Page 20 | Mum on the train

MumTrain · 2022-07-24T08:14:25+00:00

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired. It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand. DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon. A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”. I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train. AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

Imverynewhere · 29/07/2022 00:38

I’m a little taken aback at the number of people who say they’d tell their child to stop crying.
They’re little and reactive at 3- to them taking that phone was frustrating and upsetting and out their control. If someone did that to us as adults we’d feel like shouting but because we are adults we’ve learnt to regulate our behaviour- at 3 children haven’t and aren’t really capable of doing so. Children who do “stop crying” when told aren’t likely to be doing so out of politeness but of shame or fear.
Regulation and resilience to things that upset us take years of practice but it starts with an acknowledgment that it’s ok to have negative feelings.
As someone who has been the sleep deprived mum who is desperate for her baby not to wake, the mum with the screaming three year old and the person trying to work to a deadline on a train near relatively loud children, it’s frustrating for all involved when a child is having a tantrum but they’re not being naughty- they’re just trying to tell us how cross/sad/out of control they feel.

SammyScrounge · 29/07/2022 01:13

She wasn,,'t asking the toddler to be quiet; she was asking you to make him quiet.

Touchmybum · 29/07/2022 01:57

You both sound massively entitled tbh!

Marvellousmadness · 29/07/2022 02:10

Your response was such a dick response
Yabu.

Palg68 · 29/07/2022 02:38

SammyScrounge · 29/07/2022 01:13

She wasn,,'t asking the toddler to be quiet; she was asking you to make him quiet.

FFS. Did you want OPS to get the duct tape out??

OPS child was not screaming the train down the entire journey. Some poor comprehension skills on this thread...

Palg68 · 29/07/2022 03:34

Imverynewhere · 29/07/2022 00:38

I’m a little taken aback at the number of people who say they’d tell their child to stop crying.
They’re little and reactive at 3- to them taking that phone was frustrating and upsetting and out their control. If someone did that to us as adults we’d feel like shouting but because we are adults we’ve learnt to regulate our behaviour- at 3 children haven’t and aren’t really capable of doing so. Children who do “stop crying” when told aren’t likely to be doing so out of politeness but of shame or fear.
Regulation and resilience to things that upset us take years of practice but it starts with an acknowledgment that it’s ok to have negative feelings.
As someone who has been the sleep deprived mum who is desperate for her baby not to wake, the mum with the screaming three year old and the person trying to work to a deadline on a train near relatively loud children, it’s frustrating for all involved when a child is having a tantrum but they’re not being naughty- they’re just trying to tell us how cross/sad/out of control they feel.

You wouldn't be on a train if you was sleep deprived. A little local walk perhaps but not a public train. You hear lots of noises on public transport. Also there were likely plenty of other babies on the train perhaps the mother needs to adjust to a way of public transport. You don't always get a quiet train ride. The mother has a lot of confidence to go and approach OP. Personally I wouldn't of dared!

ouch321 · 29/07/2022 04:19

Why were you delighting in your child's crying disturbing everyone?

You sound really anti social like the kids who listen to music on loudspeaker instead of earphones.

I bet she only had to resort to asking him to quieten as you hadn't bothered to do anything.

UnimpeachableBravery · 29/07/2022 07:48

Palg68 · 29/07/2022 03:34

You wouldn't be on a train if you was sleep deprived. A little local walk perhaps but not a public train. You hear lots of noises on public transport. Also there were likely plenty of other babies on the train perhaps the mother needs to adjust to a way of public transport. You don't always get a quiet train ride. The mother has a lot of confidence to go and approach OP. Personally I wouldn't of dared!

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What are you talking about? Most mums of babies are sleep deprived, they don't stop going places, life doesn't just stop.

Clarefromwork · 29/07/2022 08:21

Oh dear @ some of the replies, bet you wish you hadn’t posted now!

