Strange man judged me for putting hand gel on my 2 year olds hands. AIBU?

[NojudgementMum]

I was in a queue in a cafe today and I had my 2 year old DS with me in his buggy. I looked down and notice his hands were mucky and I didn’t have wipes or tissue with me. So I grabbed a small bit of hand gel from the counter and rubbed some on his hands to clean off the muck.

This older man standing behind me stared at me and said “he’ll have that rubbed into his eyes any second now”. His tone was cold as he glared at me judgementally!

It took me a few seconds to register what he said because I was so shocked and taken a back by his intrusion.

I would never put my son in danger, I only used a tiny bit of gel and waited for it to dry in fully so he wouldn’t put it in his mouth or near his face!

Who does this man think he is judging me like that? He stood there on his own in his nice suit, seemingly having a stress-free day, meanwhile I’m struggling to do my best and get through these long summer days with my 2 children (DD was in camp)!

Why can’t people mind their own business?! What right do men have to judge mums like this? The fact that he was a man pissed me off even more! He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

AIBU?

OP, I've already commented, but I still stand with you. I had these comments back in 1985 with my first. The men doing the commenting wasn't hands on dads. It's an extension of policing women's behaviour. Why there's a denial of this happening I don't know. I saw it time and time again around mask wearing. Even bus drivers would only tackle the women.

In this article she states that the men ignored the male cyclists and targeted her as the only woman.
www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.walesonline.co.uk/news/woman-left-petrified-visibly-shaking-24568084.amp&ved=2ahUKEwiI1uiRvo_5AhUJfMAKHRw7B7kQFnoECBcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw2eURkjpu11310Xe9jvE75O

What right do men have to judge mums like this? The fact that he was a man pissed me off even more! He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

It was a passing comment from him - and you sound far more judgemental than he did. For your information my husband is in his 60s - and did more than his fair share of child care and nappy changing. My father is in his 80s and was also hands on. So yes, YABU for deciding he judged you when you are even more judging - with no evidence whatsoever.

OP, I've already commented, but I still stand with you. I had these comments back in 1985 with my first. The men doing the commenting wasn't hands on dads.

But for you to say they weren't hands on dads, means you knew them, yes?

The OP doesn't know this man, so has no idea whether he was/is a hands on dad or whether he's a dad at all.

She just made plain old sexist and ageist assumptions about him.

OP unfortunately your thread has drawn out the permanently contrary of Mumsnet, waiting in the wings to gaslight you into thinking you are somehow wrong.

The man was rude, you were not rude.

Men like this are bullies who like to humiliate young mothers, actually rather like half of Mumsnet posters.

He knew you were unlikely to answer back or cause a scene in front of your child and he would definitely have not said anything had your DC been with their dad.

I’m only “judging” him because he unkindly stuck his nose in my business and judged me. Had he not, I wouldn’t have looked twice at him!

I’ve already clarified that I don’t think all men are useless with kids!

I don’t know why all these women are piling on, where’s the sisterhood and solidarity amongst us mothers?

I feel like misogyny runs rampant amongst women, even more so than men at times! 🙄

I don’t know why all these women are piling on, where’s the sisterhood and solidarity amongst us mothers?

Oh stop it.

Hopefully most women will call out ageism and sexism even when the person being ageist and sexist, is a woman.

'Sisterhood' and 'solidarity' should never be an excuse to keep quiet.

I put hand sanitiser on my one year old. Like you I rub it fully in and wait for it to dry. Once while waiting at a n e with my DD (for something unrelated) I thought she might accidentally taken a sip from the hand sanitiser bottle I'd given her to playbto stop her from crying. Since we were at a n e anyway I asked the doctor about it and they said even if she did it wouldn't make any difference whatsoever. It wouldn't have hurt her even if she'd had half the bottle.

How many men of sixty or even in their sixties were fathers in the seventies? You don’t half make ridiculous comments. And actually you have to take care with hand sanitiser and young children because of the alcohol.

You completely over-reacted to a single comment - and you've completely over-reacted on this thread.

The comment may have been mildly irritating. Your excessive judgment of the man based on it, and his appearance, is completely wrong.

I put hand gel on my 2 year old everytime we leave a shop.

I'd have just ignored his comment although it wouldn't have made any difference to me where it was a man or woman who made it.

To be fair, he has got a point - it'll taste disgusting when your DS inevitably puts his hands in his mouth!

For all those saying I’m over reacting, being sensitive and making a big deal over nothing, thanks for the mass gaslighting! It feels pretty shit to have my feelings completely invalidated.

I came here for support and to have a rant!
I didn’t realise how many women are quick to jump to a man’s defense, especially when he is a complete stranger and when I said absolutely nothing to him in return. I politely walked away.

I'm one of the posters saying you are over-reacting but not because im defending the man, it's because I can't quite understand how anyone who leaves the house on a regular basis could be even madly surprised never mind so shocked that people say stupid stuff to strangers

It happens all the time, why do you even care what some random man/woman/old person/young person thinks about your use of hand sanitizer?

Because it’s rude. Because I was having a stressful day, I’ve already explained why.

Some of you are picking up and highlighting particular words I’m using getting hung up on semantics!

So you agree then that people say stupid stuff to strangers? Well that’s my main point, he said something stupid and I was having a rant to you all about it! I wish people would stop saying stupid stuff to strangers was my main point! I guess we’re agreed on this!

You getting hung up solely on my reaction to the event is what’s gaslighty and not pleasant.

Word of advise, don’t tell your loved ones to stop having emotions?

Shocked and taken aback, aww hun, are you ok 🙄

Oh FFS stop looking for offense everywhere

Did the cafe have toilet facilities?

He was right if that gets in the kids eyes it's not gonna be fun, never mind what it does to young sensitive skin PLUS most hand gel tastes absolutely awful so I would have taken the little one to the loo to wash their hands or just waited to eat when we got home

I'm with you, OP. There was no need for this man to say anything to you. I'm absolutely certain he wouldn't have said it to another man. I would ignore a lot of comments on here, people just want to be contrary for the sake of it. Try not to let it get you down. Have no idea why people such as this man can't just mind their own business.

I'm just interested which decade you meant. As a man in his 60s isn't generally of the generation where dinner needs to be on the table / sole breadwinner etc. I was wondering how much you actually understood of the previous generations and how / when there was a change, because it doesn't look like you do. And so when you're telling people to educate themselves, I'm thinking that you might want to take your own advice.

You made a massive assumption about this person. Is that right or fair? And then you feel shit because your feelings didn't get validated? You just came here for validation? Oh dear.

I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day

Sweeping sexist generalisation

@NojudgementMum if you are going to get that upset over such a small comment you need to toughen yourself up. You'll be in for a miserable ride as your child grows up.
I don't think I'd have even noticed such a small comment.

For all those saying I’m over reacting, being sensitive and making a big deal over nothing, thanks for the mass gaslighting! It feels pretty shit to have my feelings completely invalidated

@NojudgementMum Disagreeing with you doesn't mean people are gaslighting you - just so you know

Gaslighting? it's a difference of opinion!
I would have judged you for putting gel on your two year old, but I wouldn't have said anything, it's hardly life threatening. You really need to get a thicker skin.