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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Strange man judged me for putting hand gel on my 2 year olds hands. AIBU?

126 replies

NojudgementMum · 22/07/2022 23:40

I was in a queue in a cafe today and I had my 2 year old DS with me in his buggy. I looked down and notice his hands were mucky and I didn’t have wipes or tissue with me. So I grabbed a small bit of hand gel from the counter and rubbed some on his hands to clean off the muck.

This older man standing behind me stared at me and said “he’ll have that rubbed into his eyes any second now”. His tone was cold as he glared at me judgementally!

It took me a few seconds to register what he said because I was so shocked and taken a back by his intrusion.

I would never put my son in danger, I only used a tiny bit of gel and waited for it to dry in fully so he wouldn’t put it in his mouth or near his face!

Who does this man think he is judging me like that? He stood there on his own in his nice suit, seemingly having a stress-free day, meanwhile I’m struggling to do my best and get through these long summer days with my 2 children (DD was in camp)!

Why can’t people mind their own business?! What right do men have to judge mums like this? The fact that he was a man pissed me off even more! He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

AIBU?

OP posts:
DockOTheBay · 23/07/2022 08:29

Sometimes people say things as a way of making conversation or being friendly. I was playing a game with my daughter the other day, pretending to drop her and saying "whoops" making her laugh. A man said to me "careful, don't drop her!" Which I chose to take in a joking, joining in with the game, way. However I could have assumed he was being cold and judgemental and passing comment on my parenting. People are so easily offended these days and think the worst of everyone.

HoppingPavlova · 23/07/2022 08:31

Well you are in for a wild ride if that disturbed you enough to come home, stew on it, get onto Mumsnet and have a rant. You need to just shut your ears and put it straight out of your mind unless you want to go gaga for the next 15 odd years.

Ontomatopea · 23/07/2022 08:32

He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day! judgy much? You have no idea of his circumstances.

Anyway. Just say thanks random man and move on.

saveforthat · 23/07/2022 08:34

YABU for the " most men in their 60s never lifted a finger" comment. I am in my 60s and this is complete bollocks. When my children were young DH and all my friends DH/DPs were hands on Dads.

Soubriquet · 23/07/2022 08:35

Unfortunately, when you are out and about alone as a parent with a small child, you will receive random comments all the time.

I once had a man have a right to at me, because I dared to cross the road before the green man showed up.

The road was clear. I wasn’t going to wait ages until it came up. I wanted to teach my children to cross the road when it’s safe and not rely on just a green man.

My youngest piped up with “mummy, why is that man shouting at you?”

I replied loudly so he would hear, “it’s because he’s a rude man sweetie and doesn’t know how to keep his opinion to himself”

He stormed off with a face like a slapped arse

MuffinMcLayLikeABundleOfHay · 23/07/2022 08:37

He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

60s not 90s.

TheGoogleMum · 23/07/2022 08:38

When DD was 2 and the pandemic was still affecting things I did put gel on her hands. She liked having it and some places we went asked everyone to do if. She didn't rub her eyes after (she still likes to gel her hands if she sees me do it)

saveforthat · 23/07/2022 08:39

PS (because this has really annoyed me). How many threads do you see on here from women moaning how there DP never does anything for the children or around the house? Some of them don't even work and are on the playstation all day. So "back in the day" wasn't that bad thanks.

IglesiasPiggl · 23/07/2022 08:41

The appropriate response to the judgement of people whose opinions you don’t want is "Thank you for your input" then turn your back and forget about it.

Pinkywoo · 23/07/2022 08:44

Justcallmebebes · 22/07/2022 23:52

Total non issue but I do agree with him

I put hand gel on my two year old yesterday, after I looked away for five seconds and turned back to find him trying to give me a fag end he'd fished out of an ashtray. Trust me, they've had much worse on their hands than gel!

I'd have just said "no he won't Hmm" with a Paddington Bear stare, but I've worked in pubs for twenty years and have very little tolerance for The Wisdom of Men. Grin

NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 23/07/2022 08:48

The thing is, it’s all well and good saying “why are you giving this comment any thought”. We don’t know OPs situation, if someone had said
something like this to me in the throws of a depressive episode it would have spiralled me, and this is why we don’t make asinine comments to anyone! It wasn’t helpful, it wasn’t vital safety information, it was just a random man who HAD to flap his gums and give you his oh so wise and sage like thoughts.

It’s hard to do, but let these idiotic comments wash over you OP. Best to ignore them as it gives the mouthpieces more fodder when you start engaging evening negatively

Aprilx · 23/07/2022 08:50

Strange use of hand sanitiser, I cannot imagine using hand sanitiser if I had stiff on my hands that I need to get off, I would expect it would make even more of a mess! Anyway, it was a passing comment and I am sure you imagined the “cold stare”. I really hate the over use of “judging” accusations, he just spoke.

