Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

Why let a child look at a phone? Err perhaps to give some peace to the others on the train, perhaps because the OP has spent all day entertaining and engaging with her child and needed 15mins of peace- perhaps because it’s not 1980, we have phones and our children can look at one for 1 episode of go jetters without kicking off. Eugh I hate the judgemental mum bridgade.

@DelphiniumBlue 'give them some water' 😂

Well I'm 41 and if I was genuinely upset I wouldn't be able to just stop crying because someone asked me to!

Of course it's not ideal when on a crowded train but people get emotional and upset.

They have to learn to deal with those emotions and at 3yo that will over small things like not finishing a cartoon rather than adult equivalents such as death or job loss.

Hmmm. I know I’ll get flamed for this, but my DH and I had a tantrum plan in place which involved us leaving our DCs (obviously so we could still see them) the second they started. For us, it worked. That being said, they are now very risk-averse teenagers who are cautious about expressing emotion, so we might have totally fucked them up. They are also, however, undramatic, appropriate and have ready, witty senses of humour, so that’s a bit of a “phew” for us.
Sorry, OP - I have voted YABU because you’ve got a child at 3 who has learned that tantrumming is an effective and rewarding choice. Admittedly, starting to practise indifference to it on that train might not be the best place, but your DC needs to learn to self-settle and is approaching 4 years old.
And yes, I agree with you that the woman could have moved off with her baby.

Well no, I don't think asking someone to shut their kid up is helpful but that's not what happened.

I do think someone quietly and calmly talking directly to the child MIGHT help .. I had two boys under 2 (now 13 and 14) and a couple of times out shopping with both I was very grateful for a distraction in the form of a stranger stopping for a chat or to ask one of them a question or show them their baby. 🤷‍♀️

I would have done.

OP said it went on for a minute, the time it took to take her phone and check. Yes she could have thought it through but not quite right to suggest that the child was behaving so badly that strangers intervened.

It sounds like the other mum had PFB syndrome.

I’d have asked her: ‘does your child never cry in public’?

Well yes her child does which is what she was hoping to avoid.

Except the DC did kick off when the phone was taken away.

And if the other baby had started crying, would the world have stopped spinning?

Me too.

Sorry you didn’t want to disturb other passengers by dealing with your ds’s tantrum yet you don’t think his crying was more disturbing?! You were really rude.

You clearly do not have children. Tantrums are absolutely normal !!!!! If every time a child would have one mums were supposed to leave the public space we wouldn't see any kids outside at all. What a selfish world we live in where mums are judged when their kids cry for a minute. Insanity.

There's a pair of you in it.
I'd tell my son to stop whinging that he'd get the phone back in a minute.
She was odd to say that to your son but it could be a good distraction technique.
Was it ?

YABU.

If she has her own child, I would assume his crying must have been loud enough for her to comment (if she were extremely precious about her baby having unreasonable sleep conditions outside home, I doubt she would take them on a train)

The fact that you thought that she might becoming to offer your child a toy or a sweet because he was upset, is very peculiar. Who has and indeed in the current climate, could either afford or would think to give such things to a random kid on a train?

My DC wouldn't have been getting that phone back if they made that much of a scene over me having MY phone back to check the timetable. By giving it back it's teaching them it's OK to behave that way until they get their own way, so a rod for your own back.

You don't "just stop" them. It takes some level of effort. Not so much if you put the effort in asap.

OP initially made out her DC reacted badly to having the screen taken away. She wasn't initially clear whether it was crying or an actual tantrum. Then she made out she told the lady she would be doing nothing about it. OP's further posts are altering the story.

It's the initial statement of telling the lady she won't ask her child to stop crying is what is causing the reaction. Perceived effort of the parent is the difference between sympathy and anger for most people when it comes to toddlers crying/tantruming in a public place.

Yes I think you are to be honest. You both are.
Both of you come across as the kind of parent who thinks their child overrides every other child in existence in terms of importance.

