That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

Start charging rent £100 a week between them

stop washing ironing cooking etx till he pays his way

some parents offer rent back when they leave as a surprise. I wouldn’t unless he starts treating you with respect

My ds is home from uni for the summer.
He does his own washing, makes his own lunch, unloads the dishwasher, makes dinner for the whole family and cleans his own bathroom.

He is an adult and acts like one.

Why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this in your own home.

You've got to man-up.
I am a loving parent but I would be quite happy to tell my Son to live somewhere else if he treated me in this way.
A relationship is based on mutual respect.

Stop doing everything for him. Charge him rent or at least a contribution towards food.
Make it clear that he treats you with respect or he lives elsewhere.

@coffeecupsandfairylights completely agree.

It is out of absolutely enormous love that I wouldn't want any of my children to turn out as nasty pieces of shit that would allow anyone close to them to walk 30 minutes at night if they could help.

Your husband will have "words" will he?

He should be in his room NOW telling him to get his shit together and get out of his house if he thinks that treating his mother so dreadfully is acceptable.

Your husband should insist he get out of bed this minute as he reads him the riot act and that he apologises for you.

That's what a real MAN would do seeing his wife treated thus.

But your husband is not a decent man, as he allows his wife to be treated appallingly by his scut of a son.

I'm incensed reading this!

Where is your self respect that you both would allow this.

That his girlfriend sees you treated like this and hasn't run for the hills says a lot.

He will marry and when the shine goes off his wife and they have children, he will treat her just like he treats you, and she will run for the hills then, with your grandchildren.

You and your husband will be at the root of this.

Boys can be selfish as can girls, I have both, but whenever I have seen a hint of disrespect.......and I have on occasion, they are brought up so short and sharp.

That he would allow you to walk for 30 minutes at night is one of the most shocking things I have ever heard of, in my near 60 years and rearing 4 children.

I have NEVER heard such a story of such utter disregard for a parent.

OP, don't lie to yourself that this is in any way normal.

It isn't.

You have raised a thoroughly selfish, ugly young man.

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.

Glad you’re home safe. Have to say, it’s disappointing that after 170 posts of support, this is the response, that your DH will have some words.

Nothing will change, will it?

You don't want to make him leave because that give him a reason to be a dick! Too late. He's already a prize dick. He sneers at you and treats you with contempt. He will repeat this behaviour throughout his life unless he gets enough of a shock and that needs to be as soon as possible.

Tell him you've had enough of his behaviour. If he wants to stay tell him he starts pulling his weight and contributing to the house. That includes a financial contribution certainly to the bills and possibly some rent. Tell him he is to do his own domestic tasks. His own washing and ironing, cleaning up after himself and a portion of the household tasks such as emptying bins and mowing the lawn. Tell him he is to treat everyone with decency and respect and that includes you.

If he argues and shows further disrespect tell him that the alternative is that he has four weeks to find a new place and that you won't be his guarantor or fund his deposit and you certainly won't be doing any domestic work for him during that time. Tell him that each act of further disrespect to shortens his notice period. And mean it.

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.

This alone feeds the misogyny in your household. It all makes sense now.

Will your son only take notice if someone with a penis is speaking to him!?

Kick his sorry arse out.
Ungrateful, rude man he is.
Why do you tolerate this behaviour?

He gets away with this because your boundaries allow him too.

This will continue as long as you allow it.

Aside from that, I’m so sorry to hear of this kind of behaviour from your son.

Agree your son should have picked you up from the station. Shows very poor character - not your fault? He does not care what happens to you - whether you have long night walk home - he is either very immature or just plain callous and definitely not what used to be known as a ''gentleman''. Tell him you're also ''tired'' when anything of his needs doing!

If you scurry about cleaning up after everyone and expect your husband to fight your battles because he is the manly man of the house, no wonder your son doesn't respect you. Why are you doing his washing and cleaning? Why is it your husband who will have words with him? Honestly, if i lived with you, I'd be rolling my eyes at you.

Act like an equal adult. Tell your son what a dick he was to you. Stop mollycoddling him. You are raising a useless manchild who thinks women are pathetic and not to be respected with your pathetic behaviour. Show some self respect.