I think it’s really strange to go and ask if a toddler can be quiet, like you are just sat there letting them cry without trying to stop them !

if this happened to me I would feel stressed trying to calm my toddler down and then if someone came over to say that it would make me feel even more stressed, why can’t people see that!

If the other lady had posted from her point of view I think the same negative posters would have been negative to her so don’t worry, some people on this site just disagree on aibu as a wind up (I think)!

ItsWrittenintheStars · 29/07/2022 08:34

Some of the responses here are laughable, I wonder if they are like this in real life. Of course, it is crazy to ask a 3yr old to stop crying and expect them to listen straight away. Anyway OP said it was only for a couple of minutes while she checked something.

There is another thread about sleeping in a tent and a child next door having tantrums. The majority of posters there are telling the OP to suck it up. Go figure 🙄

skippink · 29/07/2022 11:21

The comments about why aren’t you stopping your child from crying are ridiculous, from having three children myself and going through the toddler phase they can be unreasonable and it won’t matter what you do or say they will still cry. The woman with the baby will in a couple years probably be in that same position as you was and will only then realise that sometimes a toddler can’t always be reasoned with that’s why there toddlers!

DdraigGoch · 29/07/2022 11:56

ouch321 · 29/07/2022 04:19

Why were you delighting in your child's crying disturbing everyone?

You sound really anti social like the kids who listen to music on loudspeaker instead of earphones.

I bet she only had to resort to asking him to quieten as you hadn't bothered to do anything.

Yesterday on the train a small child (probably under five) was playing some kind of mobile game (at a guess it was some kind of shoot-em-up) with the volume up. Needless to say, for the sake of all of the other passengers' sanity, I (the guard) stepped in and asked his mother to use headphones. She seemed to think that it was an unreasonable request to ask him to wear headphones, but luckily his older sister had more sense and simply turned the sound off.

On that note, playing Paw Patrol at full volume in an enclosed public space is also antisocial. No one wants to hear it, no more than they want to hear sweary "gangsta rap" from a group of teenagers. Come to think of it, I also remember recently a middle-aged man playing music on a loudspeaker. Again, I put my foot swiftly down.

girlfrien · 29/07/2022 13:22

What's wrong with miserable people who thinks the world revolves around them.
I would never approach someone and ask them to be quiet. Just sick it it's life.

I would also politely tell someone to move away from me and mind their own business. I may even tell them they are a misery.

If you want to talk and be friendly to people on trains, buses, whatever fine but don't moan. CF. Haven't read it all but hope you didn't pander to her OP.

sunglassesonthetable · 29/07/2022 13:50

Years ago in the 80s before the smoking ban on planes my dad ( who didn't smoke ) used to choose to sit in the 'Smoking' section because there wouldn't be small children or babies there crying or performing. He said it was much more peaceful.

So for posters suggesting parenting lessons or even a doomed society 🙄 This was 40 odd years ago.

@DdraigGoch So glad you get noisy tech turned down on the train some guards don't seem to.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/07/2022 14:18

DdraigGoch · 29/07/2022 11:56

Yesterday on the train a small child (probably under five) was playing some kind of mobile game (at a guess it was some kind of shoot-em-up) with the volume up. Needless to say, for the sake of all of the other passengers' sanity, I (the guard) stepped in and asked his mother to use headphones. She seemed to think that it was an unreasonable request to ask him to wear headphones, but luckily his older sister had more sense and simply turned the sound off.

On that note, playing Paw Patrol at full volume in an enclosed public space is also antisocial. No one wants to hear it, no more than they want to hear sweary "gangsta rap" from a group of teenagers. Come to think of it, I also remember recently a middle-aged man playing music on a loudspeaker. Again, I put my foot swiftly down.

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We found that playing Slayer on a decent quality portable speaker for less than 30 seconds generally got everybody to suddenly find their earphones on a very long train journey a few years ago. 'Dave, should we be making so much noise?' 'Well, I don't have my earbuds and I can't take any more Ed Sheeran'.

