Mum on the train

[MumTrain]

Yesterday I was coming home from a day out with DS, aged 3 on the train. We had been out all morning and he was in top form but by the time we got on the train he was understandably tired.

It was a modern train you can walk through with no doors and spacious, wide aisles but still some seats free and no one had to stand.

DS was in the window seat and was standing up so I asked him to sit down and to keep him occupied I gave him my phone to watch a video with on silent so as not to disturb the other passengers. When we were nearly at our stop, I asked for my phone to check the time of our connection and he proceeded to cry as he was watching a cartoon.

A mum who was sat behind me heard all this and came to the aisle, bent down beside us, leaned in. I thought she was going to offer DS a toy or a sweet to cheer him up but instead and said “do you think you could be quiet? My baby is asleep”.

I told her in no uncertain terms that I would not be asking him to stop crying and that we have a baby at home too. She isn’t the first person to have a baby asleep on public transport. She could easily have walked the baby in the buggy further down the train.

AIBU to think that asking a toddler who is crying and having a tantrum to not cry is batshit crazy?

My baby is still under 1 so I’ve got this all to come but I have a strong feeling that asking a toddler to stop crying isn’t going to work. If only it was that simple. I do think you might have been a bit harsh but I understand that you’ll have already been stressed about him making a noise on the train and having someone say something really isn’t helpful.

I don't think the woman was in any way trying to help, she addressed a 3 year old telling him to be quiet because HER baby was sleeping.

YANBU - it’s public transport. So whilst we can all use it, there is a degree of behaviour that we might not display ourselves. It’s fine for her to ask (although slightly unhinged) but also fine that your 3 year old didn’t comply.

why take the baby out or return when it coincides with nap time?? Completely entitled behaviour in my opinion. Also assuming she would have asked your child to keep the noise down if they were chattering excitedly so the tantrum/crying is a red herring - it was the noise that might have woken the sleeping baby.

Yes I had three and I didn’t let them just kick off on trains, planes, buses, supermarkets or church. I was strict but by the time they reached the age of three I could pretty much take them anywhere. They needed cajoling and attention but I didn’t just let them tantrum and throw my hands up in the air and say ‘oh well it’s a tantrum that’s it over for my parental responsibility’ - you anticipate, distract and keep them as calm as you can - for the sake of consideration of other people around you - and your own ear drums. The amount of people who happily let their child scream their lungs out in supermarkets - why can they cope with the ear piercing shrieking? It’s unfathomable to me.

@UWhatNow

Excellent work from you.

Not sure where OP or anyone is saying "oh well that's it for my parental responsibility...etc" That's such rubbish.

Not everyone is as agile as you pre empting, and running the show clearly. . Sometimes, yes, sometimes you end up between a rock and a hard place and yes it does happen!!!God alive. Who the hell actually likes or wants their DC to kick off in public.

OP didn't!

It's unfathomable to me the lack of complete empathy from the parenting experts who obviously never ever dropped the ball.

@StellaGibson2022 and would she have tackled a group of blokes making noise…. I doubt it.

Kids can be annoying on the train for sure but the downright unpleasant/ drunk are always adults. Bizarre how we don’t have loads of posts complaining about that 🤔

The woman was out of line speaking directly to your 3 year old because her baby was sleeping, at best she should have spoke to you. Would she rather be sitting beside a crowd of drunk youngsters shouting with the f word every 2 minutes 🙄. Quite unrealistic to expect complete silence from a toddler on public transport so yanbu to be annoyed.

I don't think you were wrong to respond sounding annoyed as her behaviour wasn't great, however I do think yabu to have told her you were not going to try to quieten your child and she should move to another seat, I'd have told her to address you about it if she has a problem with your child's noise, and you'll try your best but toddlers can't be kept quiet.

Obviously I am not comparing a child to an adult. I'm saying lessons taught when young result in adults who know how to be considerate etc. I'm not saying he'll instantly function as a grown adult 😂, but that all these things that happen when we are little are a learning opportunity if parents engage positively.
Can't believe I am actually needing to explain this... 😐

Perfect parent brigade are well and truly out in force.

