That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

I live by the rule 'only do for your kids the things they can't do themselves'. My 5 year old will pick up and put away his toys and I will hoover and dust his room. I'll cook the meals for my dc, but dd8 is in charge of getting the drinks and cutlery.

Kids will absolutely take advantage if you become their skivvy. It's not our job to attend to their every whim, but to prepare them for adult life. Stop doing everything for your son. Ignore the inevitable wailing and sulking that will follow. He needs a good hard dose of reality or he'll spend the rest of his life looking for partners to replace his mother.

Your son is not a lovely boy, he’s a spoilt brat who you are enabling with the oh I’m being nice so he will be nice and I’m doing everything for him etc etc etc.

You need to have words, not DH. I would have an open and honest conversation. “You’re 22 now. It’s time you started behaving like an adult. If you want to live here, I expect to be treated with respect. No more eye rolling and being shitty. Your behaviour is unacceptable. You hurt me last night when you wouldn’t be pick me up. It was only 10.30, not an unreasonable time and you put me at risk. I’m your mother and would have thought you would care enough about me to want me to get home safely. I’m really disappointed that you thought that was ok.
in addition, you and GF need to act as part of this family and take your part in chores and contributing to fail life. You will also need to start doing your own washing.”

I think next time you catch him in the kitchen or living room tell him honestly how rude and inconsiderate it was, ask him if you think a lift from the station was too much to ask when you do so much for him and gf? You are all adults in the house and he needs to step up for you or he can find a flat to rent.

Does it matter if his behaviour improves?

I’m puzzled that saving for a house involves you doing his housework and care.
Are you planning on moving with him, or will his girlfriend step into the mummy/skivvy role?
He needs to learn the life skills of cleaning, cooking, laundry and money management. And how to treat other humans with respect, including parents.
At the moment, he’s choosing to be an arse, and you are not only letting him, you are actively facilitating it.

My ds is a couple of years younger, but he had a lovely long time gf who stayed with us quite a bit. I remember her saying to him once casually, just so that you know I’m watching how you talk to your mum because you know that might be me one day! Not that he talked to me in a bad way at all, but I did like her thinking. And I remember my son’s wide eyes. 😂

@Okaythanks "......he's a good lad...."

Really ????

Who lets his Mum walk 30 minutes home at 10.30pm from the station because he is too tired to pick her up despite all she does for him.
You've raised a charmer.

If sounds like the more you do for him, the less he respects you. It doesn't sound as though there are many boundaries in this relationship.

If I were you, I'd talk to him and reset the boundaries. Tell him you're unhappy and hurt by the way he talks to you and treats you. And then tell him that yes, he's more than welcome to stay and save up (if that's what you want) but he will need to take responsibility for his own washing and contribute toward the cost of food as well as take on some cleaning/maintenance or whatever is appropriate.

If there's no boundaries, you're setting him up to be a poor partner. When he does move in with his partner, will he expect her to do the same for him? Nip it in the bud, even if he doesn't like it. It's not fair that you are being treated this way in your own home.

Imagine the news story “woman attacked and killed while walking home at 11 pm last night”. No other option as adult son couldn’t be bothered to pick her up.”

Personally I would sit him down, along with his dad and have a conversation about how he is treating you. Your DH needs to be fully on board with this.

When my 8 year old and 11 year old behave in this way, this is what we do with them.

He is treating you like shit and it isn’t ok. The eye rolling, lack of patience, lack of respect, lack of common decency and kindness needs to STOP. He is an adult and cannot treat people in this way - and if he chooses to he needs to understand there will be consequences - if he treats people like this he will lose them. It’s that simple. Friends, girlfriends, family - they won’t put up with this so why should you!!

This thread is like a prequel to all the shit, incompetent husband ones...

He sounds like an absolute arsehole and you’re doing him no favours.

charge rent
stop doing anything for them
tell
them both they are taking the piss
give them a timescale to move out

This thread is like a prequel to all the shit, incompetent husband ones...

Beat me to it. Also, I work with entitled shits like the OP's son - they expect to be treated like kings and for women to do their shit work.

You are not doing the world a favour by spoiling him, OP.

Does the lovely GF know about her brattish boyfriend? It does sound as said as a prequel to the incompetent husband.

Yes to you and your DH sitting down together with an ultimatum.

So you went for a night out with no clear plan of how you’d be getting home? Strange.

