense of your own family and your own children! He is being an arse.

I'm not insecure about the colleague. I feel pissed off that he said she is vulnerable and needs taken home when for me it's different.

Are you the colleague because you seem very defensive of her

And actually even the fact he chooses to drop off a grown man also pisses me off quite frankly.

And when they are all on shift together. Surely the grown man can walk home with said colleague considering they live in the same vicinity.

I totally get it if we had separate cars or I didn't need to use it , I wouldn't care if he dropped them off but it's everything adding up and the cheap jabs with "you left the car dirty and they have to get in"

Dirty being (car seats are left and not in the boot ready for car guests and toys on the floor)

Why are you letting him call the shots? He has absolutely no right to have the car. Your needs absolutely trump his need to have the car. Can he get a bike to go to and from work?

Honestly fuck that shit. Stop pandering to him. He can walk. And as for the weight loss shitty comment that would have me walking out the door. If you’re wfh af night and dealing with the kids all Day anyway then what’s the point of him?

I would not be putting up with this. You paid for car so you get first dibs on it. I would drop DH off at work and I would use car myself during day then he could walk home His colleagues should sort themselves out. Not your problem. You and 3 children should not have to walk around all the time to suit your Lord and Master. Unless he is amazing at everything else I would bin him off.

Are you the colleague because you seem very defensive of her

I’m not defending the colleague at all.
I don’t think I’ve even mentioned her once and I’ve definitely not been defending her - again you are making it all about her, which is weird and makes it sound like you’re insecure.

I’m wondering why you’re more upset that he’ ‘playing the big man’ or taking her home when she has a husband, rather than him making you walk home late at night after recovering from surgery.

There are obviously massive issues in your relationship and I think the car and colleague is a red herring unless you don’t trust him with her.

If it's your car get your own insurance in your name and tell him to get his own car.

He's horrid.

Buy him a Little Tikes Cosy Coupe, it's about the right level for him. If he complains, tell him he needs the exercise to lose weight and he can ferry about his colleagues on the roof. Failing that he can get himself a Rickshaw as he appears to enjoy running a free Taxi service.

It's your car, not his. Leave it as messy as possible, then he won't want to use it. Buy an extra car seat for the front passenger side, the manchild clearly needs one for himself.

The only weight loss you need is him.

This is vile behaviour from him.

You can walk with three young kids then do can he sometimes!

He is utterly vile and could care less about you, and your are accepting this.

Stop him using your car.

Call Womens aid for support because you need support against a bully.

Why on earth are you accepting such behaviour?

Supermarket, corner shop or petrol stations? All retail.

Anyway, that's by the by. OP, the colleague is a red herring. You've got a DH problem there. Giving her a lift is a nice thing to do. However how he speaks to you is not acceptable.

Seems entirely reasonable for you to have the car on days when your children have after-school activities - at that age you don't want to be getting home after 6.30. It sounds as if you don't need it every day, so maybe you have it Wednesdays and Thursdays. Get him a bicycle, and that will speed up his commute. A has options - her partner can fetch her, she could get a taxi, or I suppose your DH could see her home on foot before hopping on his bike.

BTW, my DH's work is 15 minutes by car and 30+ by bike; it has never been a problem for me to have the car on swimming day/similar.

I agree.
I will put this to him when he comes home but no doubt he will say "other women do it and use public transport" like he's said before.

Tbh I know I need to get rid of him.

He was happy me picking him up late at night pregnant with twins when he didn't have a license because he lost it drink driving (that was an old thread)

I sacrifice everything in this marriage
He is willing to sacrifice nothing

TBH you're focusing on the wrong thing: the giving the colleague a lift home is a red herring, regardless of whether colleague is female.

The salient point is that your DH is an arsehole. The way he speaks to you is unforgivable. The comments about weight and the order to clean the car would have been dealbreakers for me.

Why should the person who works get the car. We did the other way round, whoever was looking after the kids had the car as they do more running about to different places during the day and walking with young kids takes far longer than a healthy adult walking alone.

He prioritises everyone else ahead of you

I sacrifice everything in this marriage
He is willing to sacrifice nothing

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head.

And the reason you’re probably so upset about him taking his colleague home is because it shows he cares more about everyone else than he does you.

Aside from the car and colleague issue what is he normally like? Like when he is at home?

That’s crazy, a thirty min walk is a mile and a half, which is about a three or four min drive, I can see why he doesn’t want to spend an hour a day walking and I can see why he gives folks lifts late at night.

you have got yourself on a crazy system but the real issue is you dislike each other intently,

Exactly! Why are you still with him???

I

Didn’t even get to the end of your post. Your husband is an inconsiderate, selfish, rude arsehole. He treats you like crap. Can’t believe you’re worrying about him dropping off a female colleague when he treats you the way he does. There are far more important issues you need to pull him up for!

When he says other women do it, just tell him that other men are quite capable of walking or cycling to work and treating their partners and children with care and respect. Who ever has the children has the car! No argument.

I just spoke to him
He said

Why should he do 10 hour shifts then have to walk home because I decide to put my children in activities.

I said why should I have to do a weekly shop with a pram and walk 25 minutes there and back because on his days off are rest days
He said he will do the weekly shop lol

He's a pig.