That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

Well, considering how his parents have enabled him to be a little shit for 22 years, his behaviour can hardly come as a surprise to either of them.

I mean, I would go and collect my parents in that scenario but my parents didn't hand everything to be on a silver platter and wash my pants and iron my clothes when I was 22 years old 🤷🏻‍♀️

You reap what you sow. Hand your kids everything and skivvy around after them and they're not going to treat you with respect.

Why are you walking on egg shells around him?

Are you scared of him or worried that you’ll upset him and he’ll move out?

Your DH is nothing to do with this, it should be you that has a word with him.

I’m not in the kick him out camp but he doesn’t respect you and you’re at risk of him leaving and never speaking to you again which I think you’d hate.

He’s already doing much more for his GF than you.
I wonder if he’d pick his dad up in this scenario - I’m guessing he would.

You have to give him something to respect, else he’s just going to resent you and you can start by having a chat about how disappointed you are that he didn’t pick you up when you do so much for him.

He may push back at first because he’s not used to you having any boundaries but he’ll think about it and realise you’re right.

If I knew my mum (one who is letting him live at home rent free while she runs around after him) was going to have to walk home at 2am and I was at home, with a car. I'd get off my arse and collect her so she was safe.

So would .

Because I'm not an entitled little shit.

But he's an entitled little shit because his parents have raised him that way and enabled his piss poor behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

You say the lift isn't the point but it's an example of him treating her with contempt and not giving a shit about her.

Yes, but you reap what you sow. If you allow yourself to be walked over and treated like dirty, you can hardly be surprised when you're continually treated like dirt.

Even if you think she should have organised it sooner, surely you can see how this is an example of that?

Of course, but I think it's the wrong thing to focus on. They should be angry at themselves for allowing their son to behave this way for (presumably) years. OP has chosen to skivvy about cleaning his pants and then wonders why he doesn't respect her 🤷🏻‍♀️

The son appears to be a typical one that is now taking advantage of a mollycoddling mum. At this age and in that situation many are like that and very selfish. The sooner he moves out and or you stop doing the chasing the better for all of you. Young people, most of them feel their parents are too nosey and they feel they know what they want and you are talking rubbish. Stop chasing him around and stop seeking lifts. If you can go out for a good time, I'm sure you can make it back home safely or return early as it is often a lot safer before 9pm

Jeezus wept

Make him pay rent, even if it’s only a small amount.

Make him buy and cook all his own food

He has to wash all his own clothing and do his own chores.

Bills you can pay as normal but stop being a doormat.

He doesn’t respect you. Make him

Don't talk about kicking him out or who buys food etc.

Talk about how he treats you. And how it's utterly unacceptable, how hurt you are, how disrespectful it is, how you do not deserve this and you will not tolerate it.
Tell him you expect respect, courtesy, and mutual support. As he is now another adult living in the house.

You have allowed this dynamic to develop, if you act like a doormat people will wipe their feet on you. It's human nature to be lazy when there's no consequence or expectation. It's human nature not to respect someone who is too afraid to defend themselves from even small insults.
That doesn't excuse him, he's developed utterly unacceptable ways of treating you, but also, you have let him.

So now stop.
Go into his room, and say he needs to get up and come downstairs as you need to have a serious discussion.
Take control. Tell him straight, how you see his behaviour, how it makes you feel and how it needs to change. last night was one example, also give examples of others.

Then start challenging him every time it happens and he is disrespectful. Even in small ways.

Agreed.
He left his own mother to be attacked or ran over in the dark by a car as it's rural.

I don't think he would care if she died other than that his cushy lifestyle will be over.
An apprenticeship! Who cares he's hardly a surgeon.
This person has low expectations all around.

You need to call him out every time he pulls a face or is rude to you.. a simple ’What’s that face for, I have done nothing to you.’ It’s become an acceptable habit to him, and chances are huge that he will do the same to his gf later on. Your dh needs to stand up to him too.

There's no way I'd have my child at 22 living at home with his gf cooking and cleaning of them. I'd let them to rent a place. He's taking advantage.

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.
It is this passivity & refusal to speak up, or act, for yourself that has allowed your son to start treating you with such contempt.

Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
You need more than words, & it needs to come from both of you.
How much is DS saving if he's "grabbing food" when he's out all the time?
He can afford to live as a carefree young man because you are subsidising him.
You need to stop. It's not doing him any favours - or his g/f, who will bear the brunt of his domestic incompetence, should they ever move out & live together.
Stop doing his washing & ironing FFS - he is a grown man with a job.Stop buying his food. Both you & DH sit him down & give him both barrels.
He is behaving like an entitled brat, & the enabling stops now. If he wants to continue living at home, he does not just do his own laundry from now on, but takes a share of ALL chores. Give him a list. He buys a share of food, he menu plans & cooks for all of you at least twice a week. If asked for a lift, he does not get the option to ignore you. Make it very clear how outrageously selfish & unacceptable his behaviour about this was.
He can also start paying a nominal sum in rent, as he seems to be unable to respect the free room & board he is enjoying from you.

You are avoiding this in case he kicks off, or moves out.
I can understand your fear, but - it's not working for you is it? You have inadvertently created a monster. Find your backbone & put him back on the right course. He's treating you like dirt because you are allowing him to. Time to show him who's boss, & who's house it is.

You all need to sit down together and discuss this - including the girlfriend.
Explain all that you do, completely rent free, and it's not acceptable to behave the way he is.
I'd be making it clear that he needs to either step up or ship out.
Oh and stop being his skivvy too. He's a grown man!

I'm sure he's quaking in his boots at the thought of your DH having words🙄Your pathetic parenting has caused him to be like this, but you won't take anything anyone has said onboard, you reap what you sow.

You've created a selfish monster not a lovely lad. I'd be so ashamed if my adult child acted like this towards anyone ket alone their mother. His poor girlfriend is in for a hell of a time once the novelty wears off for him.

I think you need to start making him pay rent, stop doing his washing and insist he keeps his room clean. All the other adults in the house do this so why shouldn't he?

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.

You need to be there and join in with the "words" too. You and DH need to be on the same page and DS needs to be in no doubt about that.

He is an entitled 22 year old brat (not a "good lad") who doesn't respect you. Stop running around after him so much. Pull him up on his behaviour and say that if he can't learn to respect you then he can't live with you. Mean it.

I'd certainly stop the rent free arrangement unless he can a) start showing you respect and b) prove that he is actually saving hard for a deposit on a property. He might be simply taking the piss.

Living rent free and totally ungrateful. He is actually saving though isn't he?

I'd give up doing anything for him and tell him to move out by a given date. Giving you a lift is the least he could do. You are being too nice to someone who takes you for granted.

I would sit him down and say it's obvious that him living at home isn't working any more. There is obvious resentment building on both sides in this situation and that's not great for either of you. Say even though you know it will make it harder for him to save, for both your sakes he needs to get out into the real world and take charge of his own life. Then you can rebuild your relationship as mother and adult son.

Perhaps I have misunderstood, but did you text him to ask if he could pick you up after you had gone out? I agree that he is being a knob with his general attitude, and should tell him that letting him live here rent free does not mean he can treat you like crap, but if the positions were reversed and it was "my 22 year old son texted me after he went out for the evening asking me if I could pick him up. I said I wasn't sure as I was feeling a bit tired and might fancy an early night, and now he is pissy at me", people would be saying "tell him where to get off, he is an adult, if he wanted collecting he shouldn't have left it until the last minute".

So mostly YANBU, but for this one thing, YAB a bit U.

Let’s hope he does not treat a future wife in the same way, I’m not holding my breath.

YABVVU for letting him stay at home. He’s an adult and has been for 4 years. Him and his GF need to get out. Your kindness isn’t working, you’ve created a mean and selfish person. Teach him a lesson.

He needs to move out

He’s a spoilt brat who treats you with contempt. Time to stop doing anything for him. Time he started living in the real world and had to pay rent.

I have watched my nieces and nephews become infantilised but the whole rural transport thing. Reliant on Taxi of M&D and taking years to get used to a different dynamic where they lose their expectations of being ferried about, waited on etc.

OP: I would have texted ‘I will be at the station at xx, please pick me up. See you then, thank you’.

And then if he had a genuine reason he couldn’t there would have been time to call a taxi.

Take control of your life, be direct, have your own completely reasonable expectations.

I’m so angry on your behalf reading this. Your son put you in danger. He’s an abusive, lazy, entitled piece of shit. And you are enabling him. Stop doing things for him and tell him unless his attitude improves he needs to move out. If he’s living in your home he needs to show you respect, and pull his weight.

Yes and she obviously did get herself home like a 'grown woman'. But it would have been easier had the grown man sitting there in the house she pays for given her a lift wouldn't it?
What a world you must live in if you think a woman shouldnt ask for an off the cuff favour from her own son, who's doing nothing but 'maybe' sleeping. No wonder some men are the way they are if that's the bar some women set.