Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

This. You were both fraught for different reasons and neither of you acted your best. Forget about it now

Yeah this ^

Asking a child to stop crying never works. If she was trying to distract him and intervening in a positive way I wouldn’t have minded, but she just directed “do you think you could be quiet” at us. The example of the stranger blowing bubbles in the carriage is lovely, just asking isn’t. I felt judged and she got my back up as I was already trying to calm him down and I managed to. Her intervention didn’t help at all. I thought she was going to show him a toy or something to do so, but just asked us to be quiet which is very different.

This whole thing only lasted a few minutes. She could have pushed the baby further down the train but chose to stay where she was.

No one likes others being noisy in public, but it’s a public place. Would she have asked the group of drunk lads to be quiet who got off the train before we got on? Probably not, but I was fair game.

That is probably because in your OP you stated your toddler was having a tantrum, not just crying and youresponded to a polite request, "do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep” with:

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

Which was frankly rude.
Now you have modified the story to reflect better on yourself as people have called you out on your own behaviour

Lol was my Mum on the train book suggestion deleted because I used the word Karen?

Asking a child to stop crying never works.

Apart from all the examples people have given where it does.

I’d have told her to get out of my face. Has she not heard of covid? I had this the other day when DD and I were chatting quietly in the quiet carriage a woman told us to stop talking. Umm you’re allowed to talk, it actually says so on the sign. Get out of my face!

I never really understand the responses to these sorts of threads where people think you can just stop a toddler or pre-school aged child crying or having a tantrum. Makes me want to not take my kid out just in case.

She was unreasonable but you were nasty

No one likes others being noisy in public, but it’s a public place. Would she have asked the group of drunk lads to be quiet who got off the train before we got on? Probably not, but I was fair game.

Oh come on - this is grasping at straws. You have no idea what she would have said to a bunch of drunken lads because they were not there. You are not the victim in this - she asked a polite question, you gave her the bum's rush. Own it.

Huh? I’m totally confused. You’re upset that a woman with a sleeping baby politely asked your child if he could be quiet? What’s wrong with that? If it works, great and if it doesn’t, at least she tried. Why are you upset? Very weird.

This is AIBU gold. Being told I think the world evolves around me and my son and not the other mum. Being told my parenting isn’t up to the job. Wow.

Have your children never cried in public?

I don’t know what the OP said that was rude, the woman asked she said no.

You distract them. If she'd have reinforced the sleeping baby needed quiet, he might have calmed down. If she'd have started telling him a story, he might have calmed down. If she'd have started playing I Spy, he might have calmed down. He won't calm down when he's mom is refusing to try and calm him down.

He kicked off because he wasn't allowed her phone while she checked train times. That's not a good reason for a child to kick off.

I think you’re in the right and she was being pretty outrageous, but I have to say if this happened in a train carriage I was in I’d talk about it for days. A mum-off. It would have really cheered me up on my journey! Drama!

I don't know why you're getting all the arsey responses on here OP. Yes, having a 3 year old have a tantrum on a train isn't ideal, but it happens and toddlers are rarely reasonable. Expecting silence on a train so that your baby can sleep is unrealistic. If I was her, I would have moved if I was that bothered. No way would I have dreamt of going over to someone else's child uninvited and speaking to them like that. If I was you, I would probably have apologised about the noise and polite explained that her actions weren't helping, with a stern look which said 'sod off'. Some people are odd and entitled, and society generally seems to still have the opinion that children should be seen and not heard - try not to worry about it.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers Exactly. You can ask someone something but they don't have to say yes.

And as for the world revolving around the OP, why does the world have to revolve around the other woman.

I don’t see anything wrong with your response. If you travel by public transport, then you can’t expect silence for your sleeping baby. She was massively entitled.

Yes, because that usually works

If I was her, I would have moved if I was that bothered

Exactly this. I’ve travelled on similar trains and there have been times where I’ve simply got up and pushed the pram further down the train if there’s someone nearby being too loud or very clearly unwell. It’s not hard at all to move on such trains!

She was BU to ask but you were BU to allow your child to cry without considering anyone else and telling her you WOULD NOT ask him to stop.

You remind me of my aunt who would let her daughter run wild and indignantly recount stories of people asking her to get her under control.

If my child were being loud I would definitely tell him to stop and think about the others on the train. Not let him carry on and check my phone.

It’s only when it comes to children people think they have the right to tell others what to do.
no one would dare tell off an adult for adult behaviour or an adult for having a pet on the train etc. But everyone thinks they have the right to tell children to shut up, give up a seat-
everyone is a better parent!

Can't believe what I'm reading here.
Your child was behaving so badly that a stranger asked them to be quiet, and rather than being mortified, you are rude to the stranger.
Surely the acceptable response would be " oh I'm so sorry, I'm doing what I can, but he's grouchy after a day out." Then talk to your child, hold them/cuddle them/give them some water and tell them to stop.
Also, why would you let a 3 year old go on your phone? That's surely asking for trouble , both short and longterm.

Perhaps because the OP knows her child and was going to pass him her phone back, perhaps because she’s learnt that HER child responds best when you pay no attention to their tantrum.

I can’t see that you did much wrong to be honest - as long as you spoke to her reasonably.

Fair enough if you were completely ignoring a child that had been screaming for hours, but a couple of minutes tantrum is something people just have to deal with on public transport, same as not being able to control people swearing/being drunk etc. This woman can’t expect the whole carriage to be silent because her baby is asleep.