Taxi?

As others have said, there is no respect for you here. Also, if they’re eating out so often, they’re not trying that hard to save up!! That annoyed me. You need to be firmer with your requests. I MAY need a lift is different to I NEED a lift.

Speak to your husband and agree some rules like;
a) pay rent. Even if it’s a nominal amount, they need to learn to budget and it’s one of the most important lessons you could give him before buying a house. Outline the bills and divide by number of household and include his gf as she stays most of the week. My brother felt that my parents had all but stolen money from him when he had to pay rent and he was so resentful (and tight) so outlining the real cost of living helps with this.
b) both need to play an active role in the household (cooking, washing etc) You could have a rota or they do their own. Monday night he cooks tea for everyone, Tuesday night gf turn etc. My ex bf parents gave us specific cupboard space for our food which was great.
c) speak and act respectfully.
d) if you are able to / want to you could decide to give the rent back to him as a surprise gift when buying a house?
e) could you loan them some money to help them buy? D-E could be a discussion for further down the line if a-c are improving.

Then sit down with DS and gf to have an adult conversation. Tell him the current situation is not working. Explain why. Give specific examples. Point out what you’ve done for him / them and that he can’t just take and not give back to the family. Outline the plan to them. Tell DS he speaks and treats you like shit which is disrespectful and will not be tolerated. It’s important his gf is there as she has influence over him to help him modify his behaviour and she needs to see that how he treats women / his parents is disrespectful so she is aware of what he is like and how he may treat her. Is he like this with DH or gf parents? Tell them to go away and think it over, that you love them but some changes need to occur. Say you’ll meet again review the arrangements in a months time.

It would be good to hear what you decide and how it works out. Good luck.

IMO yes, it does matter. OP won't get any respect from her son if it's her husband doing all the talking. She needs to stop being a doormat and stand up for herself, not get her DH to do it for her. She's a grown woman!

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.

Are you always so passive that you get your husband to sort out your issues? Are you scared of confronting your son?

There's something really odd in your behaviour. You behave like you are worthless and your son treats you like you are worthless. Stop enabling this and demand some respect!

Stop doing so much for him, let his GF do it, who is going to do it when they get a place of their own.
Is your husband/ partner at home with you, can he not have a word with him on his behalf.
Tough love is needed

this
hollow talk has hit the nail on the head again

I’m dumbfounded that when asked for a 10.30pm lift, a 22 year old son would not make it a priority for his own mum. The fact his only excuse was that he might be asleep is outrageously unbelievable to me.
He treats you with absolute contempt and seeks to punish you. You have chosen not to question it until this late in the game. why on earth didn’t you say …look son, I know you aren’t busy tonight, I am asking you politely to be there to pick me up and your response is rude, disrespectful and totally unacceptable. I expect you to be there, as I have always been for you. Make sure I don’t have to wait !

Reading your OP, I kept thinking you were going to say that he did turn up and was waiting, even though he had chosen not to reassure you that he would be there. That would have been bad enough. I couldn’t believe he didn’t actually turn up.

So how is he this morning?
Does he show signs of being ashamed, deeply troubled by forgetting to wake up and fetch you ? Has he come downstairs and sincerely apologised that he couldn’t do that one little thing to keep his own mum safe. Has he held himself accountable in any way at all ?

And how are you behaving towards him ?
i just can’t imagine the dynamic in the household the next morning after this. It should be the final straw for you. In your place, if you value yourself at all, I would resolve to no longer live as his doormat/victim any longer.
I know you are too scared of the consequences of asking him to leave. So, my inclination at this awful stage would be to go myself, -walk out and leave them all to it until he and his gf (encouraged by his dad) found the right and meaningful words to convince you to please come back because from now on, everything will change going forward and he will make up for his past lack of respect. If he can’t find that sentiment within himself and the words to go with it, then his dad needs to see that he leaves pronto so that you can return to your own home in peace. Make sure your DH knows your boundaries going forward so he can help your son finally get it right.
Your lovely boy needs a massive jolt into the real world before it’s too late.
Not just a few words.

@Takeitonthechin why should the GF do it?

“There will be words”

20 years too late op

I wouldn't treat him like a child. I'd stop making his meals/cleaning his room & doing his washing. He's an adult now, so he needs to buy his own food and take care of himself. I wouldn't ask him for a lift again, just get a taxi next time.