Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

To be fair your job as a mother is to parent your child you at that moment werent doing that you where deliberately letting him cause a public nusence.

Then you where so shamelessly proud that you announced that you don't parent your kids correctly with the line 'I would not ask him to stop crying'.

Your child is NOT more important than anyone else there, you child is expected to be taught to act appropriately to be a functioning member of society.

Sometime kids do cry but its your job to nip it in the bud and you deliberately didn't then announced that you dont see why you should have to and we wonder why people grow up with no respect or awareness of others.

I have a baby, a SN toddler and an older child and never have and would never have acted like you did.

Kind of funny she thinks that asking a toddler to stop crying will stop them 😆. I mean if her baby did wake up why didn't she just ask them to go back to sleep? She was in the wrong to ask him to stop crying, I wouldn't tolerate any random stranger trying to discipline my children, I wouldn't want my child thinking they have to do what a stranger says, sends out the wrong message.

Screens are fine, what's not fine is the child thinking they can just cry and basically be a brat until they get their way, when they are told you need to use YOUR screen to check a time. Giving it back is just saying to them it's acceptable behaviour and they use it again and again because they learn you'll give in to shut them up.

If you don't give in, you'll have several tantrums but they'll soon learn if they don't scream and cry, they'll get it back.

she was unreasonable, I can’t wait for her child to get to 3yrs old! Good luck to her, she will definitely experience a know it all mum coming over to her to tell the child to be quiet 😂😂*! Or hear someone making comments about the “noise being made”.

3yr olds are very unpredictable and at times unreasonable 😂! You did all you could by the sounds of things, don’t feel judged! Ignore her comments made, you and your child had a good day and that’s all that matters! *

This.

I don’t think she was unreasonable to ask, so long as she asked nicely and without frustration/ aggression. Some children would be distracted by a stranger, wouldn’t want to upset a baby pr would want to please the adult (that isn’t a parent!) and alerting him to the baby is a strategy that may have worked on some children. I think you were rude to immediately rebuke her for asking once, assuming she asked politely and wasn’t going on about it.

You honestly “thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet” to stop him being a brat?

This was my take from it too. I think you've reacted badly to her because your expectations were so unrealistic and in contrast to what happened. You're both being unreasonable and not being unreasonable; sounds like you were both tired and frazzled and just needed to be home.

I'm with you OP. A lady once told my three year off for crying, he was inconsolable then so it really worked. He'd been crying because he didn't want to get on the bus and it was either that or a four mile walk home so there wasn't much I could do. I suspect when her baby is older she'll be more sympathetic!

Wow! All the people saying those voting unreasonable must have perfect kids who never have tantrums!
lol!
No, we’re just not entitled parents who think the world should have to listen to our children screaming-we have respect for public spaces and other peoples rights to not have their eardrums burst.
If OP had actively been paying attention to her screaming child then this woman would probably not have interevened-she may even have offered support. Most people have sympathy for a harangued parent struggling to calm their child-but nobody likes to see a parent letting their child scream in public

You were both unreasonable.

She was being unrealistic and precious, a train is a public space, you can’t control the behaviour of others.

But your reaction “you told her in no uncertain terms” sounds aggressive . A simple “He’s 3, his behaviour is perfectly normal he’s having a tantrum”.

Screens are fine, what's not fine is the child thinking they can just cry and basically be a brat until they get their way, when they are told you need to use YOUR screen to check a time. Giving it back is just saying to them it's acceptable behaviour and they use it again and again because they learn you'll give in to shut them up.

Did you miss the part where he is three? Dear lord this place.

wondering if the other mum is going to get through her journey with enough quiet to keep her baby sleeping.

Doors banging, passengers shuffling on and off, groups talking, giggling, announcements, other toddlers performing ( there will be! ) etc

She'll be lucky. She's also going to be so cringe when her baby is 3 and kicking off.

At the very least she should be in 1st class.

What a bizarre thing for her to say, if 'please stop crying/having a tantrum' ever worked as a strategy then there would never be any crying or tantrumming children surely?

I do have children and my children (all 3) do not have tantrums.

I hate this mindset that its automatic normal behavior all children do, its not (outside of children with higher autism that cant understand etc...) its a lack of parents teaching children to actually respond and handle those emotions correctly because they are lazy and taking the easy route then they slap on an 'all children do it' to make themselves feel better.

Loud crying and asking for the phone back was disturbing* *people obviously

And there was enough time for her to get up and ask him to stop

*I do have children and my children (all 3) do not have tantrums.

I hate this mindset that its automatic normal behavior all children do, its not (outside of children with higher autism that cant understand etc...) its a lack of parents teaching children to actually respond and handle those emotions correctly because they are lazy and taking the easy route then they slap on an 'all children do it' to make themselves feel better.*

Wow

Yes and thats the point! If you're only just starting to teach your dc behaviour techniques/discipline/what's acceptable behaviour at 5 or 6 years old then you've left it far too late. These things are done from the get go! Doesn't mean dc won't tantrum or play up/be normal dc, but 3 years old is a perfectly acceptable age to teach a child that it's not acceptable behaviour to tantrum because mum needs her phone for a minute so you can watch the cartoon afterwards.

I can’t make my three year old stop crying. Imagine asking a 3 year to stop crying? I WISH it was that easy !

Personally I wouldn’t have said anything to the lady though . It’s not worth the energy . She will find out when her baby turns three 🙃

And there was enough time for her to get up and ask him to stop

Have you ever tried to check train timetables on a phone. God alive.

This.

You were really rude.

Are you one of those 'free parents'?

Where your little angels feelings are more important than anyone else?

Personally I wouldn’t have said anything to the lady though . It’s not worth the energy . She will find out when her baby turns three 🙃

So true

I once had a random man nicely ask DS to stop crying on a train - he shut up immediately, I was so grateful!

YANBU

The woman was ridiculous

I think you should have been asked. Perhaps 'please could you be quiet'.