That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

Charge him and his girlfriend rent, stop being his skivvy.

have rules in place for everyone in the house.

you racing around after him serving him hand and foot is clearly make him utterly contemptuous of you.

do you really think with his present attitude and clear dislike of you he’ll bother himself about you once he moves out?

This

I guarantee he will leave home being the selfish twat that he displayed tonight. Disgusted prick to make his mother walk home so late when he easily picks up his gf. I also know your type. You are the ever doting, can't do no wrong mother. And you won't change either.

@coffeecupsandfairylights

she has every right to be annoyed about this. The lazy entitled little shit should have given her a life - end of. There’s no argument otherwise

I wonder how you’d deal with a stranger doing the same thing?

Cook, clean, house for free?

Would you accept it? The fact that he’s your son and you are begging him to be kind is doing him a disservice.

He knows how to treat people. He’s choosing not to.

He will eventually treat his partner with the same level of contempt when she takes over the role of chief doormat.

DH is annoyed, there’ll be words today I’m sure.

Well those words should come out of your mouth first, then your husband's if he wants to too.

You're being so passive in all of this.

You're allowing someone to bully you ("DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular. Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.") in your own home.

And not only that, you're doing so while not charging him rent and "doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it."

And to what end?

All you're doing, and your husband to if he thinks this is acceptable, is reinforcing that he can treat you like shit. That your feelings don't matter. That when he has contempt for you and you visibly look dejected, it doesn't matter.

He's a bully. He's 22 and being babied because you don't want him not to like you.

You and your husband are not setting him up for the real world. And you're both setting him up to expect women to run around after him cleaning and cooking because he's being taught that these are women's jobs. Washing machines and irons aren't vagina controlled.

Time for him to grow up. You're doing him no favours and you're creating one of the next generation of entitled men who see pulling their weight at home as beneath them.

Can you see that?

To be drank OP, he’s a spoiled overly-indulged boy and as a result he has a spoiled, entitled attitude. Why are you doing all his washing and charging no rent? Maybe show a little self respect by stopping the washing, cooking, overnight guest and free bed and board.

You do everything for him and he's rude and dismissive of you.
My husband would hit the roof if our son treated me like that,
He needs to lose the attitude, do his own washing and if he doesn't , be given notice that he has a month or two to find his own place.
Don't be a doormat.

*frank not drank

This ^

Or stop helping him and do charge him some rent. He’s a 22 year old brat. Living rent free is not helping him.

Oh Op I feel so sorry for you. At 22 and living rent free (does he pay anything at all towards bills, food etc?) I'd expect him to be mature and helpful around the house and to help with lifts now and then. It's very telling that he lets his mum walk home alone at night 😞

If there's only the two of you, seperate washing loads will cost more so that makes sense but please stop the ironing. Not many people bother with ironing much nowadays.

I think you should give him a date to leave. One year. A short sharp shock. Be very honest about why he needs to leave. You feel disrespected in your home by an adult. No one should put up with that. If he's rude or starts eye rolling, don't fuel it, don't engage and walk away.

Going forward, don't ask him about his life anymore and be aloof about your own. Treat him like a lodger - clear a shelf on the fridge and a kitchen cupboard and say thats for his food, which he buys himself.

Fill your spare time doing what you love, so you don't have the headspace to think about him anymore.

@LuckySantangelo35 if I was going on a night out and knew I'd need a lift home, I'd arrange it in advance, not dump it on someone at the last minute. That's part of being a grown woman.

I mean, what if he'd been out, or drinking? It's just silly to make plans that rely on someone else without actually telling that person in advance that they'll need to be around to help you.

An argument isn't going to get you anywhere, either from you or your husband. Just calmly explain that he's an adult now, and he needs to start doing his own laundry and cleaning, and become a functional adult household member. Obviously he is also free to find and fund his own place if the new rules don't suit.

Beyond that, then he can either behave like a decent member of a community (household) and expect some give and take on favours, or expect that a lot of his current assistance will stop. Value yourself, and others will value you more!

Awful attitude. I would not kick him out and include him if making a dinner for everyone but i wouldn't be cooking for him all the time, washing his clothes or picking him up anywhere.

Also i would charge him rent. I would save it for him for a deposit if money not needed but i wouldn't allow him to get used to having so much disposable income.

I wouldnt mention lifts for girlfriend but explain you would have collected him. It wasn't late and he knows the taxi situation and dh out.

Yes because his mother raised him like this as clearly evident from the ops posts.

Think you missed a more recent post from OP:

I’d text DS earlier to see if he was coming home this evening and was met with a ‘yeah’, I explained I may need a lift - no reply. But at least I knew he was home. At 9.30 I text to say would 10.30 be ok, he was fully awake then but I was told ‘it’s not ideal as I’m tired, if I’m awake I will but can’t guarantee it’. Which left me not knowing. 10.00 I text to say I’m on the train and got no answer there on in. So I walked.

Good god, woman, grow a spine!

Oh and OP, people who bully you / belittle you / have disdain for you / make you feel shit and small etc do not stop doing those things if you're "nice" to them. Quite the opposite.

They lose all respect they have left for you and treat you either the same or worse.

Would you have told him at school if he was being bullied to keep being nice to his bully? And if he carried on bullying him, to be nicer? Would you think that would solve the issue? Of course not.

Apply that at home. He's a man now, he's had an easy ride and he's taken it for granted. You're doing him no favours by rewarding him for being entitled and frankly cruel to you.

@coffeecupsandfairylights

you don’t have children?
and not a positive relationship with your own parents?

You should explain to him that living rent free involves a bit of give and take, right now it is you who is doing all the giving, OP.
In your shoes? i would tell him that the free board, lodging and services are suspended and he is to pay rent.

I think a few home truths are needed here. Charge rent, stop doing chores, stop cooking/ cleaning etc. It’s your home.

He will pay rent.
He will buy his own food.
He will not disturb other members of the family going in or out at night.

Either in your house or in his own, but he needs to work for it.
The cheek! He has it all and still has no any gratitude in him. No way!
OP, unfortunately, you are not done educating this one yet!
You have to tell him, your husband has to tell him. Once. If he keeps up with it, then he loses the great life!

But do not ask him much about his life. Asking for a ride home. Help cleaning, cooking and so on, fine. How his life is going, what is he up to? Stop being interested. Let's see how he feels about it.

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