Strange man judged me for putting hand gel on my 2 year olds hands. AIBU?

[NojudgementMum]

I was in a queue in a cafe today and I had my 2 year old DS with me in his buggy. I looked down and notice his hands were mucky and I didn’t have wipes or tissue with me. So I grabbed a small bit of hand gel from the counter and rubbed some on his hands to clean off the muck.

This older man standing behind me stared at me and said “he’ll have that rubbed into his eyes any second now”. His tone was cold as he glared at me judgementally!

It took me a few seconds to register what he said because I was so shocked and taken a back by his intrusion.

I would never put my son in danger, I only used a tiny bit of gel and waited for it to dry in fully so he wouldn’t put it in his mouth or near his face!

Who does this man think he is judging me like that? He stood there on his own in his nice suit, seemingly having a stress-free day, meanwhile I’m struggling to do my best and get through these long summer days with my 2 children (DD was in camp)!

Why can’t people mind their own business?! What right do men have to judge mums like this? The fact that he was a man pissed me off even more! He was in his 60s and I’d say like most men back then he never lifted a finger to help with his own kids back in the day!

AIBU?

You are ageist. You said that most men in their 60s didn’t lift a finger with children. If I said most black men didn’t lift a finger to assist with childrcare I would quite rightly be told that was a racist comment, because it is. And your comment is ageist and also sexist. I am afraid saying that you have granddads that help does not change that.

‘He looked very relaxed on his own, as I struggled on a very hot day on little sleep’. Oh mate.

Just another garden variety misogynistic cunt. Random men can just fuck the fuck off.

And I attempted to apologise in my message. Maybe I made a sweeping comment and it’s not coming across well online.

However, I stand by my comment and will say that some men didn’t lift a finger back then. It was the norm then, many women were left to change dirty nappies as well as do all the housework. In some countries it was illegal for women to work up until the 70s so they were housebound, with many many doing nothing to help them with children at home.

These are all facts! Do some research.

You are the one harshly labelling me “sexist and “ageist”. Do you yourself maybe like to put people in boxes?

Are you not open to a debate, or able to deal with complexity in others opinions?

So if a young man, young woman, older woman or older man who didn't look polished, had said this to you in a cold and judgemental tone, that would have been OK with you? Or would you not have imagined the cold and judgemental tone in that instance?

He looked very relaxed on his own, as I struggled on a very hot day on little sleep

The utter, utter bastard.

Did he have some sort of magic clothes on that made the world a different temperature for him?

I'm quite chilled today as I have had a decent nights' sleep.
Didn't realise that this was such a crime.
I'll make sure I set my alarm for every hour tonight just so that you can't judge me.

Seriously people would pounce on anything ! You’re clearly committed to your view, as am I.

everything in communication comes down to tone, body language, first impressions, and even sadly appearances at times.

You weren’t there. That was the impression I got of the time of person he was.

Are you seriously telling me you don’t make judgment calls on people you meet every day? !

We all do it, if even subconsciously!

Give us a break!

However, I stand by my comment and will say that some men didn’t lift a finger back then. It was the norm then, many women were left to change dirty nappies as well as do all the housework. In some countries it was illegal for women to work up until the 70s so they were housebound, with many many doing nothing to help them with children at home.

Sixty year olds weren't parents in 1970.

It wasn't illegal for women to work in the UK, or do you live somewhere else?

Some men didn't lift a finger then, some men don't lift a finger now. However it's not accurate to say all or even most men, or assume either way because of this man's clothing.

So you both judged! But really he didn't
'judge', he just made a statement. Now just try and get through today thinking happy thoughts.

Maybe he meant to as a joke or passing comment of solidarity (tut what are kids like ha) kind of thing. But some older men are not very expressive so it’s hard to read tone.I think women are socialised to be more expressive in non verbal cues/smiley etc. Poor you though - it’s really not nice to feel judged about parenting, however it was intended.

Interesting, all annoyingly/intolerant comments about my kids have come from men. Most recently a man informed me ‘this is not a crèche’ in a shop while my toddler was babbling and pointing at toys in the pushchair (aka existing)

I was surprised as women have a reputation for being more judgmental (“it’s the women who are the worst”) but women have only ever been helpful and kind to me while out with the kids.

Oh wow you’re a comedian!

Did I say it was a crime to have a decent nights sleep? Where did I say that?

I was painting the picture of the scene and the person I encountered, that’s all.

I used many other words to describe him such as Trumpian, which I see you left out in your hilarious comment?

Wow some of you are incapable of nuance.

I can relate your point about privilege and don’t think it’s irrelevant for what it’s worth. Incidentally, the two men who were rude to me/my kids were well heeled types in a very affluent area of London. It does irk when they look unruffled and cool and wealthy (probably with loads of household help) and you’re wrestling with a pushchair and swearing buckets! Talk about punching down. Urgh!

Every post gets worse. No one needs to ‘do some research’ - YOU'RE the one making the claim. No one has to prove your claim for you.

FYI, the man who dared to judge you when he’s wearing a suit and who has the temerity to be over 60 isn’t the only one judging you.

Yes and you’re the one countering the claim!

So you should do some reading on how women were treated by men in the 1900s, and still many to this day.

I can’t say for absolutely sure that he was one of these men but given he was obnoxious enough to comment and patronise a solo younger mother, kind of told me what “type” he was, aside from what he was wearing, etc.

The fact that he is 60 is irreverent, I just happened to mention it given how things were different back then and many women treated with disdain.

Again, did I say he had the temerity to be over 60? Maybe this is a sore point for you.

You need to learn how to form an argument.

You shouldn’t be putting sanitiser on a 2 year old’s hands. It’s not suitable or safe for them.

You also cannot call yourself “no judgement mum” and then make appalling judgements about the man you encountered (who was right) and posters on this thread.

Regardless of how sleep deprived and hot you are, there’s no need to be so rude and cop an attitude like you have done.

No one has a right to interfere and tell another mother how to parent! It’s kind of sick.

At the end of the day we all judge. And yes I did, but I was kind enough not to respond to him or say anything harsh, that’s the difference.

No one should be commenting on others parenting. Not this man, nor you!

And for the record no where does it say it’s not safe for children to have sanitiser. A quick Google will show you that.

I had no other choice, you’d probably be whining and judging me if my son went around with dirty hands! You can’t win!

Not necessarily this instance, but it's too sweeping a statement to say no one should ever comment on someone else's parenting.

Overall, he didn't need to say what he said but you need to really chill out generally.

You need to learn how to form an argument.

😆😆😆

Indeed :-)

Sure, but the OP didn't have a tissue.

People can comment on other people's parenting if they want. Nothing you can do about it.

You say things were different back then for this 60 year old male. When exactly is 'back then' to you? 1980s? 1990s? Earlier?

Absolutely they can, you’re right. I’m just pointing out that it’s not very kind or smart to do so.

Would it really make a different if I choose a decade? Would that soothe you, or would you just find more holes to pick in what I right and continue arguing!