Nobody likes to hear a screaming child in public, and most mums would naturally try to calm them down rather than sit and ignore them. Next time, take distractions with you to calm him down instead of expecting strangers to approach with sweets or toys

Right?! Maybe OP could offer her child a toy or a sweet herself to calm him down, rather than assuming a stranger would be rushing to do it!

Another thread full of folk with perfect kids who never misbehave, make any noise and always do as their told.
What’s your secret? Obviously not the use of a screen, because that’s definitely not acceptable in anyone under 14.

Absolutely horrid practice to leave your kids alone to sort out their own feelings and emotions before they are worthy of you coming back to engage with them? As a child psychologist I would not recommend this strategy to anyone who wants to have a true bonding with their kids in the future including them coming to you with problems without being afraid of being labelled unreasonable. Thats a form of emotional abuse to give them a cold shoulder when they are vulnerable and perhaps, God forbids, are even playing up for some attention.

🖕This. OP, you need to asset your authority - honestly, toddlers are manipulative, cleaver little learning machines, programmed to get their own way. When your DC is 16 and hasn’t learnt that YOUR way is The Way, you’ll be in a world of pain.

I think you were overreacting. She probably was trying to be helpful and offered your child a distraction. My mum often does this, she’s turning to the crying child and says: “Shhh, look baby is sleeping, don’t cry you will wake baby up” Mum doesn’t have a baby with her, but there are usually a baby somewhere near by, the baby often even not sleeping, it’s just a distraction. She is not judging a parent at all and she can tolerate child crying she’s just trying to help a parent. In 95% cases it works and the child stops crying.

YANBU, I can’t stand people who do this! My DS is 3, he has the odd tantrum on the way to nursery when we walk there, he throws himself around on the floor and all sorts😂! In some situations with 3 year olds you have to just let them get the tantrum over and done with! Trying to reason with them during that tantrum will only heighten there emotions and make it worse!

you had attempted to calm him down by giving him your phone etc, she didn’t need t come over to you and your child to say to keep quiet. What would she do if in future she’s on the train and her baby starts crying? I assume she wouldn’t have a problem then would she!

if people want the world to revolve around there child and to not be near any noise etc they should get a bloody taxi everywhere! I’ve been on the train with my little ones god knows how many times! There’s been pissed up people on there, other parents with children having tantrums, my own children having tantrums! But guess what? I see it as it’s PUBLIC transport for a reason. I just personally move out of the way or to a quieter part of the train if there’s any intoxicated people or to much noise! Why couldn’t she have just done this?

she was unreasonable, I can’t wait for her child to get to 3yrs old! Good luck to her, she will definitely experience a know it all mum coming over to her to tell the child to be quiet 😂😂! Or hear someone making comments about the “noise being made”.

3yr olds are very unpredictable and at times unreasonable 😂! You did all you could by the sounds of things, don’t feel judged! Ignore her comments made, you and your child had a good day and that’s all that matters!

I also think a lot of your responses on here are ridiculous! Everyone keeps saying (what about mum being sleep deprived) obviously I’m sure you would have mentioned it if this were the case, but how did that mum that came over know if your child could have potentially had additional needs? To just come over and say “be quieter” is very rude (I understand your child isn’t additional needs as I’m aware) but how did she know this?

a lot of people keep saying she’s been reasonable because she’s sleep deprived, but if she went up to someone with a child who had ADHD/autism which could have potentially been the case here for all she knew, she judged it off looking at you both and just went over, that’s wrong. She should have kept her mouth shut and focused on her own baby! Or moved to somewhere more peaceful instead of coming over making a big deal out of this.

also I remember being sleep deprived and the last thing I did was go up to other people, I was to much like a zombie to even move😂 so everyone using this as an excuse are being pathetic!

but it down to experience! Move past it, don’t worry about what others think! You know how best to deal with your child and that’s all that matters x