What does that have to do with this thread?

I don't have children but I have an excellent relationship with my mum and a cordial enough one with my dad. I don't dislike him but we just have nothing in common.

That okay with you? 🙄

@wellhelloitsme no - I read the most recent post.

She didn't arrange her lift in advance - she text DS during the evening - so what would she have done if DS wasn't free?

I live rurally - I know public transport and taxis are practically non-existent so I plan my way home well in advance.

I do think her DS's behaviour is appalling but I also think she's focusing on entirely the wrong issue here.

I would sit him down calmly and ask for a chat. Explain all of the things you do and ask if he thinks it’s safe that your walking home. If he kicks off stop doing the jobs and start charging rent!

Have you listened to a single word anyone (everyone) has said?

Stop being a bloody doormat.

OP how about YOU have some words???? Why does your husband need to do it? I know I’m wasting my breath anyway because as a PP said…. You won’t change. You have created this.

He was free. So why the fuck does this matter?

You have been really generous and helpful doing what you do for him. It is so hurtful that he wouldnt do this small favour in return. Its not just the lift he refused to give you but all the disrespect and taking for granted. There are a lot of good ideas here of things you can do. But what you can't do is to let things carry on as they are.

"You have raised a thoroughly selfish, ugly young man."

Have to agree with @billy1966.

@LuckyAmy1986 IMO it's irrelevant that he was free. OP didn't have the decency to ask him in advance, she just assumed that as he was home, he'd come and get her.

If I knew my only alternative was to walk, I'd make sure I had my lift home planned before I went out 🤷🏻‍♀️

His behaviour over the lift was unacceptably rude. If he was so tired he couldn't stay awake that late, he just needed to tell you. If he wasn't actually that exhausted, he should have come to get you, if only because you're his mum. A conversation about expectations is required, followed by actions if he continues to behave like a brat. I'd also be suggesting that his girlfriend will be looking at how he treats his mum and, as a consequence, may not be his girlfriend for long. (It was always my grandmother's suggestion that you should look to how a man treats his mother for an idea of how he'll treat you.)

If I knew my mum (one who is letting him live at home rent free while she runs around after him) was going to have to walk home at 2am and I was at home, with a car. I'd get off my arse and collect her so she was safe.

Because I'm not an entitled little shit.

You say the lift isn't the point but it's an example of him treating her with contempt and not giving a shit about her.

Even if you think she should have organised it sooner, surely you can see how this is an example of that?

Don’t compare yourself to his gf, or if you do at least realise that this will be her future.

How a man treats his dm is a very accurate character gauge.

This is your last opportunity to parent him. He’s 22 and technically an adult, but the brain is still maturing, so there’s still time to leave an impression.

Take a massive step back. You don’t need to talk or have a confrontation. Just stop doing chores for them. If they ask, or object, take a deep breath and very sweetly say that you’ve realised it’s high time you stopped treating them like children.

If it’s affordable, I’d be very tempted to take a week or two away just to get the ball rolling.

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure

There's your problem Op, even if your DH is angry and has words or not is irrelevant. Don't leave it to someone else (even your DH).

YOU need to tell your DS that you are disgusted with his lack of concern for his Mother. You are disgusted that he would leave you hanging on as to whether you were being picked up or not at night. You should say one thing you can absolutely guarantee is that things are changing. If he cant be arsed treating you with kindness that's sad, but fine, but he will 100% treat you with respect.
Tell him that in future he does all his own cooking cleaning and ironing. Whether you start to charge him board is being held off for now, depending on his attitude. Finally remind him any less than 100 respect will not be tolerated.

@coffeecupsandfairylights completely disagree.

Those sharing a home do things for each other.

He is an absolute disgrace to allow his mother walk for 30 minutes whilst in bed.

An absolute disgrace.

Take to him about it, in front of his girlfriend. It might embarrass him into showing you some respect

If they are saving up why do they ear out so often (which I assume grab food out means). I have a son in his 20s. He doesn't live at home but when he did I would never have allowed him to treat me like that. Either kick him out or all sit down and have a serious talk about how things must change. Then give a timescale of when you will kick them out if no improvement