You on the other hand have been both sexist and ageist in your comments about him and if there were any unfounded judging here, then it was certainly done by you.

Spinzy · 23/07/2022 08:52

Just ignore. I don't think it's because he's male, I think women are just as likely to do this. I only had strange judgey comments from older people, but I also got more supportive, friendly comments from them too. I think older generations are just more likely to talk to strangers while out and about.

The weirdest one I ever had was when I was sat in an almost empty Sainsbury's cafe with my three year old. He wanted to get his own cutlery and was being so cute and sensible, so proud of himself for doing it. He was happily chatting away to me and an elderly lady sat with her son a few tables away was keeping up a running commentary of how awful a parent I was and how out of control he was. She sat there watching us and shook her head every time we moved or spoke. My son hadn't noticed so I ignored it. Then her son absolutely blew up at her and started shouting that we were doing nothing wrong, we're just normal people doing normal things and nobody else cares, only her because she's hateful. He went on for a bit defending us and then told her this is why nobody ever wants to spend time with her and he's going to take her back if she doesn't stop it. All the while completely avoiding eye contact with us and not acknowledging me at all despite very loudly discussing us. That was pretty awkward! But I bet most people around you thought his comment was rude and unnecessary.

KarlWrenbury · 23/07/2022 08:53

Obviously you’re way over thinking this whole thing.

KarlWrenbury · 23/07/2022 08:54

DockOTheBay · 23/07/2022 08:26

This older man standing behind me stared at me and said “he’ll have that rubbed into his eyes any second now”. His tone was cold as he glared at me judgementally! I think you may be reading more into it than there was.

He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day! How do you know how he parented his kids, having met him for 20 seconds in a queue? Plenty of 60 year old men were/are hands on Dads and Grandads.

All of this. OP. You need a hobby.

Sprogonthetyne · 23/07/2022 08:57

He's a dick. Every toddler at DD's nursery had their hands gelled on the way in last year, with no issues. My three year old now loves putting in on in shops.

WhackingPhoenix · 23/07/2022 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Is “fat arsehole” not a nasty comment or dig, then? Confused

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 23/07/2022 08:59

It took me a few seconds to register what he said because I was so shocked and taken a back by his intrusion

Does shocked mean something different now? How could anyone be so affected by a total non issue? How do you get through life with that kind of over reaction to everyday nonsense?

Erictheavocado · 23/07/2022 09:03

He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day

I'm in my 60's and my dh was very much a 'hands on' dad to our dcs, as were the husbands /partners of most of our friends and relatives who had dcs around that time. In fact, both our fathers were also very involved in our upbringing due to (different) health issues affecting my DM and MIL.
As it happens, my dh who is nearer to 70 than 60, still minds dgs several times a week so that our D's and dil can work.
OP, you have no idea of the random man's circumstances and your judgement of him is as bad as you perceived his judgement of you to be.

dworky · 23/07/2022 09:05

Marvellousmadness · 22/07/2022 23:50

I wouldnt put hand gel on a 2yo tbh..

but Who cares that it was a man saying it
You would have been offended if it w as a woman as well. Admit it 😆

This commment Its not worth making a thread for. In one ear out the other and continue your life.

Because it's unlikely he'd have spoken like that to a man with a child.

theghostwriter · 23/07/2022 09:10

Very amusing to see people taking the trouble to post about how they wouldn't have taken the trouble to post about this.

I always enjoy that but then I have a profound sense of irony.

rainbowstardrops · 23/07/2022 09:10

Why didn't you just take your child to the toilets to wash their hands properly? (Missing the point).
I think you are being incredibly judgemental btw.
I honestly can't believe you're offended by this!

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 23/07/2022 09:20

Hand gel evaporates pretty quickly doesn't it so unlikely to get in his eyes (misses point a bit!)

People like to comment on all sorts don't they. One of my DC went through a phase of trying to climb out/stand up in the trolley seat. One time, as I wrestled him back into a seating position for the 100th time a random woman said 'you shouldn't let him to that, he'll fall out and hurt himself!' As if i actively encouraging it rather than struggling to get an inflexible toddler to bend a bit!

Said DS is 15 now and is out this morning at his regular gymnastics. He did fall off a trolley recently but that was when he his older DB were messing about!

110APiccadilly · 23/07/2022 09:21

He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

I know a bloke in his seventies who used to do the night feeds (and his wife was a SAHP). My great-grandfather was a single dad. I could go on, but your nasty ageist assumption is nasty and ageist.

Also hand sanitizer isn't good for young children's skin.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/07/2022 09:23

Why can’t people mind their own business?! What right do men have to judge mums like this? The fact that he was a man pissed me off even more! He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

Who's judging now?!