As soon as they stopped with the tinny shit, no more Reign in Blood. It was a very peaceful carriage for the following 3 hours.

cheveux · 29/07/2022 15:06

@sunglassesonthetable your dad is a GENIUS!

SillySausage81 · 29/07/2022 16:52

If the other lady had posted from her point of view I think the same negative posters would have been negative to her so don’t worry, some people on this site just disagree on aibu as a wind up (I think)!

Hard agree with this one. Some people are absolutely hell bent on dreaming up the absolute worst possible reading of the OP. "My child cried for 1 minute while I was checking the train times" has become OP "delighting" in "letting" her child "scream the place down" for "ages" while she did "nothing whatsoever to try and stop him" 😂😂😂 I hope they're not like this with their friends in real life, imagine trying to have a normal conversation with someone who's like that!

sunglassesonthetable · 29/07/2022 17:11

And hard agree with you @SillySausage81

Palg68 · 29/07/2022 17:24

UnimpeachableBravery · 29/07/2022 07:48

What are you talking about? Most mums of babies are sleep deprived, they don't stop going places, life doesn't just stop.

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Can't of been that bad if your truly sleep deprived you would not be on a train. A train is public and public places tend to be noisy. What exactly are you talking about? Trains tend to be noisy it is not some kind of quite library. When I'm tired I wouldn't go up to another mother ... because she too could also of been sleep deprived with a toddler. The other mum was entitled and she would of got an ear full from me.... she's as braisen as you that's what in talking about!

beachcitygirl · 29/07/2022 17:25

Yabu

A 3 year old can absolutely be asked to consider a sleeping baby.

I'm gobsmacked at your unreasonable behaviour to be honest.

Boxowine · 29/07/2022 17:48

Oh boy. This was painful to read. Yes, I agree with PP that sometimes small children may be so surprised at a stranger asking them to be quiet that they accidentally cooperate but I don't think I would do that. I'm at the just grateful it's not my kid phase. I might give the mom a secret smile of commiseration but I would also kind of expect her to at least try to calm him down.

feistyoneyouare · 29/07/2022 17:54

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/07/2022 14:18

We found that playing Slayer on a decent quality portable speaker for less than 30 seconds generally got everybody to suddenly find their earphones on a very long train journey a few years ago. 'Dave, should we be making so much noise?' 'Well, I don't have my earbuds and I can't take any more Ed Sheeran'.

As soon as they stopped with the tinny shit, no more Reign in Blood. It was a very peaceful carriage for the following 3 hours.

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Perfect, I love this 😂

UnimpeachableBravery · 29/07/2022 18:04

Palg68 · 29/07/2022 17:24

Can't of been that bad if your truly sleep deprived you would not be on a train. A train is public and public places tend to be noisy. What exactly are you talking about? Trains tend to be noisy it is not some kind of quite library. When I'm tired I wouldn't go up to another mother ... because she too could also of been sleep deprived with a toddler. The other mum was entitled and she would of got an ear full from me.... she's as braisen as you that's what in talking about!

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Nothing about my response is brazen, I'm not sure you know what the word means.

MamaBearof4 · 29/07/2022 18:31

I'm guessing from your reaction and the need to ask the mumsnetters, that your little one wasn't the only one who was getting a bit tired and cranky that day. It's tiring entertaining a 3 Yr old out and about all day, so you might have reacted a little harsher than usual, forgetting what it was like to have your first baby and finally getting them to sleep, probably being a little sleep-deprived and desperate yourself. You already know that asking a crying tot to stop almost never works, you found that out yourself. This mama will too one day.
Be kind. You never know just what the other person is going through xx

Bluebellsparklypant · 29/07/2022 20:37

Like others have said she could of been trying to help, but anyway I think you could of been a bit more considerate of her feelings and made a polite reply.
I all ways hush my DC if there’s a baby sleeping because I remember what that stage is like, you decided not to but to make an exception for your DC which would of caused a disturbance for the other passengers