This.

@BooneyBeautiful then the perfect parents will be sneering about screen time.

Oh come on now 😂 you know I am not saying the child stays home until they can be a 'pro social adult' 😂😂 although I like the fun twist. I'm simply saying, even I he carried on screaming the place down, I personally would try to use the situation to teach my 3yo about public spaces, noise... and yes there may be no instant change in behavior, that's fine, but repeated teaching of social skills, however much you may sneer, is really really important. You can't just start teaching them how to behave in public at 10yo. 3 is the perfect age. Buy hey, we'll agree to disagree. We are all different in our styles.

It's unfathomable to me the lack of complete empathy from the parenting experts who obviously never ever dropped the ball
How about empathy for other people who are effected by lack of what really is basic parenting skills.

This thread makes me think that many to be parents would benefit from parenting classes before having children. Disciplining a child is something all parents should feel assertive about.

I was thinking more of a colouring book & crayons, or maybe a small travel game etc. The OP had given her DS her mobile phone, so that is a screen anyway! I think it can often be tricky with toddlers anyway, no matter what they have to keep them amused!

It’s crazy to expect silence but worth a try!!!

I'd be much more likely to speak with adults personally, and I have when they're swearing. A polite "Guys, sorry to intrude but I have a little one here who's learning too many new words today."
I've only ever had a positive response.

@MumTrain

I voted YANBU and I'll tell you for why...she WAS batshit crazy! Im th mum of a toddler and I know how much hard work they can be. She knew she was pushing your buttons by asking you since she's a mum herself. If you're anything like me, that situation would already have been a stressful one without BS crazy woman being a total pain in the bum!

I really hope one day her children act similar and she gets a similar response, so she can see what a horrible thing shd did!!

🙄 seriously do they think we like when our children cry in public and we let them/encourage them for amusement?

a month ago, first time my 6 months old was traveling by airplane 2h journey he behaved wonderfully but close to the end of the flight (last 30min or so) he was clearly fed up of being on my lap and started to fidget. Mid afternoon flight so not when people would sleep- I took the ipad out and out on sensory play video for him on a very low volume (row behind and in front of us could not hear it) a woman from 3 rows back was walking to the loo and spotted the video and shook her head, on her way back to her seat she demanded me to turn it of as it was giving her a head ache! I politely said sorry and turn it off but then (of course) DS started to cry and she wasn’t happy and grunted at me to keep him quiet 🙄 seriously if we had powers to turn a cry off immediately we would use them!

*How about empathy for other people who are effected by lack of what really is basic parenting skills.

This thread makes me think that many to be parents would benefit from parenting classes before having children. Disciplining a child is something all parents should feel assertive about.*

Dear me. Parenting classes now!

Perhaps her DC has never cried in public before and never will again.

He cried for a minute!

Seriously people are getting this out of proportion! And Nooooooo their kids NEvER made a noise in public. Get Real.

I so agree with @UWhatNow in their first paragraph

Of all the things in the world that are “batshit crazy”, I’m not sure that the mother of a sleeping baby asking the mother of a toddler en route to a tantrum to try to shush him even registers on the scale of “batshit crazy”

Bah ha ha h oh bless her she’s a Wally. People with babies always think the world evolves around them. She’ll soon realise no one cares that much. She’s an idiot.

So many posters whose DC never ever cried in public!

I'm in awe of this 'parenting ' skills.

So when your toddler, kicks off in the supermarket, and you get that feeling that people are judging you. They really are!
You're not imagining it!

And they're here.

And crying with laughter about the posts about parenting classes😂God help us all.

Of all the things in the world that are “batshit crazy”, I’m not sure that the mother of a sleeping baby asking the mother of a toddler en route to a tantrum to try to shush him even registers on the scale of “batshit crazy”

That's your personal scale obviously.

To be honest, you both sound like tired, stressed out and a little bit precious mums - which I think we all can be guilty of sometimes!